Chapter 28

Elana

I got up early and made the promised apple pancakes in the morning with a special side of ham that I knew he loved. Ollie was in heaven, and he couldn’t stop talking about the pancakes, even after the seventh one. I just sat back and laughed, feeling more than proud that I had created something that he loved that much. One thing about knowing Ollie for as long as I had, I knew when he was lying, and he definitely wasn’t lying about the pancakes. The smell of the apples and the breakfast in front of me, coupled with sitting closely to Ollie made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a really long time. I finally felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. It was the strangest feeling, especially since it had been gone for years. It felt perfectly natural to have Ollie at my breakfast table with me.

The last few days had been absolutely amazing. We had done so many things that I never thought I would actually get the chance to do with someone. It was this huge moment in my life, something I just couldn’t stop beaming about, and the best thing was, I was pretty sure Ollie was feeling it, too. I’d had a crush on Ollie since I was in college, never saying anything to anyone because he was with Lillie. But now that things were different and we had given ourselves permission to be together, I could feel my crush expanding into full-blown love. When I looked at Ollie, I didn’t just see this beautiful man. I saw a friend, a confidant, a lover. I saw the future when I looked at him, one filled with all the things I had wanted my whole life from a partner. “Partner” was the operative word there. I felt like Ollie was truly a partner to me, someone that stood beside me, not in front of me or behind me, but side by side, tackling the world and all its fucked-up mess together. It sure made me feel a lot braver knowing he was by my side.

Later that day, we took showers and got dressed, heading over to my mom’s like I always did to watch this week’s game and enjoy dinner with her. Of course, that wasn’t all that it was going to be, but that was the best part about it. After slaving away helping her around the house with whatever it was that she wanted done, we would get to drink some beers and relax, laughing and talking in front of the football game. Ollie was really excited, and it made me laugh how gung-ho he was to see my mother.

Just as I had predicted, my mother instantly put us to work, asking Ollie to take care of the things that she “couldn’t reach.” He was all about it, so out he went to clean the gutters and fix the leaning cabinet in the kitchen, smiling the entire time. I seriously couldn’t have asked for a better man to bring to my mother’s house. He loved being there, and he couldn’t wait to find out what she was cooking for dinner. It was just like him to be in it for the food. I shook my head and laughed as he winked at me before heading outside, decked out in pink gardening gloves and my mother’s floppy sun hat.

While he was outside, my mom put me to work pulling down all the cookbooks she would need for Thanksgiving. It was over a month away still, but this woman was like the queen of Thanksgiving dinners, even when it was just the two of us. I could see her staring at me from the corner of my eye, and I knew she had some kind of question to ask.

“What is it, Mom?”

“Oh, nothing,” she said, taking the stack of books from me. “I was just curious about what was going on between you and Ollie, that’s all.”

“Well, I guess I can tell you now,” I said, taking a deep breath. “We’re dating.”

She squealed excitedly, putting down the books and pulling me into a bear hug. “That is the best news I’ve gotten in, like, ten years. I’m so excited about this. I knew there was something between the two of you. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. He’s so wonderful, Elana.”

“Mom,” I said, laughing. “Calm down, please. I don’t want you to jinx it.”

“Okay, okay,” she said, squealing again. “I’m going to go put these books in the dining room.”

I shook my head, watching my mom walk into the other room. I looked up as Ollie came back into the house and headed down the hallway to check on the drip in the bathroom sink. I trailed quickly behind him, not wanting my mom to notice that I’d disappeared. I just wanted a minute alone with him before we were bombarded by my love-crazy mother again. Ollie pulled out a tool of some sort and started to tighten a pipe under the sink. I looked down at him, and he pulled his head out.

“What’s up?”

“I just wanted to say I was sorry,” I replied. “I mean, you come over here to relax on a Sunday, and my mother puts you to work like you’re her private handyman.”

“Hey,” he said, standing up and putting his arms around me. “I don’t mind this at all. In fact, when I get to do stuff like this, it makes me feel good. It makes me feel handy.”

“Oh yeah?” I looked him in the eye and bit my lip. “I think that you’re very handy.”

“Is that right?”

“Yep,” I replied, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I actually enjoy feeling that handiness all over me on a regular basis.”

“Well, I’ll have to make sure I do that more often.” He chuckled.

We pressed our lips together, kissing deeply as I pulled him backward into the hall. I looked up and down, making sure my mother wasn’t around and pulled him by the shirt collar into the room across from us, my old bedroom. We made out in there for about twenty minutes before deciding it was probably time to get back to my mother before she became suspicious, if she wasn’t already. The night went off great, dinner being awesome as always, and Ollie and my mother ranting and raving over the football game.

When it was time to go, we hugged my mother goodbye and jumped into the car. Ollie talked the entire way home about my mother’s ravioli, and I laughed, wondering how someone could love food as much as he did and still be in amazing shape. We pulled up in front of my house, and I took in a deep breath, not wanting the weekend to be over. He got out of the car and came around to my door, reaching his hand down and helping me out. I tripped over the curb, and he caught me in his arms, holding me tightly for a moment before letting go and taking my hand. We walked slowly up to the top of the stairs, and I waited for him to kiss my forehead and leave. This time, though, he went straight for my lips, pleasantly surprising me.

We had kissed a lot that weekend, but this one was emotional and passionate, like there were words being said without speaking. I closed my eyes and leaned into him, feeling every bit of his emotional connection and giving it back to him tenfold. All I could think was how much I didn’t want to be without him. How my home had really felt like a home with him in it, and how falling asleep without his arms around me sounded pretty much impossible. I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted him to stay right there with me all night.

At the same time, though, I had to remind myself that we were trying to take it slow. He had been very adamant about making sure that we took our time, not rushing into anything so that we were able to handle any speed bump that came our way. The thing was, I couldn’t imagine anything at that point that could throw me off his course. Maybe it was the fact that I had gone several days without feeling the depression and guilt that I had lived with for so many years, but at that moment, I didn’t give a shit about going slow. To hell with it.

I pulled away, kissing him on the nose and then leaning forward, pursing my lips by his ear. I breathed in the smell of his cologne, feeling that familiar feeling in my chest. There was no way I could do without this man when I went to bed.

“Stay with me tonight,” I whispered. “Just stay and sleep next to me. I know we’re taking things slowly, but I’m not ready to give up on this weekend. I don’t want to go to bed without you next to me, your arms wrapped tightly around me. What do you say?”

He pulled back and smiled, looking at me with his kind eyes. He leaned back, brushing the hair from my face. I waited patiently, trying not to show the desperation on my face. I didn’t need sex; I just didn’t want to end the bond that we had developed over the last few days. He leaned in and kissed me softly, grabbing my hand and shaking his head.

“Of course, I will stay with you,” he whispered.

I smiled and turned to the door, unlocking it and leading him inside. We kissed a few times, but as I had promised, I just wanted to feel his arms around me. We fell asleep not long after laying down, intertwined with each other. That night, while we were asleep, I was woken at the sound of Ollie’s voice. I sat up slightly and looked over at him, realizing very quickly that he was still asleep. He was saying something that woke me up, but it was muffled and mumbled. I sat there for several moments trying to make out what he was saying. Whatever it was that he was dreaming about had him upset, and it hurt me to see him that way.

I got up from the bed and walked into the bathroom, grabbing a glass of water for him. As I walked back out to the room, ready to wake him from his dreams, I stopped, holding the glass firmly in my hand. In his sleep, during his mumbles, he called out her name. Lillie.

“Lillie,” he whispered in a calm tone.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and ran my hand over his head, watching him smile and mumble something incoherent. He continued to call her name, several times, but the rest of what he was saying was mostly mumbles. I turned and sat the glass on the side table, deciding that it was probably best that I just let him dream. I would talk to him about it in the morning. Before I could climb into bed, though, he spoke again, this time a lot clearer.

“I love you. I always will.”

I froze, my heart beating wildly in my chest. It felt like I had been punched in the gut, and instantly, I wanted to cry. He had been dreaming about Lillie, and those weren’t the words I was hoping to hear.