CHAPTER 36
A couple of hours later, when Cate woke up, she could still feel anger like poison coursing through her veins. She was angry at everybody and everything; Nick for putting her in this position; Kian for giving her the ultimatum and herself for giving in so easily. She shouldn’t have done that – faced with Kian’s angry ultimatum, with the prospect that she might lose him, she’d wilted like cheap flowers.
She stomped into the bathroom and ran the shower so hot; she could barely stand underneath it. She wanted to punish herself for being so weak. Afterwards, with her skin feeling tight and sore, she got dressed in her softest clothes; a black fleece jumper and black yoga pants.
Her anger had receded just enough that she was able to think clearly. A kernel of an idea came to her. She grabbed a notebook and pen and settled on the daybed in the back porch. It was the perfect place because from there, she had an uninterrupted view of the fields and hills. That’s what I want my future to be, Cate looked at the wide open space. She felt the baby moving about inside of her and reached down to rub her bump. That’s what I want our future to be.
She opened up her notebook and took the lid off her pen. “To-Do List.” Cate wrote at the top in big, black letters. She felt more inspired than she had in months.
Paddle in the Pacific Ocean.
Dye my hair purple.
I want to know what it’s like to be loved.
Cate felt a bloody slash across her heart. Why couldn’t Kian just say those three little words to her? She quickly crossed it out. She couldn’t control other people, only herself.
I want to get a tattoo.
I want to be a good Mum to this baby.
I want to go to university and get a degree.
Ooh, Cate smiled, looking at the hills. I want to go zorbing; that looks like so much fun.
I want to have a go on one of those mechanical bulls.
I want to run a marathon.
Once she started writing things down, she couldn’t stop.
I want to find my Dad. Again, Cate quickly crossed that one out. She couldn’t go there.
I want to learn how to tango.
As she was scribbling away, her phone started bouncing around on the daybed.
“Hey,” Lauren said chirpily. “You got any plans for today?”
Cate frowned. “Have you spoken to Kian?”
“Not since…” Cate could hear Lauren tapping her fingernails. “Three weeks ago, I think. Why?”
“No reason,” Cate said quickly. “I thought you were in Vegas this week?”
“Nah, there was a mix-up with the rosters,” Lauren said. “I’ve got a couple of days off. “Do you want to grab some lunch?”
“Yeah, that’d be great,” Cate replied.
Lauren had a couple of things to do first so they arranged to meet at Blonde, a beauty salon. Cate hated those kinds of places; they made her feel incredibly intimidated. Unfortunately, when she got there, Lauren was still sat on one of the black leather couches at the front of the salon, flicking through Vogue.
“Tasha’s running late,” Lauren explained as Cate sat down.
A couple of minutes later, Tasha took Lauren into one of the rooms. Cate flicked through the magazine Lauren had left behind.
As Lauren came out, the receptionist told Tasha that her next appointment had cancelled last-minute.
“Bloody hell,” Tasha frowned. “Sure I can’t sweet-talk you into anything else?” Tasha asked Lauren. “I hate having free time.”
“Sorry,” Lauren smiled, patting her on the shoulder. “You’ve waxed every part of me that needs it.”
“What about you?” Tasha said, turning to Cate.
Cate thought about the To Do List she’d left at home. “Actually,” she stood up quickly, before she changed her mind. “That would be great.”
After they’d finished up at Blonde, Cate and Lauren walked to Spinningfields to check out the ice rink and the Christmas markets. “I can smell snow,” Lauren said, wrinkling her nose as they queued up for Gluhwein.
Cate laughed, “maybe we’ll have a white Christmas this year, after all?”
They bought their drinks and stood at the side of the rink, watching the skaters.
“Have you ever ice skated?” Cate asked, sipping her non-alcoholic Gluhwein. “Mm, that’s good.”
“Once,” Lauren scowled. “It was at the Rockefeller Centre in New York. It was my first trip and the crew I was with said I had to do it. Of course, me being me, I managed to get halfway around before I fell over, took five people down with me and sprained my bloody ankle.”
“Don’t make me laugh,” Cate giggled. “Ouch.”
“How’s it feeling?” Lauren winked.
This time it was Cate’s turn to scowl. “Sore. You could have warned me it was going to hurt that much!”
“I’ve done it so many times; it hardly hurts at all now.”
“Thanks,” Cate stuck out her tongue. “It’s hot too. If there weren’t so many people around, I’d go and sit on that rink.”
“Poor baby,” Lauren cooed. “My little Brazilian virgin. You’ll have to ice it when you get home.”
“Oh yeah, I can just imagine Kian’s face if he comes home and I’ve got a pack of frozen peas on my hoo-hah.”
“What’s that frown for?” Lauren asked. “Everything okay with you two?”
Cate tried to brush it off. “You’re nosy, aren’t you?”
“Yep,” Lauren smiled. “That’s what makes me such a good friend. Come on, spill.”
“It’s silly,” Cate started. She gave Lauren the PG version of what had happened last night and this morning.
“Huh,” Lauren said after she’d finished.
“I told you it was silly,” Cate shrugged, taking another sip of her drink.
“You’re not going to like this but I can kind of see where Kian was coming from, you know? I take it you’ve never told him why having a job is so important to you?”
Cate shook her head.
“So all he knows is that this guy, Nick kissed you last night…”
“I pushed him away.”
“Then the next morning, you want to work with him again?”
“I told him that I don’t have feelings for Nick though, shouldn’t that be enough?”
“You need to tell him what’s really going on. He’s a bloke; he needs things spelling out for him.”
“He gave me an ultimatum, Lauren?” Cate frowned.
“Don’t get me wrong, that’s a very shitty thing to do. Put yourself in his shoes though, if he told you another girl had tried to kiss him.”
“I’d want to kill her,” Cate said, surprising herself with the amount of venom in her voice.
“Then supposing the next morning, he said oh yeah by the way I’m going to spend the day with the same girl.”
“I guess,” Cate said.
“It’s a learning curve, hon. Neither of you have been in a relationship, never mind a marriage before. Be mad at him about the ultimatum, I back you 100% on that. But try and tell him how you feel too.”
Cate’s phone pinged to let her know she had an e-mail. “Ugh,” Cate said. “I hate this phone. I’ve had it for months and I still don’t know how to open e-mails.”
Lauren laughed. “Let me have a look.”
Lauren worked her magic and then passed the phone back to Cate. As the phone passed between them, a photo loaded up on the screen.
Cate felt the rest of the world drop away. On her phone was a photo of Kian kissing Alice Devereux.
“Cate?” Lauren said softly. She must have seen the photo. “Let’s sit down for a minute.” She put a hand on Cate’s arm and guided her to an empty table away from the rink.
Cate couldn’t take her eyes off the photo.
“It could be from ages ago,” Lauren tried to reason.
Cate shook her head. “It’s from last night. The team all got new club ties to wear to that function last night. He’s wearing it in the photo.”
“What can I do?” Lauren asked.
Cate thought about Kian’s words from this morning. “A kiss is the most intimate thing two people can do together.”
He’d said that knowing that he’d kissed Alice Devereux last night.
“I need to go home,” Cate said, suddenly realising where she was. She badly wanted to cry but she wasn’t going to do that in public. Hot tears were poking at the corners of her eyes but she wouldn’t let them fall. She reached up and quickly brushed them away, plastering a fake smile across her face. She switched her phone off and tossed it into the depths of her handbag.
“Do you want me to come with you?” Lauren looked concerned.
“No, really, I’m fine,” Cate tried to sound strong. She needed more than anything to be alone.
As she got up from the table, Lauren put a hand on her arm. “Text me when you get home, OK?”
“I will,” Cate chewed on her bottom lip.
Somehow, Cate got back to her car and drove home although afterwards she didn’t know how she’d done it. She parked up at the side of the house and cut the engine, sent Lauren a quick text to let her know that she’d got home safe and then switched off her phone and rested her head on the steering wheel.
She would have stayed like that but then the baby started kicking. Cate checked her watch, it was 2.45 – Kian’s match would be kicking off shortly. The only way to get the baby to settle down was to put the commentary on the radio. For some reason, her baby was soothed by football commentary.
Cate let herself into the empty house, went into the lounge and switched on the radio, finding the station which had commentary of the Rovers match. As the baby settled down, Cate lay down on the sofa still wrapped up in her coat, scarf and fleece-lined boots. She closed her eyes for a few minutes, letting the white noise of the commentary wash over her.
She was almost asleep when the house phone started ringing. “Ugh,” Cate cursed, struggling to get up from the comfy sofa. She turned the radio down low and the baby immediately protested, kicking her ribs.
“Stop that,” Cate winced.
“Stop what?” Liv said brightly. Cate hadn’t realised she’d already picked up the handset.
“It’s nothing,” Cate brushed it off. She wasn’t in the mood for small talk. “Did you tell Nick that the only reason Kian asked me to marry him was because I got pregnant?”
“What?” Liv spluttered.
Cate leaned back against the wall and rubbed her eyes, she was so tired. The baby felt like it was doing somersaults inside her stomach. “Just answer the question, Liv.”
“Why on earth would I tell him something like that? What’s this about?”
“He barely knows me. I don’t get why he would say something like that unless somebody told him something. Have you been talking to him about my marriage?”
“I’m not being funny but I’ve got more interesting things to talk about than my little sister’s marriage.”
“I’m serious.”
“So am I. Not everything’s about you, Cate. Have you ever thought that maybe he put two and two together and got five? You got married really fast and you’re pregnant – it’s not much of a stretch.”
“Is that what you think?”
“No, of course not. I’m so pissed off that you would even ask me that. I’m the only person in this family who’s had your back this whole time.”
“I think you were just happy that for once you weren’t the biggest disappointment in the family.”
Liv gasped. “I can’t believe you just said that.”
Cate stumbled over her words, “Liv, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”
“You know what, Cate? I don’t care that your hormones are all over the place because you’re pregnant. That was one of the shittiest things anybody’s ever said to me. I might still be in an entry level position even though I’ve been working for the same company for 3 years, living at home with Mum and dating a guy who’s never, ever going to put a ring on my finger but I’m not a fucking disappointment. I’m figuring things out, which is what I’m supposed to be doing in my early twenties. I expected it from Mum, Ben and Remy but I thought you were better than that.”
Before Cate could say anything, Liv hung up. Cate tried calling her back but it went straight to voicemail. She slumped down the wall until she was sat on the carpet. The baby was still karate kicking her insides.
Cate stormed over to the radio and turned it up. “There,” she snapped, “happy now.”
It immediately settled down. Cate braced herself against the mantelpiece. She felt like she was stuck in a tumble dryer, being spun around and thrown back and forth, until she didn’t know which way was up. Her emotions were all over the place. She didn’t like who she was turning into. She’d allowed Kian to steamroller her into quitting her job at the Tavern, she’d said some really horrible things to Liv and now she’d snapped at her unborn baby. What kind of person does that?
“I’m so sorry,” she said softly, rubbing her bump. “It’s not you, little one. Mummy’s just in a bad place right now. I love you so much.”
After the match had finished, Cate switched off the radio and went upstairs to get changed. Rovers had lost 3-1; Kian had scored a consolation goal 5 minutes from time. The deal was that if he scored a goal, she would wait for him in their bed naked. She stripped off her clothes and looked down at the bed. It would be so easy to just take off her underwear, climb under the thick duvet and wait for him. There was a really big part of her that wanted to pretend she didn’t know that Kian had kissed Alice last night. It would be so much easier.
As she went to undo the clasp of her bra, she caught sight of herself in the mirror. What are you doing? Cate stilled her hands. Are you really going to take off your bra and panties and get into bed naked, knowing that your husband kissed another woman last night? Are you going to let him make love to you, using sex to paper over the cracks in your marriage? Cate sank down on the end of the bed. You’re pathetic, she chastised herself. If you don’t confront him about this, that tiny spark inside of you will be extinguished. You’ve already dampened it down so much that it’s barely visible, just glowing embers. You’ll have resigned yourself to a life as Kian’s doormat.
Cate got up and walked into the bathroom, splashing her face with ice-cold water. She looked down at her swollen belly. Is that what you want for your child? Suppose Kian’s right and you have a little girl – is that the kind of example you want to set for her? No, Cate shook her head. She reached for a hand towel to dry her face. She looked again at her reflection in the mirror, this time she could see the fire burning in her eyes.