Someone lit a fire in my veins while I slept. Every single piece of my body burns. Every muscle throbs. Even my hair follicles hurt. All I feel is pain. I was in and out of a hazy sleep, not yet well enough to say my pain is under control. It feels like a dream. I’m starting to panic. I should be able to say I’m in pain or what’s wrong, but when I try to talk, my throat is so dry no sounds come out. It feels like I’m gasping for air, even though I’m not. I’ve never experienced a feeling quite like this one. I understand what “my mouth is as dry as the Sahara” means, probably tenfold.

The monitors start going off, alerting the nurses my heart rate is up, and they come running in. One nurse runs straight to my bed and rubs my head softly, telling me to calm down. She strokes my hair like I would stroke Olivia’s when she’s in distress.

“Shhhh. We’ve got you,” she says soothingly. “Hang in there with me.”

I try to get words out and fail again. The monitors beep faster. The doctor comes in, checking my vitals and asking me questions.

I’m hazy and in and out, and I don’t really even know what he’s asking me. I just know everything hurts. It’s almost like double vision, except that’s how I hear too. It’s like everything is in a big water bubble.

I feel like I can’t catch my breath, and I start mentally fighting to slow my breathing down. When I feel like I can’t possibly get this under control and I start to worry that the doctor’s will never figure out why I’m freaking out, Seth blazes into the room.

There’s nothing hazy about my Seth. He’s got scruff that would get him in trouble in more ways than one. He looks tired, so very tired. He comes to the side of my bed, kisses my cheekbone just near my ear, and grabs my hand. “Shhhhh, Mads. Shhhh. I’m right here.”

My heart rate starts to slow, but I still hurt so bad. I have tears rolling down my face and into my ears now. I try to speak again and a noise comes out, but it’s not anything anyone can understand.

“Can someone get her some water?” Seth all but barks at the team of doctors and nurses trying to get my heart rate down farther.

Seth gingerly helps me prop my head up, supporting the entire weight of my head with his hand and arm. He’s cradling me with such firmness and such gentleness at the same time, and I relax a little more. He’s got me. He reaches over me as one of the nurses hands him a small cup of water.

“Slow, small sips, Mads,” Seth says as he holds my head up straight, and I take a small sip of water.

I want to down the whole cup. That’s not saying much, since it’s the size of a toddler mouthwash cup, but I want it all and more. The way the cold water drips down my throat soothingly feels so good. I take a bigger gulp, trying to get as much as I can in one sip, and he pulls it away from my mouth.

“Little bit at a time, baby. Try to talk again,” he says as he sets my head back down gingerly on the pillow.

“I...” I stop, surprised audible noises are coming from me. “I hurt.” A few more tears roll down my face.

“Where does it hurt, baby?” he asks as I hear the doctor order a round of medications that I’m sure will make even Seth hazy again. I don’t want that. I need to see his face. I need to see my daughter’s face.

“Everywhere,” I whimper. “How…?” I swallow again, still trying to get my mouth to moisten up enough that I can talk. “How is Liv?” I finally get out, after what feels like centuries.

“She’s perfect. I wouldn’t tell you anything but the truth. You worry about you. Our parents are on their way up, and I just got a text from your sister. She’s going to be here soon, too. I haven’t brought Liv in here yet because I don’t want her to be scared. Let’s get you situated and deal with this pain, and then I promise I’ll bring her in. She’s living the rock star life with Cash, Matt, and Katie in her own VIP suite. Coloring like a mad lady. Relax.”

“Some loving from a tiny human might be just what the doctor ordered,” the doctor says as he makes a note on my chart and moves to assess me. I think he looks… happy? He must be a sadist because everything still hurts. He checks my whole body, some parts hurting way worse than the rest. He orders bandage changes and wound care specialists to come see me ASAP. I think he orders antibiotics for my IV, and I start to worry that something else is wrong. My heart rate goes up again.

“Shhh. Settle,” Seth whispers softly near my ear. He’s soothing me, and it works. It’s always worked. It’s always been him. It will always be him.

“It’s completely common to prescribe antibiotics for injuries as extensive as yours, Mads,” he coos into my ear.

He knows me. Probably better than I know myself. How could I have ever thought otherwise? I can’t wait to talk to him. I can’t wait to tell him how sorry I am for being such a bad wife. I should support him. I know he’d always protect his family. I know so many things at once that it’s an emotional roller coaster, and the tears just keep flowing. Lucky for me, no one around me knows if it’s from pain or from pain.

I hear the doctor tell Seth he feels confident enough to say I’m out of the woods but that the road to recovery will be very long from here. I haven’t stopped staring at Seth, so I see him nod and reach his arm over the bed to shake the doctor’s hand.

Finally, another nurse comes in with a whole array of different medications. I look to Seth, worried, and then look toward the water. He gets the small cup, and I swear it’s still full. How? I want so much of that water. I take a small sip again, as commanded before, and then look to him as the nurse sets her things down on the bed next to me.

“I don’t want to fall asleep again, Seth,” I say quietly.

“You need sleep right now,” he reminds me gently. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here the whole time,” he says as the nurse starts to rattle off the numerous amounts of drugs she’s putting directly into my veins.

“You might smell or taste this, honey. It’s saline to flush your drip.” She pats my arm softly.

Immediately after, I get a weird smell I can almost taste in the back of my throat. It reminds me of the hospital. Imagine that.

“This one’s going to make you feel heavy, but it’s not going to knock you out immediately,” she tells me, looking to Seth in regard to my earlier comment. She pushes the pain medication, and immediately my limbs feel heavy and numb. Relief! It does exist!

She goes through another round of medications, one for anxiety and three different antibiotics. Then she says she’ll be right back with another to help me sleep as she winks at Seth.

As everyone exits the room, he pulls the chair close to the bed, takes one of my hands into both of his, and kisses every knuckle, every fingertip.

“I thought I lost you.” His voice is barely audible. I watch as he swallows a lump in his throat. An outwardly emotional Seth is a rare sight. It breaks my heart to see him so hurt by this.

“I’m so… so sorry,” I say quietly.

“No, Maddie. Shh. You’re right. You’re right about all of it. Don’t worry. We’ll talk. I just want you to get well, okay?” He runs his thumb across my knuckles soothingly.

“I want to know everything is okay,” I watch his eyes, looking for an answer in them.

He watches me intently as I struggle to continue, my words starting to slur a bit.

“I’m completely defenseless here,” I nod toward my battered body.

“You’re never completely defenseless. I’ve got you,” Seth whispers as he kisses my forehead.

The nurse comes back in and gives me medication for sleep.

“I’ll see you on the flip side, baby girl.” He gives me his trademark grin. It’s sleepy, but it’s real.

“Don’t go anywhere,” I beg him.

“You don’t go anywhere, little miss.” He smiles again as he kisses my bruised cheek.

I squeeze his hand three times as the medications drag me under again, and he knows I’m telling him he’ll never lose me.

It feels like only minutes have passed when I wake up again. Seth is still in the chair next to me, his fingers entangled with mine.

The chair is pushed back a bit so his long legs have room to stretch out a little, and his tall frame is leaned over the bed with his forehead next to our hands. I can see the top of his head and down to his jaw, which is way beyond regulation scruff at this point. There’s something on the back of his head, near the base of his neck, but I can’t make out what it is and when I try to move my head to get a better view, the pain reminds me how bad of an idea that is. A knot forms in my throat at the same time that he looks up.

“Maddie,” he whispers, his voice filled with a sleepy gravel.

“Hey, baby,” I try to say. I really don’t feel like it’s coming out right though. Everything feels so off when I try to speak.

His eyes light up. Maybe it made sense after all. He kisses my hand and stands up. I know his back has to be screaming at him. I can tell by the way he stands. He looks slumped over, and usually he has nearly rigid posture. He needs to give himself a second to stretch. He hasn’t even given himself the few seconds it would take to stretch out a little. When I think about it, Seth rarely took time for himself. He wasn’t a “party with the guys” kind of husband. He should take more time for himself, I decide as I watch him. I’ll remember to tell him, too. I hope. He leans down and kisses my forehead softly, lingering there for a few moments.

I look up at him and smile as best I can. I nod toward the cup of water at my bedside, and he obliges quickly. As I take a sip, my throat feels some relief again, and I am able to drink a little more water at once. I’ll take that progress, for now.

Seth sets the cup back on the bedside table, watching me intently.

“Relax,” I whisper gruffly. “I’m okay.”

His body visibly slumps in relief before he finally takes a long stretch. This man loves me more than I think I ever understood.

He sits down in the uncomfortable chair next to me again and takes my hand in his as our parents arrive with Liv hanging on my sister’s hip.

“Mommy!” she cries.

“Hey, baby. Go to Daddy,” I tell her, smiling. I have no idea what I look like, but it’s probably pretty terrifying. I wish we had some warning on this visit, but at the same time I’m so happy to see everyone I love in one room, safe. Seth was right; Liv’s injuries have been worse on the playground, and for a moment I am so proud of myself. As stupid as I was, I did my job. Better yet, I lived and I’m going to get to see my little girl grow up because I stood up for her. I protected her when Seth wasn’t here. We’re a team. A really, really good team.

“Sorry guys, didn’t have time to put my face on,” I joke as everyone stands around my bed in a semicircle. It’s so weird seeing them both relieved but also looking like they don’t know what to say.

My dad laughs first. Then everyone laughs with him. Seth takes Olivia into his arms and helps her sit in his lap as he pulls the chair closer to us.

“Mommy’s okay, baby. Just be careful. She has some ouchies,” he says softly as he pushes her dark brown hair out of her eyes.

“Hey, mini me.” I smile.

My toddler looks a lot older as she takes me in and leans over me gingerly with Seth’s large hands on her sides to support her. She kisses me softly on the cheek, and I melt.

I hate that my daughter had to be put in such a horrific scene. But I’m blessed she will probably never remember much of it. I’m grateful she didn’t witness or hear a lot of the things I did. I was happy she didn’t feel pain like I felt. This could have all turned out so much worse.

Seth helps Liv sit next to me as everyone kind of awkwardly stands around us. Once she’s comfortably sitting on her own and without causing me pain, he stands up and hugs our parents. I notice the bandage on the back of his head. Now I know what I saw earlier when he was resting peacefully next to me.

“Seth,” I say softly.

He turns around quickly. “What is it, baby? What do you need?”

“No, nothing. It’s not me. Are you okay? Your head,” I say, watching for his tells, those little ticks he has when he’s trying to make a situation seem not as bad as it actually is.

“I’m fine. Just a little bump,” he tells me, and I see no sign of distress. So either he’s gotten better at hiding it or he’s okay. By the look on everyone’s face, I’m the one in worse shape.

“Daddy has an ouchie, too,” Liv states.

“He sure does. Looks like you have some ouchies, too kiddo.” I nod toward her bandages.

“I do, but I was a big girl. I’m okay, Mommy. And I even got a princess Band-aid!” she says excitedly.

Maybe I shielded her from some of the horror. Maybe it’s not as bad as I think it is. I can’t remember a lot of what happened after the gunshots and chaos. But I know a gunshot wound is not my only problem.

My parents come to the head of my bed as Seth’s parents pat my leg softly.

“So glad you’re okay, baby,” my mama whispers. She’s like me, emotional, so she’s a blubbering mess. My dad smiles at me as he pats her back. We speak without speaking, and I know all I need to know. Dad knows I’m safe, and he’ll take care of Mom.

We visit for a while, avoiding the elephant in the room—the attack, or whatever it was. I’m not overly anxious. I’m not sure if I’m reacting appropriately because everyone sort of tiptoes around me and the words they choose. I mean, I don’t feel super awesome, but I don’t want to kick anyone out of the room due to how I feel, either. I do need to talk to my husband, though. I need to know we’re on solid ground. I need to know he’s going to help me through whatever he decides. I need him to hear me say I’m not going anywhere.

I’m fighting a lot of weird and unknown emotions when the pain starts to come on a little too heavily. I wince, trying not to show how bad it is, but it must be written all over my face, because everyone jumps into action pretty quickly.

Seth hands Liv off to Katie and Matt, who’ve come in during visiting hours, and then he ushers everyone out of the room as Cash calls for a nurse. It all happens really fast. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think this whole coordinated system has been rehearsed.

The nurse comes in and checks my vitals then exits the room, promising to return with something for the pain.

Cash stands near the doorway as Seth takes my hand. “You okay, Mads?”

“I’ll be okay. It just hurts,” I say plainly.

“I know, baby. I know.” He rubs his thumb across my hand soothingly.

The nurse comes back in almost as quickly as she left and pushes medication into my tubes and wires. I fall asleep to Seth kissing my forehead, his scruff brushing against my skin as he does. He smells so good. I want to remember that smell for the rest of my life.