I hated this time of year. Wished I could sleep through it every single year, and most years I could, because I rarely took time off work for personal matters. This year though, everything had conspired against me.

First, I’d planned a special meal so that Colt and I could hash out the details of the past. I know, Mom was right that it was a long time ago and I should really be over it by now. But I wasn’t. I didn’t think I would ever be over it, but I did think there was a possibility I could forgive Colt so that we could move forward.

In fact, I was worried that I had already forgiven him. But dinner was supposed to help me figure it out. Only he’d called about twelve hours later to tell me he was in the air on his way to D.C. for work. I could respect that if he hadn’t already stood me up, making me think about the last time he’d left me hanging. Still we talked on the phone and things seemed okay if a little strained on my part.

Then he went to Mexico and hadn’t even bothered to tell me. Which, funnily enough, told me exactly where I stood in this relationship. So when he finally remembered I existed, I hadn’t bothered picking up any of his calls. Childish, I know, but I couldn’t get over my hurt.

By the time this week rolled around, I was a complete wreck. I’d called Ann and told her I wouldn’t be in until Wednesday, claiming sickness. Heartsick counts, right? This was the week I had lost everything and I was a blubbering mess all over again. How this pain could still consume me, a decade later, seemed unfathomable. But from the moment I’d woken up an unbearable sadness had pinned me to the bed. Full of melancholy, with a heavy heart that made every breath hurt.

I went through the same ritual I did every year, digging the memory box out of the back of my closet. Covered in pink, red and white roses, I pulled the lid off and the tears came straight away at the sight of the little booties with teddy bears on them. I pulled out the first and only sonogram image I had of my baby, a U.S. Navy t-shirt I’d bought when it became clear Colt had no interest in being a father. The tears came in a deluge as I took in every memory sprawled all over the sofa and the coffee table. Then I sank back into the devastation of that time. Alone.

Completely and totally alone. Eventually I’d come clean to my mom and she did her mother thing, soothing and comforting me. At least providing any comfort that could be had after miscarrying a child. Which, as it turns out, was none.

Even today it hurt as bad as it had the first time around. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but I felt hopeful that clearing the air with Colt, finding out why he’d never said a word, not even a “I don’t want to be a dad,” would help me heal.

Now someone’s fist tried to beat down my door. Standing on shaky legs I scanned the living for the box of tissues that would make me appear not so frightening to whoever was trying to get my attention. I did the best I could, wiping away tears and drying my nose as I padded towards the door on leaden legs. The moment my fist curled around the doorknob I knew it was Colt, and though I didn’t want to have the conversation this way, he’d taken the choice out of my hands.

“Yes?” Not exactly my most eloquent moment, but he had been beating down my door like he had something to say.

Shock was the first emotion that registered on his face and I felt sure it had everything to do with my appearance. Baggy grey sweat pants and dark green Tulane hoodie with bare feet, never mind my hair sticking up in all directions, red nose and bloodshot eyes. I knew what I looked like because his face said it all.

“What’s wrong? I’ve been trying to call you for days.”

I turned away and went back to my spot on the sofa. “Except for when I needed you to call Colt.”

The door closed and locked, he walked into the living room with his arms crossed and a dark look on his face. “What the hell does that mean?”

“It means you should have called me to say you would be late, to say that you were leaving D.C. for Mexico. Not after you’re already late. Or gone. Again.”

That’s when I knew that this wouldn’t be a pretty conversation. It would be ugly and probably painful, and there was a good chance when it ended we would no longer be together. Again.

“Is that what this is about? You’re punishing me for not telling you every little detail?”

A bitter laugh escaped, and I shook my head, wondering not for the first time if this was useless. Were Colt and I destined to fail? Would this happen across all timelines, all lives in all dimensions?

“You think that’s what I’m doing? Of course you do.” My heart cracked and then splintered, but for now, still whole. “It doesn’t matter. Why did you come here?”

“To make sure you’re all right. To find out why you’re not at work.” His gaze took me in, glancing over the items spread around me.

“As you can see I’m fine. I’ll be back at work on Wednesday.” Maybe. I might not have a job before this day was over.

“Clearly you’re not fine, so why don’t you talk to me Jaya?” He dropped down in the chair just to the left of where I sat. Close but not close enough. Message received.

“I thought about it, but then you proved to me again that I don’t matter to you so no, I don’t think I will. You should probably just go.” Another crack formed in my heart, making it hard to breathe.

“Dammit Jaya! Why is this so hard? It never was this hard before, was it?”

“Not for you Colt. You left before it got hard and made sure you never had to deal with it.”

“I need a beer,” he jumped up and his long-legged stride carried him to the kitchen. The fridge opened and closed, then the bottle cap popped as his footsteps retraced his steps. “What the…are you pregnant?”

“Not anymore, but you know that.” I didn’t know what Colt was playing at but I felt my anger go from simmering to boiling.

“I have no idea…are you saying you had an abortion while I was away?”

“Stop! Just stop this right now! You’re a lot of things Colt but I never thought you were cruel.” So much for being strong. The tears fell fast enough to blur my vision but if this is how he wanted to play it then maybe it’s what we both needed. “I would never have an abortion, not after losing a child. You know the one you didn’t give one damn about?”

“Child? What are you talking about?”

Here goes. “I hated it but I understood that maybe you didn’t want to talk to me, after all you left me with no notice so I knew I wasn’t all that important to you. But when I emailed you that I was pregnant I expected something, even if it was just a message telling me to fuck off, but I didn’t get even that. When I lost my baby at five months I thought for sure you’d at least contact me. When you didn’t, I knew. I loved you more than you ever loved me.” And apparently that was still true. “So now you know what’s wrong Colt. Today was the day I lost my baby and every year I’m a wreck about it, so please leave. If I still have a job I’ll be back on Wednesday.”

“What? I don’t understand,” his voice trailed off but I was too lost in my emotions to hear him. To be aware of anything outside my grief. “Jay goddammit explain. Please.”

I looked his way but could see nothing thanks to my tears. “If you want an explanation Colt you should have read the emails I sent at the time. I don’t have the energy to explain,” I told him and stood, making my way back up to my big comfy bed. I could just collapse onto the pillow top and soon sleep would claim me and I could forget.

Just for a little while.