Chapter 21

Ian

 

 

No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop myself from watching her. She was wearing a pair of shorts that revealed more skin than I had ever seen on her. It created this desire in the pit of my stomach, making it nearly impossible for me to think straight. I watched as she bent over, filling a vial with water from the marsh.

My mind instantly went to a place it had no business being. Her bent position caused her tiny shorts to ride up to the point that I think I could see a glimpse of her ass. My God. I want to be there, behind her, pushing into her with my hands squeezing that pert, fine ass. I know it is absolutely sinful for me to be looking at her and thinking such thoughts, but she has a way of stirring up that basic male instinct in me.

I shifted my position, and my pants had suddenly grown tight. She stood up and was laughing at something another one of the students said. I looked to my right, and I was pissed to see that I was not the only male suffering the effects of Tessa’s backside waving in the air. Jeff and one of his buddies were standing there staring. I could only imagine what they were saying. It was then I realized I’d been down that road as well and was no better than these randy young men.

She looked at me and waved me over. I took a few deep breaths in order to calm the arousal I’d been fighting since I first laid eyes on her.

“What’s up,” I asked, in my most nonchalant voice. Being close to her is difficult. I had to fight the urge to grab her and run my hands all over her body.

She smiled. “We have ten samples. Is that enough?”

I stared at her blankly; my mind turned to mush.

“What?”

“You said you wanted us to get a variety of water samples. We have ten from all over the marsh. They’re all labeled. Do you want more or is this enough?”

“That’s fine. We need to be getting back,” I said, a little more abruptly than I should have.

Her question had only fired me up more. Hell yeah, I wanted more. I wanted it all.

“Let’s go, guys.” She turned and shouted, so the students who had scattered about the marsh heard her.

We began the walk back as a large group, but eventually, the students pulled ahead, leaving Tessa and I walking behind, chatting about the marsh and the health of the various plants that called the marsh home. As we walked on the narrow trail up to the campus, our hands kept brushing. Each time her skin connected with mine, that little fire in my belly was fed, and it was difficult to keep it in check. Each time her hand grazed mine, I wanted to grab it. I wanted to hold it in my own, simply to have that connection with her.

I can’t do it. I know better. But the pull is incredible. I have been wrestling with my attraction to her and every time I tell myself it’s never going to happen; I crave her all the more. Unfortunately, this forbidden love seems to be a disease for which there is no cure.

I managed to get through the rest of my classes without doing anything that would land me in the dean’s office. Small miracle. Once I got home, I plopped down on the couch and looked around. It is the same stuff in the same place it has been for nearly seven years. I knew people usually rearrange the furniture, update their décor and so on, but that had never been something I wanted to do. I preferred to keep it all as it was when Ally and Miriam lived here.

Now I had come to believe it was an unhealthy shrine. I had lived in my self-made hell long enough. I jumped off the couch, nearly throwing Dexter across the room, and dug my phone out of my briefcase.

“Jake, it’s time. I need to clean this place out,” I said, in an urgent voice.

To his credit, Jake didn’t ask questions, saying, “I’ll be there in an hour. With beer. And pizza.”

I walked to my room, stopping to look in Ally’s room and take in the sight before quickly changing into jeans and a t-shirt. I steeled myself for what was coming. It had been years in the making, but I only now managed to gather the strength to move Miriam out of my home. Ally’s room had been in the exact same condition since that horrible day. I had dusted but left her toys exactly as they were. Jake had told me repeatedly it wasn’t healthy, but I couldn’t imagine living in the house alone. Instead, I lived with ghosts. Ghosts that were keeping me mired in guilt, and preventing me from enjoying the life I did have.

I’d been telling myself it was out of respect for them, but now I knew it was my own cowardice.

“Hey, you here somewhere?” Jake called.

I took a deep breath and prepared for a long night.

“Yep, I was just looking around. You ready?”

Jake nodded. “Are you?”

Shrugging, I said, “I don’t know, but if we stand here talking about it, I may lose my nerve.”

“Here,” he said, handing me a cold beer. “Let’s get started.”

“I’ve got boxes in the garage,” I said, heading that direction.

“You do?” my brother asked. “I brought some as well.”

I nodded. “I’ve been collecting boxes with the intention of one day packing the stuff up. It never seemed right before. It does now.”

Jake nodded. “I’m glad, brother. Really, I am. I think this is a big step and am happy to share it with you. Let’s start in your room first,” he said, carrying a couple of boxes down the hall.

Nodding, it occurred to me how sharp my brother was. It would be far easier to remove Miriam’s things than Ally’s, which he apparently had thought of.

“I’ll start in the closet,” he said. “I think I can handle figuring out which clothes are yours.”

I nodded and began collecting various knick-knacks, old bottles of perfume, and so on. It felt strange—touching her things. When she was alive, they were kind of off-limits, and since her death, I had left them as they were. I always felt like I was violating her privacy if I touched or moved anything that belonged to her.

“I should probably throw away all her makeup and stuff, right?” I asked, suddenly realizing that wasn’t something women would probably want.

Jake shrugged. “Yeah, may as well. I’m sure it’s no good anymore after all this time. I guess, dude, I don’t know. Why are you asking me?” he laughed. “You’re the one who was married.”

Shrugging, I shook my head. I didn’t know. I’d never paid much attention to a lot of the things Miriam did.

“I think that’s all in here,” I said, looking around the room and immediately feeling the absence. It wasn’t even the fact I could actually see the missing clothes in the closets or the empty dresser, but I knew it.

“You okay?” Jake asked.

I nodded. “Yeah. It feels weird, but, I don’t know, I kind of like I feel—lighter. Does that make sense?”

He smiled. “I think it makes a lot of sense. You’ve been carrying around a lot of baggage for a long time. Like actual baggage. This stuff is going to make some donation center very happy. Have you thought about where you want it to go?”

“Yeah, there’s a shelter for women and children who are domestic abuse victims. I want it all to go there. I don’t want anybody jacking up the prices to make someone else a profit. I want it to go to those who really need it,” I said, imagining little girls Ally’s age getting to wear her dresses and play with her dolls. It was the only way I could envision anything positive come out of the tragic accident.

“You ready to start in Ally’s room?” he asked, in a low voice.

I took a deep breath. “I’m going to need another beer for that.”

Jake nodded, and we headed to the kitchen to fortify my nerves. This was a job I had been putting off for too long. Putting away Miriam’s things hadn’t been so bad, but I knew that boxing up Ally’s toys, clothes, and bedding would be a different story.

“We can stop if you want, and do it another night if you want to,” Jake started.

“No. I need to do it now while I have the courage. If I don’t, it could be another four years.”

“Okay, let’s do it,” he said, grabbing a couple more boxes and heading back down the hall.

This room was easier in some ways because everything would go, but harder for the exact same reason. I picked up Ally’s stuffed dinosaur. It had been her favorite toy.

“Keep that one,” Jake said, coming to stand beside me. “There’s no need to get rid of every last bit.”

“I will; you’re right,” I said, placing the dinosaur on the dresser with the pictures I was keeping.

The pictures told a lie, but it was a lie I had lived and wouldn’t turn my back on now. I picked up one of the pictures that had been Miriam’s favorite. The three of us were on the beach, the sun setting behind us. We’d had a good time that day. I remember being happy and enjoying fatherhood. It wasn’t long after the picture was taken that they were stolen away from me.

We worked into the night, and when it was all done, I had one box filled with mementos that I chose to keep. The rest would be donated.

We were both exhausted and sat down on the couch, each holding a beer. “Be honest with me,” Jake started. “Is this newfound need to clear this stuff out because of Tessa?”

I had to mull it over before I answered. “Honestly, I don’t know.”

Jake grinned. “Well, I would say that is pretty much a yes. Be careful, big brother. I think you may be playing with fire.”

“I know, and that’s the shitty part about all of it. I don’t know that anything will ever come of it, but at least it has given me the kick I needed to start moving again and doing all this,” I said, waving my arm around the room.

“You’re right, and for that, I will be forever grateful to her. I’m going to take off. You good?”

“Yep, thanks, man. Really, I don’t know if I could have done it without you,” I told him, meaning every word.

He left, and I quickly stripped and crawled between the sheets. Thank God the sheets and bedding were post-Miriam. After exorcising her spirit, I don’t think I could have comfortably gotten in bed with her memory all over again.

The beer had left me feeling a little buzzed, which I needed. I don’t think falling asleep would have been possible without the help of the beer. Unfortunately, the buzz had a way of breaking down my barriers in sleep, as well as when I was awake. Tessa had been on my mind as I drifted off.

I could taste her on my lips. I knew she was here, I needed to find her. I walked through the marsh, following the scent of her perfume.

“Tessa?” I called out. “Where are you?”

“Here,” her soft voice floated over to me.

I turned in the direction and started moving towards her. I’m close; I could practically feel her.

“Tessa, I’m here. Where are you?”

Just like that, she materialized in front of me. My breath caught in my lungs as I took in her beauty. She was practically glowing in a light-yellow sundress that pushed up her breasts, hugging her tiny waist. I reached out, needing to touch her. My hands land on either side of her hips and I squeezed before I pulled her in close. My erection jumped the second her body connected with mine. I wanted to savor her, but I couldn’t hold back. I needed her.

My lips came down on hers. I should be gentle. I wanted to be gentle, intended to be, but the need was all-consuming. I pushed my hips against her; demanding she feel my need, my desire.

“Ian,” she breathed.

I understood. I knew exactly what she wanted and was more than happy to oblige. My tongue dove into her mouth. I sucked and bit her bottom lip moments before my hand cupped her pert breast. I couldn’t get enough. I needed all of her, and now. I was losing control and unable to stop it.

“I need you,” I whispered against her mouth before sweeping across her jaw and nibbling on her ear.

She bucked against me. “Take me. Please, I need you, Ian.”

Her words drove me over the edge, and I frantically lifted her dress, ready to take her right there in the marshes. The dress seemed like it was a mile long. I kept pulling and lifting, but I couldn’t find her center. There are miles of fabric.

“What the fuck!” I scream in frustration—waking myself from the most erotic dream I had experienced in years.

I laid back on the bed, pulling in air. My heart was still racing with the intensity of desire I felt.

“It was only a dream. It wasn’t real,” I said out loud, trying to calm myself. I could feel my erection, straining against my boxer briefs. It was the first wet dream I had in a very long time. The woman had bewitched me. I needed to put her out of my head once and for all.