Chapter Nineteen

I clean my room, twice. I change outfit more times than I can even remember and I can’t fully admit that it’s actually happening until I see them arrive, walk casually up to the front door and ring the doorbell.

By luck or because of fate, I am here alone. Mom has taken to spending time outside of the house as a way of forgetting about what’s going on, and Marcy, who was more than happy to stay and take notes, I’ve banished until further notice. There isn’t even anyone next door. Dad and Janice are somewhere in the city, and the new occupants haven’t competed on the purchase and moved themselves in yet. If what I want to happen actually happens, I can comfortably scream my head off and not rouse the neighbours.

Donkey smile in unison as I open the door, and immediately I feel much more relaxed. Which is to say, although my stomach is turning over and my hands are shaking, I find that I still just about have the capacity to breathe.

They look even more gorgeous than I remember, somehow more mature.

“Hey, Jenny”, Jack says. “You made it out of the stadium in the end then?”

I smile. “Just about”, I say.

“We weren’t sure if you were planning on staying there all night”, Zach jokes.

“You know, it’s just, I was so stunned by the performance.”

Zach raises his eyebrows. “My two touchdown catches, you mean?”

“Or my two touchdown passes”, Jack corrects him.

“Both”, I say quickly, “I couldn’t choose between them. I kept getting in trouble for cheering you on.”

“I didn’t realize you were such a fan”, Jack says.

“I actually went because I heard Landon Maddox was going to be there”, I joke. “I guess it’s just coincidence that you two decided to show up as well.”

“A lucky coincidence”, Zach says, playing along.

“Exactly”, I say.

We make our way through to the living room where the twins melt into the couch and I perch on the edge of the armchair, far too excited to be any further away from them.

“Thanks for coming over”, I say when we are settled. “I thought you’d disappeared permanently.”

Jack and Zach look at each other before fixing their eyes back on me.

“Like we said before”, Jack begins, “it’s been a weird couple of months. First Mom and Dad, then the scholarship and the move, then the end of year party.”

“We wanted to come over and-”, Zach seems to change his mind half way through his sentence before he carries on. “We thought we owed you an explanation. We’ve been talking, Jack and I.”

“An explanation?” I ask.

Jack gives a furtive glance around. “Do you mind if we go up to your room?” he asks.

Room, bed, undress, fuck, are the words that go through my mind, and not necessarily in that order.

“We’re alone”, I say, “Mom’s not-.”

“It’s kind of a delicate subject”, Zach says.

The tension is palpable. If I knew better, I’d call this sexual tension as clear as the sea around a caribbean island and f Marcy were here her glasses would be steaming up. I ignore it as best as I can.

“Ok”, I say innocently. “Let’s go.”

I don’t need to give directions. Jack and Zach know exactly where my bedroom is, and if anything, I’m the one they lead there. Thank fuck I cleaned it, thank christ I tucked the notebook to the end of my panties drawer and put all of my one sex toy back in the shoebox at the bottom of my closet.

“It’s been a while since we’ve all been in here together”, Zach says, testing the springs on the mattress like a bored husband might in the bed section at a large department store, while Jack takes to the armchair, sitting back deeply into it.

That depends on whether you count the written word in that equation I think, my mind on the perverted section of my notebook. “Years”, I say instead. “I can’t even remember the last time.”

September 22nd 2009, after football practice. It was raining outside and we played Operation while we waited for your Mom to get home from work and I wanted to kiss you both.

“Are you ok, Jen?” Jack asks, perhaps seeing me lose myself in the memory, perhaps all too aware how nervous this situation is making me.

“Sure”, I lie, deciding to stay on my feet even though it looks stupid. “I’m fine. Excited by what you want to tell me.”

Jack and Zach look at each other again, the only way two twins have the capacity to do. It’s the telepathic glance that mere mortals can only manage with words and animated body gestures.

My glance goes from one to the other, slowly as though watching a tennis ball cross that net at a fraction of the speed.

Is this about to be a we read your notebook and we’ve called the police kind of confession? Am I about to hear some kind of step-brotherly advice on the precipice of our parents new arrangement? Or is it something completely different and I’m way off the mark reading the tension in here?

I’m hot, that’s for damn sure, and I know for a fact we are nowhere near summer.

“We should have said before”, Jack says. “But we just didn’t know how to.”

“And with everything that’s happening now, we didn’t want to miss our chance”, Zach adds.

“It’s harder with two of us, you know, we didn’t want to step on each other’s toes.”

Jack looks like he has a million more things to say but falls quiet for the moment to allow his brother to continue talking. “We didn’t know how you were going to react, so we didn’t say anything, but now with Mom and Doug together, we felt like we couldn’t carry on.”

“We didn’t want to miss out, even if it meant only one of us won”, Jack says.

“Won what?” I say, horribly confused.

“You know when you asked us if we were going to the prom?” Zach begins. “And we said it wasn’t really our kind of thing?”

I nod.

“We lied”, Jack says. “We just didn’t want you to have to choose.”

“Choose?”

“Jack or I”, Zach says. “We thought it would be better not to go at all, than for one of us to miss out.”

My blood freezes cold, my heart leaps into my mouth and my palms go all clammy. Did I just hear what I think I heard, or am I dreaming?

“What?” I stutter.

Jack looks embarrassed. Zach looks ashamed. “I know, right?” Jack says. “Now with Mom and Doug we feel even more stupid.”

“That’s why we’ve not been in touch all summer”, Zach says. “We thought if we tried to forget about it, it would go away. We’d meet someone else special and it wouldn’t matter.”

“It didn’t go away”, Jack says. “I guess it’s not so easy to get rid of something that’s been going on for such a long time.”

“Since we moved here”, Zach says. “For me, at least.”

“For us both”, Jack adds. “So you can see, if one of us won, the other would feel like such a reject.”

“Me?” I ask, unable to believe this is happening.

“Stupid, huh?”, Jack says. “But we just figured if we can’t both be with you, better that none of us can. We look after each other like that. Zach’s a dick sometimes, but he’s my best friend.”

“Oh, my, God”, I say, struggling to process this. “You, both, me, us, for, since you came here. All this time?”

I’m barely making sense but Jack and Zach nod all the same.

“And now?” I say.

“We said when the schedule came out that it was now or never”, Zach says. “We had to know.”

The thought suddenly occurs to me, and I nearly burst out laughing for the stupidity of it. “You didn’t read the notebook?” I ask.

Donkey look confused for a moment. “Come on, Jenny”, Zach says, “We know how private you’ve always been about your writing, we wouldn’t do that to you. Why?”

“Nothing”, I say, unable to get the smile off my face. “It’s, nothing. I just, I can’t believe what you’re saying.”

“I know”, Zach says. “I can’t believe it either, but we couldn’t go on any longer. We miss you where we are. Forgetting about you doesn’t work like we thought it would. If anything, it just makes it worse. It’s affecting our game, our training, even our relationship with each other. Jack’s been pining over you like a little girl.”

Jack throws a stuffed toy in his brother’s direction.

“So”, Jack says. “That’s what we had to say. Before your Dad and our Mom do something stupid like get married and whatever possibility any of us ever had of getting together or whatever works out between us goes up in smoke.”

“Ten years”, I say, not really thinking straight. “All that time and neither of you said anything.”

“We couldn’t”, Zach says, “Because we knew you’d have to choose.”

“And now?” I ask.

“Now we don’t have a choice”, Jacks says.

“And what if I can’t choose?” I say gently, well aware I’m treading on delicate ground. “What if I’ve never been able to?”

My eyes lift from the ground to each brother in turn.

“Then we’d have to share”, the twins say in chorus, “and neither one of us would have to lose.”

Not a story, even though it feels like it should be. Not a dream either, because the pinch I give myself actually hurts. I tip toe while they watch me approach, one foot placed delicately in front of the other, until the gap between us no longer exists and each one of them could reach out and touch me if I gave the order.

“I have a confession as well”, I begin, my voice measured in careful cadence in case it leaps out of my body and takes everything else with it. “Something I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time.”

Jack and Zach look up to me eagerly while my heart pounds so hard you can see my dress move, and for the first time in my life outside of my imagination I feel like the world is finally going the way I want it to.

I don’t know how this has happened, but now it seems to be here, the last thing I’m going to do is fuck it up. If what Jack and Zach are saying to me is true, I’m going to make sure they show me they mean it as well. My pulse may be racing, my breath may be almost impossible to catch, but I’m not going to let it overwhelm me. If this is the moment that determines the path of the rest of my life, I’m not going to let it slip out of my control.

“If you close your eyes”, I whisper, “I’ll tell you what you want to know.”