Twenty-seven
Levi
I'm standing on the other side of Brody's closed door and can hear every word she speaks to him. In the few minutes she's in there I experience every emotion I could possibly feel. The most powerful one is love.
I love her.
In these past several months she's meant more to me than I ever wanted her to. I feared this would happen. I feared I would love her so fiercely she'd consume my head and my heart and it would be hard to let her go. Now that fear is a reality and I can picture a life with her by my side. I wish that life was real, but I have to allow myself to feel the pain. I have to let her go before this relationship destroys us all.
This is my fault. I don't blame her. What I've been doing these past few months wasn't fair to any of us. I let Kendall get accustomed to the little world I created for Brody and me. I let her become a part of Brody's life. I let us start to form the makings of a family. At times, it felt like the three of us could beat anything together. It was the three of us against the world.
But she was never really a part of our family and when I found out she lost Brody today, that truth became undeniably real. I no longer thought it was the three of us against the world. My only focus was on Brody. I had to find him. He had to come back to me. Kendall was a part of the world–an outsider. She had become another person I couldn't trust with my son. She let me down. As I replay it all over and over again in my head I know it's not fair to put that all on her. It's not fair to blame her in this. The reasonable side of me knows what happened wasn’t her fault. It was a mistake. But I'm also a father and a father isn't always reasonable. I'm angry and that doesn't just go away because she says she is sorry.
When the door to Brody's room opens a solemn Kendall walks out. We've come to know each other so well and with just one look I sense she knows what's coming. She knows I can't do this anymore. I can't handle any more unknowns.
"I just need to know. Can I stand here and try to explain what happened today or is it over between us?"
I look down to the floor, unable to look at her when I say what I need to. It's a coward move. "It's over, Kendall. I told you my life isn't about me anymore. Every decision I make is about Brody. I've given up everything for him. My friends slowly stopped calling and my family abandoned me, but I got through it. I gave up baseball. At the time, it was my one and only love, and you know what? I've never regretted it even for a moment. I no longer needed baseball. I no longer loved it the way I used to. My priorities changed."
I look up at her and there are tears in her eyes. It breaks my heart that I'm hurting her but I need to continue. I watch her tears and focus on the hurt I'm causing her. I never want to hurt her like this again. I never want to cause her this much pain so I need to finish what I want to say tonight so I only hurt her this once.
"I love you, Kendall. My world is more colorful since you've been in it. You make me happy. You make me feel alive. I've found myself making room for you in every area of my life, including the large part that involves Brody, and now he loves you, too. What I'm only starting to realize tonight is how unfair it was. Somehow I started putting my needs and my love for you first, never considering what this has done to Brody. He loves you. He depends on you. Today, you let him down.
"This will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I'm giving up another thing I love tonight to protect Brody in the future. I'm giving up you."
"If you love me, how can you do this?" she sobs. "I made one mistake, Levi. One! And I'm sick about it. I love that little boy as if he were my own–"
"If that were true you wouldn't have taken your eyes off him. He never would have walked away without you knowing."
"There's a learning curve for all of this, Levi. I'm still new at this. I've never taken care of a kid before Brody. You've been doing this all his life." She starts to wipe the tears from under her eyes, but it's no use–more tears keep falling. "You need to give me another chance. I can't lose you. I can't lose him. You're my world. You're my family."
"If you truly love us then you'll understand why I need to protect him."
"I do love you but I don't understand. I don't understand how you can act like this over one mistake–"
"It's not just the one mistake!" I yell back, and my anger shocks me.
She steps back in surprise. "What do you mean? I've never made a mistake with him before."
She's right. Oh, my God, she's right. My anger and irrationality have nothing to do with today. Okay, maybe they do, but it's just masking what my genuine anger and fear is. In the end, I fear she'll leave us. She'll let us down. What terrifies me the most is knowing my fear will most likely become a reality. Subconsciously I was protecting us from the truth and what is inevitable–from what I know is coming eventually.
"You're right," I agree with her, because she is right. She's been so amazing with him and up until today, she never made one mistake.
"I am?" she questions as she continues to sob. I move in and wrap her in my arms, comforting her with a hug, but that's all this is–comfort. No matter what revelations I've had, our relationship still needs to end tonight.
She cries into my chest and when her tears stop falling I let go, this time treating her with more compassion. She doesn't deserve my wrath. "You're right, Kendall. You've been nothing short of amazing with Brody, but I have to end this now before Brody and I get hurt. The days will hurt at first but eventually we'll get through it. If I wait and let this play out in a few years, it will hurt much worse."
"Let what play out?"
"Our relationship won't last forever, Kendall."
"How could you possibly know that? You can't get rid of me like you got rid of baseball. I'm a person, not a thing."
"Do you want to settle down and get married?" I ask, genuinely interested in her answer, although I already know what it will be.
"Why would you ask me that?"
"It's a simple question, Kendall. Yes or no?"
"Is that what this is about? I'll never pressure you to marry me, Levi."
"I'm not being clear. You're missing the point so let me re-phrase." I try to be more direct and with a calm tone ask her, "Have you ever pictured yourself getting married? If so what did you picture?"
"I don't know," she says confused, as she drags a hand through her long hair. "I guess, sure, there were times I pictured myself possibly getting married one day. It's never been a big dream of mine but when I was younger I pictured myself settling down when I got into my thirties."
"What did you picture?"
"I just told you," she responds frustrated.
"What type of guy did you see as your husband?"
"I don't know! I was a kid at the time. Probably some rich older guy who took care of me. I'd be like a trophy wife. I don't understand why you're asking me this."
"I'm poor, Kendall."
"That's never mattered to me."
"I'll never be able to give you the life that you want."
"You're creating this idea of what you think I want in your head and none of it is true. Who says I want anything other than what you can offer me?"
"That's the thing," I yell, slamming my hand against the wall. "I can't offer you shit! I live paycheck to paycheck. Any extra money I have goes to Brody. Toward the things he needs. Toward his schooling. Toward baseball. I have nothing for you."
"Yeah, right now, but you don't know what the future holds."
"The future holds nothing else for me. I'll be like this forever. I don't have the freedom to try out new jobs or open a business that might fail. I have my son to think about and job security is what's most important. I have security with Forbidden Desires. I'm not going to screw this job up. I'll never leave this company, which means I'll be in security the rest of my life and with security there is only so much I can make."
Raising my hand, I point around the room. "Look around, Kendall. The life I have right now. This is it. You're used to a nicer way of living and I can't give that to you, and I can't make plans with someone who will only leave in the end. I don't blame you. You deserve better."
"I don't know why you're doing this, Levi. You're selling yourself short. You're selling us short. We can make this work. We are making this work and I guess I'm just confused. Everything was going perfectly fine with us until today. I made one mistake and now you're ending it."
"This is no longer about what happened today, Kendall. Everything I'm feeling and saying I've been thinking for a while. It just took today for it to come to the surface. You're a wonderful woman–"
"Oh, my God, stop. Don't patronize me."
I cup her face with my hands and when her eyes connect with mine I continue, "I'm not patronizing you. It's true. You're fucking amazing, Kendall. You're going to make some guy feel like a million bucks one day. I know that because it's how you make me feel. A long time ago I gave up everything for a little boy who became my world. That can't change now. I need to give you up, too."
More tears fall down her cheeks and if there was any part of my heart left that wasn't shattered, it is now. Her lower lip trembles and she steps away, wiping her eyes of her shed tears. "So this is it. We're done and you're ending this with no regrets."
"I have regrets and I'm sure I'll have more and more every day that goes by, but this is the right decision, Kendall. You'll understand one day."
I wait for what she has to say next, but it doesn't come. Without another word she walks out my apartment door and out of my life just as fast as the day she entered it.
And she takes my heart with her.