Seven.

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Tilly

Chaos.

No matter how much time Mom and Marvin have had to prepare the house, their bags, the garden and everything else for our departure, they still feel the need to wake up at six a.m, and then wake Landon and I up with a loud bang on the door a few minutes later, which literally makes us both jump out of our skin like new recruits on the first day of training.

She doesn’t actually come into the room, thank God, but there is a short, horrible moment when Landon and I both think she might, and we scramble desperately for something to cover ourselves with, the condoms and our sordid tracks evident all over the room.

When we both emerge from the room, fifteen minutes later, Landon first, myself enough time behind him, Marvin is already halfway through his breakfast, and Mom halfway through cooking hers.

There is no reason to be up this early, and I’m angry at her for denying Landon and I our last precious few moments together in bed. I know she wanted an early start, but for some reason I thought she meant a much more sensible time.

I slump into a seat at the table, clearly less than impressed at the wake up call. Landon slides in alongside me, somehow already wide awake and looking amazing, while Mom continues in her attempt to be some kind of superparent, by somehow simultaneously pouring coffee and making pancakes appear in front of us.

“What time will you set off?”

Marvin’s question is directed at Landon, who looks at me before he answers.

“I thought we’d all head off together.”

“Remind me again why we’re up so early?”

“You were never an early riser, Tilly.”

“We have to set the house right and get on the road early enough to miss the traffic.”

“We’re in the middle of nowhere, what traffic?”

I don’t want to be sat here discussing this, I want to be back in bed with Landon, waking him up like I did yesterday. I knew this moment would come, but now it’s finally here, I’m struggling to cope with it. I feel sad and grouchy, and the last thing I want to do is clean up and clear off, without Landon in the back seat of the car next to me.

I reach for his leg just to give it a squeeze and remind myself any break is only temporary.

“Check out time is midday.”

“It’s seven in the morning.”

“Then we’ll definitely be ready to go when we need to. There’s not much else we can do today anyway. Marvin is still recuperating, and the pair of you must be as bored as house cats stuck here in the middle of nowhere. I thought you’d be over the moon about getting back to see your friends. Aren’t you Landon?”

“Not really. The season doesn’t start for another few weeks, which means I’ll be sat at home for most of it keeping out of trouble.”

At least Mom thinks he’s joking.

“Well, you can always come back if you like it so much. You might even want to bring Tilly with you.”

Landon and I share a conspiratorial glance, before his hand finds my thigh this time and gives it a squeeze to tell me who it belongs to.

After breakfast we share chores to get the house in a decent enough state to hand back. There isn’t much to do apart from a bit of light cleaning, which Marvin insists we split equally, so each person takes a single room. Mom offers to do the bathroom, which means she has to clean the decking too, because it’s a lot smaller than the other rooms.

It’s dull and boring and the moments Landon and I are alone together are so fleeting I don’t get a chance to say the things I want to him. I’m not entirely sure what those things are, but I’m conscious of our time expiring and us both missing an opportunity to say goodbye in the intimate way we want to.

My mind is a mess of words and emotions, and half way through the morning, I feel like breaking down and crying.

As expected, and as much as I try and lengthen it, we are all finished by just after nine. The garden is clear of Landon’s footballs, the decking is dry and the jacuzzi we never got a chance to use together packed up, our bedroom stripped of anything but memories of Landon and my silent screams, the kitchen and living room and the rest of the house spotless, except for the football sized hole in one of the french windows, we didn’t have a chance to repair beyond the cardboard we hastily stuck to it.

After we are done, we all collect together in the living room, stood up in the centre like we’re on guard duty, somehow frightened to use the house as a house, now that we’ve spent time cleaning it.

“Well, I suppose that’s just about it.”

It’s nowhere near checkout time yet, but because we’ve started so early, we’re now left with nothing else to do. It’s already time to say goodbye and I’m no way near ready.

“Same time next year I guess.”

I can’t share Mom’s jovial good mood because even a few days seems like a lifetime without Landon in it. A year might as well be an eternity.

Marvin engages himself with taking the suitcases out to the car, while I take one last look at the bedroom I’m kicking myself I didn’t sleep in until three nights in. The beds have been remade, my mattress and Landon’s separated, the drapes drawn back and the floor cleared of our intertwined, hastily removed clothes.

If you look closely enough, you’ll be able to see my fingerprints still on the paint between here and the bathroom, the first night Landon and I fucked silently and he held me up against the wall.

Now the house is back in it’s original state, that memory seems like it belongs to a time much more distant than only a few days ago.

Landon is up alongside me momentarily, close enough for it to seem inappropriate, his heat at my back as I stand at the threshold to our den. I want him to put his arms around me and gather me even closer into him, but the situation won’t allow for it, and even before I’ve really had time to enjoy it, Marvin’s calling for his help, and Landon gets whipped away again. Just before he goes, I hear the words slip from his lips and rub up against me like distant sounds calling me out of a dream.

“Paradise.”

The house looks empty and sad, like no-one has ever lived in it at all, and before I know it, the door has been locked forever, the bags are all in the back of the two separate cars, and all four of us are stood awkwardly on the drive outside waiting for someone to start saying goodbye. There are smatterings of conversation about weather and traffic and routes back and next times before Mom takes control and is the first to give Landon a hug.

When she is done, and has made way for whoever is next, she leans back against the car proud of what I know she will believe has been her achievement alone, of bringing two disparate families successfully together. Marvin and I look at each other, before I offer the way for him and he steps forward to say goodbye to his son with a slightly awkward and perfectly formal handshake that Landon turns into a strong and manly hug.

Marvin steps back, a little embarrassed by his extrovert son, and suddenly it’s my turn to say goodbye.

Landon opens his arms and welcomes me towards him, and I step slowly into his embrace while Mom and Marvin look on proudly.

This is not the end. This is just a mini goodbye until we see each other again. I know that, so it baffles me why I’m actually crying. I can’t stop the tears bubbling up and spilling out onto my cheeks, and I have to turn my head slightly so Mom and Marvin can’t see me. This hug is going to turn into the longest hug I’ve ever given anyone in my life, and there is a very real possibility that Mom and Marvin are going to wonder whether I’ve fallen asleep, but fuck it, I need this. This is my goodbye, my start again, my beginning and end all wrapped up into one.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For not being a dick.”

“Tilly.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“I should go.”

“I should let you go.”

“They’re going to think we are weird.”

“You are weird.”

“Call me.”

“This isn’t the end, Tilly.”

“I know.”

I pull away slightly so I can look him in the eyes just before we go, and in that moment it seems like the most obvious and most sensible thing to do. Whether it’s a rush of blood to the head or something stronger, it doesn’t matter, because I don’t give myself any more chance to think about it before I’ve pulled him towards me and pressed my lips passionately against his.

Landon allows me to do it, but to be fair, I don’t give him much choice. When I finally pull away from him, which is likely to be only a second or two later, but feels like an eternity and more, he looks absolutely stunned.

He’s not the only one either.

I’m totally shocked I’ve actually gone and done it myself, and as soon as it’s over I feel my face blushing red. I try and tell myself it probably looked a lot more innocent than it felt, but when I take two steps back to align myself with Mom and Marvin, their faces tell me something different entirely. Mom looks like she might have just seen something from another planet, while Marvin looks like he’s questioning whether he saw what he thinks he saw at all. I’ve kissed my step brother, and the whole world has witnessed it.

“Ok”, Mom says.

“Right”, Marvin says.

Landon can’t wipe the cheesy grin off his face, while I just stand there awkwardly, trying desperately to hide my blushes. That was so stupid I can’t believe I just did it.

“Ready to go?”

Mom and Marvin get into the car first, while Landon and I have a split second more before I have to join them. He shakes his head in disbelief, that wide smile a permanent feature across his incredibly gorgeous face.

“I knew you were dangerous.”

I mouth the word sorry, but I don’t think it matters. Landon doesn’t seem like he cares either way. I watch him get into his car before a tap on the window tells me it’s time for me to get into mine. It’s time for us to go.

We are the first to pull away, and through the cloud of dust that gets thrown up in our wake, I just about make out Landon in his car behind us, blowing me a kiss.

I watch out of the back windshield for as long as I can, before Landon falls away behind us and then finally disappears entirely.

For the first time in a few days I’m alone again. Ok, I’m with Mom and Marvin, but I’m naked without Landon. It’s only been a few days, but it’s been enough to know. My thoughts move to the inevitable, to the possibility of what might become of us, the things we’ve shared already and the things we have the potential of sharing in the future and although I’m sad that he’s gone for now, I know in my heart of hearts it’s only temporary and that most importantly, I’ve never felt so happy in my whole life.

Flat fields give way to distant mountains while fluffy clouds fill the gaps in an azure blue sky and from time to time without saying a single word, Mom looks back over her shoulder towards me and smiles a smile that makes me know that whatever happens between Landon and I, we’re going to be alright.

This really isn’t an end for us at all, it’s very much our beginning.