CHAPTER 9
When Cate got home from college the following afternoon, she was in a major funk. She hadn’t slept much the night before and it had taken countless cups of coffee just to get through her classes today.
She’d also realised this morning that she’d spent so much time thinking about he who shall not be named that she’d completely fallen behind in her revision schedule. She’d have to study all weekend just to try and catch up. Ha, it’s not like you’ve got any other exciting plans!
Scowling, she grabbed a bottle of water and a granola bar from the kitchen and trudged upstairs. She figured she might as well take advantage of the serious caffeine buzz she had going and make a start catching up on her revision.
When she got to the bottom of the stairs leading up to her bedroom, the door was wide open, which was strange because she always closed it on her way out. That could only mean that somebody was up there. Seriously, Cate looked up at the ceiling; I’m so not in the mood for this.
Last night, when she couldn’t sleep, she’d thought about making a voodoo doll of Kian but she didn’t have enough sharp pins so she’d settled for making the angriest playlist ever. She put one of the buds in her ear and hit play on Kelis, “I hate you so much right now.”
When she got upstairs to her bedroom, she was shocked to find Irene stood just inside her wardrobe, looking at her books. Cate quickly turned off her iPod. “Mum, what are you doing in here?”
Her Mum was still focused on the bookshelves, crammed with all of her favourite Book Boyfriends. She’d hidden them in her wardrobe because she knew her Mum didn’t approve of them.
“Don’t fall into the trap of believing life is like these books,” Irene said. “It doesn’t matter whether it’s Prince Charming or Christian Grey – they aren’t real.”
“I know,” Cate shifted awkwardly. She wanted to get her Mum out of her wardrobe and fast. “I’m not stupid.”
Irene turned to face Cate; she took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. She looked tired. “I know you’re not stupid, sweetheart but sometimes even the smartest people do the dumbest things.”
Irene sat down on the carpet, bringing her knees up to her chest. “I met him my first week at university. I’d only just moved to Manchester and I didn’t know anybody. To make some extra cash, I got a job pulling pints at The Kicker on Friday and Saturday nights. He was the first customer I ever served.” Irene smiled ruefully. “I was so nervous; I spilled his drink all down his crisp, white shirt. I thought for sure he’d complain and get me sacked but he just smiled; he had this beautiful smile that lit up his whole face. Ben’s got the same smile.”
Cate struggled to get to her feet; she could feel bile rising up the back of her throat. Her Mum never talked about him, The Sperm Donor, an arrangement that Cate was completely OK with. “I don’t want to hear this.”
Irene put a firm hand on Cate’s arm, stopping her from getting up. “You need to. You’re at an age now where you’re going to start having boyfriends.”
Cate flushed with embarrassment. “Seriously Mum, stop. Remy already gave me the sex talk.”
“That’s good to know but I’m not talking about sex,” Irene said. “I’m talking about love, or the illusion of it; that’s far more dangerous. You’re a smart girl, Cate and you’ve got such a bright future ahead of you. Your Dad…”
“Don’t call him that,” Cate snapped angrily. “He’s not, never has been and never will be my Dad.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry,” Irene said. “It’s just… these books; they scare me.”
Cate didn’t understand, “they’re just words on a page.”
Irene took a deep breath. “I’m not doing a very good job of explaining myself, am I? This is why I delegated all the big talks to Remy, she’s much better at this stuff than I am. I just want you to be careful, guard that beautiful, big heart of yours as much as you can.”
It’s too late, Cate thought, feeling the dull ache in her chest. “Mum, you don’t have to worry so much,” she patted Irene’s shoulder. “There’s nobody to guard my heart against, nobody wants it.”
“They will,” Irene looked at her youngest daughter. “Sweetheart, I wish you could see what I see.”
“Yeah, right,” Cate scoffed. “You have to say that because you’re my Mum.”
“I’d much rather you were completely repulsive to the opposite sex, believe me. It would make my life so much easier.”
On Sunday afternoon, Cate felt like an addict anxiously craving a fix. Kian’s match was on TV. She sat in the corner of the empty basement with her textbooks open on the desk in front of her but her eyes kept being drawn to the blank screen of the TV. Just a minute, she bargained, just to see if he’s playing. No, she admonished, snapping the rubber band which was wrapped around her wrist. It sprang back hard against her skin, making her eyes water a little. You won’t be happy with just a minute, you’ll want more.
You’re not That Girl, Cate told herself. You’re better than that.
She gathered up her textbooks and trudged upstairs to her bedroom, away from temptation.
As she passed by Liv’s bedroom door, she could hear her sister on the phone with Ryan. They’d broken up again. “Please,” Liv sobbed. Her voice was so desperate. “Talk to me. Tell me what you want. I’ll do anything...”
The following Thursday, Kian was in a foul mood. After training, he sped away from the ground, refusing to stop for the small cluster of autograph-hunters just outside the gates. He knew it was a shitty thing to do, there weren’t that many of them, it would have taken five minutes max but he just couldn’t trust himself to be nice. Everything was pissing him off. Bob, the kit manager had given him somebody else’s training shorts by mistake and he’d had to really bite his tongue, count to 10 and think about what his Mum and Dad would say just to stop himself from tearing into the poor bastard.
Even now, he flexed his fingers around the steering wheel; his fists felt like they were itching to hit something.
“What the fuck’s up with you today?” Yoakey had asked, as they’d trudged back towards the changing rooms.
“Nothing,” Kian bit out. Why couldn’t people just leave him the fuck alone?
“Is this about that girl you’ve been hooking up with?” Yoakey grinned like it was a big joke.
Kian grabbed Yoakey by the collar and shoved him up against the wall. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Yoakey’s smile disappeared. “Fuck you man. Alice said you were hooking up with some Mystery Girl, that’s all.”
“Well, I’m not, okay,” Kian shoved Yoakey one more time before letting him go. “Alice doesn’t know shit.”
For some reason, he found himself drawn to Mill Lake. It felt strange being here without Cate. He parked by the boarded-up café – it was only open in summer – and bought an all-day ticket. Maybe, this is what I need, he thought, flexing his fingers again. They didn’t feel as tight.
It was cold but dry so he shrugged on his leather jacket and headed towards the lake. There were a couple of fishermen on the same side of the lake as the café so he chose the path at the other side. The ducks had obviously decided that there was no food on offer here so they’d gone somewhere else.
A cold breeze swept across the lake so he dug his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Inside his pocket was a paper napkin. Kian pulled it out and opened it up; it was from the Hilton in Manchester.
He crumpled it up into a ball, feeling the tension in his body increase again. Fucking Valentine’s Day, it all stemmed from that.
He’d spent the afternoon trying not to think about Cate. Somehow he’d ended up in the bar at the Hilton drinking by himself, looking like a sad fucker. His Dad’s words kept ringing in his ears. “You’ll break her heart.”
As much as he wanted to deny it, he knew his Dad was right.
He never should have kissed her like that on Christmas Eve. She wasn’t ready; she was too young. Maybe if he’d left it a couple of years…
He’d thought he could wait for her. But then she’d walked down the stairs in that lacy, black dress, looking all grown-up.
She’d chewed on her bottom lip and Kian couldn’t help but wonder what it would feel like to kiss her, how she’d taste.
He’d watched as his sister nudged Cate towards the makeshift bar at the back of the room. His eyes had trailed lazily down her body. Her dress dipped low at the back, giving him a glimpse of her bare skin.
His mind had been awash with fantasies. He’d pictured her, first thing in the morning, lying on her front in his bed. He’d gently brush her glossy, black hair to one side and push the duvet down to just above her bottom. He’d wake her up by trailing his lips down her spine, feeling her gently tremble underneath him.
He’d imagined walking in on her, stood at his kitchen counter, with her hair piled up in a messy topknot. She’d be dressed in one of his white shirts; it would be much too big for her slender frame, the hem dropping down to mid-thigh, giving him just a teasing glimpse of those long, coltish legs, and she’d have to roll up the sleeves. He’d come up behind her and while his hands explored the nip of her waist and flare of her hips, he’d kiss that spot just below her ear.
His cock stirred to life as he appreciated the roundness of her bottom, perfectly shown off by the form-fitting dress.
“Did you even hear a damn word I just said?” Nicole had whacked him hard on the arm.
When he’d turned back around, Cate had disappeared.
He’d gone outside to see if she was there but Nicole had followed him, determined to pick a fight.
Eventually he’d found Cate alone in the darkness, she was shivering and she wasn’t wearing any shoes.
He’d sat down beside her on the wall and for the first time in ages, he hadn’t known what to do. He hadn’t had to woo a woman in… fuck, it felt like forever. Usually all he had to do was arch an eyebrow and they dropped their panties for him.
Then his sister told that asshole that Cate had never been kissed before. Kian just knew he had to be her first. The thought of her kissing that guy, any guy, made him act without thinking.
Suddenly, the soft, warm body that he’d fantasised about was pressed between him and the wall. He could feel her breasts rubbing gently against the hard planes of his chest. He’d pushed his hands through her silky black hair, tilting her head back. She’d submitted to him so easily. Her lips were soft and pink. He’d slid his tongue inside her warm, wet mouth. God, she’d tasted better than he’d ever imagined.
He’d kissed another woman on Valentine’s Day. He couldn’t even remember her name. She’d had black hair like Cate’s and was in Manchester for a business meeting; it was Valentine’s Day and she was missing her boyfriend. After a couple of drinks, she’d whispered in his ear that she was going to bed, she had a room at the Hilton, and she’d very much like it if he came with her.
“You’ll break her heart.”
He’d thought that he could still do it. This nameless woman wanted one night from him. He’d followed her into the lift and when it was empty, she’d kissed him. He’d tried to get into it but all he could think about was Cate.
“You’re not into this anymore, are you?” The nameless woman had asked him.
Kian had shaken his head, “maybe I’ve had too much to drink.”
“It’s okay,” she’d said, straightening her clothes. “Damn, I wish my boyfriend was here.”
There was somebody sat on one of the benches a little further up the path. It was Cate. She was so engrossed in her book, she didn’t realise he was there. He stopped and watched her for a minute. She was nibbling on her bottom lip just as she’d done on Christmas Eve.
She heard the grass crunch underneath his feet and looked up quickly. When she saw it was him, her eyes blazed with anger. “What are you doing here?” Cate snapped.
“Can we talk?” A few strands of inky black hair blew across her eyes. He shoved his hands deeper into his pockets, fighting the urge to reach out and touch her.
Cate knew what he was going to say. He didn’t want to see her anymore. She turned her back on him and blinked really fast to try and get rid of the tears that were stinging her eyes.
Kian could tell that she was upset and he hated himself. “You’ll break her heart.” But what if his Dad was wrong, what if he didn’t break Cate’s heart, what if she was different from all the other girls?
When she was confident that she wouldn’t start crying again, she turned back to face him. “Please Kian, just go away.”
Kian sat down next to her on the bench. He seemed hell-bent on having this conversation. Wasn’t it bad enough that he’d stood her up on Valentine’s Day? He didn’t want to be with her anymore. Cate had got the message loud and clear when she’d waited for him for two hours in the freezing cold. She didn’t need a post-mortem; talking about it wouldn’t make it hurt any less.
She felt tears pricking at the corners of her eyes again and was damned if she was going to let him see how much he’d upset her. She shoved her book back in her bag and went to get up from the bench. Why couldn’t he just leave her alone?
Kian put a hand on her arm. “I’m sorry.”
He couldn’t let her walk away. Despite what his Dad had said, he wanted to be different for Cate.
Cate looked across at him. He did look genuinely sorry. Ugh, she cursed herself, why can’t I stay angry with him?
She sat back down on the bench. Kian kept hold of her wrist. She was still wearing the elastic band and underneath it, her skin was all cut up after she’d snapped it too many times. As if he knew why she was wearing it, he lifted it up and gently tugged it off her hand. He tossed it to the floor and lifted up her bare wrist, kissing the angry red lines as if he could make them disappear.
Then he took her hand inside his own, as if he wanted to protect it from any more pain, fingers interlocked, palms pressed tightly together.
“I’m not your boyfriend.”
“I never said you were.”
“You bought me a Valentine’s Day card.”
“I didn’t,” Cate stammered. “How did you know about that?”
“Sinead; she didn’t know it was for me,” Kian turned so that he was facing her. A breeze blew between them and he reached up and brushed her hair away from her face. “It was sweet of you to do that.”
She tried to pull away; this was the conversation she’d been dreading. But he held firmly on to her hand.
“Don’t worry, I haven’t still got it. I ripped it up and threw it in the bin when you didn’t show up.”
“Good,” Kian said, looking down at the ground. “You shouldn’t get involved with me, I’ll hurt you.”
“I don’t think you would,” Cate said honestly.
“I would,” Kian said bitterly. “If you don’t believe me, it’s all there on the internet. Google it.”
Cate moved her bag from between them to the other side of the bench. “I don’t need to Google anything. I’m not some girl you picked up at a nightclub, I know you. I’ve known you my whole life and I trust you. You won’t hurt me.”
Kian met her eyes for a second. She was giving him something so precious, her trust. He didn’t feel worthy. “That’s my point. You’re not some girl I picked up at a nightclub. If I fuck this up, it will have ramifications not just for us but for our families as well. Your brother is my best friend.”
“So don’t mess up then.”
Kian threw his head back and laughed. He pulled her up on to his lap and wrapped an arm around her waist. “If only it was as easy as that.”
Cate reached up and held his face in her hands, his stubble rough against her fingers. She brushed her lips against his, enjoying the way his grip on her waist tightened. “It can be, if you want it to be.”
Kian wanted so badly to believe that were true. He slid his hands inside her denim jacket and held her against his chest. He could feel her beautiful, big heart beating hard against his skin. As much as he’d tried to fight it, he needed Cate. He needed to hold her body against him, to taste the softness of her skin and smell her blackberry shampoo. “I missed you,” he said, muffling his voice in her shoulder.