CHAPTER 17
Ben and Erin couldn’t get a flight home until after the funeral so Cate stayed at their house to look after Monty.
The night of the funeral, Cate was just about to go upstairs to bed when she heard a knock at the front door. When she opened it, Kian was stood there. He was still wearing his shirt and suit from the funeral but had loosened his tie.
“Will you stay with me?” He asked and at that moment Cate would have done anything for him. He looked so utterly broken.
Cate grabbed her keys and followed him across the courtyard to his house. Kian got them both bottles of beer and they sat in the porch at the back of the house, staring out at the uninterrupted blackness.
She didn’t like beer but she took small sips to keep him company. The foul taste burned the back of her throat.
Cate didn’t know what to say to him. The funeral had been tough; it had felt like the whole congregation was made up of zombies with hollow souls and dead eyes. She’d always thought of funerals as being filled with sadness but this one wasn’t, it was filled with nothing. The vicar spoke but nobody listened. All they could see was that rectangular, wooden box mounted on the plinth at the front of the church. A large framed photograph of Eamon full of life was on an easel to one side. It was hard to reconcile that the man in the photograph was now in the wooden box.
Kian reached for her hand and held it in his own and if he squeezed it a little bit too hard and hurt, Cate didn’t tell him.
“I’m tired,” he said, finishing the last of his beer.
Cate took the bottles and went to put them in the recycling bin.
Kian waited for her by the door and took hold of her hand again, leading them upstairs. Cate couldn’t help but think of the last time she’d gone up those stairs. It felt like eons had passed since then, not just a week.
In his bedroom, Kian took off his shoes and lay back on the bed. Cate wasn’t sure what he wanted so she did the same.
She thought back to the funeral again. “Danny Boy” had been played at the end as the curtain was pulled across, separating them all from Eamon one last time. He’d loved that song and now Cate couldn’t get it out of her head.
As they’d walked out of the church into the betrayal of sunshine, Jean was surrounded by Eamon’s sisters who’d come over from Ireland. Sinead followed behind, leaning heavily on Jake. Then Kian followed after them, all alone. Ben was still stuck trying to get an earlier flight back from Bangkok. Kian’s Rovers teammates and manager showed up and offered their condolences but it wasn’t the same. Nobody was there just for him. Cate couldn’t look at him because it nearly broke her heart to see him like that. She wanted to take him in her arms and let him cry. He hadn’t cried at all since it happened; Jean said she was worried about him.
Kian pulled her towards him on the bed and kissed her. It felt like she could taste his sadness.
Cate let Kian manoeuvre her on to her back. He needs me, she thought. She would do anything to make him feel better. When his hands went up her skirt, she didn’t slap them away. He inched her tights down her thighs. He needs this, she repeated, he needs me. She told herself that she was ready. He pulled down her panties and pushed apart her legs and she closed her eyes and waited for him.
When he entered her, it hurt a lot more than she thought it would. She bit her lip so hard she could taste blood. He didn’t seem to notice. He didn’t kiss her; there was no tenderness, or any of the other things he’d promised for her first time. She stole a glance at him and he wasn’t even looking at her. She bit down harder on her lip, determined not to cry. He was just staring straight ahead at the headboard, which knocked rhythmically against the wall.
It was only then that she realised that it wasn’t her body that he needed tonight, it was anybody. She could have been anyone. He groaned and fell on top of her. She felt the full weight of his body on top of hers. I’m not a virgin anymore.
Suddenly, as if she’d said those words out loud, Kian opened his eyes and looked down at her. Cate felt herself shrink. Nobody had ever looked at her like that before. His eyes were full of horrible, hateful things like regret, shame and disgust. He was still inside her, pinning her to the bed and “Danny Boy” was still playing in her head. She couldn’t breathe.
Kian rolled over on to his back and covered his face with his hands, as if he couldn’t bear to even look at her. She tried to breathe again but although he was no longer on top of her, it still felt like there was a huge weight pressing down on her chest.
Cate quickly pulled up her panties and tights and pulled down her dress. She couldn’t get away from there fast enough. She didn’t stop to put on her shoes even though it was raining heavily outside. She ran down the stairs, out the front door and across the courtyard to Ben and Erin’s house. By the time she got there, she had gravel embedded in her feet and she was dripping wet.
“I’ll hurt you,” Kian’s words rang in her ears. She hadn’t believed him.
She sat on the floor in the hallway and Monty came and nuzzled up against her, as if he sensed that she needed a friend. Cate shooed him away at first. She was disgusting and shameful; she didn’t deserve Monty’s kindness. But he wouldn’t go. Even when she shooed him away, he kept coming back to her side and as the tears ran freely down her cheeks; he licked at them as if by doing that he could stop them from falling. Only his kindness made her cry even more. She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his soft, silky fur. Cate cried until there were no more tears left.
As the front door slammed closed, Kian got up and flung the duvet to the floor. His eyes were drawn to a stain on the sheet. He looked down and saw that it was blood. Fuck. That was her first time. He’d taken her virginity like it was nothing.
He ran downstairs and across the courtyard in his bare feet. He pressed the palms of his hands and his forehead on the cold metal of the front door. He could hear her crying on the other side.
“I’m so sorry,” he mouthed silently.
As Cate stood up to get a glass of water for her hoarse throat, she felt his… stuff trickling down her thigh. Ugh, she forgot about the water and went straight upstairs to the bathroom. She needed a shower right now. As she waited impatiently for the water to heat up, she could still feel his stuff slippery and wet on her thigh. She grabbed a piece of tissue paper and wiped away what she could. But she couldn’t get rid of the film of disgust Kian had covered her with. She took off all of her clothes and underwear, put them in a plastic bag, tied it up tightly and shoved it in her suitcase. The following morning, she would go to the local refuse plant and throw them in the tip. She never, ever wanted to see them again.
Cate climbed into the shower and the water was so hot it felt like her skin was being set on fire. She closed her eyes and tried to enjoy the pain, imagining her old, disgusting skin being burnt off her body and the new fresh, clean skin underneath. But with her eyes closed, all she could see was that look in his eyes. She would never forget it. It didn’t matter how many layers of skin she took off, she would never be able to forget the way he’d looked at her. Like he was sorry she’d ever been born.
That night, with her skin an angry red colour and stinging from the hot water, Cate let Monty sleep on the bed with her. He wasn’t allowed on any of the beds but Cate couldn’t bear to be alone. How could she still feel his disgust on her body, even after she’d showered?
The following morning, Cate was woken up by the sound of the front door being unlocked. For a moment, she thought it was Kian but she soon heard Erin’s voice. “Cate?”
At the sound of his mistress’s voice, Monty quickly jumped down off the bed and ran to find her.
Cate quickly wiped under her eyes, in case they were still wet. “In here,” she called back.
Erin knocked on the door and then popped her head around. “Are you okay? It’s taken forever to get back.”
Cate started to get up, “me? I’m fine.”
“Ben went straight across to see Kian. How is he?”
“I don’t know,” Cate shrugged. She grabbed some clothes from her suitcase. “I’d better go.”
“You don’t have to rush off,” Erin said.
“No, it’s fine. I should really check on Sinead.”
“Okay,” Erin looked doubtful. “I’ll let you get changed then. Monty, come on.”
Cate got dressed as quickly as possible and packed up her belongings. She wanted to get out of there.
When she went downstairs, Erin was on the lounge floor, going through her suitcase. “I’m going to go,” Cate said.
“Wait,” Erin said, “damn it, we got you something, to say thank you for looking after Monty and the house but I can’t find it.”
Cate kept looking at the front door, she was desperate to leave. “That’s so kind but don’t worry about it now, you can always give it to me later.”
“Okay,” Erin sounded disappointed. “Are you sure you don’t want some breakfast before you go.”
“Honestly,” Cate gave her a hug, “I’m fine, you’ve had a long flight.”
But Cate didn’t go home. Instead she drove to the college library. Walking through the doors, she felt a huge sense of relief. Surrounded by all those shelves of books, she felt comfortable. This was something she knew how to do.