Chapter Twelve

Present Day

Ruby

I hold Jessica for so long it begins to scare her. Finally I let her push herself away from me, but not so far away she’s out of reach.

“What happened to your face, Mommy? Did you hurt yourself?” Jessica says innocently.

“It’s nothing darling”, I reassure her, aware Rosa is looking at me with barely concealed concern. “Mommy just had an accident, that’s all.”

Jessica makes a little noise in her throat that tells me she doesn’t know if she should believe me or not, but her doubt isn’t quite enough to challenge me. “I missed you”, she says instead. “I don’t like it when you go away.”

“I promise I won’t go away again”, I say, gathering her into my arms. “Did you behave yourself for aunty Rosa?”

Jessica nods, but she’s distracted by something and points to it. “Who’s that man?” she says.

I turn to see Jaxon standing in the doorway - filling it completely so he has to bend his neck would be a better description. Daddy doesn’t seem quite appropriate right now.

“Come in”, I tell Jaxon. “Bolt the door behind you.”

“Who is this beautiful girl”, Jaxon says, moving towards us. I take a step back from habit and then realize I’m overreacting. Jaxon pauses to look at me before moving towards us again. He holds out his hand for Jessica to shake. “I’m Jaxon”, Jaxon says.

Jessica buries her head into my chest overcome by shyness and the movement sends a twist of pain up through my body.

“This is Jessica”, I say. “She’s not usually this shy.”

“She looks like you”, Jaxon comments. “Same eyes.”

I put Jessica down and watch her tilt her neck up towards Jaxon. “Are you staying for lunch?” she asks him.

***

Rosa clears the plates away from the table and serves coffee, while Jessica sits on the bust up sofa, watching American cartoons on a box TV set from the 1970s.

The initial shock of seeing her mother storm in like a lunatic, face battered and body broken, babbling like a maniac and checking no-one has crept into the house in her absence has finally passed. I watch her from the dining table lost in her own world and wonder what she must be thinking. I’ve been away for almost three days, but now that I’m back and I’ve promised I’m not going away again, she’s already settled back into normal routine as though nothing ever happened in the first place. Children have an incredible sense of distortion when it comes to the passing of time, and I can only think it’s the brain’s way of protecting them.

“You look like shit”, Emilio says, his voice laden with disappointment.

“I feel like shit”, I counter. “Thank you for taking care of Jessica.”

Emilio shrugs. “I think we had the easier part of the deal.”

Emilio and Rosa are the best friends I have in this city, the closest I could liken to a family. It was here, in this very house that I stayed when I first came to Mexico, working as a reporter for Emilio’s online, underground, counter government news service. It’s been a long time since he was forced to give that up, but we’ve always remained close, and they’ve always been there for me and Jessica.

“They said they knew about her”, I say. “I don’t know how, but they knew her name.”

Emilio sighs and pours himself more coffee. “I told you, this country isn’t safe anymore. You can’t trust anyone. Think about Jessica, what would have happened if they’d have got to her?”

“Yeah, well thankfully they didn’t”, I say.

“Thankfully someone got to you”, Emilio says, directing his look towards Jaxon. “Thank you, amigo.”

Jaxon holds his hands up humbly. “Always wanted to come to Mexico city”, he says jokingly.

“What will you do?” Rosa asks.

The question surprises me a little bit. “There’s nothing to do, Rosa”, I say. “Publish the information, carry on as normal.”

Emilio shakes his head. “You nearly got killed.”

“Jaxon took care of that”, I point out.

“Until when?” Emilio asks, his hand searching for mine across the table. “You saw what they did to me, and now they’ve nearly killed you and threatened your daughter. You’ve got to ask yourself, Ruby, what is more important to you? Your work, or the people that you love?”

“I absolutely agree”, Jaxon says. “These people don’t stop. You publish what you need to publish, whatever that is, and the people you hurt will come back and hurt you. They’ll kill you if they can and where does that leave Jessica?”

Emilio and Rosa are nodding. “Come on”, I say. “This isn’t an action film, this is real life.”

“Exactly”, Jaxon says. “And the people that win in real life are not the good guys. It’s the bad guys with money, it’s the corrupt police forces and governments, it’s the people that have whole armies on their payroll. It’s just you and your daughter and your writing, and someone can’t always be here to protect you.”

“You mean you?” I say spitefully.

“I mean anyone”, Jaxon retorts. “Look at you, Ruby. They took you for three days and the only reason they didn’t kill you is because you had something they needed. When that gets published and it makes an impact and then everything dies down because it always does and no-one gets what they deserve, they’ll not only come for you again, they’ll come for the people you love. That means Emilio and Rosa and it means Jessica. I’ve seen what these people do, they don’t mess around. Do you seriously want that for what you can achieve here? You’re fighting against a whole ocean of corruption, you’re not going to win.”

“Nobody’s going to win unless they try”, I say. “At least I’m fighting.”

“Until it kills you”, Rosa says. “And you’re just another dead journalist in a city already stacked to the roof tops with them, and Jessica’s left without a mother.”

I sip cold coffee and sink into my seat, too tired to continue arguing. “Nobody came?” I ask after a while, keen to change the subject. “No phone calls, no house calls, nothing?”

Rosa shakes her head. “They didn’t get to her”, she says. “No one knows she’s here. She’s safe.”

“For now”, Emilio adds. He takes my hand again. “You need to rest. Why don’t you sleep for a while, we can look after Jessica. She’s got her own personal bodyguard it seems.”

I sigh deeply, the gravity of the last three days sinking into me. Now that I know Jessica is safe, I feel like I could sleep for a thousand years. That might be just about enough to wash away this excruciating pain as well.

“Okay”, I say, finally giving in to it. “But down here, I want to be with Jessica.”

Emilio shrugs. “The sofa is the perfect place for a siesta”, he says, before turning to Jaxon. “The bed is yours if you need to rest.”

“Thank you”, Jaxon says, “But I’d prefer to be down here with everyone else, at least until we know what we’re doing.”

“I’m not going with you”, I’m quick to say, but already I’m beginning to doubt myself. A month or two back home until this dies down, let Jessica get to know her own culture, keep her safe, rebuild the relationship I’ve let fall apart with Dad, be normal.

“Get some rest”, Jaxon says. “We can talk about it when you’ve got a clear head.”

I don’t even deign that idiotic comment with the scowl it deserves. I’m way too tired to interact and all I want to do is catch up the time I’ve missed with Jessica. There are things I need to tell Jaxon before this mini-reunion ends, and I will when the right moment presents itself, but now is not that time. I take to the sofa while conversation continues at the dinner table, and snuggle into Jessica, rolling my hands through her hair and hugging her tightly against me, even though she wriggles away every so often.

I can see so much of Jaxon in her, and I wonder if it’s obvious to everyone or just me because I know.

I can feel sleep dragging me down like an anchor, forcing my eyelids closed, pushing my body into the deep recesses of this well used sofa.

On TV, cartoon characters subject each other to extreme acts of violence, and I have to concentrate hard to work out if what I’m seeing is actually there, or whether I’m just imagining it. I float between micro sleep and alertness, my legs jerking me back to reality every so often until I caught fight it anymore, and sleep eventually tugs me under.