Chapter Eight

Gunnar tried to write, but his concentration was shot to hell. He and Gianna would have the house all to themselves that night and he didn’t know what to expect. He didn’t want to put any pressure on her, but he’d give anything for some sign they were getting closer. They’d always had a great connection in bed and he wasn’t above using that to get her to admit she was still in love with him. Because he knew she was. He could feel it in her kiss, see it in her smile, and absorb it in her touch.

When he couldn’t stand his circular thoughts anymore, he texted Levi to ask if that invitation to his place was still open. Levi responded immediately with the address.

Since he planned to stay in town for a while, Gunnar bought a pickup truck from a small dealership on the outskirts of town. It was a few years old, but it suited him just fine. He stopped and picked up a six pack of beer, looking forward to talking to someone who he sensed would be real with them. He was used to people blowing smoke, telling him what he wanted to hear, but he knew Levi wasn’t that guy.

The house was off the beaten path, but as it came in to view, he could immediately appreciate what Levi saw in it. It was a good size, not too big or too small, and was surrounded by mature trees. There was a separate structure that appeared to be a workshop, though the door was closed.

As soon as he stepped out of the truck, a dog barked and bolted across the lawn to greet him.

Levi stepped onto the porch and raised a hand in greeting. “Meet the welcoming committee. Ivy.”

“Hey, Ivy,” Gunnar said, leaning down to scratch the dog behind the ears. She immediately plopped down and rolled over, shamelessly begging for a belly rub. Gunnar chuckled, obliging.

“Enough,” Levi said to Ivy, frowning at her. “Mind your manners.” He hooked a thumb over his shoulder and gave the dog a warning look. “Go lay down.”

As Gunnar watched her trot off to the front porch, he smiled. “She follows orders better than most of the people who work for me. What’s your secret?”

“Treat training.”

“Huh, I should try that.” He shook Levi’s hand before handing over the beer. “Thanks for letting me come over. I was going a little stir-crazy at home.”

“Home, huh?” Levi asked, raising an eyebrow. “Is that what you’re callin’ our humble little town these days?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.” He followed Levi into the house with Ivy hot on his heels.

“Sit down,” Levi said, gesturing to one of two leather armchairs flanking a matching sofa.

“Thanks.” The chair faced a huge stone fireplace, which was decorated with framed photos. “Big family, huh?”

“Yeah, two brothers,” Levi said, handing him a beer before sinking into the sofa, which faced a large screen TV. “And two sisters. Also got a few nieces and nephews.” He grinned. “Gotta love those kids.”

“Yeah.”

It made Gunnar think of Keegan and Ramsey and all the time he’d missed out on when they were growing up. They were young ladies now, with barely a trace of the little girls they’d once been. He wished he could snap his fingers and turn back time. He’d do everything differently. He’d devote more time to his kids and less to his career. He’d have married the love of his life and told her every day that she was.

“Looks like you’re a million miles away, man.”

“Sorry.” Gunnar tipped the bottle back, letting the familiar taste wash away all the bad memories. “I was just thinking about what an idiot I’ve been. Never did learn how to put first things first.”

“It’s not always easy to get your priorities straight. Especially in your business, where people expect so much of you.”

Gunnar appreciated the understanding, but felt he didn’t deserve it. He could have made different decisions, he’d just chosen not to.

“So, how are things goin’ with you and Gianna?”

He thought about the progress they’d made and smiled. “Better, actually. I feel like we’re closer now than we ever were when we lived together.” They’d had more deep conversations in the past ten days than they had in the previous ten years.

“Can I ask you a personal question? And don’t feel you have to answer it if you don’t want to.”

Gunnar was used to dodging personal questions. He made his living being grilled by hungry reporters who all wanted the scoop, so he was pretty sure nothing Levi could ask would shock or embarrass him. “Go ahead.”

“Why’d Gianna leave you?”

“I…” He could make excuses or tell the truth. “I was never there. My career came first. She believed I loved it more than her and she needed more.”

“That’s understandable,” Levi said, crossing his ankle over his knee. “So, why’d you come here to try and get her back?”

“Like I told you the other day, losing her helped me put things into perspective. I know what’s important now.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?”

“Her. My kids.”

“Where does your music fit into all that? And don’t tell me it doesn’t. I saw you in concert once and dude, you killed it. It was like you were born to be on that stage.”

Gunnar smiled. “So, you’re a fan, huh? Why didn’t you tell me that?”

Levi smiled. “I was a fan of the music. Didn’t know if I’d be a fan of the man.”

“And…?” Gunnar normally didn’t put too much stock in people’s opinions of him, but for some reason, he wanted the people in this town to like and accept him, starting with Levi. “Are you?” he asked finally, when it didn’t seem like Levi planned to answer him.

“So far, I am.”

Gunnar knew Levi was the type to reserve judgement until he had all the facts and he liked that about him. “Music will always be a part of me,” he admitted. “It’s hard to imagine not doing it, but it’s also hard to imagine going back to that crazy life I used to lead, and that’s what my band, my team, and my label expect me to do.”

“But what about you?” Levi asked. “To hell with what they want. What do you want?”

“I don’t know. I might want to stay here. Take a little break. Work on songs that really matter to me instead of just churning out another album for the sake of it.”

“So, why don’t you do that?”

He made it sound so simple, but it was anything but. He wasn’t just an artist, an individual. He was a corporation. One that made over fifty million dollars last year. “I’m not sure I can.”

“Come on, Gunnar. You’ve earned the right to do anything you want to do. Hell, if you wanted to pack it in and move to Alaska, you could.”

He considered what it meant to be free… something he’d never been. Free to make his own decisions, his own mistakes. He’d gone from having foster parents telling him what to do to having a manager and publicist telling him what to do and what not to do. He’d almost forgotten how to make decisions for himself. But maybe it was time he remembered.

“I guess I could, if I was willing to cut all ties to my old life.” He drained half the bottle of beer and rested it on his knee. “But if I stay with them, the band, the label, they’ll start putting pressure on me to deliver. They have expectations and I gotta meet those expectations or—”

“Or what?” Levi asked, a glint of challenge in his eyes. “What’s the worst thing that could happen?”

“The worst thing?” A few different scenarios played out in his mind and none seemed too terrible. “I guess the label would cut me loose and the band would go their own way if they didn’t want to take a risk on the kind of music I’m making now. It’s a departure from our usual stuff, that’s for sure.”

“So what?” Levi raised a shoulder. “Change can be a good thing, can’t it?”

“I think so.” He was craving change these days. He’d been stagnating in his old life and he knew that’s why he’d been having such a hard time writing music in the halls Gianna and the kids still haunted.

“The way I see it,” Levi said, “you answer to yourself. At the end of the day, when your head hits the pillow, you’re the one who’s gotta make peace with the decision’s he’s made. But honestly? I don’t feel like you’ve made peace.”

Gunnar needed someone who could be brutally honest with him now. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve done right by your kids, I assume. You’re still a part of their lives. You didn’t leave them or their mom high and dry financially—”

“I would never do that!”

“I’m not saying you would,” Levi said, raising his hand. “Just hear me out, man. You think you owe your label something? Why? Because they were the only ones who’d give you a shot way back when? Think about, Gunnar. They’ve made a fortune off you and your music over the years. If suddenly things stopped working and your fans stopped buying the music, they wouldn’t work with you to try and figure things out, would they?” Before Gunnar could respond, he said, “My guess is they’d dump you.”

“You’re probably right.” He’d seen it happen to friends of his. One day they’d been stars, the next they faded into obscurity.

“So, why do you owe them your loyalty?”

“I guess I don’t.” He’d always felt his label were the ones who made him, and as long as they were treating him right, he owed it to them to stick it out with them for the duration of his career. But maybe Levi was right. He should start thinking about what would be best for him, not his label.

“Then there’s your band.” He set his half-empty bottle down on the oversized pine coffee table. “Your brothers, huh?”

“They were family even before I had a family. I can’t imagine bailing on them.” That’s what made Gunnar’s decision so hard, his loyalty to those four guys.

“You ever had a friend who saw you through every miserable thing you ever been through? High school, maybe?”

Gunnar shrugged, trying to remember the names of some of his high school buddies. “Sure, I guess.”

“You felt you owed them, ’cause they were always there for you, always had your back, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then life happened. Maybe one of you got married, got a job out of town, had kids…” He shrugged. “Shit happens. You drift apart. That doesn’t make your friendship any less real. You may have had some great years with that person, made great memories. But the friendship had its day. It ran its course. You don’t have anything in common anymore. If you tried to get together for a beer now, it would just be awkward ’cause you’re not the same person you were back then and neither are they.”

“Makes sense.” A lot of sense. “So, you’re saying maybe my band and I have outgrown each other?”

“I can’t say that, only you can. Only you know if your friendships could survive if you didn’t have the music.”

Sadly, Gunnar didn’t think they could. Music had always been the glue that kept them together. Aside from that connection, they were very different. “I don’t know, man.” He set his beer down and scraped his hands over his face. “It’s hard to think about leaving a huge part of your life behind and it not leaving a massive void.”

“I’m sure it would, but it’s not like you couldn’t fill it with other things. New music. New friends. A new label. Life does go on, Gunnar. No matter where you are or what you’re doing, life goes on.”

“How’d you get so smart?” Gunnar asked with a half-smile.

“I don’t know that I’m all that smart,” Levi said, chuckling.

“But you seem to have it all figured out, what makes you happy. You know most people go through life without ever piecing that puzzle together.” He knew from experience people tried everything for the short-lived rush of euphoria: drugs, alcohol, shopping, concerts, ball games. Anything to distract them from their problems for a while.

“I can’t say I had some big epiphany one day,” Levi said. “I’ve always known. The simple life in the woods, doing what I love.” He smiled at Ivy, who was passed out on the hearth. “With a little canine company, that’s enough for me.”

“You ever think about getting married? Having kids?” Gunnar could say with certainty meeting Gianna and having kids with her was the best thing that ever happened to him. He’d trade every one of his Grammys for a future with them.

“Did my mama put you up to asking me that?” He laughed when Gunnar smiled and shook his head. “I’m one of those weird ones who actually likes my own company. I actually love bein’ alone, doin’ my own thing. My brothers tell me I’m too set in my ways and maybe they’re right. I don’t know.”

“Nothing wrong with knowing what makes you happy and doing it.” He admired Levi for that. He hadn’t let outside pressure influence his decision to live life on his terms.

“I couldn’t have it any other way. And I know that probably makes me sound selfish. But I don’t know too many women who’d want to live out here in the backwoods with a guy underfoot all the time.”

“You don’t know that. I’m sure there’s lots of women around here who like the quiet life.” As far as Gunnar could tell, they all did, or they wouldn’t have chosen to live in Vista Falls. “Maybe you just haven’t met the right one yet.”

“And I probably never will,” he said with a half-smile. “Since I ain’t lookin’. I see the lives my siblings live, even a few of my buddies. Domestic bliss, I guess you could call it. But it doesn’t look that way to me. I don’t know, being dependent on someone else, your life linked with theirs in such a way you can’t make a move without checking with them first. I don’t know. Call me crazy, but that doesn’t feel natural to me.”

“Not all relationships are like that.” Gianna had given him more freedom than he probably deserved, given that they were in a committed relationship. She’d never once asked if he’d been with other women, not that he had. She’d always been more than enough for him.

“If you say so.” He didn’t look convinced as he reached for his beer. “Hey, my buddy Rush owns an inn in town. They have live entertainment. You should come out tonight. Sing a few songs for us. The locals would lose their shit.”

Gunnar laughed. “I’d like that, but I’ve got plans tonight. Give me a call the next time you go and I’m in.” He’d cut his teeth playing bars and restaurants. It would be nice to get back to his roots for a night.

“Will do.” Levi raised an eyebrow. “You say you got plans? They wouldn’t happen to include a beautiful brunette now, would they?”

“The kids are sleeping over at friends tonight, so Gi and I have the whole place to ourselves.”

“Sweet. Then you guys are back together?”

“Let’s just say we’re working on it.” At least he was. He’d never worked on anything harder. Every minute of every day he was distracted with thoughts of her and how he could make up for the mess he’d made of their lives.