Chapter 25
Will
I watched Avery through the door to his bedroom. He ran around his room playing with his airplanes. I hadn’t been as attentive to him as I should have been, and that was mainly because I couldn’t get Ella out of my head. She was there when I woke up in the morning, when I did anything in the apartment, and then when I lay in bed at night. I needed closure regarding the whole thing because it was interrupting every part of my life. I just kept thinking about the conversation we had at the Christmas ball. In reality, it hadn’t been a conversation at all. It was her unleashing on me again, not that I didn’t deserve it. If I was even half as up and down with her in real life as I was in my head, then I knew I was driving her crazy. She was so damn frustrating, though, never wanting to hear me out at all. She kept going back to the same thing over and over again, and she never wanted to hear my side. Sure, I had no idea what I wanted, but she wasn’t making it any easier for me to figure it out.
On top of all that, I was starting to think maybe Ella was right. Maybe there was a reason for her to be so angry. I kept denying what she was saying, but I wondered if I’d been thinking of the whole thing in the wrong way. Ella was amazing, but there were times when I got so wound up that I thought of her as more of a fantasy and a replacement for my wife than someone I liked in her own right. But I knew deep down that I cared about her for her, not as a replacement. Still, that had to be incredibly frustrating for Ella on so many levels.
“Daddy,” Avery said, running from his room. “This plane’s wing fell off.”
“Oh no,” I said, drawn from my thoughts. “Let me fix it.”
Avery’s winter break from school started tomorrow, and he would be off until after Christmas. I loved having him home, but that posed a serious issue when it came to childcare. I thought my mother would be the answer, but it was impossible with her so far away. When Ella showed up, she was my first thought, but now I wasn’t so sure. My mother was going to watch him part of the time, but the rest was still up in the air. I hoped that despite everything that was going on between us, Ella would agree to come watch him. I felt safe and comfortable with her watching Avery, and so did he, which was important to me. He didn’t do well with strangers, and the time between him being off and going back to school wasn’t enough for him to get used to someone new. He was a shy kid and didn’t open up to people quickly. Ella was the first person I’d ever seen him grow so attached to.
Ella loved Avery, and I knew if I asked her to watch him and she declined, that would speak volumes about where we were on any sort of reconciliation. If she refused Avery, there was no hope for us, and I didn’t think I was ready to face that yet. The feeling of loss trickled into my chest, and for the first time in my life, it was for someone other than my dead wife. It was for Ella, for what we’d had and what we could have had. I was tired of always feeling this way, but I knew it was my fault, not hers. Either way, she was my last hope for help with Avery, so whether I was ready to feel that loss or not, I had to take the leap.
When I was done fixing Avery’s airplane, I pulled out my phone and scrolled down to Ella’s name. I sat there for a few minutes, taking deep breaths and preparing myself for whatever might be said when I called, if she even answered her phone. I dialed the number and held my breath, waiting for the answer.
“Hello?”
“Hey,” I said, relieved.
“Hey,” she replied, slightly cold. “What’s up?”
“I, uh, I have a little bit of an issue,” I said. “Avery starts winter break tomorrow, and my mom can’t watch him the whole time. I was wondering if you would be willing to babysit him whenever he isn’t at his grandmother’s. I can give you a definite schedule, and I’ll pay you double since it’s the holidays. I’m kind of at a dead end here with babysitters, and I can’t take any more time off work. Not right now at least.”
She was silent, which I took as a positive sign. It wasn’t a no. She had to be mulling it over. I held my breath, my heart beating wildly, but not from the fear of not having a babysitter for Avery. My fear was much deeper than that. It centered around completely losing contact with Ella.
“Fine,” she said abruptly. “I’ll watch Avery, but I want to make it very clear that I do not want you to even attempt to put the moves on me. The first time you do, I’m gone, and you can find someone else. I hate to punish Avery that way, but I can’t be worrying about that the whole time.”
“No, I completely understand,” I responded. “I promise, you won’t even realize I’m there besides getting caught up on what happened during the day.”
“And I don’t want you to stop looking for someone else,” she said. “I’ll only do it until you can make other arrangements.”
“Understood,” I responded.
I was slightly disappointed that she would only watch him until I could make other arrangements. Normally she would watch him the entire time. I was hoping that once she was here, once she saw I was going to leave her alone, she would change her mind on that. She was the best person for the job, with or without our personal issues, and I wasn’t sure I would be able to find someone else, especially on such short notice and during the Christmas holiday.
I would have to give it a try because she’d made it perfectly clear those were her terms. Ella was bending for Avery, and I had to accept that was all this was and try not to read into it too much. I knew she loved Avery, and this was a sacrifice for her. I also knew she was giving up the little bit of peace and quiet she had before the end of the school year to watch a rambunctious first grader, and that was going to be a sacrifice as well.
“Thank you, Ella,” I said. “I’ll see you in the morning then.”
“All right,” she said before hanging up.
I sighed as I hung up the phone. I went and got Avery ready to have dinner with my mom. She was going to meet us right outside the city to have a nice dinner before I had to start a new week at work. I was glad I was going to see my mom. I was finally going to open up to someone about my feelings for Ella and just how hard everything was. I needed someone who would tell it to me straight, and that was my mom. She was always honest with me about these things.
“Mom,” I said, taking a bite of my food, “I think that when Megan died, I let myself fall so far away from any kind of future beyond her that I feel like it’s impossible. When Ella came into my life, I didn’t even entertain the idea of having anything long term. I think, though, that she is half right. While I do have feelings for her as a person, I ignored those and just used her presence to fill a void that was there from Megan’s death. It’s like a double-edged sword. Either way, I wanted to be with Ella, but I was taking it down the wrong route, which I’m pretty sure has ruined any chance I have of actually having something meaningful with her. She now thinks that the only reason I want to be with her is because of that void. I’m pretty sure that screwed everything up past the point of no return this time, and I don’t know what to do.”
“Well, Son, sometimes we make choices without thinking about the long-term repercussions,” she said. “But do you know what the difference is between choosing someone to fill a void and choosing someone because you truly care about them?”
“What?”
“It’s what you think about when you go to make decisions that involve them,” she said. “When you’re filling the void, you’re making the decisions that make you feel good. When you’re making decisions that include the person you truly care about, you’re making those decisions based on them and their feelings about things. I don’t want you to give up on Ella. There may still be a chance for you to redeem yourself.”
“But how?” I asked. “I mean, she won’t even talk to me or listen to what I have to say.”
“Well, the first thing you need to do is, when interacting with Ella, start making choices based on what Ella wants, not just how Ella makes you feel,” she said. “You’ll be surprised how much someone’s attitude changes when they see they’re important enough in your life for you to put their needs and their feelings above your own. I mean, what can it hurt? We should all be doing that when it comes to the people we love in our life. Selflessness is one of the biggest characteristics of someone with strong inner morality. I know you have that in you.”
That made a lot of sense. Ella always acted based on how I felt or how Avery felt, not on what made her feel good. This whole time it had never occurred to me that when I made a choice based on what Ella wanted or needed, it would make me feel good as well, even if I didn’t get immediate satisfaction from it. That right there was how I knew I cared for Ella beyond just sex and fun. I knew that if making choices that benefitted her made me feel full and well, then I cared for Ella on a whole other level than I was realizing.
I had to start doing just that, putting Ella’s need and wants above my own. I knew it was one of the things she desperately wanted to see from me. If she saw that and felt my genuine care for her, it would open her up to talking to me again. My father had always told me that actions spoke louder than words, but I’d never really understood that until now. I may have sat there and told Ella I cared, but I’d never shown her anything other than jealousy, possessiveness, and selfishness. No wonder she didn’t believe anything I said. I wouldn’t want to keep pursuing something with me either if I were Ella. I had made a huge mess out of all of this, but I was slightly more hopeful now that I could fix it.
Chapter 26
Ella
When the sun came up the next morning, dread filled my heart at knowing I had to go next door and face Will. I had promised him I would help with Avery because I knew how sensitive Avery was to change. I knew that if I didn’t watch him, he would end up at some random sitter’s and be full of anxiety and fear. That was the last thing I wanted to see happen to him regardless of where his father and I stood. When I got there, Avery was awake, jumping up and down in excitement because I was going to watch him. Instantly, my mood lifted, and I smiled at just how happy my presence made him.
That was what made dealing with Will worth it, the look on Avery’s face when he opened the door. Not only had I fallen in love with Will, but even before that, I had fallen in love with Avery and his sweet little face. Will left for work without saying much to me, and I could see on his face that he was trying to respect my wishes and stay out of my hair. Avery and I had a blast playing with finger paints, board games, and silly putty, and all before noon. He was obviously in vacation mode, and it made me laugh. During lunch, we sat at the table eating our sandwiches and talking.
“Do you like college?” Avery asked.
“Do I like it?” I laughed. “No, not really. But it is important.”
“Why?”
“Because it will allow me to be a teacher like I’ve always wanted to be,” I explained. “Without going to college, I won’t be allowed to teach.”
“But we miss you when you’re gone,” Avery said. “My dad really missed you this time when you were away.”
My heart somersaulted in my chest. “He did?”
“Yeah,” Avery said, biting into his sandwich.
“And how do you know that?” I asked.
“Because he told me,” he said. “He looked really sad a lot, so one day I asked him what was wrong, and he said, ‘I really miss Ella.’ I gave him a hug and told him that I missed you, too.”
“That was very sweet of you,” I said, trying to hold back the emotion bubbling to the surface.
I watched Avery eat, thinking about what he had just told me. If Will really didn’t care about me, why would he tell his son that he missed me? Why would he be sad and mopey if all I was to him was a fantasy and a replacement? Everything had been so messed up between us, and it was difficult to know whether he truly missed me or if he just missed my “sweet little pussy.” Some of the things he said resonated with me so loudly that it was hard to believe anything else.
Sure, there were moments, especially at the beginning, when he really made me feel wanted, feminine, and seductive. He made me feel like we weren’t just lovers but were friends. Friends who could share our lives and talk about the way we felt. Over time, though, it was like he shut himself off, not allowing himself to feel those things for me anymore. He treated me like a challenge, not as a woman with feelings and needs. It wasn’t about the sex to me. It was more about my time with him. That was something he wasn’t seeing at all. It wasn’t a question of whether I desired him or not. I did, very much, so much so that it was hard to say no to him when he wanted to have sex. But I needed to protect my heart above all else, especially with this baby on the way. I knew if I was going to do it on my own, it was going to hurt me at times.
When Will got home, I barely looked at him. I gathered my things, kissed Avery on the head, and went back to my parents’ apartment. I scrounged around in the kitchen for some food and made myself a sandwich. I sat there at the breakfast bar thinking about my life and my future. Not just my future, but the future of the child growing inside me as well. I sat there for a couple hours, drinking my water and just being there in the quiet of the empty apartment. My parents were at work, and Taryn was out with friends. It was nice to just be for a little while. When I was about to get up, though, there was a knock on the front door. I opened it and found Will standing there.
“Hey,” he said. “I wanted to see if you wanted to come over and chat for a bit.”
“Sure,” I said against my better judgment.
When I got back to his place, we sat and chatted for quite a while about nothing important, just life and work and how things had been going while I was away. It was a really nice conversation, and I found myself falling into a comfortable place with him again. I looked into his eyes as he smiled about Avery’s new love of planes, and I could feel the pull between us. He felt it, too.
He leaned in and kissed me softly, his lips barely touching mine. He opened his eyes and looked at me for a sign, but I didn’t say anything. Not yet.
“I feel so close to you,” he said, shaking his head. “I want you more now than I ever have before.”
I couldn’t control myself at that point. Between the hormones and the emotions, I was ready to have sex with him. I leaned forward and kissed him, heavily this time. He reached up and grabbed my face, our emotion turning to passion. The way he held me, the aggression behind it, turned me on more than I already was.
“I want you, too,” I said softly. “But this can’t be anything more than a one-night stand, and this will be the last time.”
He looked at me, his eyes dark and his face serious. He didn’t say a word. Instead, he stood up and reached down, scooping me into his arms and carrying me back to his room. When we were inside, he gently set me down on the floor and ran his hands over my face, kissing my cheeks, my nose, my eyelids before gently pressing his lips against mine. There was something different in the way he touched me, and I couldn’t figure out what had changed. He reached down and pulled my sweater off before tossing it onto the dresser. His hands ran over my shoulders and behind my back, and then he unhooked my bra and leaned down to catch my breast in his mouth and gently massaging my nipple with his tongue.
As his mouth warmed my breast, he moved his fingers down to my pants and unbuttoned them. He pulled down the zipper and began to pull them off, looking up at me as I used his shoulder for support when stepping out of them. After that, I walked forward and did the same for him, undressing him sensually until we stood wearing only our underwear. Our mouths moved passionately. He scooped me up in his arms once again and laid me on the bed, biting his lip as he pulled my panties off and tossed them to the side. He tugged on his boxers, freeing himself from their constraints, and climbed onto the bed and lay down next to me.
He kissed me softly for a moment and then reached over, pulling me on top of him. I looked deep in his eyes, but he didn’t smirk or give me a coy look. He leaned up and kissed my cheek, lingering for a moment.
“Sit on my face,” he whispered, sending chills up spine.
I climbed onto his face and gasped as his tongue immediately started to work me, running through my folds and massaging my clit. I looked down at his huge cock standing erect, waiting for me. I leaned over and dove my head down, the passion in my belly greater than I had ever known. My hormones were working double time, and I was already almost to the point of release. He groaned into my pussy as I took his cock deep into my throat and moaned from the feeling of him licking me. For several moments I was able to concentrate on his dick, but that didn’t last long. I sat up and grabbed my breasts, rolling my hips against his mouth. The fire in my belly had already ignited, and as Wil reached up and pushed his finger inside me, I arched my back and screamed, feeling the rush of an orgasm explode inside me.
My body thrashed and shuddered with a pleasure I had never known. Even before my orgasm fully subsided, I was ready for more. I rose off his face and crawled on all fours next to him before looking back and biting my lip.
“Fuck me like this,” I whispered.
He sat up quickly and positioned himself behind me, rubbing through my juices before guiding his cock inside me. I screamed out, pulling my head back as his big dick completely filled me. I lifted my ass farther into the air and moaned as he grabbed onto it, rubbing his finger on my ass and creating a whole new sensation inside me. I was wetter than I had ever been. I could tell he had noticed from the groans and growls escaping his throat. It was so fucking sexy to hear him enjoying himself that much, though I could tell he was holding himself back, trying to make it last as long as possible. I reached between my legs and softly rubbed my clit, my fingers grazing the base of his shaft every time he pulled out and plunged back inside me.
He gripped my waist tighter, and his movements got faster and deeper with every passing moment. He groaned and pulled out of me, holding his red, pulsing cock in his hand and taking a deep breath to hold his climax back. He lay on his back and pulled at me over, wanting me to finish on top. I straddled him and grabbed his erection before slowly lowering myself and moaning loudly, wanting this feeling to never end. I closed my eyes and rode him, grabbing onto my tits as I felt every inch of his shaft pulling and pushing inside me. He grabbed me by the waist and started to bounce me faster. The look on his face told me he was ready for release. I reached down and feverishly rubbed my clit, wanting him to feel me come all over his cock.
Just as he slammed me down on him and held me there as his body stiffened, I erupted in waves of pleasure, my pussy vibrating around his dick. He groaned loudly, his body convulsing and his hips pushing up as his erection pulsated inside me, spilling his seed while my juices exploded and ran down his long, hard shaft. We stayed suspended in position, waiting for the waves of our orgasms to diminish. As they did and our muscles relaxed, I climbed off him and caught my breath.
Immediately, I jumped up, searching for my clothes. That had been so perfect that there was no way I could allow anything to ruin it. I’d told him it was just a one-night stand, and I didn’t want to go back on my word. Before I left his room, silence surrounding us, I turned back and looked him, giving him a small smile. Then I walked away. This time, he let me be.