Chapter 9 (Alex):
We are officially back in Missouri. It feels so different this time. It feel heavy. It’s just me and Rex now. Well, me Rex and the knowledge of what is about to go down. Rex and I are in his car, but he hasn’t said a word about where we are going. He spoke to Gunner earlier and hasn’t said a damn word about that either. I’m trying to reign in my temper, but I’m pissed and scared. So is Rex. We are in the perfect climate to have an all out fight. As much as I love a good fight and feel it is the perfect fucking stress reliever, Rex is not the person I want to have it with. Not right now. Not with everything going on.
“Where are we going Rex?”
Rex’s clenches his jaw. He’s white knuckling the steering wheel.
“Somewhere I visit often.”
My breath catches in my throat.
“Where Rex? Where the hell are you taking me?”
He glances over at me quickly. “We are gonna visit Mia’s grave. You need to go Alex. You need to accept what happened. I'm doing this to help you. Nothing else, I swear.”
“You saw how well that worked out with Dana Rex! No, no freaking way. I’m not ready. I’m not.” I blink back tears. “I can’t. Rex please,” I whimper.
His eyes are glistening with tears too. He squeezes his eyes tight trying to get rid of them, but we both know that sometimes the tears will just keep falling no matter how hard you try to fight it. The pain just runs too deep.
“Alex, we have to do this. I have one day with you. Gunner wants you to meet with Anatoli and Tobias tomorrow. I thought of all the different things we could do, but making peace with that past, helping you move forward kept coming to the top.”
My cheeks are wet with tears now. I feel them dribbling down my cheeks. I pull my knees into my chest.
“I don’t want to Rex. I don’t want to.”
Rex’s face is contorted in pain. “I’m sorry sweetie. I really am, but I think we have to.”
I say nothing the rest of the ride. I can’t help but think of Mia. The girl who died for me. It hurts so fucking bad. I wish I could rip my own heart out to save hers. I almost can’t take the pain. I put my head in my knees and try to breath. Rex rubs my back soothingly. Nothing will ever help this. Nothing will make it right.
“How’s Blaze?” I finally ask with a croaky voice.
“Alex, why hurt yourself further?”
“I need to know Rex. I’ll find out one way or another.”
Rex’s jaw tightens even further. “He’s doing as well as expected Alex. He’s an angry man.”
I shut my eyes so I can somewhat control my voice.
“Has he… moved on?”
Rex turns to look me dead in the eye. “He never will sweetie. She was it for him. You don’t know Blaze’s full story, nor is it my place to tell you, but I will say that no one will accept him as fully as Mia did. She like saw right through all his bullshit and straight into his heart. She had a gift.”
I stop asking questions after that. It hurts. I can’t handle it. I’m not strong enough. I wish I could make it up to Blaze to Rex. I wish I could ake their pain go away, but Rex is entirely too forgiving and Blaze hates me with a fiery passion. He hated me before. I can’t even imagine how he feels about me now. We say nothing else until we get to the cemetery. Rex parks. I don’t move. He glances my way before coming around to my side and opening the door for me. I continue staring straight ahead. I’m really not trying to be stubborn this time, I just don’t want to face it. I can’t make her death real. It feels like someone is pressing a searing iron rod to my heart.
Rex extends his hand out to me. I slowly start to uncoil, and place my hand in his. He looks at my hand and then up at me.
“I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t think it was important. Mia would want you here. She loved you like a sister. We’ll…” he chokes, as a fear falls down his face, “we’ll do this together.”
“I know. To both of the things you said.”
Rex looks somewhat relieved to hear that. He lets go of my hand, and I follow him through the seemingly endless rows of gravestones. I swallow. So much death. I wonder how all these people died. Were they young? Did they suffer like Mia did? Was it just as unfair? Will it be my name on one of those gravestones soon? It should have been a long time ago…
“Alex. Alex. We are here.”
I shake my head and force my legs to stop moving. I get swallowed by blackness when I look down at the grass below me.
Mia Carter
Beloved sister, daughter and fiance
1986-2015
“Her life is a beautiful memory.
Her death a silent grief.”
I feel different reading her gravestone. I feel gentle. Hurt. So grateful to this woman who loved so freely. I lean down and run my fingers over her name. Tears flow freely down my face. I don’t even bother to stop them. For some reason that feels like it would be an insult to her memory. What did she have to endure because of me? My heart is literally on fire. Burning. I fall back and sit over her grave. I totally forget about Rex, and for once I just let myself talk. Cry. Feel for somebody other than myself.
“Thank you for loving me Mia.”
My voice is cracked and broken. I feel so horrible.
“I’m sorry I never showed you I loved you too. I’m sorry I left you at the mall that day. I’m sorry I went back on my promise. Thank you for taking me to the hospital when I had that really bad burn. It hurt more than I let on, you know? Thank you for seeing that, and keeping my secret.”
I let out a bitter laugh and wipe the snot from my face.
“I miss you so much. It’s unfair. I’m sorry you had to die for me.”
A choked sob escapes, and I curl myself up and cry. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts! Help. I feel a hand on my shoulder. Rex crouches down next to me. He pulls me into his side and I put my head on his shoulder and dig my fingers into his waist like he can save me from drowning in this.
“It’s okay to cry Alex. It’s okay sweetie. She’d be so happy you were here.”
I don’t let up. I just cry and cry until my throat burns and my body tries to lull itself to sleep.
. “It’s not fair Rex. I didn’t want this to happen I swear. I swear. If I would have known… ”
“It’s not your fault sweetie.”
“I would have died for her!”
“I know that Alex.”
“Blaze doesn’t. He doesn’t know. I didn’t want him to lose her.”
I hiccup instead of crying this time.
“You can’t go by what Blaze thinks. He’s angry and hurting. You’ve been there too, remember?”
“I know. I just... Rex, how am I ever going to be okay? That’s so selfish, but how can I be okay when so many others aren’t because of me? There’s no getting over all this. Even if by some miracle we stop Pytor I’ll never be okay. I was okay living a lie, but I can’t go back to that now that everyone knows the truth. I can never have a good future Rex.”
“Look at me right now Alex. I don’t ever want to hear you say that. You hear me? You don’t know what the future holds. People are fighting for you. People care. You need to fight too.”
I look over at Mia’s grave. “Rex, I’m tired of fighting. I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel. I fight and fight and I always end up in the same place.”
“I know, but someday you’ll break the cycle and all this fight will be worth it.”
I don’t answer him. I know I won’t be okay, but it's not fair to tell him that so I just don’t say anything.
Once we are back in the car I choose a different tactic. I try and talk Rex’s fucking ear off. I don’t want to let on how much I am hurting, although I am sure he knows. He knows my defense mechanisms by now.
“So the next thing we are gonna do,” he says, cutting off my non stop rambling. “You won’t like at first, but I have a feeling this is going to be a great thing for you.”
“What now Rex?” I groan. “My emotional bank is shot.”
His lips curl up in amusement, but the pain is still there, right on the surface.
“Just trust me for once. Please.”
“I do trust you.”
Rex grabs my hands and squeezes it. We drive down the road to a suburban neighborhood.
“Really, where are we?”
Rex just smiles to himself and pulls into a driveway. The house is white with red trimming, and tulips in the perfectly manicured front yard. I open the door and get out of the car. I am super confused as to where we are. Slightly nervous, but more confused than anything else. All I know is Rex looks happy, and pretty excited so that makes me happy. I follow him to the door, and he rings the doorbell. I can see him grinning from ear to ear.
“She doesn’t know I’m coming,” he whispers.
“Wh…” The question is answered when the door swings open. Instantly I am paralyzed. In front of me is an older woman with shaggy black hair, warm eyes and a short build. Rex practically jumps on her.
“Mom.”
He wraps her in a hug. I wrap my arms around my waist and take several steps back. I killed this woman’s child. I’ve never debated running away so heavily. Honestly I would if my legs weren’t shaking so bad.
“I missed you honey.”
“Missed you too mom. Sorry it's been a while. Things have been crazy to say the least.”
Rex’s mom lets go of Rex and turns to face me. I swallow. I feel like I am going to vomit. I could kill Rex for springing this on me. They are looking at me; Rex and his mom, and I can’t move or talk. It’s too much. Too much, too fast and the guilt. I feel like my legs are going to give out.
“Hello Alex sweetie,” Rex’s mom says warmly.
I can hear she’s nervous too. Rex walks over and puts his hand under my arm to steady me. I think he can tell I am about to faint. Rex’s mom watches the both of us and waits for my response. When she realizes I am not going to say anything, or can’t say anything, she doesn’t let it deter her.
“Let’s all head inside. It will be way more comfortable there than my porch.”
She steps back and holds the door open wide for us. Rex helps me inside, because I am still apparently incapable of moving. He sets me on the couch too for good measure since I'm clearly incapable of functioning on my own right now. Ms. Carter sits across from Rex and I. There is some small talk between Rex and his mom, how much they've missed each other and all that. He tells her we visited Mia, to which she just nods solemnly. The pain is clearly still right on the surface her. I mean she watched her own daughter get tortured and the murdered. How do you heal from that? How is she still so loving to Rex? This is my breaking point. I feel the emotions build inside me like a volcano. They are in mid conversation when I start blurting things out. I totally cut Rex off too, by accident.
“Ms. Carter I’m so sorry. I shouldn't be here. It’s my fault. I’m so sorry.”
I’m crying and nauseous. I’m so disgusted with myself I can barely take it. My head is between my knees and my legs are bouncing a mile a minute.
“Rex, hun, can Alex and I have a minute?”
“Yes ma’am.”
Rex squeezes my shoulder before walking out of the room. I hear Ms. Carter get up, but I am too busy trying to hide from her to see where exactly she is going. A minute later I feel two soft hands on my knees.
“Alex sweetie. Please look at me.”
I feel like a five year old. I shake my head and keep my face safe in my lap.
“Please sweetie. I’m not mad at you. I don’t blame you for anything. Please let me see those eyes of yours. Come on baby.”
I don’t know what it is. Something about her kindness, her motherly tone gives me bravery. I never really had a mom so I respond instantly. I slowly peel my face off my knees. I know there is snot all over my face, my eyes are red and tear stained, but I know she won’t care. Ms. Carter grabs my chin and looks at me lovingly.
“There they are.”
I sniffle. I honestly feel like such a child in this moment.
“I’m sorry Ms. Carter,” I mumble. “I’m really, really sorry. I honestly didn’t know. I swear.”
“Listen to me. First, I/m gonna get off this floor because I’m old and my knees hurt. Second, we are gonna talk woman to woman. I know everything Alex, and I do mean everything. Rex told me.”
My eyes go wide. She knows everything? I’m gonna kill Rex! As Ms. Carter uses my knees to push herself up she shakes her head.
“I can almost hear your thoughts Alex. Don’t be mad at Rex. He did the right thing telling me the truth after all these years. I only wish I’d known sooner.”
With a huff Ms. Carter takes a seat next to me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more intimidated than I do in this moment. I know first hand how deep a mother's love can run. I didn’t even get to meet my child, and I would have jumped in front of a moving train to save her. I can’t even imagine how Ms. Carter feels.
“The first thing you should know Alex is Mia never blamed you. Not once. In fact, quite the contrary. She felt so sorry for you. She knew this what was happening to us would destroy you, and she made me promise if I got out of there and she didn’t I’d be sure you were okay. That I would treat you like you were my own daughter. She told me quite a bit about your life and what you’ve been through. It wasn’t until Rex called me that I understood everything. Alex, hun, I am so sorry I didn’t reach out to you like I should have. I should have never let you shoulder everything alone. Not after what Mia told me. I was struggling with the loss of my daughter, and then to deal with the anger in my son. I didn’t know where you were, and to be frank, I was overwhelmed. Rex was so angry at you. I knew what he was saying wasn’t true, but I was so devastated I couldn’t help but absorb some of what he was saying. What those monsters did to you was cruel. You didn’t ask for this to happen. I really need you to hear me on this.”
“Ms. Carter they warned me. They told me they would do something to Rex and his family if I didn’t obey. I tried. I really tried. I don’t know what happened in the end. I just forgot. I broke. I’m so sorry. If I had stayed strong…”
Ms. Carters grabs my hands before I can finish.
“Alex, you aren’t alone in things you have been through. I’ve been raped sweetie, and there’s nothing that breaks a woman, nothing that fucks with her mind more than being violated. And that is just a small tiny piece of the hell you have endured. Your brain snapped. Everyone has a breaking point. Besides, men taking advantage of your fragility and youth and blackmailing you into doing the horrible things, do not qualify what happened as your fault. You are the victim, like Mia, like me, like everyone who has been hurt by these men. And sweetie,” her eyes tear up, “I’m sorry about your daughter.”
My lower lip quivers and we both just stare at each other, understanding the depths of each other’s pain and loss. Ms. Carter pulls me into her arms like I am her own child and I cry. She cries too. We hold onto each other. I hold onto the softness that is a mother’s unconditional understanding. I wish I had opened up more when I was a kid. Maybe someone like Ms. Carter could have done something. Maybe someone could the trail of pain and loss that have followed me all these years, but I didn’t. My heart breaks for that little girl inside of me. The inner child I never got to meet. Ms. Carter cries for her losses, her pain. Finally, we both pull away with red, puffy eyes. She gives me a soft smile.
“So you and Rex, huh?”
I duck my head and try to hide how red my cheeks just turned. “Uh…”
Ms. Carter laughs. “Mia would be so happy. She wanted you guys to stay together so bad. I’m not kidding she talked about it all the time.”
“She did?”
Her mom laughs. “Oh yeah. She, what’s the word, “shipped” you guys. She always told me you guys didn’t even need a ship name because your names were so close already.”
“Oh my gosh,” I laugh and cover my face. “She would say that!”
We both laugh. It feels so good to talk about the good times with Mia verses mourning her loss. I know Mia would like that too. Ms. Carter smiles at me and grabs my hand.
“Let go of your guilt. None of this is your fault. Someone should have protected you too.”
“Thank you for not hating me. I don’t want to lose Rex and you mean the world to him.”
“I’m glad you and Rex have each other. I still remember you two as kids. He talked about you all the time. He thought you were so cool.”
She laughs. I laugh too. That’s so funny to think about now. Mid laugh I feel Rex in the room. Sure enough he is standing in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest.
“There’s a lot of laughing in here for two women having a heart to heart.”
I giggle. No clue why. I'm just happy. Ms. Carter squeezes my hand one last time before letting go. Rex comes to sit across from us. He looks over at me.
“You good sweetie?”
I totally freaking blush that he just called me sweetie in front of his mom!
“Uh-huh. Thank you,” I mumble. He laughs and looks over at his mom with so much admiration it takes me breath away. His eyes are bright. He looks so happy in this moment, seeing the two of us getting along. I don’t want this to end. I love this false reality. The one where I have a family, love, people who actually give a damn.
But the truth is that tomorrow I will meet with two assassins to discuss how and when I am going to get taken by the man who destroyed my life.
That is my real life. It always has been. Everything else is just a blurb, a push to keep going, to keep fighting for God knows what reason.
My happiness is fleeting. I am forever grateful for Ms. Carter’s undeserved forgiveness, but my hell isn’t over. It will never be over. I eat with them. I laugh with them, but on the inside I’m screaming.
I’m not ready to face tomorrow.
I’m not ready to open that chapter of my life again.