I felt a little guilty for hoping Olivia would get here before I had to leave again, but when I saw that little girl for the first time, any guilt I had disappeared instantaneously. Olivia was perfect. She was healthy and beautiful, and suddenly I couldn’t imagine my life without her. The love I felt for this tiny human I’d only just met was intense and everlasting.

I was a father. I was Olivia’s father, and I would do anything in my power to make her life comfortable and complete.

Our parents and Maddie’s sister, Cami, came to visit, and they stayed with Mads in the hospital a few times so I could go out and pick up things we’d yet to buy. I put Olivia’s crib together and in her room, made her bed, and hung the pictures Maddie had picked out. Her room was almost as beautiful as she was. I hadn’t told Maddie I was doing anything other than picking up essentials. I told her I was picking up a bassinet until we had time to get the crib put together. And, I did pick up a bassinet for our bedroom, but only because I really didn’t love the idea of my baby girl sleeping too far away from me.

The secret was so hard to keep and hard to do while also wanting to be at the hospital with my girls every hour out of every day they were there. But between our families and me, we got everything together beautifully just in time for us to bring Olivia home.

Maddie’s tears streamed down her face as she rocked Olivia in the glider I had set up in the nursery for them.

“This is all just so beautiful, Seth. You did an amazing job. I love you, I love you, I love you,” she said through her tears.

“I love you too hot mama.” I smiled as I kissed the top of her head and then leaned down to kiss Olivia’s forehead.

“I’m going to hate leaving,” I murmured. “I’ve never wanted to leave you, but I knew you’d be okay. I knew we’d stay in touch.” I softly rubbed Olivia’s head full of brown hair. “Now, the thought of leaving terrifies me. What if she doesn’t know me when I get back?” I kissed both of them again and then took a seat on the floor next to the glider Maddie was rocking Liv in.

“She’s going to know you, Seth. I’ll make sure of it,” Maddie told me as she watched me. The sheer determination in her face was all I needed to let me know she meant business. Hell hath no fury like my Mads on a mission. I knew we’d make it. Things would be okay. Things would be fucking hard, but they would be okay, and that gave me hope.

Olivia grew like a weed leading up to my deployment date. I swear it felt like every single time I looked at her, something had changed. I was going to miss seeing those changes every day. She was looking at things and cooing and taking in the world around her. Being a new parent was tiring, but every time I saw her beautiful face, I forgot all about how tired I was. I forgot all about how my wife mostly lived in old T-shirts that had puke on them. I forgot about all the hard stuff and only saw the good. I had the most beautiful family in the entire world.

My wife was incredible. Maddie was super mom. Even when I tried to help out with stuff and give her a break, she told me not to. She told me to spend time with Liv. Maddie said it was because she wanted to get used to doing things on her own, and that broke my heart. She also told me it was because I needed to bond with Liv before I left. That broke my fucking heart too. I rarely told Maddie no, and this time was no exception, though I did sneak away to wash baby bottles and start loads of laundry when she’d fall asleep with Liv on her chest.

We both knew our parents would be here on and off to visit, and her mom offered to come stay with her through my deployment. Her mother drove her absolutely batty, so she declined and reminded her mom that Katie was there now and she would have help. But when the lights were out at night and it was just Maddie and me lying in bed talking, she admitted she was scared of doing it all alone. I reminded her of her words, that she had Katie here, but it didn’t do much good. Maddie didn’t like to put people out, and she felt like asking Katie for anything would mean Katie was going out of her way to help. It worried me, but I couldn’t dwell on it. I had to believe my wife was strong enough to do this. I also knew Katie would never let Maddie do things on her own that she didn’t need to. She was a good friend, one true constant in my wife’s life.

I’d never cried when telling my wife good-bye at the airport, but the day I left for Afghanistan for the first time as a father, I cried. I had no shame in the tears I shed as I sat on the plane waiting to depart. Matt sat with me and did his best to reassure me they would be okay, and I knew he was right. I was really going to miss seeing my child. I was really going to miss seeing my wife. To be fucking honest, I was going to miss so much of them together that it made my stomach twist into big knots.

I didn’t have to miss seeing them though. Not as much as I thought I would. Maddie sent me at least one picture every single day, and usually way more. Opening my email was one of my greatest joys overseas. Seeing Olivia grow and watching her on video calls made my deployment bearable. At the same time, it made me feel fucking terrible. I was still fucking bummed I wasn’t there to see it in person, but I was thankful technology allowed us to stay in touch and stay together while I was deployed.

This deployment wasn’t much different than the prior deployments outside of the sheer number of injuries we treated. I felt like we repacked our supply bags twenty times a day. At one point, I honestly lost count how many calls were coming in. Some of the calls, we were never cleared to travel to. Some of them, we traveled to only to find there had been a miscommunication. But when we saved, we saved big. I had no kills this deployment and I had a fuck ton of saves. It could’ve been much worse for me.

By the time I got home, Olivia was six months old. She was pretty much crawling. It was more like scooting, and it was the most adorable thing I’d ever laid eyes on. Her dark brown hair, just like her mom’s, wasn’t falling out like everyone said it would. It was growing! She had tight little ringlet curls that neither of us could figure out where they came from. She had a little personality. She was reaching for things and had favorite toys. Sometimes she even sounded like she was trying to string together words for sentences because she had so much to say.

Getting home to hold my six-month-old baby is one of the highlights of my life. I felt a little like I did on the day she was born, when I finally got to hold her in my arms again. I can remember being so terrified that she was going to cry when I held her. My fear was a reality when I first took her into my arms, too. She let out a loud wail and looked around immediately for Maddie, but as soon as I soothed her and she heard my voice, she snuggled right into my arms. It was the first time I realized I could definitely be not only a husband and a father, but also a PJ. I knew I could do it all, because our family was strong.

It turns out though, that my faith in myself was not always shared by my wife. She was beginning to get run down. She wanted Olivia to know me. She wanted me to be there for all of her milestones. She wanted all the things I wanted but was not able to give her, and by the time Olivia was two, I was really scared of losing my family.