Chapter 31

Ollie

I sat at my desk, staring at the screensaver flashing across the computer. It was now Thursday, four days after everything went down with Elana, and all I could do was sit there and watch the animated fish swim across my computer screen. My mind was somewhere else, and I was pretty sure I hadn’t checked my phone so many times in my entire life. Still, Elana had said nothing, and even when I lost my control and drove to her house, she wasn’t there. Was she hiding from me? How could I have done something that bad that she had felt the need to completely remove me from her life? I thought about going back to the library, but I didn’t want to affect her job, if she was even there. Instead, I embraced the loneliness, realizing that the last few days had been the most painful ones I had experienced in a very long time.

Everything that happened hit me with no warning. I woke up thinking I was in the best relationship of my life and ended the day wondering if I would ever see Elana again. The emotions that followed were a surprise, too, and I hadn’t been ready for the crushing numbness. For the first time in my life, when I looked into Elana’s eyes, I actually felt like I was home. I was more than excited to start this journey with her, ecstatic about the possibilities that our future could bring. I had sat and dreamed about traveling the world with Elana, or just staying right here in Madison, raising a family one day. Sure, it was early on to have those thoughts, but I couldn’t help it. Everything had turned out like I wanted for so many years. I just didn’t realize it would be with Elana until recently. Once I knew, though, I knew, and I decided to take a deep breath and go with it. Now, I was left in ruins again, a familiar feeling of loss starting to creep its way into my chest.

I thought that it would be decades before I was ready to ever let anyone back into my life, and that was a generous estimate. When I got back to Madison, I was hellbent on exorcising Lillie’s ghost, but when Elana stepped in, I realized that I was the one that created that ghost in the first place. After I realized that, it was just a matter of controlling my mind to realize what was real and what I had created in order to continue to hold myself back because fear had completely taken me over. I didn’t know if I would ever let Elana in, but I was dead wrong. It hadn’t even taken that long, but as soon as Elana had worked her way under my skin, I knew that I couldn’t go without her. The last few days were killing me, and I couldn’t even begin to comprehend what it would be like to never have her in my arms again.

I had replayed that night over and over again in my mind. I was desperately trying to get Elana back, but I didn’t even understand what had happened. There was no possible way I could have hurt her in the middle of the night while I was dead asleep. I was so exhausted from the day, I had fallen asleep quickly and was out like a light, even before she had fallen asleep. Sometime between then and when she woke up, either I had done something or her mind had twisted her up so badly that she couldn’t handle it anymore. I knew that she was worried about having me spend the night again because I had said that I wanted to take things slowly. But that was my wants, not necessarily hers. She had shown more than once that she was perfectly happy going with the flow and allowing things to progress at whatever rate that naturally occurred. I stayed because I wanted to, not because I felt obligated to. I knew that slow and nonexistent were two different things, and I had held myself back from life for so long that I didn’t want to miss out on anything else, especially not with Elana.

I groaned and pulled my hands over my head, stretching as the time just continued to tick on by. It was more time that I wasn’t spending with Elana. It was more time that I was left to feel helpless and alone. It was more time for me to continue to slum around, not caring about anything in life other than just getting through the day so I could go home and feel sorry for myself some more. Hell, at least I was honest with myself. I was completely in self-hate mode, not understanding anything that was going on. What did I do? That was the question that kept running through my mind over and over again. What had I done that was so bad that Elana had broken things off with me? And without even so much as a conversation about it.

It was no secret to anyone around me; something was definitely going on. From the way that I was acting, even down to my quality of work, it was blatantly obvious that there were things in my life not going the way that I had planned. I looked down at the file on my desk that was supposed to be taken care of two days before. I just couldn’t seem to keep my mind on work, and when I did find those rare moments, I was only half into it, making mistakes that had to be fixed by other people. Even when I had left and was grieving Lillie, I found solace in the fact that I was a monster in my company. Not now.

“Mr. Anderson,” my secretary said over the speaker.

“Yes, Alisha,” I replied.

“Mr. Banks would like to see you,” she said.

“All right, I’ll be right there,” I replied, standing up and looking at myself in the mirror.

I straightened my tie and ran my fingers through my hair, realizing that I hadn’t shaved all week. My work was suffering, and I knew Mike was calling me into his office to talk about it. I took a deep breath and buttoned my jacket, heading out of my office and across the hall to Mike’s. I knocked on the door, and he called me in.

“Ollie,” he said happily, as he shook my hand. “Please, please, have a seat.”

“Thank you, sir,” I said, sitting down and crossing my leg.

“Ollie, you have done an absolutely astounding job since you walked through the door,” he said. “But, it’s no secret that this week has been a little rough as far as work is concerned. There have been things turned in half done, huge mistakes on other client accounts, and files that haven’t been fully completed yet but are way past deadline. Luckily, with you taking the brunt of the load lately, I had enough hands to double check your work, but I figured since your reputation precedes you, that this is not the normal way for you. I guess what I am asking is, are you okay? Are you settling in okay?”

I sat there rubbing my face, realizing how badly I had been screwing up. Until then, I had let the words of others go in one ear and out the other. I didn’t want to think that I was failing in my personal life and my work life, so I just ignored it. I knew, though. I knew that I was fucking things up, and part of me was starting to think that I was doing it on purpose. If I got fired, I was free to leave Madison, to go back out on my own without anyone asking me if I was okay. But in reality, that was not what I wanted at all. I needed to give Mike some idea of the truth at least. I owed him that much for being such a standup guy when I took the offer and came to his office. I let him down. I knew that, and it wasn’t okay.

“Mr. Banks,” I said, shaking my head.

“Please, call me Mike,” he replied, listening intently.

“Mike, you’re right. There is something going on.” I sighed. “I met a girl, well, re-met a girl, and we started dating, but things have gotten really messed up, and they aren’t working out. I know that my work this week has been more than lackluster, and I greatly appreciate you having people fix my mistakes. I really do. I’m sorry that you had to even bring me in this office to talk about it with me. Honestly, something like this has never happened in a way that it has affected my job. I have always thought of my career as my refuge, a place I could put all my personal issues to the side and just blast things out. Honestly, that is how I became as good at my job as I did. I was constantly thirsting for more and more when I was in Phoenix. I never meant for anything to affect you, though. I know what you did to get me here.”

“Ollie, I know I’m just your boss,” he said, getting up and shutting the door before coming over and sitting in the chair next to me. “But I want you to understand that you can tell me whatever you need to. If it helps you move forward professionally and personally, I’m a good listener. Was this girl someone really special to you?”

“Yeah,” I sighed, feeling everything bubbling up uncontrollably. “The truth is, sir, five years ago, I was engaged to a beautiful woman named Lillie, but she died in a tragic car accident.”

“Lillie, yes, Lillie Mathews,” he said, shaking his head. “She went to school with my daughter.”

“Yes, sir, and that’s why I left Madison,” I explained. “I couldn’t handle it. When I got back, I touched base with Lillie and I’s best friend, Elana, and it was like I was seeing her for the first time. It blossomed into a beautiful thing, but then, suddenly, just a few days ago, she told me she needed space. It was completely out of the blue, and I have no idea what I did. I’ll be honest; a girl has never affected me like this before.”

“Well, that is tough, Ollie,” he said, breathing deeply. “You’ve been through more than you deserved to go through. But from what I’ve heard about you and what you have shown me since you’ve been here, I know that you’re a good man, and that you’re going to land on your feet. You always seem to do so.”

“Right,” I scoffed, tired of the, “you’ll be fine,” speeches everyone wanted to give me.

I think he could tell I wasn’t happy with that answer at all. He got up and walked over to his desk, rubbing his chin. I sat up straight and cleared my throat, realizing how close I had come to getting emotional.

“Maybe you can get creative,” he said. “Don’t give up, Ollie. Women can be difficult creatures. Just because she doesn’t want to see you doesn’t mean exactly that. Do some detective work on your own and really try to find out what is going on.”

“That’s a good idea,” I said, feeling a bit more positive.

“Just remember,” he said. “You may not feel this way now, having been through such a terrible event with young Lillie, but time really does heal all wounds. Why don’t you take the rest of the week off to get in the right headspace? Then you can come back next week, fresh, new and ready to get back on track.”

“You know what, sir,” I said, standing up. “That is some really good advice. I’m going to do some research and try to fix this. Thank you for everything.”

Now, I had to become a super sleuth.