Apparently Starbucks is a place where anything and everything can happen. I’d just been sitting here minding my own business when this lovely creature approached me and essentially asked me to be her fake boyfriend.

 

Thirty minutes until my audition, I’d been thinking. Until then, though, I might as well just sip my drink.

 

I show up at this Starbucks as often as I can, to play the role of working here as a barista. I even dress in a uniform my friend Aaron gave me. He actually used to work at a different Starbucks and quit after a row with the manager. He’d walked off the job still wearing the uniform and hadn’t ever bothered returning it.

 

The real baristas don’t allow me to stand behind the counter to see what it’s like to be a real Starbucks employee, and they even laughed at my request. As if it’s really that fucking ridiculous. I’ve heard of many method actors going to the type of establishment their character works at to see what it’s like.

 

I figure I’m no Christian Bale, but if my character is a Starbucks barista, I should know what it’s like firsthand. But since my opportunity to becoming truly method was shot down, I was left today as always with the option of just ordering a drink and sitting down alone to recite my lines.

 

Unlike Aaron (who was only down with the plan because he hoped it would further piss off Starbucks), my brother James wasn’t too supportive of this endeavor. He’s not too supportive of my plans for acting in general, but, more specifically, he’s against asking Starbucks employees to let me “intrude.”

 

It’s not intruding, I tell him. They're helping. And I was going to pay them for their time. But he still acted as if I was crazy. Alas, the life of an actor is full of hardship.

 

I sip on my hot green tea as I focus on the lines I’ll be reading in half an hour. I close my eyes and try to empty my mind but the din of the coffee shop is distracting, and when I next open them, they land on a pale beauty. I was dead set on focusing on my imminent audition, but seeing this American temptress stopped my train of thought immediately.

 

The second my eyes landed on her, she looked at me like some wild animal trapped in a cage. And then she started walking right towards my table.

 

As far as I know, I don’t have any psychic abilities, but my first thought when I saw her was, “I’d love to have her come over here, straddle me, and ride my cock in public.”

 

Sure, it’d be illegal but there’s something about public fucking that’s so tempting. And here I have a gorgeous lass completing the first part of that fantasy: coming over to me. I loved to watch her petite, curvy frame as she walked up to me, and her curly hair bouncing just like her plump ass.

 

Sadly, instead of straddling me, she pulled up a chair and sat down, looking very frazzled. Her light brown, slightly mixed with green, eyes nearly matched her light brown hair, and they made a lovely contrast with her pale skin, even though they looked very concerned right now.

 

I wanted to say, “Hello, love, how about we leave this cafe and hop to my place?” but I was so overcome with her curvy beauty and so surprised by the fact that she was walking up to me that all that came out of my mouth was a stuttering, “Oh, uh, well hello there.”

 

Hopefully that’s not foreshadowing how my audition will go. The one I have today is for a minor role, but soon I have the role of barista coming up, which I’ve obviously been studying hard for. I need to be on top of my game for both of them, even though I care a lot more about the barista role than the grocery store clerk role I’ll be auditioning for after this.

 

When she introduced herself as Hazel, I thought her parents had made the perfect name choice since it matched her beautiful eyes. And when she asked me to play along with her little role play game, I was completely on board even though I wasn’t sure what she was even asking me to play along with— and even though I didn’t have time to play along with something that would take very long. I wanted to help her out with whatever problem she’s having but there was no fucking way I was missing out on my biggest opportunity since arriving in New York.

 

I asked Hazel how long this will take, but she didn’t answer me. She was much too focused on one full-bodied blonde strutting towards us with quite a mischievous smile slapped on her face. Although this blonde wasn’t as attractive as Hazel, I suppose some would find her attractive, although her appearance was overshadowed by her unfiltered cruelty towards sweet Hazel.

 

Not a single clue was given to me as to how I was supposed to play along to this situation but the melancholy and tensed look on Hazel told me everything. Therefore, I played the part beautifully, if I do say so myself. Someone should nominate me for an Oscar for the role.

 

I was nothing but cold towards this lady. And she had nothing on her agenda but tearing down Hazel and I was not about to give this woman, who calls herself Brittany, any of the attention she so desperately craved. She seemed to be into me, even though she was with someone else.

 

What a dramatic situation to be in. The dilemmas one finds oneself in at Starbucks! Once I gave Brittany enough of a cold shoulder, she eased off and scampered back to the guy I presume is her boyfriend, despite her attempt at wooing me.

 

Then Hazel not only thanked me, but complimented my skills as an actor. She may not have straddled me, but surely, she was after my heart. This might go down as my absolute favorite meeting of a new person.

 

I hate small talk and that awkward stage of meeting someone new, so being thrust into a situation in which I not only help someone but get to practice my improv abilities is my dream first interaction. Luck is on my side today, surely.

 

Now, I turn back around to see the she-demon returning to our table, this time with her boy toy in tow. I can’t help but sigh, since her constant presence is annoying and I have to leave soon.

 

“So, Hazel,” she starts, “Little birdies say you’ve been purposefully avoiding me at work. That’s not true, is it?”

 

Hazel avoids Brittany’s gaze and looks down at her hands.

 

“Well, I’m sorry about anything I’ve done to you, but the past is the past. I’m happy with Scott and your happy with, uh…” Brittany looks to me.

 

“Liam,” I finally confess. I could have used a fake name, but I don’t want to have to remember a pseudonym if this goes on any longer.

 

Hazel finally speaks, very confidently, I might add. “Yes, Brittany, you’re right. I’m very happy with Liam.”

 

Brittany is taken aback by Hazel’s sudden burst of confidence before reverting back to her fake smile.

 

“How could you not be? You finally got over me fucking your boyfriend and now, here you are with this tall drink of water. Didn’t know you were into older men,” she says slyly as she cranes her head back to me. “Or is this your cousin or something?”

 

I am amazed that someone can be so outwardly fucking cruel to someone. Hazel has sat here as cordial as ever while Brittany acts like some high school movie bully. I won’t just sit here idly while this innocent girl gets bashed relentlessly.

 

“Cousin,” I shout with a hearty laugh. “Why that’d be a bit gross, considering we’re engaged. Your buddy Hazel there is my bride to be.”

 

Hazel’s beautiful brown eyes widen after I say this. When I look up, I see that both Brittany and her boy toy are equally as shocked. This astounding news hit everyone pretty hard, including me right after I realize what I’d said. I must have gotten really into the role and those words just tumbled out But I keep my cool. ‘Cause I’m an actor, baby. And I’m acting the shit out of this part, and having fun while doing it.