Wow. We were going to have a baby. I had mixed feelings, because I knew Seth and I knew he was going to be so excited, but there was a part of me that was terrified he’d be unhappy. Luckily, that part of me couldn’t have been more wrong. It would be hard to match his excitement over the coming months. He was just that kind of guy. Me? I was scared. Being far from home with no family nearby was scary. There would be so many doctor visits that I would have to go to alone. It was dumb, but all I wanted was for him to be there when I found out what sex our baby was. I wanted him to be there, holding my hand at every visit, no matter how small. It was really too early to be thinking about all of those things, but as someone who had just found out she was becoming a mom, I gave zero shits about the ridiculousness of my thoughts.

Katie and I had been texting, and she said she needed to tell me something. I obviously needed to tell her something, so I called her, trying to get the words out correctly. It was so strange! “I’m having a baby” is never really something you get used to saying. We argued about who should go first and eventually she won out, so I went first. She squealed and squeaked and clapped her hands.

“Then you’re going to love my news, because I know you’ve already started worrying and spazzing about everything, and that’s about to change,” she told me, and I could hear the smile in her voice.

“Well, damn, tell me!” I laughed.

“I’m moving to Arizona!” she said.

“What? Why?” I asked, my worries forgotten for the moment.

“Things with Matt are… serious. We’re handling deployment well, and he says being out there has made him realize he’s lucky he met me. It’s all really fucking sweet and will probably induce your morning sickness so I’ll stop, but I’m moving! I’m not going to live with him—”

“Yeah right!” I laughed.

“Well, I mean. I can’t. We aren’t married.” She giggled. “But you’re right. I’ll be over there nightly.”

We laughed as she told me about a job she had already managed to land, and she asked if she could come up and apartment hunt soon. I accepted that offer without hesitation. A few days with my bestie was exactly what the doctor ordered.

A month later Katie came to visit and found an apartment nearby, but the lease didn’t start for another three months. I was living alone while Seth was deployed. We both looked at each other with a gleam in our eyes, and I laughed.

“I wonder if I could have a long-term visitor. Hmm. Hold that thought,” I told her, laughing as I tapped out an email to Seth on my phone.

Yo, Blaseth. (See what I did there?) Is there some sort of paperwork I’d need to do to let Katie come stay here with me for a couple of months? I’m not sure what Matt has told you, but she’s moving here. Shhh if he hasn’t said anything! Anyway. She found an apartment, but the lease doesn’t start for three more months. Her job starts sooner. Soooooo, I was thinking since I’ll be here anyway, maybe she could come stay for a little while. It will give her time to get settled and stuff. Let me know. I love you and miss you and need your face in my life.

I remember us laughing and googling the answer to our question. Not because I lacked the need or want for Seth’s input, but because we couldn’t wait to find out the answer. Almost immediately after I sent the email, Seth was video calling me.

“Hey, Daddy.” I smiled. His face was enough to light up my whole life.

“Hey, hot mama.” He winked. “Hey, baby Blaze,” he cooed.

Katie jumped into the screen’s shot. “Yo, Blaze!” She laughed and then said very sternly, “Baby will not be called baby Blaze, copy?” She crossed her arms all seriously.

“Wilco,” he told her, laughing.

“Also, it’s cute how you two think Matt and I don’t talk. I know everything, baby! I am Superman; hear me roar!” he said, leaning back against a wall outside. It looked like one of those portable trailers you put stuff in when you’re moving. It made me sad that he was living in a tin can, but I shook it off and smiled at him.

“Superman doesn’t roar, lover.”

He smiled brilliantly at me and nodded. “I’m my own kind of Superman.” He winked before continuing. “I don’t have long but two things. One, how are you and baby Bla—?”

“NO, SETH!” Katie practically whined.

He laughed. “Sorry. How are you and our beautiful fruit baby?”

“What?” Katie asked from the background.

“Alien baby is the size of a fruit every week. This week’s an olive. I know it’s not a fruit.” I laughed. “Shhhh.”

She looked at me kind of funny and nodded, while she sipped her coffee.

I laughed as I turned back to him. “We are good, babe.” I nodded, rubbing my tummy even though it wasn’t poking out, even in the least. At my absolute worst right now, I looked like I was a little gassy.

“Let me see!” he said excitedly.

I grinned and pointed the camera toward my belly. If you would’ve asked Seth, he would’ve told you I was showing at three months pregnant. I just let him have it, even if it meant by his logic I would be the size of five of me by the time I gave birth. It made him happy, and anytime I could make my guy smile, it made me happy.

As I panned the camera back up to my face, I saw his smile and I couldn’t stop grinning like an idiot.

“Ya’ll are so gross,” Katie mumbled.

“Drinking enough water?” he asked me, just like he always did.

“Yes, Dad,” I said sarcastically. As I always did.

“Okay, gotta hurry.” Just as he started to speak, his unit’s call sign came through his end of the phone as it all too often did. Katie sat up straight and moved into view so she could see what I was seeing, which wasn’t much.

“Love you, baby,” Seth started, like he always did during these situations where a call for help interrupted our phone call.

At least we had routine, right?

“I love you, Seth. Save them, but don’t be crazy. Mama and baby need you to come home.” The latter part was a fun new addition.

“Always.” He went to click off the call.

“Tell Matt to be safe! Take care of each other!” Katie said as the call disconnected. I wasn’t sure if he heard her.

By Seth’s tally, we had only been cut off like that a few times. By mine, it had been exactly fifteen on that deployment alone. Yep, I’m a total crazy person who tallied it so I could keep him in perspective. Not to win a fight, but to remind him how many times I was so lucky to have him come back to me. I know there were many more times than I knew about that he was called out. But these were the ones I knew of. These were the ones I was thankful for every single time I saw him again, heard his voice again, or got an email from him again.

The next two hours were rough, but also a real bonding moment for Katie and me. For the first time, I knew her feelings for Matt ran deep, because she looked just like I probably looked every single time I considered the chance that Seth might not come back home.

I got an email from him shortly after I told Katie how I felt every time these things happened and after she expressed having the same feelings. I shared some of my weird things I did to cope, and I tried to make light of the situation by telling her how in love she was, but it was hard to joke around. We were worried sick.

I opened the email on my phone and read it aloud so Katie would know what was going on and she would know I wasn’t filtering anything on her behalf.

Hey, Mads. Sorry about that. You know how it goes. Got another save! Add it to my tally!

I was going to tell you that Katie can come stay. You know I have no problem with it, and since we’re off base you shouldn’t need to worry about any paperwork. Neither should I, thankfully. You know how much I love that shit. But I feel worse for the people who have to read my chicken scratch. Everyone’s okay. No shots taken or fired for our unit, and it looks like the guy we picked up from Canada is going to be okay too. I’m exhausted though. Going to bed. I’m excited Katie will be there with you while I can’t be. I’m sorry about that, baby. I hope you know how much I wish I could be there. I love you. Sleep tight tonight, my sweet babies. ;)

“I’m glad he didn’t say anything dirty. I so do not want to hear how Seth dirty talks.” Katie laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

“Girl, you have no idea.” I winked.