The first year of Olivia’s life, she spent about three months with Seth. It broke my fucking heart. I wanted my daughter to know her father, and while I knew his job was important, I was torn. I wanted what was best for my family, even if that meant Seth making the choice not to sign his reenlistment contract. I didn’t say anything to him though, because I wanted to support him. I wanted to be the good wife. I didn’t want to become this woman he hated and resented for “making” him get out of the service. So, I sat by while he hummed and tapped his pen when he considered what he would do. I pretended I was fine with whatever he chose.

Katie and Matt continued their relationship, which was easy enough without a baby in the picture, I realized. All that time I spent upset when Seth wasn’t there, looked childish in comparison to what life looked like with Olivia. I wanted everything for her. She deserved it. I went between being angry at him to being angry at myself for being angry at him. There were a lot of conflicting emotions. All I knew was that this wasn’t okay with me. I couldn’t sit by and let him watch his child grow up via pictures and video calls. I refused to let Seth become “that” dad, because when he was home, he was the best dad any child could ask for.

Olivia had Seth’s dark brown hair, a lot of it for a toddler. She had beautiful hazel eyes that reminded me of him every single time I looked into them. It stung. But like always, when he was home, things were amazing and I started to doubt my sanity. Was I only crazy when he wasn’t around? Was he my safety net? Why wasn’t I just as mad when he was home as I was when he was gone? I was at my wit’s end, like a rubber band that had been stretched too far and was about to snap.

By the time Liv was two, I really had pretty much lost my mind. I had absolutely no interest in staying a military family. I was angry at our government and our military for taking so much of my life away in such big chunks of time. I hated it. It was irrational, and I knew it, but I also knew I needed my husband and Olivia needed her dad. I was stuck in a really hard place, and it broke my heart.

One night, right before Seth was getting ready to come home from yet another deployment, was particularly bad. He was stateside and finally had access to a phone for longer than a few minutes —and alone in a hotel room. It was usually when we started to make up and I started to feel better about life. There was always this constant ebb and flow. These nights of deployments were usually the easy nights.

“You’re being crazy, Mads,” he told me. In hindsight, he was right, but at the time I really thought he was a lunatic for calling his wife “crazy.”

“Me? I’m crazy?” I remember yelling. “You’re the one who’s only seen your daughter six months out of her entire fucking life, Seth. I can’t do this anymore.” I started crying.

“I think I’m going to go back to Louisiana and be with family,” I sobbed. I knew I couldn’t. Cash was coming in for Seth’s return as a surprise welcome home. We might have our problems, but no one on the outside knew it, at least not from me. I really wanted to keep my family together, but I was at the end of my rope and losing my grip on what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like.

He stayed silent for a few beats. “Maddie, I’ll be home in three days. Please stay put until I get there,” he pleaded with me.

I didn’t say anything at first, just sniffled, wiping my tears and my snot on his hoodie that I was wrapped up in on the couch. I watched the baby monitor as I sniffled again.

“We’ve been through too much to be here. We’ll figure this out. We have to. You’re the love of my life. Please stay put. I am fucking begging you, baby girl.”

Seth wasn’t a begging kind of guy. He preferred to be begged, so to hear the desperation in his voice was more than unnerving. He sounded like I felt. I’m sure I sounded just as bad. I owed it to the man I love to hear him out over his decision on signing a new contract before I tore our family apart.

I took a shaky breath and said okay.I heard him starting to say “I love you” as I hung up the phone and it broke my heart to continue to press the end call button anyway, but I was just so exhausted. I cleaned my face a little and locked all the doors, then crawled into my bed where my two-year-old little girl was snuggling with a teddy bear Seth had custom made out of some of his ratty uniforms from the past.

My love was running out. The cup of love didn’t overflow when he was never with us, and I was so sick of the roller coaster of emotions I went through. I felt like a person crazy in love with her husband and her family every single time he came home, only to have him leave again way too soon and make me feel like skin and bones. I hated wondering if he was going to come back the same man, or if he was going to come back at all. War had changed him, but when we were together, he was always my Seth, unless it was a particularly bad night for him sleep-wise. It was just that the times I actually saw my Seth were so few and far between, and I may as well have been married to someone who lived on the other side of the world. If I was honest with myself, I had no idea where his head actually was.

I cuddled Olivia that night, and I cried myself to sleep.

I woke up to an email from Seth.

You can’t just walk away from us, Madelyn. We’re too important. She’s too important. I love you more than anything in this world. Even my job. Please don’t give up on me.

I emailed him back quickly.

I’m sorry for the shit I said. I love you. I’m just tired, Seth. I deserve to have my husband, and Olivia deserves to have her father. I’m a wreck. I don’t know how I can possibly survive another deployment.

Katie came and stayed with us for the remaining two days of Seth’s travel back home, even though she was only a few miles away and her apartment was much nicer than the base housing we were in. She was the best friend I could have ever asked for.

The night before he arrived, there was a terrorist attack in an airport near a military base in Virginia. It broke my heart. The information coming in seemed like the attack was directed at military families. The terrorists bombed the family members while they were waiting for their loved ones to come back from war.

Too many people died. Too many people got injured. Men who had served for years and never were injured lost their lives trying to come home to their families. It wasn’t right, and it was enraging. I couldn’t understand how people could actually treat another human life that way. It also made that twinge of guilt I felt for being angry with Seth pop up.

Families who probably had a lot of the same emotions I did lost their whole worlds in the blink of an eye. The Marines arriving that day were able to either take down or capture all but one of the terrorists, and it was the only positive light I could find from the whole ordeal.

I tried to call Seth to tell him what was happening, or to find out if he knew anything more. I knew Cash lived in Virginia, but I was pretty sure he’d already headed this way for his surprise to be there when Seth arrived back stateside.

I sent Cash a quick text.

Hey, let me know when you land. Terrorist attack in Virginia. Just need to know you’re okay. xo.

Seconds later I got a text back.

Thanks for checking on me. I’m okay. Just landed in Arizona about thirty minutes ago. Sitting put for a bit while I find out what the fuck is going on. I’ll see you and the little lady in the morning.

At least he was okay. I certainly was far from it.