Chapter 8 (Sam):
Alex is keeping something from me. I’m sure of it. I’m also pretty sure Rex is in on it. They haven’t said or done anything to indicate a big secret, but I won’t be duped twice. I can tell something is off. Things have been hard lately. I’m worried sick about Alex. Dana has been withdrawn since Gunner left. She’s worried sick, but feels too guilty to admit it. Me, well, Dusty has been a little lovable nightmare. He’s angry and struggling, and Jazmine is giving him hell. They literally cannot get along to save each other's lives and I am concerned. Logan is gone again for work and I feel like I’m barely holding it together. If there’s one thing that stress me out more than other it’s seeing the people I love struggling, and lately I feel like everyone I care about is one step away from a nervous breakdown.
“Mom! Mom!” I hear Jazmine’s high pitched squeal ring throughout the halls. “Dusty is being mean.”
Dusty pops his head in the room. “She’s an annoying little shit.”
I want to laugh, because, honestly, I am so freaking in love with this kid and his mouth, but I have to be a mom first. I want him to be a good man like Logan. Condoning this behavior would only mean failure and that terrifies me. I don’t want him to be this angry and cold forever. I’d hate myself. My mom didn’t fail me.
“We do not use language like that in this house Dusty.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you and Logan have never cursed.”
I take a deep breath. “Jazzy, sweetie, can Dusty and I have a private moment?”
Jazzy huffs and walks out of the room. I see Dusty stiffen. All traces of the relaxed, toughness from before is gone. He’s scared.
“Dusty, I’m not going to hurt you,” I say softly. “But I do have to explain something to you.”
I can tell he doesn’t believe me. He continues to stay stiff, straight. All he gives me is a curt nod.
“Dusty, you are eleven. What is okay for me and what is okay for you are two different things. I don’t set these rules to be annoying or to control you, I set them so you can grow up to be a good man.” I pause debating what I am going to say next.
“I don’t want you to grow up to be like the man who did this.” I run my hand over one of my scars and then one of his. “Do you understand? It’s because I care that I set these rules. I really love you Dusty. I get you don’t trust me yet. I didn’t trust my mom either when I first moved in with her, but I won’t ever quit on you. Okay?”
He stares at me at for a moment, I see flickers of his eleven year old vulnerability in his eyes. His desire to loved. He gives me a soft nod and I nod back.
“That’s all then kid. I have to meet with you and Jazzy’s teacher today.”
He walks right out of the room without saying a word. I sigh and put my face in my hands. I miss my mom a ton in right now. My head falls back and I look up at the intricate painted swirls on the ceiling.
“Help me mom,” I whisper. Then, because I have no privacy, Jazmine walks in.
“What are you doing?”
My gaze immediately snaps over to her.
“Nothing, just talking to my mom.”
“Your mom?” she asks with wide eyes.
“Yeah Jazzy, my mom. She’s not here anymore, but sometimes I talk to her.”
“Huh. Weird.”
I give a sad laugh. “Yeah. I wish you could have known her. Anyway sweetie, get dressed we get to go to your school today.”
“Okay! I'm going to wear my pink dress today. Jessie will be there.”
Then she sprints out of the room, positively glowing.
“Wait! Who’s Jessie?” I yell across the hall. “Jazzy, who is Jessie?”
She either ignores me or is already in her room trying on her dress. I swear sometimes Jazmine is just like me and other times I wonder if she is even mine at all. Dusty appears about five minutes later in his staple plain white t-shirt and army green cargo shorts. I can’t wait for Dusty to meet Gunner. They dress totally alike. Complete style twins.
“Is this okay?” he asks somewhat timidly. I try to hide my surprise, but then realize this is probably the first time a parent has shown any interest in his schooling.
I walk up to him and ruffle his hair. “You look like you. It’s perfect kiddo.”
He shrugs, but I see the slight smile and the spark that comes to life in his eyes. I make a mental note to give him casual compliments more often. He seems to really treasure them.
“Is that what you are gonna wear?” He looks me up and down and cocks an eyebrow.
“What’s wrong with what I am…” I look down at my baggy grey sweatpants and sweaty green t-shirt. “Okay point taken kid. Changing now.”
Dusty legit smirks at me as I walk out of the room. I love that he feels brave enough to call me out. It brings a smile to my lips because not only did he feel comfortable enough to say what he did, but he was respectful in the way he approached it.
The slight relief I feel disappears quickly.
“No it’s not. Mom! MOM!”
I sprint into the living room in my socks, jeans and oversized t-shirt that I threw on quickly.
“What’s wrong?”
I immediately look around for any sign of injury, danger or damage. I’m a mom so my head always goes to the worst possible scenario. Jazmine has her hands on her hips and is teary eyed. Dusty is wearing that cold, detached look I have come to know only means trouble.
Not again. Jesus. Can’t these two get along for five minutes? It hurts me, and freaking scares me. I can’t fail at this. Not at motherhood.
“Dusty made fun of my dress. He’s so mean mom. He said no one would like it.”
Her lower lip wobbles as she lightly fidgets with the hem of her frilly pink dress. I stare at her dress and then at back him. I try to let my eyes reflect how disappointed I am in him.
“You know what I can’t deal with this every five seconds. Soon there will be punishments for both of you if you don’t start getting along. Dusty, apologize to your sister so I can finished getting dressed.”
Dusty mumbles some sort of apology. It’s not nearly acceptable, but before I lose it with both of them I walk out of the room. I hear them going at it the moment I'm gone. I can’t even deal with this right now so I just let them go. Long as no one gets hurt them, whatever, let them yell. They’ll get tired eventually.
I throw myself in record time, shoot Dana a reassuring text and try not to think about Alex to be honest. I can’t stress about her right now right now to be honest or I’ll combust. She has Rex at least, for now.
Finally, I am able to get everyone in the freaking car. That feels like a small miracle. I blast the radio the moment we are inside hoping to prevent a fight from breaking out. I can’t listen to them right now. I will literally fall apart. I haven’t slept much since Logan left. I don’t want to deal with the nightmares alone, so to say my mood is less than pleasant is a bit of an understatement. The volume of the radio silences both of the kids, much to my relief. They don’t fight until we are actually outside of the car, but stop once we get inside the school.
The way the parent teacher meetings are set up at this school is strange. The parents take turns going in, while we wait the parents mingle the kids play on the play on the playground and soccer fields. I hate it, because I’ve never felt like I fit in with the other moms. Well, it’s not just a feeling. I don’t. I mean for starters I am married to Logan Prescott. Once they realized I was not going to talk about our private life or talk about anything they could gossip about later they were not happy. That was strike one. Then they realized I was kind of a bitch, wore t-shirts pretty much 24/7 and didn’t hide the fact that I was constantly stressed out and running late. I was not the ‘celebrity fiance’ they hoped for. Let’s just say I was out of their clic after that. I thought high school was bad. Geesh. You should see elementary school parents. It’s like high school all over again.
Since then my standoffish attitude has only pushed me further out of the loop. Not that I ever really wanted to be in it. Especially once I heard what they were saying behind my back. I immediately hated them then. They didn’t know I was rounding the corner and I heard a group of women, the PTA moms, gossiping about my scars behind my back. It is none of their freaking concern! And how rude to say to make fun of someone’s scars when they have no clue I got them? I cried to Logan that night. That is one of the few things people could say that could actually get to me. Anyway, safe to say I’d never be a designer wearing, wine drinking type of girl. I wanted to stand up to them, to show them why Logan married me, but it was hard enough finding a school I could send Jazmine to without the paparazzi finding out and swarming her. I wouldn’t ruin that just because I was bitter. That’s what I had Logan and Dana for. To vent.
There’s a lot of hustle and bustle as we arrive until everyone naturally finds their place. The kids run off to play, the moms gather by the tables and I awkwardly stand to the side and watch the kids. I don’t care what people think of me, but it is an unsettling feelings knowing people are talking smack about you right on the other corner of the field. I watch Dusty and Jazmine nervously. Jazmine is out in the field playing with a group of girls. They are playing some game and keep running up and down the hill. She could care less that she is in a nice dress. She is running freely. I love her like this. Then glance over at Dusty. He is talking with a group of guys. He’s popular, which isn’t surprising actually based on his attitude, but it still a relief. At least he doesn’t need to deal with shit at school too. I sit back for a while and observe. Ten minutes later a harsh voice catches my attention.
“That’s such an ugly dress Jazmine! Oh what, daddy can’t save you.”
I see Jazmine’s eyes water and she tugs at her dress self consciously. I feel fury run through my veins. I want to jump in and protect her from their cruel words, but have to stay back and let my daughter fight her own battles. I know it will make her stronger in the end, but it’s killing me to know she is getting made fun of for who her father is. Logan is going to be furious when he finds out. I watch with a breaking heart. I see the other mom’s glancing their way, but none of them bother to interfere or stop their kids. They pretend they don’t see. I want to bitch slap all of them for being so jealous and cruel, but somehow I stay contained. I use the skill I used back in the day. I think of what my mom would do, not to say that my fists aren’t balled up by my sides ready to strike if they ever said a word to Jazmine. I watch helplessly for a few moments. Then one of the kids pushes Jazmine to the ground. I am totally ready to jump in there, when I hear a firm voice directed at them. I look slightly to the left and see Dusty approaching, looking pissed but calm.
“Hey! That’s my sister you are picking on. Back off!”
One of the larger kids steps up in his space, but Dusty stays strong, totally unphased.
“Back off,” he repeats and the kids do. Then he walks over to Jazmine and extends his hand. Her eyes are watery, but she takes his hand. He helps her to her feet and says something to her. She gives him a shaky nod and he nods back, and walks off. The events of the rest of the day don’t matter. I don’t think my heart has ever felt more full than it did in that moment. I see Dusty glance over at me, secretly asking for my approval. My hands are shaking, but I manage to put my hand over my heart and smile. He nods and me and goes back to his friends. There’s hope. There is fucking hope for him.
As soon as we get home everything goes back to normal. Jazmine and Dusty continue to fight like cats and dogs as if what happened at school that day never occured. It doesn’t matter to me as much anymore though, because I know they love each other. I know that if shit hit the fan they would have each other’s back, and that’s what matters. That they are never alone. Everyone needs to be reminded of that sometimes, including me. Since getting taken I want as many people around around Jazmine, and now Dusty too, as possible. People who love them and would protect them with their lives.
Logan and I get a chance to talk the next morning. I tell him about what happened at the playground first thing. Of course Logan being Logan, and not having been there, is way more preoccupied with the fact that someone was bullying his daughter than the beauty that took place after, but I get through to him eventually. I think it brings him just as much relief as it does me. A few hours after I get off the phone with him I get a call from Rex.
“Hey Sam, can Alex and I come over?” Rex sounds tired and stressed to the max.
“Is Alex okay?”
“I’m fucking fine,” she yells over the speaker
“You’re on speaker.”
“Gee, thanks. I didn’t realize. I love when people put me on speaker without letting me know. Yeah, come on over. I’m a mess, my house is a disaster and the kids are screaming at each other, but if you can deal with all that then mi casa es su casa.”
“What happened to all the money Logan is racking in. Get a fucking housekeeper Sam.”
“I have one. I just… not enough I guess. I don’t know. If feels weird having someone else clean up my shit. I mean it’s my shit to clean”
Alex laughs loudly. “You are a multi, multi, multi, multi multi millionaire now Sam. Get used to buying worthless shit.”
“Not that many multis,” I laugh. “See you in a few minutes guys.”
“Bye Sam,” Rex says. I can tell he is amused by the two of us.
As soon as they hang up I try and clean my house and get my shit together. Jazmine is in her room watching Disney Channel. I start to wonder where Dusty is when he appears in front of me out of nowhere. I jump back when he approaches, and put my hand over my racing heart.
“Jesus kiddo. You scared me.”
He winces. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Dusty is very fragile with me. I think it’s because of my scars. He knows what kind of damage that can do to someone's head.
“It’s okay. What’s up?”
“I was just bored,” he shrugs. “Jazmine is in her room so I can’t pick on her. I don’t know what else to do.”
I snort. “You need to find other hobbies than picking on your sister Dusty.”
He shrugs. I lean down and told ahold of shoulders. He barely flinches. I inwardly celebrate the small victory.
“I never told you how proud I was of you the other day.”
A mix of humiliation and pride crosses his face.
“I can’t tell you what it meant to me, and what I know it meant to Jazmine, for you to have her back like that.” I stand up and pat his back. “Thank you. I love you very much Dusty.”
His eyes go wide, but he says nothing. He freezes on the spot. I laugh to myself, because I remember that was pretty much the same reaction I had when my mom told me she loved me all those years ago.
Ding. Dong. Ding.
The doorbell. I shake Dusty’s hair and let him off the hook. I walked out of the room feeling really at peace and happy. That is until I open the door, and felt the energy pouring off of Rex and Alex\\.
“Uh, come in,” I say, eyebrows furrowed. Both of them looked relatively calm, but exhausted.
“Sit.”
I gesture to the couch. Once everyone is seated Dusty walks back in the room. When he saw the look on everyone’s faces he mumbles something and walks right back out. I try to hold in my laughter. Damn, I love that kid. I shake my head and turn back to Rex and Alex.
“I see you were at the lake,” I say gesturing to Alex’s wet hair. A small smile plays on her lips. I instantly know her and Rex had the same experience I had at the lake with Logan there, but neither of them look truly happy.
“Sam,” Alex says carefully, “I’m leaving in the morning.”
“I mean I figured you were going back to Missouri with Rex. I’ve prepared myself for that. I’ve accepted the fact I’m losing you and Dana.”
“You’re not,” Alex whispers. She looks up at me, and there are tears in her eyes. Barely there, but I see them. Rex is looking at his lap with clenched fists. I instantly know there is more to this.
“What is it?” I stiffen.
“Sam.” Alex looks up at me. Woman to woman. No longer the young, naive girls we were in Wisconsin.
“Gunner is going after Pytor, as you know, but, um, I’m gonna be gone for a while.”
“Gone?” I yell, trying to keep my ass planted in my seat.
“Pytor needs to think he’s won or Gunner will never be able to take him down. I’ll never have peace until he’s gone. He’ll kill again. He’ll find a way to hurt me. I need the peace. I need him gone. Not to mention, Gunner won’t stop now that he has started, no matter what.”
I feel like my head is spinning. Images of my kidnapping flash through my head.
“No. No!” I yell. “I won’t let that happen to you. Do you hear me? Fuck no! Fuck!”
I stand up. I can feel that I am losing it. It is like the day my doctor told me to let me mom go.
“Alexa, Alex, you can’t.”
Alex stands up and grabs my hands. “There’s a plan Sam.”
“Can’t we ever go to the fucking cops. Fucking hell! How do we get wrapped up with these men? I won’t let anything else happen to you! I fucking won’t.”
My lungs feel like they are constricting. I can’t stop the flashes of Dana’s panicked face as we were packed in the van.
I only stop because Rex grabs my shoulders and forces me to look at him. “Sam listen to me. Dusty is in the room!”
I calm my breathing and look at Dusty who is staring at me with a disconnected look in his eyes. Shit! I can’t deal with all this. I go over and kneel in front of him with shaking limbs.
“Can you go hang with Jazzy for a little while sweetie?”
“Why do you need the cops?” His voice is cold.
“No, everything is fine.”
He absentmindedly runs his finger along one of my scars. I’ve come to learn its a way he connects with me.
“You are lying.”
“Yeah, I am, but I need you to trust me. I will handle this, but I need a minute with my friends.”
I’m thinking honesty and not treating Dusty with kid gloves when he is already so grown up is the best way to handle this with him.
“Fair, but you have to promise to tell me if you are going to get hurt.”
He’s scared of losing me. My eyes water. I never thought I’d earn his compassion. Especially so quickly. Is it even possible to love someone this much?
“I promise kid.”
“We have a deal.”
With that he walks out of the room. I let my head fall into my hands. I don’t even get up. I feel finger curl around my shoulder. It’s Alex.
“Sam please. I need you to be okay. I have to do this.”
“I…” I look back, checking for Rex.
“Rex is giving us privacy.”
“He’s a good guy Alex.”
“He’s the best. He’s my best friend. Oh sorry,” she smirks. “You’re close.”
“I like Logan better than you too bitch.”
She laughs, but it doesn’t last long.
“Call Logan. Get therapy. Do what you need to do, but this needs to happen. I trust Gunner and Rex as much as I can with this.”
“Is that why Rex has been looking like shit?”
Alex nods. We spend the rest of the day drinking and hanging out, not discussing anything deep. I check on Dusty and Jazmine once in awhile. I’m relieved to see them getting along for the moment. Dusty is helping Jazmine understand the new sports video game I bought him. She seems to be loving it, which is funny and unlike her. I know Dusty is only making such a great effort, because he saw me so upset, but at this point I don’t care. I am just happy they are getting along. I need all the help I can get. When Alex and Rex leave I hug the shit out of them, mainly Alex. I whisper in Rex’s ear that he better take care of Alex or I’ll cut his dick off. He doesn’t even laugh, just nods. I feel weird leaving Alex. I want to snatch Alex back inside and protect her, but I can’t.
As Alex walks out she turns to me.
“Don’t tell Dana. Please. She sacrificed her lover boy for this. Don’t let her worry about me too. I’ll be back. Promise me Sam.”
For once I agree with her so I make the promise. Then she’s just gone. I take a vase off the shelf and slam it to the floor. I hear the door shut upstairs, and I know it's Dusty protecting Jazmine from my pain. I don’t even have time to think about what a horrible mother I am being. Not Alex too. Not her. I pull on my hair and run to the restroom and vomit. The memory of my rape comes back in full force. Why can’t I get over this? Why? It’s cruel to make me relive it so regularly. Once was more than enough! I look at my scars. My heart seizes when I realize I feel like I did that day at the hospital when I slit my wrists. I take my phone, hands shaking nearly as fast as my heart, and text Logan.
“9-1-1.”
That’s all I say, and it’s all I need to because Logan calls me two minutes later.
“Sam what’s wrong?”
The concern is evident in his voice.It’s very unlike me to ask for help, especially when he’s out of town. Usually I suck it up until he gets back. That thought sends fear racing through my spine. What if I am losing my strength, my fight?
“Logan. I can’t do this anymore. Alex… ” I start crying.
“Sam please talk to me. I’m really worried. I’ll fly back. Talk to me.”
I debate asking him to come back, but I know I’d be asking him to forfeit his movie. He didn’t sign up for a weak woman. He chose me because I’m strong. I mean I’m not pretty, it is my strength that drew him in.
I clear my throat. “Alex is just struggling. That’s all,” I lie. “I’m sorry I called. Go back to work. I’m fine.”
“Sam,” he snaps. “Don’t feed me bullshit. You texted me 911. That is not like you at all.”
“I… just drop it Logan.”
He sighs. “Sam. Are you safe?”
“I’m safe.”
“Can you call your therapist? Can it wait until I get home? I feel like an ass. You know I’ll come home if you need me.”
“No. Shoot your movie. I’ll be fine.”
“You know I love you right? You, Jazmine and now Dusty. You are my family. Remember that Sam. That’s number one over everything.”
“I know.” I swallow.
With that we hang up. It’s a shame I consider Alex my family too. Logan’s gonna kill me, but I can’t let something happen to her. Suddenly the strength I’ve felt only two other times in my life washes over me; the drive that led me to take care of my mother and protect Dana. That same motherly instinct that have me jumping in front of a bullet for my kids takes over.
Yeah. Like hell Alex is going with that bastard again.
Not on my watch.