Blue was revving his bike in the driveway. I put my helmet on and jumped on the back. We sped off. I didn’t look back.
It took us almost thirty minutes to get back to the motel, and I battled my inner demons the whole way. Who was that girl who’d spouted profanities at Jan? Did Jan deserve them? Absolutely. Was I the type to deliver them? No way. I didn’t even think curse words. That was not who I was.
As far as the Chicky comment was concerned, I had no idea of her specialties in or out of the bedroom. I made that up. If being with Grizz for one month had this kind of effect on me, what was being with him forever—as he had indicated more than once—going to do to me?
It didn’t matter. I’d had a lapse in judgment brought on by the shock of her sudden change in personality. I certainly was no mental health expert, but it was obvious that she had problems. Poor Timmy and Kevin. Poor Blue. The irony that I was feeling sorry for a man who’d killed his sister and her husband without a second thought wasn’t lost on me.
But then again, maybe Jan didn’t suffer from any mental illness. Maybe she was just a witch. Well, she picked the wrong girl to victimize with her maliciousness and threats. I was no victim. Never had been. Never would be.
I’m certain someone would look at my situation and disagree. I had two major indiscretions in my past. One was letting Johnny Tillman in the front door. The other was climbing on the back of Monster’s bike. But each time, I’d known the risk and made a conscious choice. Both times, my brain had calculated the odds of something bad happening as a result of my choice. I’m not saying they were the right choices or smart ones. But I’m saying I knew the risks I was taking at the time. The odds ended up not being in my favor. I accept that.
I was also not the naïve virgin someone might think. I was sexually inexperienced by choice, yes. But I was definitely educated about the most intimate details of a sexual relationship. Remember, I’d lived with Delia. I had been at Woodstock. I’d seen things there that would make even Grizz blush.
Delia had encouraged me long before Grizz came along to explore my sexuality. She thought I should have a lover. She insisted I go on the pill. Yes, the birth control pill really did help with cramps, but that wasn’t Delia’s motive. I think what she really wanted was for me to be out of the house. The sooner I had a guy in my life, the sooner I wouldn’t be her problem. Well, I guess she got that wish.
Something else occurred to me as Blue and I barreled along Flamingo Road back toward the motel. I wondered if Grizz swooped in and took me when he did not because of Matthew, but because of Delia? Did he realize how flighty she was and that my virginity may have been in peril?
Well, I knew it wasn’t in peril. You might be surprised to know I’d planned on waiting until I was married. I wanted a life completely opposite of the one I had with Delia.
I was also a Christian. No thanks to Delia there, either. I first started going to church with a neighborhood friend, Cathy, when I was in the second grade. Delia loved it because that gave her and Vince Sunday mornings to stay in bed, get high, make love and do whatever else they wanted. Don’t get me wrong, they did that when I was there, too, but maybe she just liked the freedom of Sunday mornings. My absence caused her to forget for a few hours that I was her responsibility.
After a few years, Cathy moved away. I started riding my bike to the closest church in the neighborhood, Sacred Heart. It was a large, impressive Catholic church near my elementary school. I attended Mass every Sunday by myself until the day Monster took me.
No, I wasn’t the type of girl who’d lash out at someone’s crazy wife. Yet I had.
I snapped back into the present as Blue rolled into the motel. I looked for Grizz’s bike. It was still gone. It’s only Tuesday night. I guess he’ll be back tomorrow like he originally said. I think I was actually disappointed that he didn’t return sooner.
Blue let me off the bike first. He got off, too, and was walking me toward number four when he stopped.
“Aw, shit.” He was looking down at his pager.
I kept walking. He followed me into number four and to the phone, dialing a number. I could hear his side of the conversation as I went to the bedroom and started to unpack my things.
“Calm down, Jan. No, she didn’t say anything to me. What did you say to her? Shut the fuck up and tell me what you said.” A pause. “Because I have no doubt that you opened your fucking mouth first.” Another longer pause. “No, Chicky is not going to blow me.”
I moved so I was standing in the bedroom doorway facing him. He glanced over at me as he talked; I couldn’t tell if he was angry with his wife or with me. I didn’t care. I walked past him and into the small living room and started picking up the remnants of my dinner, which I had left on the coffee table less than twenty-four hours ago.
After some more yelling, Blue hung up. I felt him watching me.
“You wanna tell me?” is all he said.
“Yeah.” I set my bowl on the kitchen counter. “I’ll tell you.”
And I did. I told him everything that was said, word for word. I apologized for the Chicky comment, because I felt some guilt at involving her without her knowledge.
Blue sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “Well, I guess you know the real reason Grunt doesn’t live with us.”
I didn’t respond.
“You gonna tell Grizz?”
“Why wouldn’t I? Sounds to me like with all the precautions this group takes to remain anonymous, your wife is the biggest threat to that.”
“Well, you wouldn’t be telling him something he doesn’t already know.”
This surprised me.
Just then, Moe knocked and walked in. She was holding Gwinny, and Damien and Lucifer were behind her. She motioned to me that she’d already fed them. I thanked her and took Gwinny from her. She left as quickly as she had come in, and the two dogs went with her.
Damien and Lucifer loved Moe. She always brought them in her room and spoiled them with treats. They would even sleep with her sometimes. She let them lay on the bed with her, and they loved that.
After Moe left, I turned back to Blue. I couldn’t tell where I stood with him. And as I looked at him, I decided that, quite frankly, I didn’t care.
I excused myself to go get a shower, and I heard him leave as I went into the bedroom. The shower was long and hot, and I tried to luxuriate in it, doing my best to erase the memories of the past few days: the loss of my virginity, Grunt’s attack on the fence guy, Blue’s psychotic wife.
When the hot water ran out, I reluctantly got out of the shower. I dried off and put my hair up in a towel. I wrapped another towel around me as I went into the bedroom.
And I stopped short.
Grizz was there. He was sitting on the bed. He was leaned up against the back of it, watching me, and he wasn’t wearing a shirt. As a matter of fact, I was certain he wasn’t wearing anything. The white bed sheet was pulled up just enough, and barely covered his hips.
I took in his physique. He was so big and muscular, and his chest and arms were covered in different tattoos. He had a smattering of light blonde hair across his chest. His skin was tanned. Light from the bedside lamp glinted off the gold hoop earring in his left ear. He had the same expression from the first time I met him: He didn’t smile. He didn’t frown. He just looked at me with those green eyes.
“Kit, it’s time. Come here.”
With a lump in my throat, I replied in barely a whisper, “No.”