Chapter 13

Ian

 

 

It’s a marathon, not a sprint, they say. I had to constantly remind myself of this. I can get through these last three classes. Three classes and I get to try my hand at this whole socializing thing. I was nervous and excited at the same time. I was anxious to hang out with people my own age, who had careers and understood some of what I went through on a daily basis. Hanging out with teenagers and those who were barely legal to drink day after day made one feel really old.

The things they worried about were very different than the things an old guy like myself stressed out about. They were worried about passing their tests. I was worried about paying the mortgage. It’s all relative, I reminded myself, and tried not to minimize what they were going through. But honestly, sometimes, I had to keep myself from screaming at them. Life can be so much worse! You could lose it all in the blink of an eye.

I took a deep breath and pulled my shit together, again. I can’t afford to freak out on some of the sniveling brats I am paid to educate. As if my subconscious conjured her up, Tessa walked in. She was truly a light in a dark world. 

“Hi,” she said, breezing in. I was a little bummed she was covered up today with jeans and a jersey-style shirt. I loved her collection of gauzy dresses that made her appear to be carefree. Unlike some of the other girls that walked these halls, she had a certain elegance and class. She didn’t have to show a lot of skin or wear clothes so tight every roll and crevice was visible. She was incredibly sexy. Wrong perv. She’s barely legal.

“Hey,” I said, greeting her like a good teacher instead of the guy who was just fantasizing about her. “Are you excited for your trip tomorrow?” I asked. I had been working on my small talk skills, and it was an appropriate question that didn’t cross any lines. I was the only one who knew why I was asking.

She shrugged. “I don’t know if I would say excited, but I am looking forward to seeing my mom.”

I nodded. “Good. Enjoy yourself. Sleep in and relax.” I hoped I sounded properly excited for her.

She laughed. “As if. I don’t have time for that. I have a lot of work to do over the weekend. I figure I’ll sleep in when I’m old and retired.”

I chuckled before I realized I could be the reason she was working so hard. I suddenly felt guilty. “Are you taking stuff home to work on for me?”

At first, I thought she would deny it, but then she looked at me. “Yeah. Not a lot, but I do have a few things to catch up on.”

Ugh, it was a punch to the gut. I had been taking advantage of her kindness and willingness to please. I hated myself for it.

“Don’t,” I said, with all seriousness. She looked at me with surprise. “Really. I don’t want you to take any work home from my class, please,” I said, truly wanting her to get a break. I don’t want to burn her out. She is far too valuable to me, which I hate to admit, but it’s true. I knew some people dealt with grief by throwing themselves into something. It was their way of blocking everything out, but it was rarely effective. It would catch up with her eventually. I knew from experience she needed to deal with the shit now because it would only get worse if she put it off.

“Are you sure?” she asked.

I nodded. “I am. I want you to be able to enjoy your visit. Spend time with your mom. Enjoy your family,” I said in a softer tone.

“Thanks, I really appreciate it. I promise I’ll work twice as hard next week if I get behind,” she said, brightening up a little.

“Good, I’ll certainly miss you while you’re away,” I said, before realizing I actually said the words out loud.

She was staring at me, a strange look on her face. I felt my face turning red.

“I mean, I’ll miss the extra work you always put in, but its fine. Please, take the weekend off,” I said, almost kissing a student who came through the door, saving me from humiliating myself further.

After class, Tessa hung back. I knew she was waiting to talk to me. I hoped she wasn’t going to ask me about the ‘missing her’ comment. That had been weird; even I recognized that. I didn’t want her to think I was a complete whack job.

I don’t want to be alone with her. She’ll want me to clarify what I meant. I didn’t even know what I meant. How could I miss her when I had only known her for a few weeks? It isn’t like we had hung out a lot or even really talked. The fact that I was dreading her absence—and said so—had me just as confused as she was.

Checking out my new office would be a legitimate excuse to leave. I had apparently impressed the dean enough to be given my own office space. It made me feel a little more secure about my job.

I didn’t bother telling Tessa goodbye; I simply picked up my briefcase and headed out the door. I knew she was behind me. I could sense her, and smell that sweet perfume she always wore.

“Did you need something?” I asked, turning to look at her.

“You got an office?” she replied, with excitement in her voice.

I nodded. “Yes, I haven’t set anything up. It isn’t exactly a corner office with a view, but it’s better than nothing I suppose.”

She was beaming, “I want to see!”

She may be more excited than I am. I reluctantly unlocked the door, flipped on the horrible fluorescent light and gestured for her to enter my tiny domain.

“This is so great,” she said, spinning around.

I knew she was trying to sound upbeat since the room is only slightly bigger than a closet. There was a single bookshelf, a desk with an office chair that had tears in the fake leather, and another small chair on the opposite side of the desk.

“Thanks,” I muttered, putting my briefcase on the empty desk. I had yet to personalize it or add anything at all to the space. Honestly, it made me a little claustrophobic. Maybe a couple of plants and pictures on the wall would make it feel brighter and airier.

“I could help you dress it up a little in here. Make it a little more inviting,” she offered.

“That would be great. I would appreciate any help you can give this place. It is in desperate need of a makeover, and a woman’s touch,” I told her, hoping it didn’t sound too creepy.

She nodded, and looked around the room as if planning her attack on my tiny office before looking at me. “I wanted to talk to you about next week,” she said. “I won’t be back until Wednesday, but the syllabus shows it’s the first week of outdoor lessons.” She paused, looking at me, waiting for something.

I nodded. “And?”

She looked at her hands, “Are you going to be okay without me there? I mean, I can try and come back early, maybe come in on a late flight Monday, and then I could be here for both classes on Tuesday.”

I couldn’t fight back the chuckle. “Tessa?”

“Hmm?” she said, meeting my eyes.

“I’ve been a teacher before. I think I can manage a few classes without you here to hold my hand,” I told her gently. “I appreciate you thinking of me, but this is something I’ve done before.”

She shrugged. “I know you can, but, sometimes you seem to, uh, I don’t know, get a little lost.”

I wasn’t going to take her observation personally. It was true. She grounded me. All I had to do was look at her for a few seconds and I found the energy to keep talking, especially on days when the students were zoning out on me.

“Tessa, I promise, I won’t lead them astray. If it looks like I’m completely boring them, or if they’re not paying attention, I’ll throw a quiz at them,” I joked.

“Don’t do that,” she said, looking horrified.

“Why?”

Her head cocked to the side and she scrunched up her perfect little nose. “Because then I have to grade them all.”

I started laughing. She did have a point. More work for the students made more work for her. It was definitely not a fair situation.

“If it comes to that, I’ll grade my own quizzes. You know, I can if it is too much for you. I never really expected you to take on so much of the work,” I told her.

“I like it, really I do. Some days are a little tougher to find the time, but it’s not that bad,” she replied.

I walked around to my side of the desk and sat down. I gestured for her to have a seat.

“No thanks. I should probably get going, I only wanted to make sure you knew about next week and well, you know.”

“Thank you, Tessa, I really do appreciate all you do to help me in class. I’m sure you go above and beyond what any other assistant does.”

She smiled, took one last look at the bookcase, and turned to leave.

I reached for my briefcase, pulling out a couple of the books I wanted to store in my office. The small notebook I kept to jot down thoughts about points I wanted to cover in my lecture slid out and fell to the ground.

I leaned down to grab it, but Tessa was already there. Our hands touched the book at the same time, mine landing on top of hers. That same sizzle of electricity coursed through my veins with the touch.

“I got it,” she said, in a voice barely above a whisper.

I didn’t move. I couldn’t. She seemed to be suffering from the same affliction. Her hand twitched under mine, snapping me out of the trance I’d slipped into. She stood up at the same time I did, her face merely inches from mine. I could feel her breasts barely touching my chest, and I involuntarily leaned in, pushing closer, wanting to feel her against the entire length of my body. It was a foreign feeling, but familiar. A woman’s soft body isn’t something one can ever forget.

I looked up to find her staring at me with wide eyes. I gazed into those blue eyes, and a million thoughts rushed to my head, telling me to walk away. Not to do what my body was demanding. There was an endless list of reasons why I shouldn’t. I wanted to listen to the part of me that knew best, but I couldn’t. I was powerless against the desire consuming every breath I took. The loudest voice was the one I latched onto. It was the one telling me to go for it.

She parted her lips as if she might say something. I didn’t give her the chance. Before I could talk myself out of it, I went in for a kiss. My lips touched hers, softly at first and then with more pressure. She didn’t pull away. I could feel her mouth opening, inviting me in to take more. I did. I took and took and relished the sweetness of her mouth.

My body started to respond to the contact in ways I hadn’t felt since Miriam died. It terrified me. I kept the kiss soft, enjoying the feel of her lips against my own. When she pressed her body into me, I sighed in contentment. It was like the first time all over again. It was a feeling I wanted to hold onto forever. If I only get one last memory, this is the one I want.

My head started to swim with thoughts I knew were completely inappropriate. Slowly, realization dawned. I was kissing a student in my office. Shit.