The night before Seth left for the first time on deployment, we made love until we cried. Both of us. When he would kiss me, slow at first but turning heated quickly, it felt like we couldn’t breathe in enough of each other. It felt like oxygen couldn’t sustain us. It felt like taking a breath and not knowing if I would get another. When he entered me for the first time that night, I had never felt so connected to him in my life. The way he tenderly brushed my hair out of my face while he was buried deep inside of me was both intimate and needy. Afterward, we stayed that way, him inside of me, until we were ready for another round, like we couldn’t stand to be apart for even a second or two.

For the first time, I understood what it was like to not know if your husband would come home to you again. Sure, when he went to basic training, it was hard. But, I knew he’d come back from that. When he went off for training to become part of the Air Force Pararescue unit, I was okay. I knew he’d come back. Watching him get the credit and honor he deserved the day he was pinned an Air Force “PJ” is one of those moments I’ll remember on my deathbed.

But this was a whole different kind of feeling. There’s these moments in life, where there really are no words to describe how you feel, and the night before he left me to fight for our country, and for our freedom, was one of those nights.

I was determined to get through it, without tears. I wanted to be the strong wife I should be for him. I wanted to be someone he could be proud of. I didn’t want him to worry about me. Worrying about me while he was in a war zone could very likely get him killed, so I tried to be strong. I’ll never forget the confused look on his face when I cried as he entered me that night.

“Are you okay?” he had asked me, gently rubbing my tears with his knuckles.

I nodded. “I’m crazy in love with you, Seth. I just need to remember every second.” I sniffled as he leaned down and kissed the trail of tears slowly dripping down my face. His nose traced my jawline so softly that night as he whispered how much he loved me while he made love to me. When we came that night, for the last time, he had my hands held above my head, squeezing my fingers so tightly it almost hurt. He rested his forehead on mine as he emptied himself into me. He kissed my forehead, my closed eyes, my tear stained cheeks, and finally my lips.

It was by far one of the most intimate moments of my life. I always knew Seth loved me. But until that night, I never knew Seth would die for me. I think we all like to hope our husbands would do anything for us, but I was living with and watching my husband go to war for not only me, but for people he loved and for people who he would come to love. He was going to war for people who’d never appreciate him, and he did it all not expecting to be thanked or to be honored. He actually hated it when strangers stopped us and said thank you if he was in his camis. They used to thank me too and I never really understood it. Until now. When he served, I did my time, too.

Leaving the next day to head to our designated “drop zone” as he jokingly called it, we never stopped holding hands. While we stood outside of the building where everyone was inside with all kinds of mixed emotions, I could swear I could feel the insane, crazy energy from inside those walls. I remember a leaf from a nearby tree falling into my hair and him pulling it out and putting it in his pocket. He had kissed me near my ear and said, “So I can remember how beautiful you look in this sunlight.” He really could be very romantic when he wanted to be. I remember his friends yelling at him as he lingered too long before heading off to join the group of single guys that were waiting for us to enter with them.

Once we were inside and everyone was saying their good-byes, I remember feeling selfish for being so sad as I watched men say good-bye to newborn babies. I watched as women said good-bye to kids who didn’t understand why their mothers were leaving. I could’ve let it eat away at me, but I decided we all had things to lose. We all gave up a little something. If nothing else in that room united us, we were united in our losses. Even if it was totally ridiculous, I was going to allow myself to be sad as soon as he was out of sight. I would be strong for him if it was the last thing I did.

I stood with my back against a wall in a more secluded area of the room, Seth hugging me and whispering in my hair to ignore his buddies.

“Blaze! Get your ass over here. You can have a room for nights on end when we get back from war!”

They were elated to go to war. It made me shudder. He was excited too I knew, but I was also sure he was terrified, even if he’d never admit it. He was most enthusiastic to really put all of his education and extensive training to use. I was eager for him to succeed. I wanted to see him save lives. I just didn’t want it to be in an active war zone.

“Blaze! Move your boots!” Matt grinned like a kid on Christmas day. Matt was the kind of guy that could mask his emotions by acting like a complete child. He built up a wall of humor. It annoyed me that day, but we really adored Matt. My friend Katie kind of adored him too. She’d visited frequently since meeting him. Matt and Seth went through The Pipeline together, so we were pretty close. He was definitely one of the blessings I had. I knew Matt and Seth would have each other’s backs because they’d gone through so much together. I also had no complaints with seeing my best friend so often, even if she had a dual purpose to hook up with Matt. They weren’t very serious when the guys left on their first deployment, but that would change too.

Seth kissed me again, flipping off Matt and grinning against my lips. “I love you, Mads. No tears, okay?”

I nodded against his kiss, trying harder than ever to stay strong for his good-bye.

“Blaze!” another guy from his unit yelled.

“That is the worst nickname.” I laughed against his kiss.

“I kinda like it, Mads.” He grinned again.

“That one is the worst too.” I laughed harder. “Go, before you have to do push-ups or whatever you do when you’re naughty.” I winked.

“That’s not what I do when I’m naughty, baby girl.” He bit my bottom lip softly and sighed. “Be good. I love you. I’ll see you soon.” He kissed me quickly and with finality before he backed away slowly, grinning like a kid at Christmas before running off to join the guys. I know he was sad. There was no doubt in my mind he was sad. But he was so excited to do some good. He made my heart swell, and he made me proud to be his.

The play on our last name, Blaise, for his nickname “Blaze” mostly drove me crazy, but I had heard it so much I was learning to love it. It did sound very strong and alpha, and if anyone needed to be strong, it was these guys. That didn’t stop me from teasing him about how terrible it was, though.

I stayed until their flight took off. I couldn’t see him, and he probably couldn’t see me, but I liked to pretend he could. I liked to think he knew I was there every step of the way. As much as I could be.

The night he left was very weird. I was angry at so many things. I was angry I was alone. I really didn’t understand how my life had gone from “first girl in my family to go to college” to “military spouse waiting for her husband to come home.” Hopefully. I felt ridiculous for sitting around in my sweats eating ice cream. I felt so dumb for being mad that he was going to miss my graduation in three days. I was just angry. Luckily, my parents flew in with my sister two days later for graduation. Seth’s parents came too. They didn’t have to, so I really appreciated them being there in his absence. They honestly did make me feel better, but only time could truly ever make me feel okay. So, I put on another brave face and tried to smile and act as normal as I could.

Graduation time came and went, and I was unhappy to say the least. I was proud of myself, but I wanted Seth to be there so badly. I wanted him to hold my hand until it was time to take a seat with my graduating class. I wanted him there to hug me tightly when we met up after the ceremony. I felt empty without him by my side on what seemed like such an important day. Having our families there was nice, but they weren’t Seth. No one could stay long. It was a short trip. They all flew in together and only for the graduation and the day or so before. I drove them to the airport, saying another round of good-byes, and headed home to a house that would be empty.

I just needed some space to not pretend to be okay anymore. My phone rang as I was tossing my cap onto my bed, which looked uncomfortable in our too quiet home. His face lit up my screen and I lunged for my phone. Forget being a crybaby; he was on the phone! I hadn’t expected him to call so soon and felt giddy inside when I heard his voice.

“Oh myyyyy, it’s a fancy college graduate,” he swooned into the phone.

I laughed. “Ooohhh myyyy. It’s a sexy military man in uniform and everything,” I joked back.

He told me how proud he was of me. He told me how it was hard to adjust to the bunker-type lifestyle they were living in on the base and in the command center he called home in the middle of the world somewhere. He gave me all the information I needed to send him packages, and when he’d be able to talk most times, assuming there wasn’t a call. He rambled on, telling me about his schedule so far and about some of the guys he was living with for the next six months.

I remember telling him how happy I was that he sounded so cheerful and upbeat. I was really worried he’d have trouble and be Mr. Gloom and Doom. Looking back on it, I should’ve been more worried about myself. I plopped down on my bed—our bed—playing with the tassle on my graduation cap and staring at the ceiling. “What now?” I whispered.

“One day at a time, baby girl,” he said softly. “I miss you,” he said even softer.

We really didn’t need words. We just sat there, hearing each other breathe. That was enough.

“Blaaaaaaze!” I heard from the background and before I realized it, I was laughing again. Seth and Matt’s bromance knew no bounds. I listened as Seth tried to get Matt and the other guys out of the room, a few of them popping in specifically to say hi to me.

“Maddie, you crazy lady! Hi!” one of them yelled.

“Tell my girl I said I’ve got a six pack already!” Matt yelled, sounding like a kid who’d had way, way too much chocolate.

I laughed. If the whole deployment went by like that, I bet I could’ve taken it. But like life does sometimes, deployment took a turn for the worse, quickly. As we were all laughing and joking, their squadron alarm went off. I heard, “Scramble! Scramble! Scramble!” and a quick “I love you, Maddie” before a hang up where I didn’t even get to tell him to be safe. I didn’t even get to tell him I loved him too. He knew it though, right?

That night was absolutely the longest night of my young life. I stared at my phone for hours. I called some of the other wives and asked if they’d heard anything on the mission. No one had. Some had not even known it was happening. I watched the news like we were under attack and I needed to know every second of every bit of news that came in. I picked at my fingers so much they bled. I called my mom. She obviously had no idea Seth had been called on a mission, and I definitely didn’t want to do anything that could put him or any of the guys in danger. So I pretended the newscasts worried me. My mom tried to console me. I said I felt better, and I hung up. I cried.

I called Seth’s mom. I pretended I was calling to make sure they’d made it home safely, but I was really hoping she had some information I didn’t. There was no way in hell I was going to worry his mother more than she was already worried. We talked for a few moments. I stayed glued to the news and pretended to pay attention. We hung up. I cried.

I called our mutual friend Cash. Seth met Cash when he went to Georgia for Army Airborne School. I guess the two had a bromance of their own, because Cash and Seth never really lost touch. Seth demanded I keep Cash’s phone number when he left for deployment, “just in case I needed it.” I felt like a crazy person for calling him, but I did it anyway. Maybe I was a crazy person now.

He was the best at trying to calm me down. “Shhh. Deep Breath. Let me see what I can find out,” he told me in his Virginian drawl.

“I’m sorry for bothering you. I’m sure you’re busy. I called everyone else, and no one knows what’s going on. Seth told me to call you if I was ever in distress, and I’m in distress. I don’t know what to do with myself. I am freaking the fuck out.” I spit the words out quickly and almost cried. Again.

“You should’ve called me first, silly.” He hummed and tapped away at his keyboard as I sat miles away from everyone who knew me well enough to know what I needed. I needed Seth to be okay. He’d know what to do to calm me down. I had no clue, and I was losing my mind.

“Alright, Maddie, here’s what I know,” Cash said. There’s a big attack underway on a base over there. I’m sure he’s just really busy.” His tone wasn’t necessarily a scary one, but definitely a wary one. I remember exactly how it sounded when he said it because I remember exactly how it felt to feel my heart stop beating and my lungs stop working. I remember how it felt to feel like I was literally going to die.

“Maddie.” Cash interrupted my anxiety attack in the making. “Breathe.” He wasn’t anywhere near close enough to be with me, but he offered anyway. Cash was a real good dude, and I was glad Seth had him in his corner. That night, Cash held my hand from across the country, or maybe even the world. Who knows with him? He was an elite Army Sniper. I didn’t know if he was at home in Virginia, was back on base in Georgia, or was somewhere else in the world. I was too distraught to ask questions, and he never pushed information. He was friendly but wasn’t going to give up more than I was asking for.

“How many casualties?” I asked, taking a shaky breath and sitting up as the newscast I was watching came across with a breaking news update that United States forces had been attacked overseas.

“No shit,” I mumbled under my breath, rolling my eyes and throwing my remote back down on the bed.

Cash put me on hold and then came back after a couple of really long moments. He said he was gathering intel. He was scaring me silly. “You don’t want to know the answer to that. It will only worry you. I’m telling you. I know Blaze. He’s—”

“Seth. You know Seth,” I told him, grinding my jaw. Most of the time his nickname didn’t bother me. It annoyed me, but in an enduring way. It was sort of like when Seth called me “Mads.” I hated it, but I liked it. The whole “Blaze” thing was actually kind of growing on me. But I needed Seth. I needed my Seth.

“I do, Maddie. He’s okay. Want me to try to get to you?” Cash offered for the second time.

“I’ll be fine.” I just wished I believed it as much as I made him believe it.

He told me to call him back if I needed anything. He said he had promised Seth he would look after me and it was important to him to follow through. It was so very typical of Seth to set up someone to look out for me, with both he and Matt being gone at the same time and me being stuck here alone.

A total of fifteen hours after the hang up with my new friend Cash, I got an email alert on my phone.

My Maddie, I know you’re worried. Please don’t. I’m safe. I wish I could say the same for a lot of the guys I saw today. I love you so much, and after the things I’ve seen, I can’t wait to touch your skin again. Sleep well, my sweet girl. I know you haven’t. I’m willing to bet I’ll get a reply before my computer time is even over. Silly girl.

I replied immediately. “Fuck. I was so scared.” I hit send and then opened a new reply to type something with more substance than a handful of words so he’d have something to read later.

My screen lit up with a video call before I even had time to start the new email. I wiped my eyes for about the billionth time that night before answering.

“Hey you.” I tried my best to put on my brave smile.

“Oh, baby.” He sighed, taking me in through our video call. “I hope it gets easier for you.”

“Just hard to get used to. I called Cash.” I laughed, sniffling.

“Did you call my mom too?” he asked, laughing.

“Yeah, but she didn’t know it was you. She saw the news reports that something was happening. She’s okay.”

He nodded. “You’re the best. How was Cash?”

“He was really nice. Probably thinks I’m a nutjob.” I shrugged my shoulders and laughed softly.

“You are a nut job. A very beautiful, awesome nut job that I love dearly.” He smiled back at me.

“Not even remotely,” I told him as I took in every line and feature on his face.

“I don’t want to hang up. I could stare at your face forever after this horrific day. But I really need to get some rest.” He rubbed his eyes. He really did look exhausted.

I didn’t know how to approach what had happened today. I didn’t want to be too intrusive, and I was sure the trauma for something like war ran deep. I decided it was best to appreciate that he was okay for now. He obviously needed sleep to survive out there, so if I had to give him up so he could sleep and survive, I would do that, for now.

“You sleep, babe. I’m so glad you emailed,” I told him.

“Baby, I’ll always do my best to let you know I’m okay.”

Little did I know the best he could do sometimes wasn’t going to cut it for me.

“Thank you, baby.” I bit my bottom lip.

“You stop that.” He laughed.

I smiled and blew him a kiss. “I love you to all the galaxies and back. Be safe out there, baby.”

“I love you back, to infinity and beyond and forever past that and back.” He winked. “You get some rest too. You need that stuff to function. I’ll call as soon as I can.”

We stared at each other for a few seconds before he ended the call. I watched my phone display for a few seconds longer, feeling empty once again. I locked it begrudgingly and threw it down on the bed but then sat up. I sent a text to Cash and let him know Seth was okay. I got a quick response back.

Told you so.

I rolled my eyes but smiled. I felt a little lighter. I was just worried about Seth’s psyche now. I sent a quick thank-you text to Cash, plugged my phone in to charge, and then I slept for almost a whole day.