MY FIRST DOCTOR’S appointment was supposed to be this afternoon.
I didn’t go.
I wasn’t ready to air my shit, and certainly not to a stranger. The encounter with Blake had left me shaken and confused. Even though I knew he’d be in class and I’d have to face him eventually, I wasn’t prepared for the turmoil it would wreak within me.
The pity I’d heard in his voice hurt worst of all. It was a new sound. He’d never had that before. I don’t think he’d ever really grasped the extent of my fucked-up-ness. Well, he had a front row seat this time, and there was no coming back from any of this.
I couldn’t handle being around him. I didn’t know what to do about that. I’d worked too hard to get into this school and establish my grades. I couldn’t withdraw. I needed to find a way to co-exist, but . . . how? How?
I expelled a heavy breath, pulling open the door to The Backdoor. I hadn’t seen Rick since the incident, and it was time to face the next set of my fuck-ups. Tears welled in my eyes at the sight of his back as he counted the money in the register. Much like the first time I’d walked into this place, his head bobbed to a beat, this time from the eighties, and seeing him rock out built warmth in my heart. But I would need more than music to help the jittering knock in my chest right now. Seeing him so carefree, enjoying the music he loved so much made me realize the extent of how much I cared for him. How much I appreciated the way he’d welcomed me into his home and made me feel like family. My conscience sunk with revulsion, looking down at me for my poor judgements and what I had done to this man and his place of business. I valued his opinion of me, and I hoped I hadn’t shot it to shit.
“Hey.” I glanced at him from the corner of my eye, removing my coat with a prayer he would forgive me.
His fingers stopped moving, and he tensed at my voice, sending a cringe over my skin. “Hi.” He didn’t look at me and my hopes sunk further. But I was prepared to grovel, to show him how sorry I truly was.
“I’m, um, sorry I haven’t called.” I’d been a coward and texted him the other day, asking if I could be put back on the schedule. I nearly chewed my fingers off waiting for his reply, praying that I would get one. When he had responded to come in today, I wasn’t sure if I felt relief or dread, knowing I would have to face the music for what I had done.
“You left this place in quite a state, Eva.”
The sharpness of his tone stabbed me in the heart. Rick was such a happy guy most of the time that I’d forgotten he even had a bone in his body capable of anger. The fact that it was being directed at me crept some extra pain into my heart.
“You’re lucky you’re back at all. I warned you about that when we first met.”
“I know.” Shit. I gulped, hating myself for trampling all over his kindness. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. I didn’t mean to disrespect you, Rick. You know how much I love this place. And you.” I placed my hand on his forearm, wishing he would forgive me. The warmth of his skin did nothing to thaw the chill I felt at his cold shoulder.
The force of him slamming the drawer shut ricocheted through me. He turned to face me, crossing his arms over his broad chest. “Do you? Because I don’t make a habit of giving people a key to my home.” He narrowed his eyes at me, distrust and anger laced through their narrowing glare.
I hated seeing the easy-going Rick this way. He was always so warm and inviting. I wanted to grab my things and run out of here, but I owed him an explanation. He had trusted me, given me a chance, and I’d let him down.
“Rick, you’ll never know how sorry I am. I’m sure you can tell I have some . . . issues.” I downplayed a little, not ready to fully lay all of my cards on the table. “But I never want that to be your problem. I should’ve thought better—not come here, but I didn’t know where else to go. I just wasn’t thinking, I—” My voice wept, a sting slicing through the pull of my eyebrows. “It’ll never happen again. I swear it.” I palmed my heart. “But if you want me to leave—” My shoulders sagged as I began to turn.
His stance softened, and he dropped a hand on my shoulder, stopping me. When our eyes met again, the anger was gone from his. In its place rested something bordering defeat. Like he was trying so hard to be strong; to show how upset he was, but his love for me outgrew all of those negative emotions.
“Of course I don’t want you to leave, Eva. I care about you, more than these four walls. It hurt me to think you thought as little of me that you would wreck my place and take off—bottles and puke everywhere, money thrown all over the place. I felt disrespected. Dirty even.” His eyes drifted from mine as his shoulders sagged forward.
I knew the feeling of having your space invaded, and it made me sick to know I’d caused someone I cared about to feel that way. I was such a piece of shit. “I get it. I can’t take it back. I wish I could, but I can’t. I can only make it better. You’ve become like family to me. Please don’t think I don’t care about your feelings. About this place. I’ll make it better, I promise I’ll earn back your trust. I’ll—”
“C’mere.” Any remaining tension he held floated off him as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest to kiss the top of my head. His breath puffed into my hair on his exhale, his relief evident. “I’m just glad you’re okay.” His voice shook slightly around his lips in my hair. He paused before stepping to my side and securing his arm around my shoulder. “I asked Jessie about you, but she seemed as clueless as the rest of us. All she knew was that you and Blake had broken up.” He shook his head. “You know you have good friends, don’t you, girl? We’re all worried about you.” The tenderness in his voice built a lump in my throat.
A tear sparked in the corner of my eye, and I fought to push it down. It was hard to let anyone in. I’d let them all get closer than I’d intended and I was grateful for them, but, at the same time, unsure how to handle it.
I backed away and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “I do. I just clam up sometimes. I’m working on it.”
Rick nudged my shoulder with his own. “Well, work harder. If you were my kid, I’d put you over my knee for the stunt you pulled. Don’t make me call Big Joe and tell him to handle you.” His mood finally turned playful, but the muscles in my belly tightened at the mention of my dad. The last thing I needed was anyone tipping off my family that something was going on with me.
I tried to mirror his spirit and make light of his threat. I jabbed a finger at him. “No one likes a tattletale. Didn’t your mom teach you anything? What’s the matter, no siblings to teach you a lesson?” I crossed my arms with a smile.
Something washed over Rick’s expression, and his demeanor changed. He squared his stance and turned back to the stack of cash. “Nope. I guess no one ever taught me proper etiquette.”
I cleared my throat, feeling uncomfortable. “I’m sorry. Did I say something wrong?”
Rick seemed to have caught himself and relaxed once again. “Huh? No. I just need to get this drawer right before we open is all.” He hooked an arm around my neck and kissed my forehead.
“Okay,” I replied, unconvinced he was being sincere, but it was none of my business. I had my own skeletons to deal with. I raked my hands through my hair, fastening it back, ready to slice up fruit.
“I hope you don’t mind,” Rick spoke over his shoulder, “but I called Angie in to work with us. Since we lost you, I’ve been bringing her in more. It’s been a while, and I didn’t know how you’d be coming back.”
That caught me off guard. It was a weeknight. Normally the two of us could handle the crowd just fine. “Yeah, sure.” My voice didn’t mask my disappointment. I loved Angie. She was spunky as all hell and always a blast to work with, but I hated the reminder of my shortcomings.
“Nothing personal, Eva. It was just a precaution. Promise.” He tapped the edge of my nose.
I waved my hand in front of my face. “Pssh, no—yeah—fine.” I tugged the elastic band tighter around my hair and went to work, cradling my bruised ego.
The place started filling up. I’d thought I was ready for this, but now, with all these people around, I was feeling claustrophobic and under a microscope. I was usually able to ward off advances from the opposite sex, but the latest incident with Damon had left me feeling so broken down that the flirting was fucking with my head. I found myself unable to come up with the usual brush-offs. I felt like they were looking at me like I’d sprouted a third head when I just stared back at them, mute, unsure of how to even respond to a simple, “What’s up?”
I wanted to have a drink so badly to even myself out and loosen up, but I didn’t want to do that my first night back. Not after everything that had happened with Rick. I didn’t deserve the second chance he was giving me. Remember in life, there are second chances. Blake’s forget-me-not number one.
Fuck. I couldn’t let myself go there.
He still hadn’t shown and, at this point, I doubted he would. His seat sat barren, mocking me. Somehow, it was the loudest thing in the room. I felt it on my skin, begging me to look over. I could picture him sitting there—hair damp from a recent shower, his skin shiny and bright, a red hue to his defined cheekbones as he watched me intently, the beauty in his bright blue irises electrifying me, his long fingers wrapped around a rock’s glass. I tried to think of what wise-ass sexual drink he might have ordered, and my lip twitched, recalling his sharp-witted mouth. My view focused, and he melted away like a mirage, taking another beat of my heart with it.
“Miss, your drink is overflowing.”
My head snapped back in front of me as liquid pooled on the bar. Crap. I quickly turned the bottle upright and discarded it, grabbing a towel. “Thanks.”
“No problem. You all right?”
I looked up. The guy’s face was kind, handsome, and somehow familiar. Dirty blond hair was cut choppy and styled in haphazard directions, but I could tell he meant for it to be that way. And truth be told, it worked for him. Even in the dimmer light, I could see the flecks of gold sprinkled in his green eyes. The corners crinkled, inviting me to answer his concerned question.
“Yes, fine. I just got distracted.” I returned to the puddle in front of me.
“You don’t remember me, do you?” I could hear the smirk in his voice, and possibly, disappointment.
I studied his face again, searching my memory.
He gave me a soft smile, raising his eyebrows, trying to will a trigger. “Drew? We met at the pizzeria up the block once upon a time. When you shot me down so nicely.”
Ah, the runway model from when I first arrived here. I knew there was something familiar about his face. So much had changed since then, it felt like a lifetime ago.
“Right. Drew. Sorry. I’m scatterbrained tonight. Obviously.” I motioned to the mess in front of me.
“That’s cool. I always hoped I’d run into you again. I was beginning to think you were something I’d conjured up.” A lopsided smirk slid across his face.
My skin prickled. I didn’t need anyone else poking around in my personal life.
“How’s your friend? Jace was it?” A short laugh spurted from his lips. “He’s a cock-blocker that one.”
Though I was a bit taken aback by his sudden crassness, a chuckle escaped, because, well, Jace was. Drew’s smile was inviting, and I couldn’t help but smile back. “Yes, I’ve trained him well. And you have a very good memory.”
“I thought that whole thing seemed rehearsed.” He relaxed forward, his features softening.
“Yeah, sorry about that. Can I get you something to drink? It’s on the house for being such a good sport.” I draped the bar towel over my shoulder.
He clapped his hands together and dipped his head toward the row of bottles behind me. “Tanqueray and tonic with a lime, please.”
A normal request. My heart sighed, remembering all of the drinks Blake had ordered trying to get a rise out of me. No one would ever compare to him.
“Sure thing.”
I turned away to grab the named label from the back shelf. When I turned back around, Drew’s eyes were in the midst of wandering my body. My cheeks grew warm at the attention. Depositing the glass in front of me, I pretended not to notice as I poured the liquor with one hand, grabbing the soda spout with the other. I dropped the lime inside and pushed the glass toward him with my fingertips.
He clasped his hands together. “So, you still with that boyfriend?” His eyes twinkled, and his smile was hopeful.
Pang.
My heart rate spiked. For the first time, I’d floundered trying to come up with a reply. I wasn’t prepared for that question anymore. Blake had turned my constant lie of having a boyfriend to get out of advances from the opposite sex into a reality. Now at any mention of a boyfriend, all I saw was him, and it crippled me.
My mouth hung there as I searched for the right answer, but none ever came. I guess that in itself was answer enough.
Disappointment washed over his face and his shoulders slouched. “Right.” He peeked up at me. “No worries.” Standing, he reached for his glass before pulling out the straw and setting it on the bar napkin. “See ya around, Evangelina.” He winked, taking a sip of his drink as he casually strode to the other room.
My breathing felt heavy in my ribcage. That one question had made me so nervous. These are the things I should have thought about before throwing myself back into society.
Idiot.
I took someone’s drink order, but I still felt off. The way Drew had looked at me was tough to shake. So hopeful and endearing and . . . humble. Like he knew he’d be shot down and was silently wishing he wouldn’t. Such good-looking guys usually wore cocky grins and inflated chests. It was refreshing, but it made me feel shitty. I’d hurt his feelings.
Angie’s raspy voice in my ear startled me. “That one was a real looker. You know him?”
I jumped away from the intrusion. “Er . . . kinda . . . not really.” I stared in the direction Drew had walked off in.
Angie elbowed me in the ribs. Purple hair spiked from her head, framing her dainty features. “You should go talk to him. He looked like he liked you. Or at least introduce me and hook a bitch up. It’d be a shame to let all that man go to waste.” She bit her plump bottom lip, narrowly missing the piercing in the corner as she stared into the airspace he’d just walked through. He was already lost in the crowd somewhere.
“I’m not quite ready to move on just yet, but thanks for the friendly concern.” I scowled.
Her features softened. “Oh, honey, I’m sorry. I just assumed since it was your decision to end things, that you were good with it. Not handling it well?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it,” I muttered. Someone shouted for a Coors Light, and I bent, scooping one from the basin of ice. “Besides, it’s my first night back, and Rick’s not too happy with me, obviously, since he called you in.” I eyed her from the corner of my eye as I slid the wet beer bottle toward the customer.
“Aw, sweetie.” Her hand blanketed the top of my arm, her eyes speaking for the pity in her heart. It disgusted me knowing what everyone was probably thinking of me. That I was a tragic case. “He didn’t mean anything by it. Honest. He was worried sick about you. He just needs to cover his bases here. You can’t blame him, can you?” She nodded at a group of anxious-looking girls, and they began spewing off their drink orders.
No, I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t even trust myself, so I couldn’t expect him to hold any faith in me. I just had to prove to him I could be the employee he needed me to be. Then I had to prove to me I could be the student I needed to be. Time to get my goals back in line. No more pity party and no more putting people ahead of myself. It was time to get my life back on track. I was so close, and I’d let it all get torn away.
With a grin and a renewed outlook, I called to my left. “Hey, Rick, am I singing tonight?”
A slow smile spread across his face until it reached ear to ear. “Sure are, darlin’.” He winked.
My heart widened a fraction. I could feel it. Feel something. It was a start.
Live me.
The empty chair called to me. I stuck my finger in my ear and wiggled it, shaking out the Blake, and carried on.
I busied myself a short while longer, using all my power to keep my eyes away from Blake’s empty place at my bar. Around ten thirty, there was a break in the music and a tap on the mic. I looked toward the interruption and was met with Rick’s kind gaze.
“Some of you might’ve noticed we were missing a piece of our family for a while there. Our Eva took a short hiatus, and we missed her terribly.” He found my eyes and smiled sincerely. “But she’s back now. Aren’t you, darlin’?” His smile widened.
I nodded once, returning his smile and blowing him a kiss.
“Well then, it’s been long enough. Get your pretty little butt up here and give us a song. I miss that voice.” Rick beamed, and the crowd howled.
Despite the rowdiness, I could hear my heart beating in my chest. No matter how many times I did this, I always got nervous. The past few weeks had been spent singing by my lonesome, once the pain in my throat subsided after having my stomach pumped. I’d have to get used to this again. There was something liberating about letting a crowd hear the words in your heart, though, and I could use the release.
Lonesome.
A smile crept across my face. Feeling the words of the song overtake me, I leaned in to tell the band to play Christina Perri’s, The Lonely. I shook out my hands by my sides and closed my eyes, letting it all sink in as I waited to begin.
A puff of air escaped my parted lips, and I opened my eyes, sliding my fingers up the cool metal of the silver pole in front of me. I didn’t focus on anything in particular as the notes on the keyboard started. Instead, I pulled my attention inward to connect with my soul. To the parts of me I’d been ignoring. With a soft voice, I closed my eyes and let out the truth, admitting that I was just a ghost of someone I wanted to be, a shell of a person I used to know.
The inflections in my voice touched each chord as Blake’s eyes took over the darkness behind my lids. Wetness pooled at the seam of my lashes.
Can the lonely take the place of you?
My voice cracked, picturing all of my lonely lullabies. Nights spent rocking in the darkness as the lonely came to claim me. My octaves dipped lower, telling how the loneliness was what put me to sleep.
I wrapped my arms around my middle as if that would shield the words pouring out of me and make them any less true. My voice grew stronger as I fisted my sweater, belting how I had to let him go and let the lonely in.
And then it came.
The moment of real truth.
In a light voice, the lyrics portrayed our reality. Broken pieces of, a barely breathing story. My voice was wrecked, light, and airy as the tears flowed, sending me into the powerful ending. I took a shuddered breath, all kinds of pieces of broken. Then my eyes opened on the last note of the keyboard, glowing a bright green from moisture, I was sure. I swiped the wetness from my cheeks and bowed my head before excusing myself to break some more in the back room.
The lonely would come to claim my broken pieces tonight for sure.