RICK HADN’T BEEN kidding. The bar was packed. I hadn’t said two words all night after I’d deposited my bag next to Angie’s and then slipped between her and Rick. Drink after drink, I had filled the orders being yelled at me, my body moving around based on memory, unaided by my brain.
Fill glass with ice.
Pour liquid into cup.
Slide across bar.
Exchange money.
Repeat.
Everything feels worthless.
Physically, I could do the tasks at hand, but for what purpose? When nothing in life seemed to matter anymore?
You’ve got to snap out of this.
It seemed every time I was falling to a low point, my subconscious would come back around. Logically, I knew she was right, but convincing your heart to beat without life behind it seemed so pointless. The decision was made. I would move on and live the path of my altered destiny, but that didn’t mean I liked it.
Push lime onto glass.
My favorite cover band was here tonight, the one that always made it a point to play my favorites, but even those weren’t doing their job in pepping me up.
Rick brushed past me, leaning in push-up style to take an order from a blonde who seemed to be losing her patience. I had noticed her standing there a while, but I didn’t have it in me to move any faster. She blushed and tucked a hair behind her ear with a soft smile as she recited her order.
“You got it.” He winked, pushing off the bar, and I had to all-but reach into my eyes to stop them from rolling as she licked her lips and watched him longingly as he moved away to fill her drink.
Rick flanked my left shoulder. “You good, darlin’? You seem a bit off.”
Scoop ice into glass. “Yeah, yeah, fine. Sorry, I’ll step it up.”
“No worries. I always love having you here, but if you’re not okay . . .”
A tap knocked off the mic before a quiet organ began. I didn’t look up, but I recognized the song as Fix You by Cold Play.
“I’m okay. I’m just try—” I squinted, wincing through rays of light that began poking at me. My face, my hands, the bar surrounding me. My eyes jutted to my fingers, then bounced between the flickers spiraling to the melody just as a familiar, horribly beautiful voice cracked out the beginning lyrics.
My head snapped up. Twinkles danced amongst the rays shooting at me from each band member, making it hard to focus, but I honed in, searching, seeking.
Blake.
Hands wrapped around the mic, his eyes reached out to me, delivering his message. Telling me of his—of our—struggles, massacring the tune. And . . . it never sounded better.
The sight of him buckled my senses, paralyzing me. After not knowing if I’d broken our relationship beyond repair, then accepting that he wasn’t coming back to me and resolving to move on, I didn’t know what to think. Scared he would evaporate, my focus never left him as my fingers tightened around the bottle that I’d been about to pour.
“Rick—”
“Go. I got this.”
Rick took the liquor from my shaky hand, and I moved as swiftly as my near-numb legs would allow, mindlessly nudging people aside as I made my way toward Blake. As I approached, all lines of worry on his gorgeous face became clearer. I knew I was the cause of most of them. I hated myself for it, but I vowed, if given the chance, that I’d spend the rest of my days trying to smooth them away.
His eyes followed me through the crowd until I stood before him. My breathing was labored, quieted by the heaviness of his words telling me his light would guide me home. Always the light in my darkness, he shined brighter than anything I’d ever seen, even at his dullest.
Wounded, his posture wasn’t as erect or confident as I had remembered, but there was an unmistakable sparkle in his eyes that was unique to him. I hadn’t seen it in a while, but it was there, flickering amidst the lyrics. He seemed to be trying to imbed his words, pouring out his heart in promise to allow me back home—to take my hand and show me the way.
As I watched his mouth intently, I noticed he’d shaven at some point. It brought a small smile to my lips, thinking that was step one in the return of him.
And I will try to fix you . . .
I’d done as much of the fixing of myself as I could on my own. I needed him for the rest, or I would never be whole again. His cracking voice continued, bleeding out words that cut so deeply, to the root of us. Him telling me he couldn’t let our love go—what I’m worth. That was possibly the hardest struggle of all for us.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of him as he went into the next chorus, his hands sliding up the mic stand, his gaze drilling into me, seeming to gauge my reaction to what he was saying.
Although his message was clear, I was nervous to find out if what he seemed to be saying was real. I couldn’t take another letdown.
I’d drifted even closer, the sliver of metal holding the microphone the only barrier between us. As the song took off in a guitar riff, no words were sung or spoken. None were necessary. None were sufficient to match the pounding in my heart, rapid with hope, the whispering of faith that we were going to be okay. A mirrored image of the same emotions lay deep in his icy-blue eyes. It was both frightening and exhilarating. But before I let myself go free-falling to the other side of hopefulness, I needed to be certain that this was for real.
Blake reached out and brushed his thumb along my cheek, wiping away a tear I hadn’t felt. His timid, yet solid palm lingered on my jaw, and I savored his touch, living in the warmth of his skin for a moment. When his heat withdrew, I opened my eyes to witness him kiss the moisture from his thumb. And I knew—he had meant it.
I vowed to do my best to never shed another tear born from heartache as he went into the next verse, reminding me of tears we had both shed from losing an irreplaceable love like we had. The world opened up then, and I almost wasn’t strong enough to remain upright as the boulder of burden rolled off my shoulders, freeing me.
A nudge to my back lurched me forward, obliterating the slice of space remaining between us, bringing each of our chests flush against the mic stand. Knowing my heart’s pair was beating on the other side of the cool metal sped mine into overdrive as Blake’s solemn baritone quaked through the last chorus about his light guiding me back home. The feel of him against me set my soul on fire, lighting a spark that could no longer be contained.
Without another thought, I shoved the stand aside and grabbed onto Blake’s shoulders for leverage. I clambered up his torso, wrapped my legs around his hips the way I knew he loved, and swallowed the words ‘fix you’ as they left his mouth. He stumbled back, fastening one arm around my waist, while his other hand cupped the back of my head.
Blake.
I was home.
A sob choked my throat, but I couldn’t take my lips off his. Not even when the taste of my tears saturated the seam. Scared of losing him again, I draped my forearms along the back of his head and held onto his hair, trapping him to me. His arms constricted around my waist as his heart pounded its beats into mine, giving me back some of the ones he’d stolen. Energy buzzed through my veins, a thrum pulsating along each nerve. I couldn’t shake the nervous butterflies that this might not be permanent, but right now I just needed to drink him in. I slid my tongue along his and relished the growl it elicited, rumbling into my mouth.
Blake lowered me to the floor. Hesitant to lose the feeling of him, I kept my fingers imbedded in his hair until he stood, forcing my hands to fall to my sides as we stared at each other.
Rick was at our side with a gleaming smile, placing a hand on either of us. “Go in the back, guys. I’m good for a bit.”
I only looked away from Blake long enough to thank Rick with my eyes, my words trapped somewhere in my dry throat. He responded with a wink before I headed off to the back room—anxious, hopeful.
Scared shitless.
With the flick of the light, I stepped aside, allowing Blake to enter before I followed. The click of the door was all I heard over my shallow breathing. I stood in front of him, not allowing myself to fully believe what I was reading into his words, afraid to death that he was about to say his final goodbye rather than his forever hello.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to come back to you. I was just so scared,” he admitted, still not moving toward me.
A tear rolled from its saturated duct, and my lips parted to allow me to breathe better. Please let this be happening.
Blake dipped his chin and viewed me with compassionate, worried eyes. “I’ve been trying to figure out how to fix myself, but then I realized the only way to fix me is to fix you—to fix us.” Blake snagged my pinky finger with his pointer and lightly swung it like a kid would do. “I’ll fix you if you’ll fix me.” The small divot beside his pucker, the sparkle in his hesitant, yet playful eyes, warmed my core.
Faith rose in my chest, even though I was trying to tamp it down. “Is this real?” My voice splintered, unable to withstand the pressure from the burn in my throat.
“As real as a heart attack.” Blake smirked at the use of the first song I’d ever sung to him before solemnness washed over his features. “I can’t live without you, Angel.” He paused, lost somewhere in his thoughts. “Trust me I tried, but I’m like a walking fucking corpse. I’d rather die loving you for even one more day than walk around in this purgatory. You’re my life. My living. If we’re together, we can fix all that’s broken. I know we can.”
He stepped forward, a small glimmer of hopefulness sparking in his apprehensive eyes. “Hold me. Here.” He rested his palm over my heart, and its beats fluttered beneath it in rapid thumps, aching, longing to be near him once again. To be whole again. He had asked me to give that part of myself to him once before. I had failed him then, but I would never let him down again.
“I never let go of you. I’ve held you there all along. Even when it stung.” My voice lowered to a whisper. “It’s what kept my pieces together.” Another tear dripped from the corner of my eye, the salt invading my mouth. I was sick of its taste, sick of crying all the time. Of hurting, constantly fucking aching.
We stood a foot apart, connected only by the spot where his hand sat on my chest. The heaviness it created there was a reminder of the weight he held in my heart. The fragments of it so broken, I thought it unfixable.
An uncertainty still lay in Blake’s eyes. “You destroyed me, Angel. I have pieces now, too.” He looked away with a swallow. His shoulders losing their gumption.
My legs nearly gave way from the new crack that sent down my heart, but I needed my strength. We weren’t surviving separately, and I couldn’t deny either of us this anymore. I covered his hand with my own, needing to wipe away any remaining reservation. “Then fit yours into mine.”
His eyes snapped up to meet my gaze, a new hope swirling in the water that glistened there. I could see the merry-go-round spinning inside his head, the constant loop I’d kept him on taking him on a wild journey. It made my heart skip a beat, and his fingers twitched above it as he collected that one, too.
I exhaled, feeling the weight I’d been carrying all this time begin to flake from my being and sprinkle to the floor like tiny broken pebbles, solidifying my confidence. “It’s time to stop running. I just want to stop running.” Without breaking eye contact, I stepped out of my shoes, and Blake’s hand finally left my chest as he looked down to see them laying at his feet in a silent promise. A promise to be still. To be there. Forever. “Be still with me?”
Blake’s jaw hardened around its clench, his eyes raw and begging for honesty. “Angel, if you have any doubt, you need to put those back on and walk away from me right now. I won’t survive another one of these.” His eyebrows were drawn so tightly together, I hated the doubt I saw there. Doubt in me. Doubt in us. Our love was supposed to be so solid, and I’d reduced it to pieces. All kinds of pieces of broken. But I didn’t want to be broken anymore.
“I’m done running, Blake.” I bore my gaze into his so there’d be no misinterpretation, then I gave Blake the words he’d given me so many times. “Be with me.”
His breathing stilled in his chest and his eyes went wide. He took one step closer. “Say it again.”
A brighter light emerged in his eyes, hope peeking its head through his darkness. I took a tiny step forward as well. “Be with me.”
He matched one more tiny step. “This is your last chance to back out of this. If you really mean it, say it one more time.” He cocked a brow, a tinge of playfulness returning to his gorgeous features. “So you don’t forget.”
His study tactic.
Anticipation wound around us in a tight binding, my heart thrumming in more of a flutter than beats, stealing all of my air with it in swirls and spirals. My final step brought us chest-to-chest, obliterating any space that remained, the contact forcing my eyelids to drift closed for the faintest of moments while I regulated myself. Blake’s chest swelled against mine as he took in a large breath, and the feeling of him pressed against me—of him coming home, took over my body in a tidal wave. My eyes reopened with a reinforced determination, needing him to know how solid we’d be once we were put back together.
“Be. With. M—”
The final word barely made it out of my mouth as his body gave way, the tension it had been harboring seeming to be set loose on a wave. His hands were on me, tangling in my hair as his lips crashed into mine. He attacked my mouth, lifting me from the floor and slamming my back against the wall. I wrapped one leg around his waist, leaving the other dangling down the front of him.
Breaking from my lips, Blake rained kisses to my jaw, my neck, nibbling along my collarbone and trying to talk at the same time. “Your words, your pictures, I could never deny you.” He returned his attention to my mouth as he sucked my lower lip between his, running his tongue along it and moaning, his hand roamed to my ass as he palmed it, then dragged it outward to grab hold of my thigh and wrap that leg around him as well.
“You didn’t come,” I panted into his mouth. My eyes closed in a euphoric bliss as he sucked at my neck once more. “I waited all day, and you never came. I thought we were done.”
I dropped my forehead to the top of his head as his hand covered my breast, kneading greedily at their swollen fullness. With his teeth partially bared, he stared at my chest as he spoke. “I needed time to process. I’m always telling you to slow down, woman.”
“Mmmmm,” I moaned, fisting his hair as he pulled my shirt and bra down in one motion and drew my pebbled nipple into his mouth. “Blake—”
“I need you.” Blake’s voice cracked with desperation. “I need inside of you, and I won’t do it like this. I need to take my time with you. Make you mine again.” His eyes were desperate as his erection made itself known between my legs.
“We still have the room . . .” Crap. I deflated. “I left the key card on the roof. I was so upset, I didn’t think you were coming—”
“This key card?” Blake held the piece of plastic between his fingers, a gorgeously devilish smirk upon his full lips.
I stared at it in disbelief. “You went there?”
“I went there.” He smiled and returned the card to his back pocket.
“I could kiss you!” I threw my arms around his neck and squeezed.
“Oh, Angel. You’re gonna do a lot more than kiss me.” Blake licked a line up the side of my neck, causing a stream of bumps to prickle there. “Come on.” He pulled us away from the wall and made his way to the door with me still wrapped around him.
“You’re not going to let me down?”
Blake stopped with his hand on the doorknob and swallowed visibly while finding my eyes. “I’ll never let you down again.”