Chapter Sixteen

Gunnar was sitting in Gianna’s living room waiting for his daughters to get home from school. When Gabby’s driver got into a minor fender bender, Gianna got called in to work to deliver a few bouquets, which gave him a chance to be real with his girls.

“Hey, Dad,” Keegan said, looking surprised and guarded when she walked in the door with her sister. “What are you doing here? Where’s Mom?”

“Your mom had to go into work for a couple of hours.” He stood, spreading his arms. “Is that all I get? No hugs?”

Keegan and Ramsey both hugged him before Ramsey said, “You can’t blame us for being surprised to see you. We thought when you went back to L.A. that’d be it. We wouldn’t see you again for months.”

“I went back to tend to some business, that’s all. I never intended to stay.” Though he couldn’t blame them for thinking the worst. He didn’t have a great track record when it came to staying the course.

“So, how long are you staying this time?” Keegan asked, still looking wary as she stood behind an armchair while Gunnar took the couch. “A few days? A week?”

“I bought a little cottage on the other side of the lake. The plan is to fix it up.”

Ramsey eyes widened. “Seriously? You’re staying?”

“That doesn’t mean he’s staying,” Keegan warned her sister, still looking guarded. “Don’t forget, he can afford to buy a piece of property like most people buy shoes. It means nothing.”

“You’re wrong,” he said, looking up at his oldest daughter, who was standing by a stool at the kitchen island, eyeing him suspiciously. “It means something to me. It means I want to be with you guys… and your mom, if she’ll have me.”

“You and mom are getting back together?” Ramsey asked, her high-pitched voice belying her excitement. “For real?”

“Don’t get too excited,” Keegan warned. “If Mom were willing to take him back, he wouldn’t have bought a place of his own.” She looked at Gunnar, challenging him to tell the truth. “Am I right, Dad? She’s not willing to welcome you back with open arms, is she?”

“We still have some things to work out,” he said, determined to let them express their feelings any way they saw fit. He could take it. Hell, he deserved it. “But we can’t do that if I’m in L.A. and she’s here, can we?”

Ramsey came around and sat on the couch beside him. “Well, I’m glad you’re here.” She looked directly at her sister. “And I hope Mom does take you back. So we can be a real family again.”

“We were never a real family,” Keegan said, looking disgusted. “That’s just what he told us so he wouldn’t feel so guilty about bailing on us all the time.”

“I never bailed on you.” He pointed to the armchair next to him. “Will you sit down? Please. Just for a minute. I need a minute. And hopefully that will help you understand.” After opening up to June earlier, he hoped he’d finally be ready to share the same story with his daughters.

“Come on, Kee,” Ramsey said. “Just hear him out.”

“Fine,” she said, heaving a sigh as she dropped in the chair. “But make it fast. I don’t have a lot of time.”

“Okay, then I’ll get straight to the point.” He stared straight ahead, at a black T.V. screen. “So you wanna talk about being abandoned? I was. At four years old. My mother left me at the door of a shelter and never looked back.”

“Dad,” Ramsey whispered, touching his back. “Is that really how it happened? We knew you grew up in foster care, but we just assumed you’d never known your parents.”

“I didn’t know my father,” he said, lacing his fingers. “But I knew my mother. Why’d she leave me?” he asked, answering the question he could see in their eyes. “It’s a long story. One I’ll tell you one day, but the bottom line is, she couldn’t take care of me, so she didn’t feel she had a choice.”

“That’s terrible,” Keegan whispered, her eyes softening. “To be left like that. You must have been so scared.”

“I was.” He bit his lip, trying to keep his emotions in check. He’d gotten good at that. Maybe too good. “And it didn’t take long for me to build up this wall around me. I didn’t think anyone could hurt me if I didn’t let them get too close.”

“That’s why you wouldn’t let Mom get too close?” Ramsey asked.

“It may have seemed that way to you guys,” Gunnar said with a broken laugh. “But believe me, your mom broke down every one of my walls. She had my heart. She just didn’t know it ’cause I was afraid to tell her. I’d never given anyone that kind of power over me before and I didn’t think I could do it.”

“It’s hard to imagine you being afraid of anything,” Keegan said softly. “You’re this larger-than-life guy out there blowin’ up the world. Rocking thousands of people every night. Things that would scare the hell out of most people don’t even seem to faze you.”

It was true, he didn’t have the more traditional fears: air travel, stage fright, or public speaking, but his fear was even more debilitating than all the others combined because it had nearly ruined his life and taken from him the one thing that mattered most to him: his family.

He curled one hand into the other and rested his elbows on his knees. “It’s crazy to think I didn’t deal with it before. I should have. I should never have let it get to the point it did, but—”

“Don’t beat yourself up,” Keegan whispered. “You’re only human.”

“The reason I’m telling you all this now is because I don’t want you to feel abandoned.” He reached for both of their hands as his eyes filled with tears. “I don’t want to discount your feelings ’cause God knows you have a right to them. But I know what it feels like to be abandoned and I’d never want to make either of you feel that way.”

He drew a shuddering breath as he pulled both of their hands against his chest. “I messed everything up. I own that. But I’m trying to make things right. I swear I am. Just know that I gave as much of myself as I could possibly give you. Always. I didn’t hold back with you guys. It may not have been enough, but it was all I had at the time.”

Ramsey laid her head on his shoulder and put her free arm around his neck. “You must have done alright, Daddy. ’Cause we still love you like crazy. Right, Kee?”

Gunnar held his breath as he waited for her response, knowing their love was one of the greatest gifts he’d ever received.

“I’m sorry, Dad,” Keegan whispered as tears spilled down her cheeks.

“Sorry for what?” he asked, wiping away her tears with his thumb after releasing their hands. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one—”

“You gave us everything,” Keegan said, clearing her throat. “And instead of being grateful for that, I focused on the one thing you couldn’t give us. I never asked myself why or considered the fact you were doing the best you could. That’s why I’m sorry.”

“I’m not even sure I deserve you guys,” he said, feeling hot tears burning his eyes. “But I thank God every single day that I get to be your dad. And I swear I’m going to try to do better from now on. I’m not gonna miss out on the important stuff anymore. I’m going to put you first and—”

“Can I make a suggestion?” Ramsey asked, smiling through her tears. “How about you try putting Mom first this time? We’d understand.”

Gunnar chuckled, thinking his teenage daughters were a hell of a lot smarter than he was. It was a good thing he had them to give him advice. “Deal,” he said, kissing the top of Ramsey’s head as he brought her in for a hug.

***

Gianna had been all over town that day. A few private residences, the hospital, nursing home, even the local veterinarian’s office. Apparently, it was the vet’s birthday, so her husband sent her flowers.

By the time she got home, the last thing Gianna wanted to think about was making dinner, so the sight of Gunnar moving around her kitchen while the scent of a rich tomato sauce wafted through the air made her want to kiss him.

“I hope you don’t mind that I made myself at home?” he asked, coming toward her with a glass of white wine.

“You’re a saint,” she said, letting her head fall to his shoulder as he wrapped his strong arms around her. “God, I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too, baby.” He kissed her cheek, then that sensitive spot beneath her ear, making her shiver. “I was thinking we could have some dinner, then maybe go for ice cream and I could show you and the girls my new place.”

“I’d love that, but I think they both have tests this week. They really should stay home and study. Maybe they could see it this weekend?”

“Sure, there’s no hurry.” He grinned. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Hmmm.” She stood on her tippy-toes to kiss him. “I like the sound of that.”

“Then you’re not freaked out that I made all of these decisions without talking to you first?” he asked, settling his hands on her hips. “’Cause I wouldn’t blame you if you were. I want us to be a team, to make decisions together, and that means asking your opinion before I commit to something.”

Gianna was touched, especially since he used to commit to tours where he’d be away from home for months without thinking twice. “Wow, you really are turning over a new leaf, aren’t you?”

“I have to,” he said, looking serious. “The bonehead decisions I made before cost me everything. I’m not going to let that happen again.”

She smiled. I love you was on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn’t force the words past her lips. She did love him. There was no question in her mind about that. But in the past she’d said it only to be met with a blank stare and deafening silence. She couldn’t risk that kind of rejection again.

“So, what are you making for dinner?” she asked, stepping past him as she sipped her wine. “It smells wonderful.”

“Baked ziti.” He chuckled at her look of surprise. “Rich made it on the tour bus one night. It didn’t look so hard, so I thought I’d give it a try. I tasted it and it’s pretty good actually.”

“Well, I’m starving,” she said, setting her glass on the counter. I think I’ll go say hi to the girls and get changed, unless you need some help.”

“No, I’ve got it under control.” He grabbed her hand before she could get away. “Uh, I know this is going to make me sound like an immature, insecure jerk, but I have to ask. Has that Billy guy been bugging you? Levi told me he was in your shop when he stopped by.”

She was so used to complete indifference from Gunnar. His jealous side would take some getting used to. “Honestly? He heard you left town and wanted to know if I was alright.”

“Ugh, let me guess. He offered you a strong shoulder to cry on, right?”

“Nothing like that,” she said, trying to keep a straight face at his look of irritation. “He just thought I might need a friend.”

“You’ve got one,” he said, pulling her close. “Me.” His eyes searched her face. “I know I wasn’t a very good friend to you before, Gi. But I’d like to change that. I want to be the person you confide in, the one you share your hopes and dreams and secrets with. I want to be the person you always turn to, no matter what. The one who’ll always have your back.”

She’d always wanted one thing in life: to marry her best friend. If Gunnar really was capable of being the kind of friend to her that he claimed, it would be a dream come true for her. “That would be nice,” she said softly, touching his face. “Really nice.”

“I know you still have your doubts where I’m concerned, and you have every reason to. That’s why I want us to take our time. I want you to know, for sure, that I’m capable of being everything you need this time.”

“Gunnar,” she said, choosing her words carefully, “I appreciate everything you’re saying, but you can’t change for me. If you do change, it has to be because you genuinely want to.”

“Are you afraid this is all an act?” he asked, dropping his hands as he took a step back. “Do you think I’m going to go back to treating you like shit if I get you to commit to me again?”

She frowned at his choice of words. “You really are being too hard on yourself. You never treated me badly. If you had, I wouldn’t have stayed with you as long as I did. Do I wish we could have been closer? Yes. Do I wish you could have been more open and expressive about your feelings? Of course. But none of that makes you a bad guy, Gunnar.”

She was concerned that he really did feel he’d failed her and their daughters somehow. He hadn’t. She just wanted more than he could give her emotionally.

“I just don’t want to let you down this time,” he whispered, stroking her cheek. “I want to be what you need.”

She backed into the stool at the breakfast bar, sitting on the edge of it as she gripped his hands to pull him closer. “Here’s the thing. I know you, probably better than anyone. And I know that being able to give and receive love freely and being so guarded has hurt you.” She pointed to his chest. “Right here. And seeing you hurt hurts me.”

He curled his hand around her wrist. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

“But this isn’t about me. This is about you. It’s your journey.” She hoped he felt that way, that he finally had the opportunity to heal and leave his past behind him. She knew as long as he held on to it he could never be happy or feel secure.

“My journey, huh?” he asked, looking amused. “I’m sorry,” he said when she frowned. “But you gotta understand, this is all new for me. I’m not real big on talking about my feelings. Never have been.”

And therein lies the problem. “I’ve heard the songs you’ve written, Gunnar. You have no problem expressing your feelings. It’s when you have to talk to someone one-on-one and risk rejection that you have the problem.” It was hard for her to believe he would have ever thought she’d be the one to reject him, but she knew his scars ran deep. She supposed in his mind, if his own mother abandoned him, anyone could.

“I’m talking to you now, aren’t I?” He rubbed the back of his neck, looking frustrated. “Look, Gi. I’m really trying here. This isn’t easy for me, but I want to be able to tell you how I feel without breaking out in a cold sweat.”

“What are you so afraid of?” she whispered.

“Being left alone.”

His words cut her to the core because when she looked into his warm hazel eyes, she imagined that scared little boy who just wanted someone to love him. “And that’s what we did, isn’t it? We left you alone.” She’d never intended to add to his pain, but she inadvertently had.

“I used to wake up in a cold sweat,” he whispered, looking tortured. “I’d frantically feel around the bed and call your name. I thought it was a nightmare. Then I’d run to the girls’ rooms and they were empty too.”

“Oh, Gunnar.” She wrapped her hand around his neck and brought his forehead down to meet his. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea it affected you that way.”

Her breathing was uneven and shaky as his fingertips bit into her thighs. It was as though he were holding on tight so she couldn’t get away again. “I couldn’t tell you,” he said, looking mortified. “I was too ashamed. I’m a grown man. I should be able to live alone without having nightmares.”

“Is it easier now?” she asked, stroking his stubble. “I mean, being at the cottage—”

“It’ll be okay,” he assured her with a half-smile. “I don’t feel alone anymore.”

“You don’t?”

“No. I feel like I’m getting you guys back, little by little, and that gives me peace.”

She wanted to tell him that he’d never really lost them, but she knew this was his issue to work through. He had to get comfortable with being alone before he could truly let anyone else in. “I’m going to get changed now,” she said, kissing him. “And just so you know, I intend to hold you to that promise of ice cream after dinner.”

He grabbed her hand when she slipped past him. “Gi.”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

She smiled, feeling her heart swell. “I love you too.”