Chapter Eleven

That last night almost five years ago...

Jaxon

“It´s my job”, I say, “I´ve got no choice, I´ve got to go.”

“What about me?” Ruby says, her eyes fuzzy with tears.

“Don’t do this, Ruby”, I plead, on my knees now to comfort her. It was the same before Belize, the same on the first trip to Afghanistan. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

Ruby sighs. “It’s not working”, she says.

“What’s not working?”

Ruby pushes my hands away and paces to the end of the bedroom. “This”, she says dramatically. “You being away all the time, and my work, it’s...”

“It’s what?” I say, after Ruby pauses.

“It’s not working out”, she says guiltily.

“Come on, Ruby”, I say. “Everything’s going fine, better than fine. What’s not working out between us?”

Ruby pauses again, deliberately avoiding eye contact. “I’ve been offered a job”, she says. “In the city.” She looks up to see how I’m going to react. “It’s well paid”, she adds. “I know it’s early days but we could make a go of it, both of us.”

“I’ve got a job, Ruby”, I say, knowing what she’s really saying to me.

“A job that doesn’t have the potential to kill you every weekend”, she says, pacing again. “I can’t cope with it, Jaxon. It’s hard enough you leaving me here on my own, let alone the fact that you’re going to war zones.”

“And I’ve always come back”, I say.

“So far.”

I catch her arm mid pace but she won’t let me comfort her. Instead she snaps it away again and wraps it protectively against her chest. “What if we have children?” she asks. “What then?”

“We’ve been together for less than three months”, I say, a little tired we’re here again.

“So what?”, Ruby says, getting angry. “So this is just another fling for you is it?”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it”, I say, wishing I’d kept my mouth shut in the first place.

“I can’t do it, Jaxon”, Ruby says. “I thought I’d be able to but I can’t. I dread you getting the call in the first place, and then when you’re out there I can’t sleep until you come back. It’s stressful for me.”

“It’s my job, Ruby”, I say again. “I’m good at it and I like doing it. I don’t tell you who to interview or where to do it or stop you if I think it’s dangerous.”

“And for how long is it going to stay that way?” Ruby asks. “Until someone blows you up, or a kidnapper shoots you, or your helicopter crashes or one of a thousand other possible things that end up with me waiting all night for you to come home and then someone calling me to tell me you never will.”

My smile tells her I think she’s exaggerating but her tears tell me her fear is real. “I’m sorry this is difficult for you”, I say. “But we’re all professionals. You can come into my office and meet my coworkers if you think that’s something that might relax you.”

“You taking early retirement, spending more time at home with me and doing a normal job is what’s going to relax me.”

Ruby leans against the back of the bedroom door, tears puffing out her cheeks. It’s always like this before a mission, no matter how chilled out she seems beforehand, when the time comes she can’t keep a handle of her emotions. I should be flattered really, because it mean she cares about me, and even though I didn’t think it possible three months ago, even when I saw her all alone in that bar and our incredible story together began, I can see myself with this girl for the rest of my life. Ruby’s definitely the one, and I don’t need another second to decide it, I just wonder how much I can sacrifice in making sure I don’t lose her.

“I don’t see that happening, Ruby, you know how important this job is to me.”

“And me?” she asks.

“Come on, that’s not fair. You know how important you are to me.”

“Just not enough, huh?”

“You’re asking me to give up everything I’ve ever worked for”, I say, “my dream job. What if someone said you weren’t allowed to investigate the things you wanted, or write the stories you put on your blog?”

“My job doesn’t come with a risk factor of absolute, one hundred percent death”, Ruby says. “If something goes wrong in your job, you die. If something goes wrong in my job, I press backspace and start again.”

The comparison makes me smile, but it does nothing to lift Ruby’s mood. “Come on, you’ve got to admit you’ve got a really good way with words.”

“Fuck you, Jaxon”, Ruby says scathingly. “I’m serious about this.”

“So am I”, I say. “My job is just as important as yours, and I have every right to continue doing it.”

Ruby shakes her head. “Then I can’t promise I’m going to be here to support you.”

“Ruby”, I say, shortening the distance between us.

“Don’t”, Ruby says, holding up her hand to stop me advancing.

I stand about a meter away from her, my hands on my hips wondering how the hell I’m going to proceed.

“You don’t get it”, Ruby says. “You only get one chance.”

“I’m not going to die”, I say. “It’s just not going to happen.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You’re making a bigger issue out of this than you need to.”

“I’ve had enough, Jaxon”, Ruby says. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“You’re being selfish”, I say, growing tired of her childish threats. “And you’re being unfair to me.”

“No”, Ruby says defiantly, shaking her head. “I’m telling you how it makes me feel and what I need.”

“You’re giving me an ultimatum”, I point out.

“I’m giving you a choice”, Ruby says.

I stare at her for a handful of seconds more, in utter disbelief at what she’s saying, but as much as she’s threatening it, I know she won’t ever leave. She’s way too into me for that.

“I’m going to bed”, I say. “I’ve got to get some sleep before tomorrow. We can talk about this when I get back.”

Ruby stays for a while by the door before she comes back over to the bed, her tears all but dried.

“I love you, Jaxon”, she says, when we’re lying alongside each other in bed. “Please don’t ever forget that.”