Chapter 20 (Dana):
Gunner had pretty much fucked my brain out since being back. Not that I am complaining. I missed the big guy so much. I missed the way he doesn’t treat me with kids gloves, but it uncharacteristically gentle when I need him to be. We just get each other, and I missed that. It’s so easy. Right now I am sitting on the couch with my legs on Gunner’s laps in a pair of oversized shorts and a t-shirt. Gunner is in his boxers drinking a protein shake, and absentmindedly watching whatever crap we have on TV. Gunner tossed and turned all night long. I haven’t brought it up yet, but something is bothering him and I will have to bring it up eventually. Right now though I’ll let us just hang. I laugh at some joke made on the TV and Gunner tickles my feet and I keep laughing. The moment is so pure and perfect, but is quickly broken up when my cell phone rings. I groan and push myself up. Gunner and I are going back to Missouri today so I know it is probably Sam. I can't ignore it.
Gunner releases my leg and I slide off the couch. I pick up my phone with a frown. I realize it’s a skype call. Curious. We have never skyed. I click accept and Sam’s face appears on one side and Alex’s on the other.
“Hey sunshine. Happy to have your boyfriend back?”
I laugh. It is so good to have Alex’s genuine sarcasm back. “Just a little.” I blush and Sam laughs.
“Oh girl…” they both laugh harder.
“How’s Logan?”
Sam’s face drops a little. “I mean I really scared him. Logan’s is making me get so much therapy I won’t have time for anyone anymore. I had to agree thougth. I don’t want us to get divorced before we get married.”
Me and Alex laugh. “You’re gonna be so fucking mature Sam,” Alex chides.
“Shut the fuck up Alex. Just because you have Rex wrapped around your fucking finger. Some of us actually have to listen to our men once in awhile.”
“I’m just lucky I guess,” Alex jokes and winks at me.
“Y’all are crazy. I think it is a really good think that Logan is having you seek help. I think it will be good for you.”
“What are you saying Dana?” Sam asks with a sour face.
“How are you doing with everything?” I make my voice as soft as possible so she doesn’t bite my head off. I see Alex’s whole facade drop and looks at Sam with curiosity and worry.
“I’m okay. Honestly. It was weird like he was actually fairly nice to me, given the fact that I was kidnapped. I was scared but he never really hurt me. Like not on purpose, and the one time he did get hurt he had his guard, who turned out to be that guy Blaze, fix it.”
“Oh my gosh,” Alex laughs. “Did the evil Russian mobster have a crush on Sam?” Alex laughs harder, and I can’t help but let out a small laugh. “Sam needs to teach a class on how to get powerful men to fall for her.”
“Oh ha ha Alex.” Sam rolls her eyes. “I mean he still chained me to his bedpost.” When she sees both of our eyes go wide hers do too and she jumps in. “I was on the floor. He didn’t do anything!” He both relax and there is an awkward tension that follows. It’s Alex that speaks first and she is unusually melancholy.
“Guys, I hate this shit, but I have to thank you for standing by me through everything… and not judging me and putting up with my shift in identity a bit. You guys are good people.”
“Alex you are awesome. We are here for you for whatever.”
Of course Sam grins. “Of course girl. Alexa was a cold hearted bitch. Alex is a big softie. I’ve loved the transition.”
“Listen here bitch! It’s a letter change. Nothing more. Im still a bitch.”
“Sure you are. I appreciate your earlier sentiment and the fact that you are most definitely going to go snuggle with Rex after this call.”
“You know what…”
“Oh my God you guys! Are you really fighting over whether you or are not bitches?”
They both laugh, and I just shake my head.
“So Sam, Dana, does Logan have any one set on killing him we should know about or can we all just settle into our lives now?”
“Hey, I believe its your killer we have been dealing with lately missy.” That’s Sam, secretly coming to Logan’s defense without making it seem like she is.
“Yeah. After yours, then Gunner’s. Just checking to make sure no one else in the group’s life will be at risk in the near future.”
“Kind of mine twice. Both instance were kind of my fault.” I wince. Sam shoots me a hard glare over skype. She hates when I feel guilty.
“Well, to answer your question Logan has no one out to get him but crazed fans and he’s got security for that.”
“That’s good, because they haven’t done us a lot of good so far.”
Sam scowls at Alex. “Watch it.”
Alex winces. “I’m sorry. I genuinely forgot Sam.” Sam nods, but the pain is still in her eyes. Something that really haunts Sam to this day is the death of the security guards the day Tim kidnapped her. She won’t let me tell her it’s way more my fault than hers. She carries a lot of the guilt. She still helps their families in any way she can. She’s referred them to groups, helped them financially, she visits with them. She won’t tolerate anyone saying anything about Logan’s security since that day. Alex and Sam have some side argument that I am not really paying attention to. Eventually I find myself bored and check out.
“Well Im gonna go guys.”
“Okay go hug your man for me. Tell him I owe him one.”
“I will.” I smile.
“We’ll keep in touch right? Im the only one being left behind in Nashville. You both are going off with your men in Missouri of all places.”
She says it kidding but I see the pain and worry in her eyes. Sam didn’t have friends before us. This has got to be hard for her. “Promise.”
We all hang up and I spend a solid minute just staring at my phone and smiling. I love them.
“You know a lot of your friends ‘owe me’.” Gunner smirks.I jump and spin around. I totally did not realize I was having that whole conversation in the dining room, which is freaking attached to the kitchen. “Sam has said that to me twice now.” I roll my eyes at Gunner’s smug expression and cocky posture. He laughs to himself and softens. “Sounded like an intense conversation.”
“Yeah,” I ran my hand over my hair. “I didn’t mean for you to hear all that.”
“Do you see what I mean about the difference between you and Sam and Alex. There’s a huge difference in hardness and heart.” I throw Gunner ‘the look’.
“I’m not saying anything.”
He laughs and extends his arm. “Come here.”
I don’t hesitate. I run over and tuck myself into his side. I rest my head on his shoulder and he holds me. “Thank you,” I say softly.
He spins me around and looks at me confused. “For what?”
“My friends. Years ago I told you if you cared about me you would save my friend. You’ve done that on multiple occasions and I…” Oh crap, here comes the tears. I try and wipe them away but Gunner grabs my hand. He keeps up his intense, seemingly soul searching stare. I sniffle. “You just really, really care. You don’t pick or the other. You take action, but are there for me to when I need you.” I really start to cry and Gunner pulls me into his chest and holds me. It’s strong and not overbearing or anything. He is just.. There. Finally I pull away. “Sorry,” I laugh and wipe the snot from my face with the back of my hand. “I don’t know why I got so emotional and weird. This is why you can’t do these criminal job. I can’t handle it.”
We both laugh. “You know, if I ever had any doubt I realized it when I saw the hot chocolate bar you created for yourself in our kitchen.” I bust at laughing, and he gives me a rare, but genuine smile. “Besides it’s nice being missed.” He says it so quiet I can barely hear him, but I do. I look down at my feet and pretend not to have heard though. I don’t want to embarrass him. It would ruin the sweet moment, because he would go all bossy and serious on me again. Not that I mind that, but this is nice.
“Hey Gunner?” I ask, when I am tucked back into his side. He grunts in response. “Last night,” I feel his body stiffen beside me so I pull away again and face him. “What’s bothering you?”
He pulls away from me fully and gives me a hard look. “Nothing Dana!”
“Don’t lie to me Gunner! I know you, and since I know you I know that you usually sleep still as a rock, but are the lightest sleeper known to man. Last night you tossed and turned all night, were mumbling in your sleep and no matter what I did I couldn’t wake you. Go ahead. Tell me Im wrong. I dare you! You won’t though, because Im right. What happened that has you so troubled? Tell me. It’s just me. You don’t have to be all criminal superstar with me. It’s how we’ve stayed friends. Now talk.” I put my hands on my hips for emphasis.
Gunner shoots up and shakes his head. “You don’t need to know everything.”
“No, but how am I supposed to help you when your enemy is your own mind, huh? You have to tell me what’s on your mind, because I love you. You have to. I will make you.” I throw his words right back at him with sarcastic emphasis. Gunner side eyes me, keeps his stiff, controlled posture for one more second and then walks over to the couch and plops down with his head in his hands. “I don’t want to disturb you.”
“Seriously, don’t start treating me with kids gloves. I will break up with you.”
Gunner looks up and gives me a pained smile. “Is that so?”
“Yeah it is so. Everyone else does that. I won’t have you doing it too. We are equals. You are just a little more badass than me.”
“A little?” he laughs to himself.
I sit down next to him and softly place my hand on his thigh. “Talk.”
He looks at my hand for a second and sighs. “There was a few things that just… got to me. I don’t know. First this guy Blaze and this kid Tobias. I just, I’ve changed a lot Dana. Seeing them just made me reflect on some things. Things I’d rather not.”
“What things?”
“Just seeing them, I just remembered how I was back then, hurt and angry and resigned to nothing but my work no matter what they asked of me. I’ve done a lot of bad things Dana. Things I regret. Seeing how cold those men were just reminded me of who I really am. I really don’t deserve you Dana.” I winced at that. I hate hearing him say stuff like that. Although, I know perfectly well he probably does deserve to feel some healthy guilt for the things he has done. I still don’t like it. “On the total other flip side. My heart just wasn’t in it this time. This is all I’ve ever known and all I could think about was getting back to my ‘life’. That should be my life. Im just… yeah. It is all a little disturbing; being older, looking back on your life. Seeing people go through similar pain as you and act the same way you did. Not to mention, that guy was so twisted Dana. The (WORD) he had going on,” Gunner shakes his head. There is a pause and then he laughs bitterly. “I think my life has finally traumatized me.”
I try to think where to begin. That was a lot, and alot of it was unexpected coming from him.
“Okay, bare with me while I try to get my thoughts out. Im not always the best communicator. My thoughts are going really fast here. First, Gunner, you have more than proved yourself to me. You are done with that life now and you are doing it for me. I wish it was for you, but I know it’s not. You deserve me so I want that thought to exit your brain the same way it came. Second, I get feeling confused about not being “all in” on the one thing in your life that has always been a constant. I really do, but Gunner you have a good life now. You are still you. No one is taking away all that you have accomplished in the, uh, dark world. You are retiring that is all. Remember that. Don’t feel guilty for not being totally keen to commit crimes. Honestly, I’d rather you feel guilty for the crimes you did do and then get therapy or make amends or do what you have to do for that than feel guilty for not being a criminal. Lastly, I feel sorry for those men that are cold and hurting. It’s a terrible way to live. It’s empty. You can cover it with crimes, alcohol, drugs, whatever you want, it’s still empty. They have nothing and you should pity them instead of using them as morid reminders of who you were.”
“Wow, Sam was right. You really should consider being a therapist.”
“She told you that?!”
“Yeah, she actually texted me and told me I should encourage you to go down that path. I know, I know,” he said placating me. “You know I would never say (WORD) I didn’t mean, but seriously you have a gift. You should consider it.”
“Well thank you.” I feel my cheeks turn slightly red. “But this is about you.”
“I would honestly love to discuss me more, but do you plan on getting home today? Isn’t Logan having us flown back in like,” he fake checks his non existent freaking watch, “Two hours.”
I shoot up off the couch. “Crap! We need to get ready. We need to clean.” I grab the nearest pillow and throw it at Gunner making him laugh (Of course, he grabs it effortlessly like I meant for him to catch it). “Get up.”
I run to my room, change, pack, do all the things I need to do. By the time I get out Gunner is not only packed, dressed and ready to go, but the apartment is immaculate, and he looks calm as can be. I shoot him a flat look.
“Of course this place looks perfect and you are ready to go. You don’t even look stressed. I’ve been running around like a mad woman.”
The corner of his mouth tips up. “You know, most girls would be happy their boyfriend cleaned the house for them.”
“Well this one is glad it’s done, but is annoyed that her boyfriend does everything perfectly with seemingly no stressful whatsoever!”
He smiles and pauses a second. “You ready to go home babe?”
I feel a lot of my stress dissolve and my shoulders fall. “Yeah. Im ready to go home.”
Home.