Chapter 37

Ian

 

 

I’ve waited as long as I can. I didn’t sleep a wink last night. She answered a couple texts, but was really short. She is pissed at me, I know that. I even understand it, but have no idea how to fix it. What can I possibly do?

I could be there. I could hold her and try to work through this horrible disaster. It’s a tragedy. I can’t even imagine what she is going through. Jake told me to give the girls time, and that Maria was on it. Maria is helping her process and cope, so I’m not needed. But I want to be. It’s because of me that she is hurting so badly. I want to fix it.

Fuck it.

I stopped by the store for the basics. It hadn’t been that long since I had a woman to contend with. I picked up what I thought were necessary supplies and various offerings of peace, including a variety of chocolates. Resolute in my decision to help ease her pain, I knocked on the door of the little house where I knew she lived. Jake was helping me out. As was Maria. They cleared the way for me to make my grand gesture.

Taking a deep breath, and praying she wouldn’t slam the door in my face or push me down the tiny cement porch, I knocked.

When I heard the doorknob turning, my heart stopped in my chest, and my breath swooshed out of my lungs.

She opened it up a few inches, her face, devoid of makeup, broke my heart. She looked miserable.

“Are you okay?” I asked. It was not what I wanted to say. I knew it was stupid and I had told myself not to ask that inane question, but it was out of my mouth before I could stop it.

Her answer was a dull stare, a slight raise of her right shoulder and an, “I don’t know.”

“Can I come in?”

She sighed, but opened the door and allowed me in. I wanted to look around. It felt very intimate to enter her domain, and I wanted to savor this next big step for us, but now was not the time. She stood there in a pair of black leggings that showcased her shapely legs, and a pink t-shirt with the breast cancer ribbon emblazoned on the front. Her feet were bare, revealing chipped blue polish.

I debated what to do. Did I hug her? Offer words of comfort? I didn’t know what those were, but I was sure I could think of something.

Her eyes met mine, and my heart broke.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured. “Please.”

I don’t know what I was begging for. Forgiveness? Understanding? Her?

She looked down at her feet, then back at me. “It’s not your fault. We knew. We knew we were playing with fire. I guess I’m the one that got burned.”

I couldn’t stop myself. I had to hold her. She looked so young, so fragile standing there, completely stripped of all defenses. I could literally feel pain in my heart witnessing her going through something so awful.

“Can I hold you?”

She nodded, and I saw the tears pooling the moment I stepped close to her, putting my arms around her waist and my head on hers. Her arms came around me, and I felt the very moment she let go of the pain and stress. She was sobbing now, silently.

I wanted to shield her and protect her from all of the pain and emotion she was feeling. I did the only thing I knew how—I reached down and lifted her up, cradling her in my arms like a small child, before walking to the couch and sitting down with her in my lap. I held her while she wept.

As she cried, I began to truly understand the consequences of my desire to have her. If I would have kept my distance, she would not be in this position.

“I’m sorry, Tessa. I don’t know how many times I can say it, but I am so, truly sorry for putting you in this position,” I told her, again, hoping somehow my apologies would erase her pain.

“It’s not your fault,” she mumbled, her face pressed against my chest.

I sighed; it kind of was.

“I have no idea what I’m going to tell my mom. She is going to be so disappointed. I’m pissed about being expelled, but it isn’t the end of the world. It’s telling my mom I failed that is tearing me up. How can I look at a woman who has fought so long and hard to get me here, only to have me drop out at the end?”

She hiccupped. I saw a box of tissue on a small side table and stretched my arm out to grab it. It was nearly empty, which made my guilt worsen.

“Here,” I said, gently pushing the box against her arm.

She reached out and took several tissues and wiped her face. “Sorry. This is so embarrassing,” she grumbled.

“Don’t be sorry and it isn’t embarrassing. I would probably do the same thing in your shoes.”

She laughed. “I seriously doubt you would cry while sitting on someone’s lap.”

I kissed the side of her head. “If someone offered to hold me I probably would.”

We sat in silence for several long minutes while she regained her composure. I could feel the physical change in her body as she gathered her strength. Her back was a little stiffer, her breathing had slowed down to a normal rate, and the jerking motions from her crying had ceased.

“Do you know what you want to do? I’m here, Tessa. I will support you in every way—if you want me to,” I told her, still afraid she was going to tell me to get the hell away and stay away.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, I want to scream and fight, but what’s the point?”

“Your future is the point. Do you want me to stick by you and fight this thing?”

She didn’t answer, which felt like a punch in the gut to me. My mind started to reel with the possibilities. Could I possibly go on without talking to her or seeing her? Teaching my class without her would be difficult, but I knew I could muddle through knowing I could see her at the end of the day. She may resent me and hold this against me. There was a chance she would move back to Georgia or move to another city to finish the classes she needed.

“Tessa, please, tell me what I can do to help,” I pleaded with her, fighting to keep my own panic out of my voice.

“There’s nothing you can do, Ian.”

“I’ll resign. Do you want me to quit? I will,” I blurted out, trying to think of anything that would make this better.

“No. That won’t solve anything. You have bills to pay.”

I sat there, feeling her warm body on my lap, her heart beating against my chest and it was then I realized I really was truly in love with her. The thought of never getting to make love to her, kiss her or see that beautiful smile directed at me was making me crazy with anxiousness.

“Tell me what you want, Tessa.” My voice was strained.

She took a deep breath. I could feel her steeling her resolve, and I braced myself for the blow that was coming. I could handle it. I didn’t really know her all that well, and when she kicked me out of her life, I wasn’t going to cry or put up a fuss. I would leave and never look back.

“I want you,” she said, turning to look at me.

I stared at her. My head swimming, trying to make sense of what she said versus what I was expecting her to say.

“What?”

She smiled before she gave me a soft kiss on the lips. “I want you. Don’t leave me or give up on what we just got started because of this mess.”

My arms went around her, squeezing her tight. I had to catch my own breath. Her words had left me stunned.

“Ian?” she said, in a voice that sounded a bit strangled.

“Hmm?”

“A little tight. I think you’re crushing my ribs.”

“Oh shit, sorry.”

She laughed. “It’s okay. So, what do you want?”

“You!” The word flew out of my mouth so fast, I’m sure I spat on her in my fervor to get it out. “I want you. I absolutely want to be with you. I cannot imagine my life without you in it.”

“Good.”

“You have me, Tessa. You have every part of me. I am yours until you kick me to the curb,” I vowed.

She kissed me, framed my face with her hands and looked right into my very soul. “I love you, Ian. I don’t want you on the curb.”

I blinked. The words stirred up a strange, foreign feeling that started in the pit of my stomach and slowly spiraled up, leaving a trail of warm honey. I felt all gooey inside. I suddenly felt like a girl, but I didn’t care.

“I love you,” I told her a second before I kissed her.

My heart was beating too fast. I wasn’t sure if I was on the verge of a heart attack or if this was what real love felt like.

We held each other for several long minutes, relishing in that warm bubble of happiness that had encapsulated us with our exchanges of love.

“Now what?” I asked, not wanting to break the mood, but I needed to know what her plan was. I was up for a long-distance relationship if that’s what it took. “I can move to Georgia. I’m sure I can get a job anywhere. Tell me what your plan is, and I’ll be there.”

She looked at me and scared me a little.

“I want to fight. The dean is wrong, and I am not going to crawl away and let her win.”

The conviction in her voice was contagious.

“Okay. I’m ready. I’ll fight. Do you have a platform or an idea on how we fight this?”

She shrugged. “Maria offered Jake’s help. Do you think he will?”

I threw my head back. “Jake will mop the floor of any courtroom or admin office or wherever a trial would be with the hideous head of Dean Scribbs! She doesn’t stand a chance against my little brother.”

“Good. I was hoping that was the case. I did a little research last night, and I’m pretty sure I have a good chance of getting reinstated. I can’t let her win. I have a semester and a half left. I am too close to let that bitch take it away from me,” she said, her fist pumping in the air.

I liked this side of Tessa. She was small but mighty. I knew she was a fighter and was so relieved to know she wanted me by her side when she took on the dean. She would be a force to be reckoned with once she got her bearings.

“I’m happy to help in any way I can. I’m serious, if I need to quit, I will. Truth be told, the job at the college isn’t actually a necessity. I have been doing some freelance consulting the past several years that keeps me afloat along with the life insurance. The dean doesn’t have that kind of power over me. I am not so invested in those students that I will feel guilty for up and quitting in the middle of the semester,” I told her.

“That’s good to know because when the dean finds out you are on my side, she could still fire you. I would never be okay with putting you in the position between keeping your home or being with me. If it gets to that point, you have to promise to tell me.”

I laughed. “Tessa, the house is paid for. I’ll be fine, trust me. Miriam had a life insurance policy. We both did; in case something happened to one of us, we wanted to make sure Ally was taken care of.”

“Oh,” she said. “Thank God. That is a relief. Good. Now we can take that bitch down!”

I laughed, thrilled to be on her side. She squirmed a little on my lap, and it was like a flip switched in my body. I wanted her again.