Chapter Twelve

 

The following day, Gunnar was sitting in his home studio with his bandmates. He’d asked them to stop by so they could talk about the album. He knew they were expecting a brainstorming session, not for him to blindside them with his epiphany.

“So most of you know that I’ve spent the last few weeks with Gianna and the kids,” Gunnar said, clasping his hands as his eyes circled the room, taking in the men who had been like his brothers for the past two decades.

“Yeah, how’d that go?” his drummer, Mikey, asked.

“It was good. Real good.” In spite of their blow-out, Gunnar felt confident they’d all been more real with each other on this trip than they’d ever been before. “Made me put some things in perspective.”

Rich raised an eyebrow, looking concerned. “What kind of things?”

“We started out all chasing the same dream.” He gestured around them, to the studio that boasted state-of-the-art equipment. “And look where we are now. Living it.”

There was a smile or two amidst the nods of agreement.

“Yeah, livin’ the dream, boss,” Rich said, chuckling.

“Except this isn’t my dream anymore,” Gunnar said, watching their smiles fade. “It was. For a hell of a long time, it was. And I’m so grateful I got to see it come true. But I’m not that same high-strung, driven teenager I was when we first formed this band.”

“Is this because of Gi?” Mikey asked. “Did she convince you to—”

“She didn’t convince me to do anything.” He knew there would be a lot of questions regarding his decision, and many people would likely point the finger at Gianna, but he refused to let her shoulder any of the blame. He planned to be clear with everyone that it was his decision. “This is all on me, guys.”

“What is?” Mikey asked, leaning forward. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I need to slow down, figure some things out. And that means gettin’ the hell out of here for a while.” He’d been more relaxed and at peace in Vista Falls than he had been in a long time, and he already missed that feeling. “That doesn’t mean I won’t be working. I will. In fact, I’ve been working on some new songs.”

“Oh yeah?” Rich rubbed his hands together. “Let’s hear ’em.”

He wasn’t ready for anyone to hear the songs just yet. They were too revealing. Anyone who knew what he and Gianna had been through would know he’d written the songs about her, and he just wasn’t ready to share them with anyone yet, not even his best friends.

“They were kinda like therapy for me,” he said, hoping they could understand. “You know me. When I’m feelin’ something, writing about it is the only way I can express it.”

He’d written dozens of songs about his feelings for Gianna over the years. They were tucked safely away in a drawer and he didn’t think they’d ever see the light of day… unless he found the courage to play them for her someday.

“So these songs weren’t for the new album?” Jay, the lead guitarist asked, linking his hands behind his head.

“No, they were different.” Gunnar sucked in a deep breath. “Because honestly, guys, I’m different. I don’t think I can go on makin’ the kind of music we have been for the past twenty years.” He raised his hand when they all started talking at once. “Music’s got to come from the gut, you all know that. You’ve got to feel it, and if you’re not feelin’ it, you’re just pretending. I won’t do that. Not to you guys and not to our fans.”

“So, what kind of music are we talking about here?” Mikey asked.

“I guess you’d call it new country,” Gunnar said, wishing he didn’t have to define it at all. “It’s a little bit country, a little bit rock-and-roll. But I feel really good about it. The lyrics are tight.”

“Are you ever gonna let us hear it?” Jay asked, scowling. “Because so far I’m hearing a hell of a lot of I and not a lot of we.”

Gunnar knew it would come down to this. He’d never been a one-man show and all of his guys had earned their rightful place in the Hall of Fame. With or without him, they would have found a way to make it in this business.

“People change,” he said, thinking how much he’d changed since Gianna left him. “The things that used to be important to me just aren’t anymore.”

“Meaning?” Rich asked, swiping a hand over his face.

“When we first started out, I was desperate to make it. I had something to prove. We all did.” He was sitting on the edge of his desk, gripping the burled wood with hands on either side of his thighs. “And we proved it, guys. We made a hell of a lot of money. Gained legions of loyal fans.” He gestured to the gold and platinum records lining the walls. “And we’ve got the proof. So, what else do we have to prove?”

“What the hell are you talking about, man?” Rich asked, looking him in the eye. “Retiring? You’re too young to retire. You’d go crazy if you weren’t making music.”

“I’ll go crazy if I keep making this kind of music,” Gunnar said, feeling the truth of those words. “It doesn’t fit who I am now. It’s not the kind of music I want to be putting out in the world anymore.” He wanted to write music from the heart, which may mean finding new fans who could relate to him and where he was in his life. “I think you guys should think about getting a new front man.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jay groaned. “You are this band.”

“No, I’m not.” He shook his head. “You guys are. You’re still feeling it. I can tell. You still love doing it, and you should find someone who loves it just as much as you do.” His grim smile told them what his words couldn’t. That it wouldn’t be easy for him to watch someone else take his place. “Other bands have gone out and found new lead singers and it didn’t hurt—”

“Yeah, well this does hurt,” Rich cut in. “This isn’t just about the music and you know it, man. We’re brothers. We swore when we started this band that we’d be in it for the long haul. We all had the same goal.”

“And we attained that goal,” Gunnar said, wishing he could find the words to make them understand how hard this was for him. “I’m just not stoked about world tours and huge stadium shows anymore. I don’t care about big productions or the press. I only care about the music.”

“Have you told anyone else about this?” Jay asked.

“No, I had to talk to you guys first.” His next stop would be their manager’s office and the record label.

His phone rang and Levi’s name flashed across the screen. He hadn’t had a chance to say goodbye to him before he left, so he reached for it instinctively before he set it back down when he realized all eyes were on him. “Uh, just a friend I made while I was away.”

“So, you’re replacing us?” Rich asked. “New friends. New music. New attitude.”

“I didn’t want it to end like this.” Gunnar always assumed these guys would be his friends forever, with or without the music. “I hoped you’d be able to understand.”

“You gotta understand,” Jay said softly. “You kinda blindsided us with this, Gunnar. We expected you to tell us you were ready to get back in the studio. That the vacay had been good for you, but you were climbing the walls with boredom.”

“But I wasn’t,” Gunnar said, thinking about how he’d spent his days in Vista Falls. “That’s the weird thing. I’d been living full throttle for so long there was no way I should have enjoyed the slow lane as much as I did.” He smirked. “I liked everything about it, guys. The town, the people…” He drew a deep, cleansing breath. “They didn’t treat me like I was anybody special and I needed that to remind me of where I came from.”

“Why would you want to remember where you came from?” Rich asked, shaking his head. “You had a shitty life before—”

“Before Gianna.” Gunner’s eyes moved around the room and he needed them to hear this, even if it was the only thing they remembered. “It wasn’t the fame or the money that made my life great. It was her and our girls. I didn’t realize that until they were gone, but I do now.”

“Why can’t you just convince her to come back here?” Mikey asked. “You said yourself Ramsey and Keegan miss their old school and friends. I’m sure if you just put the pressure on Gianna, played the guilt card if you had to—”

“That’s just it,” Gunnar said, reliving all the times he’d played that card with her. “I’m done playing games with her. I’m done asking her to make all the sacrifices while I get to do whatever the hell I want. I’m done being selfish. I want this woman in my life and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to ensure I don’t lose her again.”

The long drive had given him time to think—about the mistakes he’d made, the regrets he had, and what he wanted for his future. A lot of things were still unclear, but the one thing that was crystal clear to him… he needed Gianna.

“Then this is about her?” Jay asked, rolling his eyes. “I should’ve known you wouldn’t bail on us unless—-”

“I’m not bailing on you,” he said, trying to hold his temper. Even if they couldn’t part on friendly terms, he didn’t want it to escalate to a heated argument. “And I already told you I’m not doing this for Gi. I’m doing it for myself and my family. Because, guys, I’ve got to put them first for once.” He looked at each one of them before he asked, “Don’t you get that?”

They all nodded reluctantly, murmuring as they stood.

“I’m not gonna lie,” Rich said, standing in front of them. “This really sucks. We hate like hell to lose you.”

“Yeah,” Jay said. “But we don’t want you to go on doin’ this if you’re not feelin’ it, dude. That wouldn’t be right.”

“I appreciate that.” Gunner smiled, offering Rich his hand. He could finally breathe when Rich pulled him into a back-slapping hug. Even without the music to bond them, they were going to be okay.

 

***

 

Gunnar kicked his feet up on his desk and dialed Levi. “Hey, man,” he said when Levi greeted him. “Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was in a meeting with my band. What’s up?”

“I heard you left town. What the hell? You couldn’t even pass by to say goodbye? Not even a text?”

Gunnar liked that Levi felt comfortable enough to call him out. It proved he thought of him as just another guy, not some big celebrity. “Sorry about that. I kind of got into it with my kids before I left. I was distracted.”

“Say no more. Things okay now?”

“We’re getting there.” He knew they would have more conversations, even more fights, before they finally got it all out in the open. They all had a right to air their grievances and he wanted Keegan and Ramsey to know that’s how he felt. “It’ll take time.”

“Time, huh? You got time on your side or are you headin’ back out on the road?”

“Is that your not-so-subtle way of asking whether I plan to come back to your neck of the woods?”

He picked up the framed family photo on his desk. Gianna had insisted on the photo shoot for their family Christmas card and he’d griped about it the entire time, claiming he was too busy for shit like that. What an idiot he’d been.

“Well…? Do you?”

“Yeah, definitely.”

“Good. When?”

Gunnar chuckled. “Just as soon as I can wrap up a few more loose ends here.” Mainly a meeting with his team, including the record label executives who’d set him on the path to achieving his dreams.

“Does Gianna know that? That she can expect you back, ’cause when I passed by her work earlier to find out whether you were still staying with her, she seemed unsure about your plans.”

He’d called to check in on her while he was driving, but he was too emotionally and physically exhausted to tell her what he’d been thinking. Besides, he wanted to tell her his plans face-to-face, after he’d cut ties to his past.

“She’ll know when the time is right.”

“You think it’s smart to keep a lady like that hanging on?”

“Meaning?”

Levi laughed. “Uh, dude. There may be plenty of women like that where you’re from, but I can tell you they only pass through these parts once in a lifetime, if a guy’s lucky.”

“You’re not telling me that you have a thing for her, are you?” Gunnar let his feet fall to the ground as he sat up, curling his hand around the picture frame. “Because if that’s what you’re tellin’ me, we’re going to have a problem.”

“Relax, man.”

Gunnar could still hear the laughter in his voice and it pissed him off. “Then what are you saying?”

“Our boy Billy doesn’t seem to want to take no for an answer. He was in the flower shop when I passed by, sniffing around your girl again.”

Gunnar set the photo down and pinched the bridge of his nose. “What the hell is it with this guy? Is he a sucker for rejection or what?”

“He’s okay, Gunnar. And you can’t blame him for wanting to capitalize on your stupidity.”

Gunnar smiled in spite of himself. Levi was right. He had been stupid to let Gianna get away. “So, you’re telling me I better get my ass in gear and get back there, huh?”

“The sooner the better, my friend.”

 

***

 

Gianna smiled when Gunnar’s face lit up her screen later that night. “Hey, you,” she said, connecting the call. “FaceTime, huh? I like it.”

“I just needed to see your beautiful face.”

He was leaning against the headboard of their old bed and Gianna’s stomach did a little flip-flop as she remembered all the love they’d made in that bed. “How was your day?”

“I had a meeting with the band. Tomorrow my manager and the execs at the label.”

She was dying to ask about his intentions, but knew he would tell her when he was ready. “How’re the guys?” she asked, referring to his band.

“Itching to get back out on the road,” he said, smiling. “You know them. They get antsy.”

Her heart took a nosedive. So he was going back out on the road… soon.

“But enough about them. Tell me about you guys. Have you had a chance to talk to the girls about what happened the day I left?”

“Of course,” she said, annoyed he would think she’d ignore their bad behavior. “But I know you’ve talked to both of them, so you already know that, don’t you?”

“Baby, you okay? You seem kind of tense.”

She’d really allowed herself to believe that he’d changed, that this time he’d found a way to find a place for them in his busy life. “I’m just tired,” she said, rubbing her forehead. “It’s been a long day and my mother’s coming tomorrow to stay with us for a few days while my father goes on his annual golf trip with his friends.”

“You must be looking forward to her visit,” Gunnar said, his smile strained.

Her parents had never been Gunnar’s biggest fans. They thought he was a selfish egomaniac who cared more about money and the limelight than he did about his family. But they didn’t know him like she did. They’d never seen his softer side.

“I am. It’ll be nice to catch up.”

“Does she, uh, know that I was out there to spend some time with you guys?”

“Yeah, Ramsey told her.” She knew her mother would pepper her with questions about Gunnar’s visit as soon as she walked through the door. “I kind of wished she hadn’t to be honest.”

“You don’t want your mother to know I’m back in your life?”

“Are you…? Back in my life?”

“What kind of question is that?” He glared at her. “When I left, you knew the plan. I was going back home to make things right, to—”

“You don’t owe me an explanation.” Gunnar’s freedom had always been paramount to him. Because of the way he’d grown up, he was a stickler about calling his own shots and not having to answer to anyone. Another reason he’d refused to marry her, she assumed.

“Is this about that photographer? Are you having second thoughts because of him?”

“What does Billy have to do with this?”

“You tell me.”

She didn’t know if she should be pissed or flattered that he finally seemed to care after years of indifference. “There’s nothing to tell. We’re friends, that’s all.”

“Oh yeah? Does he know that? Does he know we slept together?”

“Why would I tell him that?” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Gunnar didn’t have a possessive bone in his body. And even if he did, she couldn’t believe he’d ever be jealous of someone like Billy. “My sex life is none of his business.”

“Maybe he needs to know that you’re taken.”

“Taken?” She felt heat flood her cheeks as she tried to tamp down her anger. “Taken? What the hell am I? Another one of your possessions? I’m off the market now that you’ve staked your claim?” She didn’t want to fight with him, but if they were ever to get back together, there was going to be some ground rules this time because she wasn’t putting up with anymore of his crap.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” He ran his hand through his collar-length hair as he sighed heavily. “I just want us to… I mean I want everyone to know that we’re…”

“That we’re what?” She wanted to hear him say they were a couple again. Then she could ask how he intended to make that happen with a thousand miles between them.

“Dammit, Gi. Why’re you making this so hard for me? You know I’m not good at expressing my feelings.”

“You know what I think?” She stared at the screen, waiting for him to look at her. “I think that’s a cop-out. Sure, your childhood sucked. I get that. But I think you use that as an excuse to avoid emotional attachments because they scare you. I scare you, what you feel for me scares you.”

“You’re right, it does.”

She expected him to laugh in her face, not agree with her. “You don’t think I was scared? I was in love with a man who was the object of every woman’s fantasies. You were on the road more than you were home, and you made it clear you didn’t want to marry me.”

“Was?”

“What?”

“You said you were in love with me. Past tense.”

She couldn’t believe he’d gleaned that one little word from her tirade. “You know what I mean.”

“No I don’t.” His eyes were pleading with her when he whispered, “I can’t do this unless I know for sure that you still love me.”

“Do what?”

“I can’t let myself…” He shook his head. “I just can’t.”

“You’re not making any sense.”

“Have you been having second thoughts about us since I left?”

Second, third, and fourth, but she didn’t want to hurt him by admitting as much. “We both needed time to think, right? Isn’t that what your trip back to L.A. was all about?”

“So you need more time to decide whether I’m right for you?” He sounded incredulous when he asked, “Is that what you’re telling me?”

“I’m telling you we can’t rush into anything.” Though she had rushed back into bed with him, which she now acknowledged may have been a mistake. “We did that once before, remember? Within a week of meeting each other, we were inseparable. Within a few months I was pregnant.”

She must have winced when she said it because he asked, “You think I regret that? Getting you pregnant?”

She’d always wondered if they would have stayed together as long as they had if it hadn’t been for their children. “I don’t know how you feel, Gunnar. You always kept your feelings pretty close to the vest.”

“I am not having this conversation over the phone,” he said, looking irritated. “Just know that I don’t have a single regret about being a dad. And I wouldn’t want anyone else as the mother of my children.”

“Good to know.”

“What the hell?” he asked, his features softening. “How did we get back here? Suspicious. Questioning everything.”

“I don’t know.” But she did know. She’d always questioned her relationship with Gunnar when they were apart. She wasn’t proud of her insecurities, but this man always seemed to bring them out. “Maybe I wasn’t cut out for a relationship like this.” Which was the reason she’d moved to Vista Falls in the first place…. intent on finding someone normal.

“No. You don’t get to check out on me now. Not after all we’ve been through. Damn it, Gi. We made progress while I was there. I opened up to you in a way I never have before. That has to count for something, doesn’t it?”

She heard the desperation in his voice and it cut her to the quick. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she couldn’t risk getting hurt again either. “It does. But—”

“No, no buts. You can’t feed me some bullshit line about how we’re not right for each other. ’Cause you’re the only thing in my life, aside from our kids, that does feel right to me.”

That was the difference between them. She’d finally managed to fit the pieces of her life together. She had a home she loved in a town she loved with a few new friends and a job she enjoyed. The only thing missing in her life was a man to love her and Gunnar taught her a long time ago how to live without that.

“You’re trying desperately to hold on to your past,” she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. “Because you’re afraid of what the future holds. For the first time ever, you’re dissatisfied professionally and because your whole identity is wrapped up in what you do—”

“What the hell are you, a shrink now? You’re really going to sit there and try to psychoanalyze me?”

She knew he was angry. That was always his response when someone told him he couldn’t have something he wanted… not that it happened often. “No, I’m just a woman who knows you and is trying to help.”

“You want to help me? Tell me you’ll still be there, loving me, waiting for me, when I sort this shit out.”

Waiting for Gunnar was the story of her life. “I can’t make any promises and neither can you. How about we both just agree to do what we have to do to make ourselves happy? Maybe then we can figure out whether we’ll finally be able to make each other happy.”