Chapter One (Alexa):
I feel empty. I feel like someone has scooped my insides out and left me with this shell. I honestly don’t know what happened. One minute I was telling my story. The next I was thirsting for revenge, and then I was just gone. It was as if the girl I was before never existed. Someone could point a gun to my head and I’d probably shrug nonchalantly. I just don’t care anymore.
I don’t remember much after my talk with Gunner. One minute I was talking to Gunner, the next everything went blank. I felt almost robotic. I faintly remember Rex ushering me out of the room, and then I ended up here. At Rex’s condo. It’s been three days. I’ve spent nearly all of that time in the room Rex has let me use, and I know it’s driving Rex crazy. He’s trying to give me my space, but doesn’t know how much to give. He tried to talk to me this morning, but I didn’t engage. I only remember one part of the conversation. Before Rex left the room . I had to warn him. He needed to know.
“He’ll never stop looking for me Rex,” I said ominously. “My life is his. I got in bed with the devil, eventually I’m going to have to sleep there. I can’t avoid it forever. You need to let me go like I’ve let you go twice now. Give me what I deserve and save yourself.”
I didn’t give Rex a chance to respond. I turned away from him and stayed quiet until I heard the faint clicking sound of a locked door. I felt the urge to cry but no tears would fall. I just laid there, staring at the ceiling, letting the hollowness consume me. That’s been pretty much been the extent of my human interaction. I need to do something, but I’ve never felt like this before.
Hopeless. Completely and utterly out of hope. Out of shits to give. Out of fight to fight. I'm just done.
My survival instincts have always kicked in, but it’s like they are broken now. I’ve survived too much already. They know as well as I do my time is way past up. The door slams open and I sit up immediately. My eyes are glazed over and I mindlessly run my hand along one of my tattoos. My favorite one. The one nobody notices. It’s a girl in a flame. You can barely see it, but on the outside of the flames is a set of eyes watching. Watching, but doing nothing to stop the girl from burning alive. I don’t know who it represents. My mom maybe? It all started with her. I miss her. I love her no matter what, but in her rare sane moments she had to know stuff was going on and she did nothing. Didn’t even try. That continued my whole life until I stopped deserving to be saved.
In the doorway is Dana. Of all people she is the very last person I expected to see. Rex was at the top of my list. Then Sam. Okay maybe Logan would be dead last, but still.
“I understand hopelessness Alexa.”
“Alex,” I mumble. “I think the whole Alexa ship has sailed.”
She nods faintly. “Alex then. I understand, to a degree, how hollow you feel inside.”
“I’m sorry about Gunner,” I mumble. “I know you need him.”
Dana raises her eyebrows and takes a seat next to me. “One, nice subject change. Two, I don’t need anyone. I want him. I love him. He’s my best friend, and he better not make a habit of this but even I know the police aren’t the best people for this situation. I don’t want that man to ever hurt you again.”
“I don’t care if he hurts me at this point, but he wouldn’t go after me. He’d go after one of you, which is why I know Gunner had to go and do this. I'm just so scared he’ll lose.” I choke on my last words. Who knew I cared so much?
“I trust Gunner.” I can hear the worry in her words though. “Okay, so I'm scared too, but I do trust him. You haven’t seen him in action. I have. My guy knows what he is getting into. He’s the most level headed human being in the world.”
“What if he’s not okay? You don’t know Pytor. He’s so smart! He beats me everytime. No matter what I do he always wins. Even if we win the battle he’ll win the war.”
I tuck myself into a ball and cry. Everything around me disappears. This is the root of everything. I know I’ll lose. I’ll lose everything, and I shouldn’t be dragging people I care about into this. I feel a hand stroking my back for a while before it disappears. It always does. I miss the comfort, but am too wrapped up in my pain to take real notice. Days of numbness and now the floodgates have opened and I can’t stop. I don’t think I’ll ever stop crying. Several minutes later a strong arm wraps around me. I know who is it instantly. I do what I know I shouldn’t but so desperately crave. I leap into the arms of the only person who's ever brought me true peace. Rex.
I tuck into his side and put my face on his crisp white shirt. I feel him stroke my hair gently, without saying a word. Just letting me feel. I pull in so close to him that I am pretty much sitting on his lap. I can feel my body shaking in his strong grasp, but I can’t stop it. I cry until my body is so exhausted that I feel my eyes involuntarily start closing. Rex slowly lies me back and pulls the cover up to my neck and tucks it in. I feel so tired and temporarily calm that I just let him tuck me in like a child. That is until I feel the bed shift. I sit up quickly, going from full to empty.
“Stay! Please stay. Rex please.” I feel tears spring to my eyes again. I thought I’d cried myself out. Apparently not.
Rex nods and lies back on the bed and pulls me into his side. “I’m not going anywhere. Okay? I’m right here.”
Tears slip out of my eyes again. Silently this time, because I know I should leave him. I know I’m not good for him, but I can’t. I crave the comfort he’s always given me. Somehow around him I’m just me. I don’t have to be strong or tough or fake or anything else I'm not. It’s just me and him, authentically. I’ve never had that, and I know I never will with anyone else. I can’t let him go. I squeeze him tighter as I feel his gaze slowly drift down to me.
“Alex. Can you talk to me now? You’re scaring me.”
“There’s nothing to say.”
“Um…” Rex sits up and looks at me, the ever confident and cool man I know him to be. “You’ve shut down. I’ve barely heard you cuss. I mean, shit Alex, you’ve barely spoke. We are all worried about you.”
“Sam doesn’t even know me.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it. She knows you in all the ways that matter.”
I tuck my head into the pillow like a coward.
“I don’t think I can handle it anymore Rex. The pain. The hurt. The loneliness. The guilt. That’s the worst part. The guilt. It’s eating me alive.” I sit up suddenly feeling the weight of the pain inside me. I sit up and grab the ends of my hair and tuck my head into my chest and pull on it. “I’ve killed people. Literally killed someone with my own bare hands. I’m responsible for not only my daughter’s death but Mia’s.” I pull on my hair harder. “I’ve hurt people. I… I can’t take it anymore.”
The urge to hurt myself is overwhelming. I know Rex would never let me though, so I settle on tugging on my hair and gritting my teeth. My breathing is harsh. The pain inside me is literally crippling. It’s a pain so intense that you’d never be able to understand it unless you’ve truly hit rock bottom.
I feel Rex watching me for a bit as I try to contain the pain. It’s all spilling out now. The acts are over. I don’t have the energy for it anymore. Rex grabs both of my hands and holds them in his lap. I try desperately to pull away. Rex finds my eyes, which I know are swollen, red and blotchy.
“I need a shower,” I mumble.
Rex lets out a ghost of a smile. “We both know all about your showers. That’s not gonna happen for at least another hour so get used to how you feel now.”
Usually I’d have a smartass remark to that, but right now I have nothing to say. I just nod and look down at my lap. Goosebumps break out across my skin as Rex starts to trace his hand over my tattoos.
“I love your tattoos. You’ve added a lot.”
“Yeah,” I mumble. “They just fit.”
“Yes they do. They’re hot.” I finally let out a bit of a smile. It makes me happy to know he finds them hot. He’s the only person’s opinion that matters to me when it comes to my physical looks. I revel in his touch until I realize the tattoo he is tracing his finger around. I stiffen instantly. His circles stop.
“You noticed,” I say in barely a whisper.
He removes his hand and furrows his brows. “Isn’t it obvious?”
I shake my head and try and fight the stupid girly tears threatening to hit my eyes. “No one has ever noticed before.”
A small smile plays on his lips. “I guess that’s why I'm your best friend then, huh?”
Fuck you Rex, I'm gonna cry.
“Yeah, guess so. You noticed all my fucked up tattoos. That puts you high on my list.” He lets out a small laugh, but as he’s doing so reality hits me. “What now Rex? Where do I go from here? What do I do? I feel lost.”
“Well, first we let Gunner do his thing. Give the guy a little credit. He’ll get us somewhere at least. I trust him.” My face tenses. “Alex, what’s wrong? Gunner…”
“Is gonna die. Pytor is smarter. You don’t get it. He’ll outsmart him. He’ll kill him. He has more men. Dana…”
Rex silences me. “Look, I have no doubt Pytor has more men or more of a killer instinct than Gunner. I will give you that. However, no one, and I do mean no one, is going to outsmart Gunner when he’s focused. I mean I'm not saying he’s the smartest criminal who ever lived or anything, but he has patience, control and wits like I’ve no one I’ve ever seen. He got my sister and mom back from him and he will end him for good this time.”
I forgot it was Pytor that Gunner got Rex’s mom and Mia’s body back from. That brings me a small amount of comfort.
“But…”
“Shhh… Let Gunner take care of Gunner like he’s always done. If he feels he’s in danger you know he will be done. He wouldn’t leave Dana forever. You know he’d never do that to her.”
I glance at the doorway and slowly nod. “Yeah.”
“Okay then. Trust him. Let him see what he can do to keep you safe. That’s step one.”
“Step two?”
“You have a timid blonde waiting in the other room.”
“Shit Dana! Shit! Shit! Shit! I broke down in front of her!” I stand up abruptly and being pacing the room and running my hands through my stringy blonde brown hair. “Shit! Fuck! Shit!”
I hear Rex laugh and then he grabs both of my hands, still chuckling. “Well you’re back. I must say you seem to have made up for lost time with that string of curse words.”
I smile sheepishly. “I cried in front of Dana! No, broke down. I don’t do that. I…”
My rambling is cut off as Rex plants his lips on mine. He grabs my lower back and pulls me into him. Everything around me disappears. The pain. Anger. Guilt. Dana. All of it. I grab his thick black hair and kiss him just as greedily as he’s kissing me. Years have gone by and not a day has passed where I haven’t missed this. His scent. His lips. Just him. Eventually he pulls away leaving me panting and breathless and horny.
“I’ll get Dana now,” he smirks and turns on his heel. I quickly grab his arm.
“Jesus asshole! Give me a second. I...I need to prepare how I'm gonna act.”
“Gonna act?”
All traces of amusement and pleasure have left his face.
“Yeah, like, around Dana. She saw me break down. Heard my story. They know I’ve struggled. How did I fix this? I won’t be the “broken friend”. I won't.”
“Alex,” Rex cups my face and sighs, “Sweetie, a broken friend is much better than a fake friend. Much worse than the friend you never really get to know. Besides, you are not broken, you are struggling. There is a huge difference. You will never be the “broken friend”. Let them get to know you. The smart mouthed, bad ass, vulnerable person that I know. Okay?”
He doesn’t give me time to respond. He just stalks out of the room like he 100% fully believes I will do the right thing and be authentic with my friend. Damn him. Now I'm going to feel guilty if I don’t. My ego is still an ever growing thing inside of me though. I don’t want to appear weak, although it is a little late for that. Fuck. With that the door swings open and Dana stands there looking worried. Rex is close behind her with his eyebrows raised, challenging me.
“Uh, hi. Here’s to a proper introduction.” I cock my head. Dana laughs a little and comes to sit on the bed. Right as her butt hits the mattress I hear a loud sound coming from the living room and Sam comes barging in. I don’t even have time to be annoyed before Sam really makes her presence known. She makes herself right at home in my bed. Fuck, Rex’s bed. Rex’s.
“Yeah sorry Rex, but there’s no way in hell I'm waiting in the living room to give Alexa time to “adjust”. I mean she can cope fast. It’s just me. ”
I look at Rex and smirk slightly. I’ll always love how Sam doesn’t baby me despite everything she knows. Rex just shakes his head at the two of us.
“I’ll give you girls time to catch up.”
“Yes grandma.”
“Hahaha,” he rolls his eyes and walks out.
Sam turns to me. “We’ve missed you. A lot. Like a whole lot. Our worlds our to quiet and boring without you.”
I can’t help but smile a bit. I figured after everything they heard they’d be done with me. “I go by Alex now Sam.”
“Oh sorry,” Sam says sarcastically, raising her hands in a surrender gesture. “You tell us your life story and now you have a new name and everything.”
She says it jokingly but I can hear the pain in her voice. I know after everything we’ve been through together she’s hurt I didn’t tell her anything, especially because she shared her life with me. What hurts her more though is that I truly believed she would disown me as a friend after she knew everything about me. I know that that cut her deep. She doesn’t say it though. I know she figures I’ve been through enough without her making me feel guilty. Too bad I don’t need her. I can feel super guilty all on my own.
“Alex just feels more natural to me. Alexa belongs to a whole act, not a real person. I know it sounds stupid out loud.”
“No I get it,” Dana jumps in. “Like from a psychology perspective it makes sense.”
Sam looks at Dana curiously. “I’m actually being serious here. Have you thought of going to school and becoming a therapist Dana?”
Dana scrunches her face up. “Me! Heck no. I'm too fucked up.”
“I mean you have issues, but because of that you are great at relating to people. I think it is something you should consider.”
Dana laughs silently to herself.
“What?” Sam asks.
“Well, I mean, I would love to see the look on Gunner’s face knowing he ended up in a serious relationship with a therapist.”
Sam busts out laughing. “I mean that’s reason enough!”
Sam face turns serious as she throws Dana she gives her a motherly look. Sam’s pretty much half mom, half badass at point.
Meaning 100% the strongest human ever. Because there is nothing more badass than a mother.
“Okay, okay I’ll consider it.”
“Good. Start looking at schools. I mean, for real, you have a brother who can pay your way. Why the hell not? You love helping people and can relate to them. Think about it.”
“This is nice,” I mumble. Both girls quickly turn their heads to look at me. “I mean I’ve been so in my fucking head the past few days it’s nice to just talk like normal. To not be looked at like a flipping wounded deer.”
Sam nods. “You forget I’ve been in your shoes, and so has Dana. We get it. You’re not fucking wounded okay. Besides I have so much to catch you up on!” Dana’s face lights up and Sam starts to fidget. “So… I know you aren’t going to believe this since you’ve seen my parenting struggles straight out of the gate, but, um, well….” I’ve never seen Sam this nervous.
“Spit it out Sam!”
“Logan and I are adopting a child!”
“What?” I scream. Dana’s face lights up even further. She’s like a little kid on Christmas.
“Yeah. His name his Dusty. Alex,” Sam sighs and gets this dreamy look in her eye. “he came into the foster home riddled with bruises and two broken bones, but had an attitude like no other. He mouthed off to the nurse who tried to give him a lollipop. Shit, he snapped at me when I tried to “be nice”, which I generally suck at. Alex, I just love him. I went home and told Logan about him, and, well, we are taking him home with us tomorrow.”
I stare at her in shock. I never, ever expected Sam to have or acquire another child. I know she didn’t either. This Dusty kid must be something. “Well wow, I mean I definitely think you’ve turned into a great mom. I can’t think of a better place for a smart ass, abused kid than you and Logan’s place. Although Logan may kill himself having two of you running around.”
“You really think I’ll… you know, I will be good for him? I'm pretty fucked up and unconventional.”
“That sounds just like what this kid needs Sam.”
“See, that’s exactly what I said!” Dana shouts. “Plus, when shit hits the fan you are the ultimate mama bear.”
“No one can argue with you there Dana.”
“No one in the universe can,” Dana says firmly, “I'm pretty sure you’d be one of those moms to lift a bus for her kids.”
Sam blushes. “If it was in my way.”
Dana and I both laugh. Partially because it is funny, partially because it is true. Sam totally would.
“How’s Logan? Jazmine? How’s the foster home?” I ask. For some reason I feel so disconnected, although it really hasn’t been that long.
“The foster home is amazing! I mean it’s really taking off. Like we are helping kids find families and our home is so great. Ms. Arnette does a great job, although I think she’s retiring soon, which sucks. I hoping I am finding kids mom’s like the one I had. I mean I know they don’t always get the best home, but we have the best and most intensive process ever. It would take a lot for someone to dupe us. Plus, we let the kid talk with the interested party first. We ask the kid how they feel with them. I have no interest in rushing kids out. Although, we may have to expand or something. We are looking into that. It’s a lot of work, but I have the best people working for me. Yeah, I get a little riled up sometimes, but I really feel I am making a difference here. I…” Sam looks at her hands and I can tell she is on the verge of tearing up, which rarely happens. Then she clears her voice and straightens up. Toughens up. “It’s the most closure I’ve felt since my mom died. I feel like I am doing right by her. I know she’d be so proud of this. Proud of me.”
Dana and I sit in silence for a second. I never knew Sam’s mom, and it’s not something she ever discussed with her, but I’ve always gotten the distinct impression that her mom framed her whole life and made her who she is. Dana told me her mom’s death destroyed her and that was how she ended up in Wisconsin.
“Okay, you all can say something geez. I don’t know if you really you’re just staring at me awkwardly. I'm highly uncomfortable.”
“How’s Logan?” I blurt out, hoping the conversation doesn’t spin back around to me. Sam raises her eyebrows because she knows I am not Logan’s biggest fan.
“Oh don’t get Sam started on Logan. She’s like a lovestruck teenager,” Dana teases.
“Says you. You look at Gunner like he’s your freaking sun and moon.”
Dana smiled and totally doesn’t deny it. Instead she turns her attention to me.
“Don’t think you got out of this lover girl. How’s Rex?”
“Fuck you Dana!”
Sam laughs and pulls out her cell phone. She starts searching for some sort of video. “Well to get back to your question Alex, Logan’s away at work, but he only left a few days ago and comes home tomorrow to get Dusty. He had some press to do for the movie he’ll be filming. It’s been weird having so much press around. He hasn’t even started filming the thing yet! It’s annoying. I love him but,” she rolls her eyes, “his life is annoying Anyway, I'm going to be really annoying here and show you an interview he did.”
I furrow my eyebrows, totally confused, but Dana jumps in.
“If Sam didn’t I would. It’s so cute! Oh my gosh. Gunner would never say stuff like this.” Dana’s face gets all mushy, but my face is stoic. It really, seriously seems my mushy side only comes out around Rex.
Sam whips out her cell phone and holds it in front of us. Logan’s face fills the screen. He’s all “glammed up” and on sort of entertainment show. His hair is perfectly styled, his blue eyes seem to shine brighter and he’s wearing some sort of sexy leather jacket. Some shit he’d never wear at home. He really is a good looking guy.
“So Logan, we haven’t heard from you in a while.” The reporter's eyes light up and she is clearly checking him out, and flirting with him. I glance over at Sam and her lips are pursed. She looks tense. She is by no means a jealous partner, but it pisses her off that girls would flirt with him so blatantly when they know he’s married. It’s more the principal of the thing for her. She trusts Logan.
“How’s it being engaged? What’s your fiance like? She’s just a normal, average girl, right? We love you for that. Will we ever meet her? And Oh my God,” she fakes concern, “She was kidnapped last year right. Is she okay? You are a dad now too! What’s it like being a father? So much has happened in your life.”
She twirls her hair. I want to gag for Sam. If this was Rex, oooh I’d feel sorry for the bitch.
“I'm not going to talk about my soon to be wife,” Logan says firmly. “I'm going to respect the privacy she so craves, but I will say a few things. One, she is anything but ‘normal’ and ‘average’. She is the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. You have no idea what she’s done for me and my family or what she’s been through. I will also say this. You will never meet her.” A small smile plays on his lips and his eyes light up, making even me swoon. He looks so totally in love it’s sickening. “Let’s just say my girl isn’t Hollywood’s biggest fan, and I'm not sure she’d make good TV. Well, I take that back. It’d be entertaining, but not in the professional standard I like to hold myself by.” He laughs to himself. “Anyway, let’s get back to the movie.”
Then Sam pauses the video and puts her phone back in her pocket. Dana and I look at her. She looks absolutely smitten.
“I know. I'm so disgusting,” she says before I can. “I’m so annoyingly in love, but in my freaking defense. Logan and I get so caught up in the day to day, our jobs, Jazmine, the seemingly endless pain and drama of our lives that we, like, forget we love each other. Forget we are engaged. When I hear him say stuff like that it reminds me of the old days. It reminds me that he sees something in me that I don’t. It makes me feel real good. And,” she smirks, “I love knowing that those beautiful, bitchy women will never have him, because he’s with plain ol’ me.”
Dana and I both laugh. “You deserve for someone to love you like that,” Dana says softly. “And, I’d kill my brother if he said anything other than what he did, and he didn’t put that woman in her place.”
I love when Dana gets feisty. I’ve seen her in action. She’s shy 97% of the time, but the other times, well, I’ve seen her put Logan and Gunner in their places multiple times. Those are the two people in this world she gets all bossy around. It’s so fucking amusing.
“So Dana, how are you and Gunner?” I wince a bit, knowing where he is.
“Alex, please. It’s okay,” she says calmly. “I’m okay. He’s coming home and we’ll continue with our little life.”
I let out a deep breath. “What are y'all's plans then?”
“Well, I mean Gunner and I are going to stay in the cabin. I don’t know what else to say really. Neither of us have thought about marriage, and we don’t want kids so…”
“You don’t?”
Dana let out a bitter laugh. “Me and Gunner? Sam, we are way too fucked up.”
“I have kids. Im super fucked up too!” Sam says , sounding almost offended.
“Sam, you are the kind of fucked up that makes you more productive. It gives you a mission. Drive. You know I didn’t get lucky enough to have that reaction to pain, and Gunner, well, I don’t think I need to explain all the reasons he shouldn’t be a dad. Besides, that is so far from our life plan.”
“What’s your life plan then?”
“Well,” Dana blushes. “Just hanging. Gunner’s kind of teaching me to fight, um, I know I'm gonna suck but…”
Even I interrupted that. Dana and her low self esteem. “No Day. I think it’s a great idea, and you couldn’t have gotten a better fucking teacher.”
Dana grind cheekily. “No, definitely not. Other than fighting, his soon to be new job and keeping up with you crazies, it’s mainly movies and coffee nights for us.”
“What?” I laughed. “Movie and coffee nights? Tell me your joking. Gunner, no way!”
Dana frowns. “He’s not a robot Alex! He likes chill nights too. They are my favorite.”
… and so I get it. The dreamy look on Dana’s face tells me. She loves it. So he loves it. They probably cuddle and fuck and are all cute and romantic. That’s actually kind of cute now that I think about it. I can totally see them doing that in their cute, isolated little cabin.
Silence falls between us. We are all caught up in or heads and the natural direction of the conversation should shift to me, since they both just discussed their lives. They both know, however, I don’t want to talk about my shitty life and recent emotional breakdown. In the midst of the awkward silence the door swings open.
“Okay. Are you threee gonna gossip all day? Should I bring you a bottle of wine? Maybe a Friends DVD?” Rex asks, sounding amused. None of us are the type of chicks to sit down and have a heart to heart. This is abnormal behavior for us.
Dana laughs, Sam frowns and I stand up and throw a pillow across the room, which Rex blocks with a laugh.
“Shut the fuck up Rex. It’s better than the weird silent bromance thing you and Gunner have going on!”
Rex laughs again. “Seriously though. What now?”
That question is directed at me. Everyone’s eyes drill into mine. I look around frantically looking for someone to save me from this awkwardness. I'm good right now, but that seems to change every five seconds. My eyes cling to Sam, who seems to be studying me. Finally, she sighs and decides to jump in and save me.
“Well, Logan’s flying into Nashville tomorrow, and Jazmine and I have to go home to prepare for Dusty,” an unintentionally huge smile spreads across Sam’s face. “I was hoping, well, I was hoping you all would come with me… to meet him and support me.”
She turns to me. I sit up straighter when I see the emotion laying heavy in her eyes.
Alexa,” she shakes her head. “Alex, you’ve always been there to support me as a parent and a person. I… I can’t imagine picking up my new kid without you. I need you there, and Rex, I need you there too because I need you to keep Alex in check. I am assigning you the role of babysitter.”
I hit Sam, and just like that we all make plans to go to Nashville tomorrow and pick up Sam’s new kid.
It’s little shit like this that saves a person, because in the seemingly small moment of a booking a ticket to support my best friend, little pieces of myself start to fit back together. Despite everything, I still belong.