Chapter 4 (Sam):
Less than 24 hours later we were headed back to Nashville to see Logan and pick up Dusty. It’s me, Rex, Dana and Alexa in the plane… Alex, shit that’s still so weird. Sometimes she feels like a whole different person, but I know she is still the same person inside. I can feel it, even if a lot about her has changed suddenly.
She thinks Alex and Alexa are these two totally different people, but it’s crazy how similar “they” are. Alex is Alexa and vice versa. The only difference is Alexa was dishonest with what she was feeling and numb to her life. Alex is the same person, just woken up and a little broken, but, fuck, who isn’t? Certainly no one in our crew, except for maybe Logan and my kids. I still feel like the most fucked up of all of us, but somehow I ended up with this totally normal family. Well, I guess not exactly normal because the whole world wants to know about us, I’m filthy rich and constantly avoiding paparazzi. So I guess not so normal.
The atmosphere on the private jet is weird. Dana is so excited I can practically feel her buzzing. Alex is relatively quiet and pensive with the occasional smartass remark. Rex and I are the reason this ride is so awkward. I’m nervous as shit. My mind is drowning in self doubt and worry. Dusty has issues. He’s going to be a tough kid. What if he and Jazmine don’t get along? What if Logan doesn’t love him as I do? And worst of all, what if I am a bad mom? What if I don’t help him? What if he hates me? What if I let my mom down? I shake my head and look over at Rex. His leg is bouncing up and down rapidly. His hands are clenching and unclenching, which I’m learning is a way he controls his temper and/or nerves. He’s tense. He’s so unlike his usual self it’s alarming. I see Alex looking at him curiously, but she looks scared of his mood. Im beginning to wonder if her being pensive and him being weird are linked. It’s hard to tell, because Alex is so freaking weird around Rex. Once second she’s scared, the next she’s tense, the next she’s nervous, then she starts acting like a little girl with a crush, it’s hard to keep track of what the hell is going on with them. She makes the roller coaster of emotions I went through with Logan look like a walk in the park. Right now though she looks nervous and unsure. She is sitting as far from him as possible, and is biting her lip as she thinks.
“Okay, I’m done! For real, what is with you Rex? You look pissed off or scared or, honestly, I’m not really sure. What is going on with you?”
“Nothing! I mean nothing. Sorry, I just a lot on my mind.”
“You sure, because Alex looks like she wants to hide in a corner or anywhere that’s away from you.”
His head automatically snaps to her. He looks genuinely confused by Alex’s demeanor. Like he has no clue what’s bothering her. Alex, on the other hand, is beat red. I mean red as a fucking cherry. What the hell? I guess the two aren’t linked? These two give me a headache. Rex looks back to me.
“Well Alex has no reason to be nervous right now…” he says with a question in his voice. The statement is clearly directed at her. Alex turns away and tucks her knees into her chest.
“Fuck all of you,” she mumbles. I laugh. She doesn’t mean it. She hates being embarrassed. With a passion. It’s one of the first things I learned about her.
The rest of the ride is quiet. I leave well enough alone. Mainly because if I push to hard, someone could turn the conversation right back around to me. I don’t want to get into all the insecurities swirling around in my head. The regret I feel for saying I’ll take in a little boy when I’m not even whole myself. I still have nightmares. Scars all over my body, which, thankfully, Dusty has seen. Honestly, I think it was the reason he agreed to come home with me, weirdly enough. He didn’t want to at first. He was angry when he found out I wanted to adopt him, like I would have been. One day I came into work in short sleeves to talk with him. He looked at me in a whole new light. He kept touching his own small scars on his little arms and legs. He connected with me. We were not alone. We both had scars everyone could see.
My worry was the screaming at night, the fact that I still struggled with how I looked, I still struggled during sex and, worst of all, I still saw the images in my head. I saw their faces. When it got too strong I would throw up until there was nothing left in my stomach. Of course, Logan was the only one who knew most of this. Well, Logan and the therapist Dana and Logan insisted I see. She’s cool though. Chill. Non-judgemental. I dig her. She helps. I worry I can’t help Dusty since I can’t help myself. I made this choice though. I have to follow through. I’m strong. A protector. I can protect him. I hope.
As a new round of thoughts enter my head I feel a sharp pain in my arm, followed by the the faint sound of a foot tapping on the floor . My gaze snap over and I see Alex standing there with her brows furrowed. It takes one look around to realize no one else is on the fucking plane. Oh, just great. Fuck.
“We landed,” she says calmly.
“Yeah,” I say as I collect my stuff, fix my messy hair and pray to God she doesn’t question me further.
“You okay?” she asks in the same calm, cool tone.
“Yes. Of course. I am.”
“Good. Then let’s get off this jet.”
I breath an audible sigh of relief as we head down toward the exit. When we reach the door Alex grabs both sides of the exit, and turns back to me, blocking the way.
“I’m not a hypocrite. I won’t push you for your feelings, but I'm here. If you need me… then I'm here.”
With that she walks off without another word. I watch her walk away. I love her. I love her. I love her. She knows I hate to be questioned when I'm really struggling, same as her. That’s what she meant by she’s not a hypocrite. She’s giving me a pass. I’m in awe of her cool confidence despite all she’s endured. That and her rad individuality. For instance, right now she is wearing purple jeans, a ripped up black t-shirt, combat boots, and heavy black and purple eye eye makeup with two braids in her hair. Just fucking cool.
Anyway, I stop being a total creep and get off the plane. I see Dana’s eyes go to me in question, but Alex jumps in. “She was half asleep. I had to shake her to wake her up fully. Now let’s get going.”
Dana looks at me again, knowing that is not true, but Alex spoke with such authority that Dana just shrugs and follows Alex to the black car waiting for us. Alex has still kept her distance from Rex, and Rex is still in his own little world of trouble so he doesn’t notice. It’s quite a walk to the car, but as soon as we get close I recognize the wad of blonde hair waiting leaning against the fancy black car door. He wasn’t supposed to be here! But it’s him. I know it’s him. I can tell by his cool stance and his smile. My heart leap. A feeling of safety washes over me so quickly I almost can’t take it. I drop my bags and sprint over to him. I don’t know when I became this girl, but sometime in the years of Logan holding me when I cried in secret or holding my hair back as I puked in disgust or simply massaging me when I couldn’t handle sex, I became her.
I run in his arms and squeeze him so tight like he might disappear. I can tell he’s a little taken aback but he squeezes just as tight.
“You okay?” he whispers in my ear.
“Of course.”
“Always right?”
“Yep,” I say with a small smile. I pull away as my friends approach. Alex is smirking at me. I swat at her. Bitch. She has no room to fucking talk. Dana wraps Logan in a big hug.
“Missed you bro.”
“That seems to be a theme today,” he says with a smirk.
Both me and Dana smack him, and he laughs. Then he turns to Rex and Alex who are standing a good five feet from each other.
“Hello Rex. Alexa.”
“It’s Alex,” I mumble in his ear. He nods. “Sorry, Alex.”
“Hello Logan,” Rex says as he clenches his fists and extends a hand. Logan smiles and takes it. I can tell he likes Rex, unlike Alex, who he has never quite understood. Alex and Logan just nod at each other, per usual. It bothers me slightly, but I let it go. They are allowed to not really like each other. Besides, I know if shit hit the fan they’d have each other’s backs. Logan’s already asked if there was anything he could do for Alex after hearing her story.
Cricket. Cricket. I can almost hear them as I wait for someone to speak again. I finally recognize why everyone is so quiet.
Gunner. It feels weird without him here. I can tell Dana is hurting, but trying to be cheerie for Alex’s sake. For some reason that ruthless hunk of a man has really become a staple in our crew, and without him it feels empty. Eventually Logan clears his throat and we all get in the car. Once we got a good twenty minutes away from the airport I turn to everyone.
“What is the going forward?”
Dana looks to Alex, then to her brother. The three of them have a silent conversation before seeing to come to a general consensus. Dana turns to me first with her ‘therapist face’, as I call it. My stomach coils as she scoots close to me and takes my hand.
“Sam, babe, we 100% support you in this adoption. We are here for you always, but picking up your son…. that… that is something that should be done as a family.”
“You are my family!’’
“Your immediate family Sammie.”
“Don’t fucking call me Sammie,” I snap. I feel my hands start to shake. Dana and Alex can’t leave me with this. I need them there!
“Sam,” Alex says firmly, “This is for family. Pull it together.”
“Bitch,” I mumble, but it helped.
“Logan, can you drop me off at my old apartment? My lease isn’t up yet and you paid the year in full,” Dana says quietly.
“Take me and Alex to a hotel,” Rex says. “We need to talk anyway.”
I totally forgot he was here. That’s the first thing he’s said in hours.
“What if I don’t want to fucking go? Maybe I want to go with Dana,” Alex mumbles, glaring at the floor.
Rex cocks an eyebrow and crosses his arms over his chest, leaving no room for discussion. This demanding side of him is not one I see often, but I have to say it is slightly intimidating. I see why Alex decided to stay quiet and pout instead of fighting him.
“Dana, will you be okay by yourself? You can stay at the house of course. You are my sister. You know I don’t care about the money.”
Logan’s eyebrows are furrowed. He’s worried. He may hate Gunner, but he knows she loves him and is worried about him. The thing that I think worries both Logan and I both the most is that she’s holding her feelings in, but I know she has to for Alex’s sake. It’s a fine line we are walking as friends right now. We are all so fragile. So close to breaking, and we all we want to is protect each other.
“I’m fine Logan. Plus, I expect you will send a car for all three of us, me, Alex and Rex, as soon as you get your new little guy so we can all spend time with him. I mean me and Alex want to meet him ASAP, so I won’t be alone long.”
Logan nods in agreement. The car ride is relatively quiet after that. About an hour later everyone is dropped off at their respective locations, and it is just Logan and I in the car. He gives the driver Ms.Annette's address as soon as the door shuts and Rex and Alex exit. Jazmine. I feel my heart buzzing with excitement to see my daughter. It was hard making the the decision to have Logan fly her back to Nashville with him before he left for work, but it was best for her and I. The tension between the adults was not something she needed to be around. Spending some alone time with her father was best. Even if it killed me to do it.
“So,” Logan asks breaking me out of my thoughts, “What was the grand welcome about? Can we skip the part where you feed me bullshit before I get to the truth. We don’t have long before we pick up Jazzy and the car becomes happy land.”
My eyes light up, and I burst out laughing. Jazmine is the happiest kid ever. Hearing Logan’s low chuckle makes my heart happy. I always thought I wanted to be alone. Now that thought makes me feel hollow inside. Seeing my family happy makes me happy in a way living alone never could. That brings my thoughts right back around to Dusty and all the happiness drains from my body, like a balloon losing helium. I feel the fear in bones. The fear I’ll let him down. My mom never let me down. I can never be her.
“What if I am not the right parent for Dusty?” I blurt out, hearing my voice crack. “I know we’ve thought this through extensively, but Logan you know. Like. How can I help him if I can’t help myself? I'm a mess.”
Logan sighs heavily. “Sam. You know you are the perfect mother for him. You know better than anyone the power of having a foster parent who will fight for you, love you unconditionally and believes in you even when you can’t believe in yourself.”
“Well, no one will fight harder for him than me.”
“Oh, I know that Sam.”
I sigh, and stare at Logan. How is he so good with me? He smiles playfully when he notices me staring.
“I missed you babe.”
“I saw your interview Logan.”
Logans scoots close to me, and starts running his hand up my upper arm. Tingles spread throughout my body. He’s so gentle with me, and even gentler with my scars. He protects my heart, even in the way he touches me. He never makes me feel gross or rejected for how I look. Speaking of looks, Logan really does look really hot right now. He’s wearing designer jeans and a leather jacket. His shaggy blonde hair is perfectly styled and his blue eyes are hooded and filled with passion and lust for me from our intimate touches in the backseat of this car. Just as his hand makes its way down to my breast the driver’s voice rings out.
“We are here sir.”
Logan pulls away with a sigh.
“The joy of being parents,” I mumble.
Logan laughs as we both climb out of the car. Well, let me rephrase. His bodyguard gets out first and checks for paparazzi. Then his driver. Then Logan. Then me. It’s a whole routine every time. The sad part is I’ve gotten used to it. The whole charade I have to go through being engaged to Logan. He makes it more than worth it though. I love him, and love makes you do crazy shit. Like sit in the car while three men check for cameras that constantly want to take pictures of me at the worst possible angle so they can criticize “Logan’s fiance”. That’s all I am to them. Logan’s fucked up, scarred fiance.
As soon as Logan rings the doorbell at Ms. Arnette’s my heart starts beating a hundred miles an hour. I have the desire to jump up and down like an idiot. Logan looks at me and laughs when he sees me bouncing on my toes like a ten year old. I swat his arm playfully.
“I'm excited. Shut up,” I mumble.
That earns another chuckle form him.
He’s pretty contained. His body language doesn’t reflect the excitement I know he feels. It’s always like this when he comes back from Hollywood. He’s extra contained. It’s hard to get him to let loose when he gets back. He deals with my panic attacks, so I wait patiently when he gets back from work as he begins to trust that no one is out to get him. To hurt or expose him. It kills me every time. I just want him to know he’s home and in a safe place, but he’s used to a world full of sharks and he needs his time to come to terms with home. I always give him that.
The door swings open. Logan goes straight to thank Ms. Arnette, while I put all my focus on the adorable squeaking blonde in front of me. She’s getting so big. She’s nine now. Nine! That’s so crazy. It’s scares me. She’s growing so fast.
“Mom! Dad!” she squeals. She runs straight into my arms and I squeeze her and rock her back and forth.
“I missed you. I missed you so much. I’m sorry you couldn’t stay.”
She pulls away and gives me an incredulous look. “Mom, I love you, but I like being with my friends. Don’t say sorry for that. I know you love me.”
I look into her sharp hazel-green eyes. She may look like Logan, but she is definitely my daughter too. I’m in awe of her independent spirit.
After we spend a few minutes catching up she walks over to hug Logan. Jazmine loves me, but Logan and her have a special bond because they only met four years ago. She waited her whole life for him. She was already five when they met, but she never gave up on him. Not once. She always believed she’d meet her dad some day. As I watch them hug I am so glad she did. I'm so glad I found that newspaper article and stormed into his office that day. It changed everything. It gave Jazmine a father.
I finally manage to step away from Jazmine and shake Ms. Arnette’s hand and thank her again. She has been a godsend in our life between her work with Dana, babysitting Jazmine and helping me with the foster home she has made our life so much easier. It means everything to us to have someone we can trust.
I crouch down in front of Jazmine. “Are you ready to meet your new brother?”
She looks at me hesitantly and then up at Logan. “I mean I’m ready, but I’m not gonna be nice just cuz he’s my brother.”
Her lisp makes the harsh statement sound so stinkin’ cute. “I’ll be nice if he is.” With that she just struts off to the car. She waits for the driver to open the door for her.
“We are creating a monster,” I whisper as Logan laughs so hard he has to hold his stomach to catch his breath.
“Babe,” he says through his laughter. “She’s you.” He laughs even harder, to the point where tears are coming out of eyes.
“Shit,” I whisper as we walk to the car. I'm not finding it as funny as him. What if she isn’t a good person? What if she’s too spoiled? Logan grabs my hand and squeezes it.
“Sam, don’t worry. She’s a good person where it counts.”
He knows my greatest fear is fucking up our kids. I give him a grateful smile. The whole ride to the foster home Jazmine talks endlessly about her time with Ms. Arnette. I’m grateful for it. Her endless excited rambling keeps me out of my head. She’s always been my medicine. From the beginning. Even when I was a struggling single mother.
The closer we get to the foster home I reflect on that fact that this foster home is probably one of the things I am most proud of in my life. Other than Jazmine. When I die I will feel calm knowing I made this world slightly better with this home.
We pull up to the foster home thirty minutes later. Out front is a little boy in a plain white t-shirt with what I am pretty sure are blood stains on it, even though I know the staff got him all new clothes when he arrived. I make sure all the kids get new things when they arrive. It’s important they feel clean and well cared for.
He is also wearing tan sweats that are way too short for him. His socks are rolled up and sticking out from the bottom of his pants. Despite the dorky outfit and bloody shirt he looks pretty tough. His arms are crossed over his chest, his foot is cocked to the side and his face is set in a permanent scowl.
I fall in love instantly.
“Oh God,” Logan laughs. “I’m in for it.”
I shoot him a dreamy smile.
“He looks mean,” Jazmine complains quietly.
Logan and I share a look. “Jazmine,” I lean down to her level, “Dusty has had a rough time so you have to be a little patient with him. You know how mom has these,” I point to my scars. “So does Dusty.”
Jazmine’s eyes go wide. “But… he’s so little?”
I feel my eyes tear up and I look to Logan. There is a lump in throat. I struggle to talk. The world is so cruel. Logan see’s me and takes over.
“I know sweetie.” Jazmine looks at her dad, taking his word as authority. “So he can be a little mean sometimes, I’m assuming. You have to show him how to be nice since he never learned. Can you do that for me?”
“Yes. I’m super nice so I can show him.” She cocks her head to the side and looks at Dusty again.
Logan and I both take a deep breath before getting out of the car. We go through our whole routine, with Jazmine getting out last. I worry about Dusty in this life. Will he be able to cope with Logan’s fame? Fuck. Shit.
“You’re shaking babe,” Logan whispers.
“No I’m not.”
Logan smiles and shakes his head.
“Okay whatever. Remember he is an eleven year old.”
Right? Logan, good point. He’s eleven. Fucking eleven. I’m in charge here. I have control over how this turns out. It’s not out of my hands. I feel myself harden up, become the mother I know I am.
I walk up to Dusty first. One of our younger staff members is standing next to him. Her name is Adelyn, but she goes by Addy. She’s so adorable. I fell in love with her during the interview process. Adelyn has rose gold colored hair. I’m not even lying. Her skin is flawless. It’s unfair. It’s the kind of skin every girl would kill for. She has this natural beauty about her. She’s deeply caring and keeps to herself when she’s not with the kids. To say she’s shy would be the understatement of the century. I’ve always suspected she has some kind of past, because she puts everything into her work. Not that working hard is bad, but for her it’s her life. I thought she was going to cry when I hired her. I still remember the moment. I freaking wanted to adopt her. I kind of have. I put her under my wing. If I get to open more foster homes like I hope I can, I’d put her in charge of one.
I sit in my chair, waiting for the next girl. I feel weird interviewing people, but I also have high standards for the people who will work with these kids. The next girl’s name is Addy, Adelyn. She’s super young. Only 21. I didn’t want to even interview this young due to lack of experience, but she put so much heart into her application I knew I had to at least give her a chance. Coming from a girl who would have killed for a chance when I was in my late teens, early 20’s I couldn’t not give her a shot. People gave me one.
“Hello,” I say standing as a young girl with lightly curled rose gold hair walks in. She’s hardly any makeup. In fact that only thing on her face is some light eyeshadow, but she literally looks like an angel. She’s so naturally beautiful.
“Hello Ms. Prescott,” she says with a soft, breathy voice. Her voice is shaking. She’s nervous, but I can tell by her posture she’s trying to be brave. She’s determined.
“Call me Sam,” I gesture to the couch. “Have a seat.” She tucks her light pink skirt under her and sits down.
“You’re nervous.”
“Yes. Im sorry. I… I just really want this. I’m not very good with adults, but I love children.” She stutters and her eyebrows show how panicked she feels about the truth in what she just said. I find myself really admiring that about her.
“I suck with most all people so I get it.”
I knew then I had to hire her. She wanted so bad to have a chance. I’d give it to her. I proceeded with the rest of the interview like she’d didn’t already have the job. I was going to wait a day to tell her she got it but all her limbs were shaking so bad as she walked out I told her right then. Her eyes teared up and she ran into my arms.
“Thank you Sam! Thank you. I won’t let you down.”
Then she walked out looking more confident. I knew I made the right choice.
“Hi Addy,” I say with a smile.
“Hi Sam, Mr. Prescott,” she leans down, speaking with her same breathy soft voice. “Hi Jazzy.” She sticks her hand out and they fist bump. Addy is a hermit and reads all the time, avoiding most people, but she is stellar with kids. All kids love her. Jazmine is no exception.
Finally I summon my courage and turn to Dusty. “Hi Dusty.”
“So I’m staying with you now.” His voice cold and detached. Like this is just another day in his miserable life.
“Uh…” I turn to Logan. I can’t speak. This kid breaks my heart.
“Yes,” Logan says . “It’s good to see you again.”
“I saw you on TV the other day.”
Dusty’s eyes narrow and he shifts forward on his toes. When Logan doesn’t respond he looks at Jazmine and then back at me at then back at Logan. For the first time I see something he so desperately tries to hide, a flicker of vulnerability. Of fear. I knew from the first time I met him his tough guy act was a way to protect himself, but seeing his fear first hand is… well, hard.
“Let’s get home. Sound good Dusty?” I force an encouraging smile.
He shrugs, acting like he doesn’t care when he does. He’s so scared. I look over at Addy. She is looking at Dusty like she wants to hug him and fix his heart. Dusty turns to Addy. They’d bonded in the time Dusty has been in our care at the foster home, as much as Dusty is capable of bonding anyway. When Addy see’s Dusty’s eyes on her she crouches down to his level.
“You’re gonna be so happy with Sam and her family. I know you are. They are gonna take such good care of you. You are one of the lucky ones. I promise Dusty.” Dusty watches Addy, his expression neutral, but I see the awe in his eyes. The desire for her opinion and approval.
My ears hone in on a few of her words. “You are one of the lucky ones. I promise Dusty.” In that moment, I grow to understand Addy. Her workaholism. Her desperation to work here. To belong. Her extremely reserved nature.
She was not one of the lucky ones.
“Am I ever gonna see you again?” Dusty asks. He sounds casual, like he really could care less either way, but both Addy and I know that’s not true. Addy looks at me desperately. Oh God, between the two of them I’m melting. I see Logan frown, but this is my choice. Well, technically it’s Logan and I’s, but…
“Yes, of course you will see Addy again. If that is what you want.”
Dusty gives a curt nod, but the slight drop in his tense shoulders gives him away.
“Can we go now?” Jazmine whines. All our paperwork has been signed. We’ve taken care of everything already so I nod, tentivally. Dusty looks back at the home once before following us to the car. He doesn’t even acknowledge the bodyguard. He doesn’t care.
The car is silent for a while. When it starts to get uncomfortable, it is Dusty who breaks the silence. I realize in that moment how much work we have ahead of us.
“So I guess it’s your house I am going to next.”
Like this is temporary. Just another stop in his miserable life. NO. This is home now. His home. He’ll never, ever have to go through this again.
“Our house,” I say through the lump in my throat. “Our house Dusty.”