Kendall
The Bronx Zoo is surprisingly packed as we go from exhibit to exhibit, learning about the different animals. In addition to the regular visitors and tourists, there are several schools here on field trips, causing long lines in the front of each exhibit. Brody's having fun, though, which is what really matters.
This morning he was bummed when he found out we couldn't go to Animal Adventure Park. He had learned all about it in school, but the park is hours away and we don't have a car. Even if we could find an Uber or a taxi to take us, the cost of the fare would be ridiculous. As we got ready for the Bronx Zoo and took public transportation in, his demeanor changed and he started getting excited. He's been here several times with his dad and I love the way his face gets animated when he describes the different animals.
We got lucky because the weather is on our side today. The sun is shining and the wind is mild enough that we don't even need a coat–we only need a sweatshirt. We've seen American Bison and bears, stopped by Tiger Mountain, and watched the beautiful butterflies in the Butterfly Garden. I'm having so much fun with him and communicating is surprisingly not a problem.
I'm happy. It's hard not to be happy when surrounded by God's creatures. I'm having so much fun I even want to check out the World of Reptiles.
Brody taps me on the shoulder and signs that he's hungry. I sign back, "What do you want to eat?" He answers but I don't know what he's trying to tell me. I wish I could learn American Sign Language faster.
When Brody realizes I don't understand he spells it out. Thankfully I know my letters.
P-O-P-C-O-R-N.
After he spells it out he signs again, teaching me the proper sign for popcorn.
"Thank you," I sign back. "Let's find popcorn."
We walk around the zoo, trying to find a stand that sells snacks but it's harder than I thought it would be. When I finally spot popcorn there's already a line of ten people waiting. As we wait in line Brody starts playing a game on his phone so I'm worried he's not having as much fun at the zoo as I am. I want to ask him, but I'm not comfortable signing long sentences yet, so I text him instead.
Me: Are you having fun?
He leaves the game to read my message and I watch him slowly respond.
Brody: Yes. I love animals. I want a dog but Dad says I have 2 wait.
Me: I like dogs, too! My best friend and her husband have a dog. Her name is Kaya. I watch her whenever they go out of town. Next time I have her you can come over and play with her.
Brody: Awesome.
Brody goes back to playing his game as the line slowly moves forward. As I look around us there are kids everywhere and it's hard not to think what it would be like having my own kids. I never really thought about kids before. I think because my parents always treated me like a second thought, I just assumed I would never want kids of my own. I never met a kid I liked. Getting to know Brody these past few months has really opened my eyes. I get to experience things like a kid again and you know what? Kids are cool.
Okay, maybe that's taking it a little too far but Brody is cool.
I'm not saying I want kids of my own. I don't ever think I'll budge on that one, but I wouldn't mind being a part of Brody's life as he grows up. I could see myself taking him to school, dropping him off at a friend’s house, watching him play baseball every weekend and driving him to practice when Levi can't. I understand the responsibilities ahead of me if I'm in this with Levi for the long haul, and I want to take on those responsibilities. I want to be in both of their lives.
When it's finally our turn I order two popcorns and two large sodas. This should hold us over until Levi gets here and the three of us can have a late lunch. I hand the cashier some cash and then turn to give Brody his popcorn, but he's not there. Thinking he might not have realized the line moved, I look back down the line of people but he's not there, either.
Okay, don't panic.
Placing the popcorn under one arm and the sodas under the other, I start looking around at the tables and play area, hoping he just walked off for a minute. I search the groups of children thinking maybe he found someone to play with, but everywhere I look he isn't there. Before I know it, I've abandoned the food and drinks I've just bought and start circling the area like a mad woman.
"Brody!" I yell out. I call out his name several more times, but it's no use. He won't be able to hear my call. He won't know I'm looking for him. I'm freaking out. How could he have wandered off? He was right next to me. I only looked away to order.
A woman approaches me but I can't make out the words she is saying. My head is in a fog. Another woman approaches and she's wearing a zoo uniform. "Ma'am, are you okay?"
"I...can't find him," I stutter, panicked as my eyes continue to search through the crowds for his curly brown hair. Come on, Brody. Where are you? I continue to gaze through the crowd, hoping to spot his light green eyes looking back at me.
"Ma'am, my name is Harmony. I work here and I'd like to help. Who are you looking for?" she asks me as she rests her hands on my shoulders. I loosen from her grip, feeling restricted and like I won't find Brody if she's holding me back.
"Brody. He's my boyfriend's son."
She pulls out her walkie-talkie and alerts other employees about a missing boy. "Ma'am, I need some more information. How old is he? What does he look like? Is he with anyone else? When did you last see him?"
"He's...a...he's eight. He has brown curly hair, and beautiful green eyes–like forest green. He's got an olive complexion with freckles across the bridge of his nose. He's wearing denim jeans and a baseball hoodie...Sanchez! Sanchez is the name on the back of the hoodie."
"Is he with anyone else?"
"No, he's by himself. He was with me in line...I only looked away to order and then he was gone."
"Okay, you're doing great. We'll find him."
"He's deaf," I blurt out frantically. "If you call for him he won't hear you. He probably has no idea I'm looking for him." Pulling out my cellphone I send him a text, hoping to get a response right away.
Me: Where are you?
As soon as I send the text I realize he might not have been aware he wandered off until it was too late. He's only eight. I don't want him to think I'm mad or that he's in trouble so I send two more texts.
Me: If you don't see me don't get worried. You're not in trouble. I just need to find you and make sure you're safe.
Me: Stay where you are and just text me what you see. I'll come to you.
"We'll find him. Don't worry," Harmony says, trying to comfort me. At this point several zoo employees have joined us and Harmony is filling them in. When she's done briefing them she turns back to me. "What's your name, ma'am?"
"Kendall."
"Okay, Kendall. I need you to stay here in case Brody comes back. Chances are he just wandered off and is as worried about finding you as you are about him. We have all the exits to and from the zoo closed. No one will be able to leave until we find him. Just stay here with Naomi. She's been working here for three years and she can help you with whatever you need while you wait."
Harmony leaves me to go look for Brody and I'm having a hard time staying still. It doesn't feel right just standing here when I have no idea where Brody is. I should probably call Levi so he knows what's going on, but I don't want to interrupt him if he's in the middle of testifying.
As I debate what I should do my cell phone rings and Levi's name lights up the screen. "Hello," I answer frantically.
"Hey, babe. I was first to go and got out of court right away. I wanted to surprise you. I'm over by the Fountain Circle. Where are you at?"
The sound of his voice makes the reality of the situation clearer and I can't control my emotions. I begin to sob into the phone and cry out, "Brody's missing."
"What do you mean he's missing?" he asks, eerily calm.
"We were getting popcorn and after I ordered and paid, I turned around and he was gone."
"You lost him!" he yells, and it's the only time Levi has ever raised his voice with me.
"He...he must have walked away." I become more clearheaded with each word as I bury my emotions and focus on the task at hand. We need to find Brody. "We'll find him, Levi. Everyone who works here is looking for him."
"Keep looking and let me know the second you're with him. I'm going to start searching."
He hangs up on me and the worry in his voice has me on edge. Against Harmony’s orders, I leave and start looking for Brody, too. Seconds or minutes go by, I'm not sure. I must see a hundred different boys, but none are Brody. I check the exhibits we've already been to, then run in and out of the souvenir store. He's nowhere to be found.
The worst thoughts try to surface but I push them away, not willing to let my mind go there–unwilling to stop looking.
My phone chimes in my hand and it's a text from Brody.
Oh, thank God.
Brody: I'm sorry, Kendall. I saw the sign 4 Madagascar and had 2 C it up close. I'll come back now.
I immediately reply back.
Me: No, stay there. Don't move. I'll be right there.
I break out in a run, not really sure where the Madagascar exhibit is but taking my direction from instinct. I dial Levi's number as I run but it goes straight to voicemail so I hang up. I want to see Brody. I want to hold him in my arms and know that he's really okay before I get his father's hopes up.
When I reach the Madagascar exhibit, my eyes immediately fall on Brody. He's near the entrance looking calm, like nothing is wrong and he didn't just disappear from me. He's in his father's arms and Levi's holding him in a tight hug. I'm glad to see Levi is with him and I stay back for a few moments. I try to take control of my emotions before they flood out. I've never been so scared in my life. In those few minutes I could have lost him. He could have gotten injured or worse. Much, much worse.
Once I'm no longer on the verge of crying, I run over to them. Brody spots me first and tries to wiggle out of his father's arms. When Levi sees me, he lets Brody go and Brody runs over to me. I sweep him up in a hug and hold him close, never wanting to let him go. "You scared me half to death. I'm so glad you're safe," I whisper over and over to him, aware that he doesn't have a clue what I'm saying. When I finally let go I sign what I can to him, which is basically, "me scared," but he understands and as I look at him deeper I see relief in his eyes. He was scared, too.
"How could you let this happen?" Levi's harsh words bite through the moment. He's glaring at me hard and his jaw is locked tight. He's furious.
"We were getting popcorn and he just walked away," I try to explain.
"He's deaf, Kendall."
"I know that."
"You can't just act like he's any other eight-year-old. Someone could have snatched him and you'd never know. He'd never know you were looking for him." He continues to yell at me and express his anger, and this is one of the only conversations he's had with me in front of Brody that he hasn't signed. He doesn't want Brody to know what he's saying to me.
"I'm sorry, Levi. I really am. I didn't lose him on purpose."
"I know it wasn't intentional, but it still happened. How can I trust you with him when the first time I leave the two of you alone together you lose him? You're at the zoo for Christ's sake. There are wild animals everywhere. Anything could have happened to him."
I bite down on my bottom lip to stop myself from doing what feels natural and defend myself. There's no need to. He's absolutely right. I fucked up and if I were him, I wouldn't be able to trust myself with Brody either.
Brody signs to his dad and Levi's quick to respond. "No, we're leaving. I want to go home."
We thank the zoo workers for their help finding Brody before making it out of the zoo. Instead of taking public transportation back, I get us an Uber and we ride back to Levi's apartment in silence. Brody sits between us and at some point falls asleep with his head on his dad's shoulder. When we get back to the apartment it's still early, but we're all physically and emotionally drained. Today's event is the kind I pray never happens again. I wouldn't be able to handle it.
Levi carries Brody inside. His curly head rests peacefully against his dad's shoulder. "I'm going to put him to bed."
"I'll come with you."
"I think we've had an overwhelming day. Maybe you should go home and we can talk tomorrow."
My stomach drops at his dismissal. He's hurt. I get it, but he doesn't need to be so cold. "Levi, it was an accident. It could happen to anyone."
"Not to me."
His cold features remain and I don't want to leave things like this. "Can I at least say goodnight to him?"
He nods his head before walking down the hall. I follow him and watch as he carefully places Brody down on his bed. The kid is so tired he never even moves. "I'll give you a few minutes with him."
Once Levi is gone I move over to the bed and sit next to where Brody's sleeping. His breathing is slow and steady as I watch his small chest rise up and down. I bring my hand to his face and trace his freckles with my fingers. Then my hand moves to his hair and I comb my fingers through it as I study this little boy I love like he is my own.
"I've never been so scared in my life," I whisper out into the darkness, knowing Brody can't hear me but needing to get the words out anyway. "I never knew I could be that scared for another human before. My mom lost me once when we were in a department store–I was five. Even at five I remember being relieved to have a few minutes away from her. An employee found me playing in one of the dressing rooms and brought me to customer service. They called for my mom over the intercom and it took my mother fifteen minutes to come get me. When she finally showed up she wasn't relieved or scared. She hadn't even been looking for me. She was annoyed she had to stop shopping to come get me.
"That was the type of mother I had. My childhood was filled with adults who never cared for me, and in turn I learned children were a nuisance. As a teenager, I never babysat. I didn't have younger cousins or neighbors to play with. I most certainly never wanted kids of my own. I still don't, but my reasons for not wanting children of my own have changed and I have you to thank for that. In the short time I've known you, Brody, you've opened my eyes and my heart. Every time I talk to you, every time we do something together, my heart grows larger.
"I knew I was falling in love with your father, even before we started dating. I was drawn to him from the moment I met him, and once I got to know him that was it. He's the love of my life.
"When I found out about you I still wanted to be with your father. I just assumed that naturally I'd get to know you and like you. That we'd become friends. I didn't realize until it had already happened that I love you, too. I can't imagine my life without you in it. I know I'm not your mother and I'll never be, but that doesn't change the fact that I will do anything for you.
"When I couldn't find you today, the pain in my heart was overwhelming. Every time a bad thought entered I had to kick it out. I couldn't let myself think that today could have been the last time I'd ever see you. When you texted me, and I knew you were okay, I still didn't feel completely relieved until I saw you with my own eyes. It was only then that I felt like I could breathe again.
"You mean more to me than you'll ever know...and I get it now. I get why your father was so reluctant to date me. Why he's been against bringing women into your life. He's afraid you'll get hurt in this, too. Honestly, I'm afraid of that as well, but one thing he didn't account for is the third person in all of this. Me. I'll be devastated if I lose the two of you. I can't lose you. Today that harsh reality became too real and I never want to feel that pain again."
I continue to comb his curls with my fingers as I study every inch of his face. The moment I leave this room everything will change. I can feel the storm coming and I don't want to face it. I don't want to face whatever it is that Levi wants to say to me because it will hurt too much, and I don't think I can handle the pain.
"I hope you never forget how much I love you, Brody. Today was so scary for your father and me. You can't ever wander away again. You're too important. You're too special. I'm so glad you're home safe."
I lean in and kiss his forehead before standing up and walking toward the door. I glance back once more, trying to memorize as much of him as I can because I'm a very instinctual person. I know whatever is waiting for me on the other side of this door isn't good.