Chapter Seventeen

Marcy’s less surprised than I expect.

“You don’t think it’s a little weird?” I ask.

“Weird? No”, she says confidently. “People fuck their neighbors all the time. It’s got to be the most common form of adultery. Husband or wife get bored, where else are they going to go to get their thrills but across the road or even next door. It’s not like your Dad’s unattractive, or even all that old. If what you’ve been telling me is true about your parents relationship over the last few months I’m not all that surprised your Dad has been having an affair, especially not with your next door neighbour. What makes it kind of awkward for you is that fact that you’re kind of still head over heels in love with Donkey.”

Marcy licks yogurt off the back of her spoon while I eyeball her suspiciously.

“For how long have you found my dad attractive?” I ask.

“Come on!” Marcy says, “It’s not like I want to bone him.”

“Ewwww”, I say, the thought too horrific to contemplate. “That would be the only thing that would make this even weirder.”

“I promise you”, Marcy says, pulling a mischievous face. “The thought never crossed my mind.”

I don’t want to consider it further.

“Anyway, so Mom’s pretty cut up. She’s talking about divorce. She spent hours last night just crying and rocking away on the porch. I think she might be having a breakdown.”

“I think your Mom’s been having a breakdown for the last eight years.”

“That’s not helping, Marcy”, I say.

“Sorry. Listen, if it helps, both of my parents were way happier after they split up. My stepdad is a douchebag compared to my real dad, but my mom is way happier with him than she ever was before. She may have to get through the break-up, but as soon as she’s through it she’s bound to find someone that’s a much better match.”

“I don’t know”, I say, unconvinced. “I can’t exactly see my Mom on the dating scene. Where do you think I get my lack of ability from?”

“She’ll be happier, believe me”, Marcy says. “She can’t be any worse than right now, can she?”

“I guess not”, I say.

“Welcome to the twenty first century, where couples no longer stay together for life”, Marcy says cynically.

“You don’t believe that, right?” I ask her.

“Come on, Jenny, real love doesn’t exist anymore. Not outside of your stories, no matter how much you want it to. People come together for a while and then end up hating each other before they break up”, she says.

“I guess it’s not going well then”, I ask.

Marcy smiles, lunch finished and a cigarette now between her lips. “It was only a short term thing.”

“That’s what he said or what you said?” I ask suspiciously.

“Why don’t we talk about your love life instead of everyone else’s”, Marcy says, blowing smoke towards me.

“Pass”, I say.

“Come on, Jenny, there’s got to be someone nice in some of your classes.”

“There are plenty of people nice, but, you know-.” I pause before I continue. “It’s not the right time with Mom and Dad and stuff.”

“It’s never the right time for you”, she says. “Don’t tell me you’re going to end the semester still a virgin?”

“Shhh”, I warn, embarrassed someone might hear us, despite clearly being alone in this part of the park.

Marcy shakes her head. “I can’t let that happen.”

“Yeah, well, thankfully you’re not my relationship counsellor”, I say.

“No, I’m your best friend, which means I’m your relationship counsellor and your sexual advisor all in one.”

I ignore her.

“They’re coming back”, I say. “You know that, right?”

“To play football, Jenny. Not to be with you”, Marcy points out.

The thought has never left me. “What if they read my notebook?”

Marcy gives me a disappointing look. “They read it”, she says. “It’s obvious that they did. You would have, right? You find a notebook, you open it to see who it belongs to and suddenly you see your name, Zach and Jack did this, Jack and Zach did that and then all of a sudden Jenny has two cocks inside her at once.”

“That never happened”, I say. “Not even in the book.”

“You need to write another story then”, she jokes.

“No chance”, I say. “Not just so you can get all horny.”

“You know I love the way you make something so beautiful and so dirty all at once”, she says. “That takes real skill.”

“Thank you”, I say sarcastically. “I’ll make sure you’re a beta reader for the next project.”

“Anyway”, Marcy says, “They read it, they probably got off on it, but they didn’t do anything but give you the book back. They could have taken advantage, you know, if they wanted to, but they didn’t. I’m sorry, Jenny, but the sooner you realize that you’ve got to move on, the better, you know, this is kind of unhealthy now.”

“They might have been embarrassed to admit it”, I say. “Or maybe it wasn’t the right moment.”

“Or maybe they’re just not that into you.”

“That’s cold”, I say.

“Alright, maybe they didn’t read it, and they secretly love you and don’t know what to do about it because Zach thinks you like Jack and Jack is so crippled by worry that it’s Zach you like and not him that neither of them want to hurt each other or themselves.”

“I can see how complicated it could be”, I say.

“Then what are you going to do about it?” Marcy asks.

“Nothing”, I say. “What can I do? Nothing.”

“Well you better either figure out a plan to find out once and for all or get over it and focus on other things because if you don’t you might find something else getting in your way.”

“Something else like how”, I ask.

“Ever wondered what might happen if Janice and your dad decide to tie the knot?” Marcy says.

She knows I’ve already been through every single possible permutations without even needing to answer her. “Well then”, she continues. “I’ve seen you go through a whole gamut of emotions with these boys without doing anything other than write about it in your journal to masturbate to later.”

“Hey”, I say, pretending to be hurt.

“For you to move on”, she says, “you need to take control of your own destiny. Find out if your feelings are reciprocated, because if they're not, you need a whole new plan to begin to follow.”

“I don’t know, Marcy”, I say, certain she’s right but unhappy to admit it. “If I have an answer once and for all it might not be the one I want to hear.”

“Yeah, but until you do, you’re going to be unable to move on. You want to be a virgin for the rest of your life, or do you want to find out if Donkey want to do to you what you wrote in that book?”

“I obviously want Donkey to do what I wrote”, I say, “but I’m not sure if I’m ready to ask them yet.”

“Then get ready”, Marcy warns, “because you may not get another opportunity.”

“The game”, I say.

“Can you think of a better idea?”

“And what exactly am I supposed to say? Hey guys, long time no see. Did you read my notebook because if not, you should.”

“Just leave the details to me”, Marcy says, confidently. “You just need to create the right atmosphere.”

“Oh, right, gee, why didn’t I think of that”, I say. “Get them up to my room, put on some sexy music and dim the lights.”

“Men need a bit of convincing”, Marcy says. “Even a twin set of alphas. They probably just need to know you want them both and not just one of them.”

“I thought you said they clearly weren’t interested”, I ask.

“If I’m absolutely honest with you, I don’t think they are, but I’m not the one who needs convincing, and as your best friend, I’m going to help you find out what you need to know.”

The thought of throwing myself at Donkey makes my head spin and my gut turn circles all at the same time. I’m not confident enough to seduce them, not strong enough to cope with the rejection, but what else have I got? Marcy’s right. I can’t spend my whole life waiting, especially not if there’s a chance that they might one day be my stepbrothers. I can’t cope with finding out one day, either, that we really did like each other but never had the confidence to act on it.

It really is now or never, because the last thing I want in my life is to end up like my mother, chain smoking cigarettes and looking into the middle distance from a rocking chair on the porch of a house I might have to sell, because I didn’t have the confidence to tell the two people I truly love that I want them and no-one else.

I can’t have that, not any more.

Marcy may not believe in real love, but I do, and this time I’m going to prove it to her once and for all. Even if the idea scares me so much, just thinking about it makes my nerves jangle.