Chapter Two

 

Gunnar knew he shouldn’t ask, but he couldn’t help himself. “So, what do you know about this guy your mom’s out with tonight?”

“Not much,” Keegan said, reaching into the popcorn container her sister held between them. “I think Mom said he’s a photographer or something. They met at work.”

“Does she go out a lot?” Gunnar asked, snagging his soft drink. “You know, on dates.”

“She’s been on a few,” Ramsey said, staring at the TV screen.

They’d talked him into some romantic comedy that hadn’t held his interest beyond the first few minutes. “A few? With the same guy?” Gunnar knew from experience that his ex didn’t subscribe to the three date rule, but that didn’t make him feel any better about her dating again.

“No.” Ramsey frowned, glancing at him. “She’s been out with a few different guys. Why do you care so much all of a sudden? Kitty Morgan said her dad asked Mom out while you guys were living together and you didn’t object.”

Gunnar clenched his teeth as he remembered the argument he had with Gi over that. They’d been at a fundraiser for their daughters’ fancy private school when one of the divorced fathers started flirting with Gianna. She brushed him off, but when he asked Gunnar whether he’d mind if they went out for a coffee sometime, he claimed Gianna was a free agent. He didn’t own her.

That was the last straw in their relationship apparently. She’d heard him say that one too many times, and according to her, she was done wasting her time with a man who could care less about her.

“I didn’t think I had the right.”

Gunnar was trying to be fair to Gi. He didn’t want to be one of those guys who refused to get married, but expected all of the perks that went with it. Like fidelity. Sure, they lived together and co-parented their children. They slept together and he’d never messed around on her, but he’d never asked the same of her.

Truth be told, he didn’t want to know if she slept with other men.

“Because you weren’t married?” Keegan asked, giving him a side-long glance that unnerved him.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“So, why didn’t you marry her?” Ramsey asked. “You didn’t love her… or you just didn’t want to be tied down?”

He found the courage to admit to them something he’s never even said to Gianna. “I loved her,” he said quietly, staring at the screen. “I never stopped loving her.”

“Then how could you be okay with her going out with other guys while you two were living together?” Keegan asked, shaking her head. “It doesn’t make any sense, Dad.”

“It made sense to me.”

His bandmates agreed with his daughters. Every time they heard him tell Gianna she was free to do what she wanted, with whomever she wanted, they told him he was just asking for trouble. Gianna was the sexiest woman any of them had ever laid eyes on and they told him it was just a matter of time before she dumped his sorry ass for not being more invested in her and their relationship. He was invested. Too invested. That was the problem.

“Yet you’re jealous that she’s out with someone else tonight,” Keegan said.

Gunnar scowled as he reached into the popcorn bucket and shoved a handful in his mouth. “I am not jealous.”

“God, you’re such a liar,” Ramsey said, rolling her eyes. The sisters shared a look before she asked, “Um, can we ask you something?”

“Sure,” he said, knowing instinctively it would be a question he’d rather not answer.

“Did you give Mom permission to mess around so you wouldn’t feel guilty about doing it?”

Gunnar sputtered and coughed, prompting Keegan to slap him on the back while he reached for his soft drink. “What kind of question is that?”

“It’s legit,” Keegan said. “No guy is going to be okay with his girlfriend messing around on him unless he’s doing the same.”

Gunnar jumped up and started pacing. “We’re not having this conversation.”

The girls shared a look of disappointment before sinking lower in the deep cushions. “Then it’s true. You did mess around on her.”

“What? No! I didn’t say that!” Gunnar didn’t know where his daughters got the impression he was a lying, cheating asshole, but clearly that was their opinion of him. “What the hell, guys? Can’t you give me a little credit? I loved your mom. What makes you think I’d cheat on her?”

“Dad,” Ramsey said, rolling her eyes, “you were okay with her cheating on you. That kind of says it all.”

He was definitely not okay with another man sharing Gianna’s bed. Then or now. But he thought if he started making demands on her, she would do the same, and he would lose her.

“Look, girls, it’s complicated.” He sank down on a bar stool at the kitchen island, which divided the two living spaces. “I know you have questions and you deserve answers, but this is a conversation I should be having with your mom. Not you.”

“Why didn’t you fight for us?” Ramsey asked, looking bitter. “Why didn’t you fight to keep our family together? You just let her leave and take us with her. And if that wasn’t bad enough, you let her move us here, out in the middle of nowhere. Why?” Her hazel eyes filled with tears. “Didn’t you want us?”

Gunnar jumped off the stool and walked over to the ottoman, sitting down in front of them. “I love you guys so much. Don’t ever doubt that. I did try to fight for you. As soon as I got home and got your mom’s note, I headed over to your grandparents house and asked her to come back.”

“We know,” Keegan said, looking sullen as she crossed her arms. “We were listening through the bedroom window while you guys talked on the front porch. We heard every word you said to her. You asked her to come back, but you didn’t beg her. You didn’t cry. You didn’t offer to change. You didn’t ask her to marry you. You didn’t do anything!” she cried, leaning into her sister as she started sobbing. “You just let her go.”

Ramsey stroked her sister’s hair as she curled her arm around her head. “Why?” she asked. “You said you loved Mom and us, so why wouldn’t you…?” She shook her head. “Forget it, it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s too late.”

 

***

 

“So, your ex is just in town for a visit?” Billy asked as they sat in her driveway.

They’d carefully avoided the subject of Gunnar over dinner, but Gianna knew it would come up eventually. She suspected most men would have a hard time ignoring the fact a hot rock star had his ass planted firmly on her couch, entertaining their daughters.

“Yeah. The sooner he’s gone, the better, as far as I’m concerned.” She didn’t want to sound bitter, but she was. She hated Gunnar for reminding her of the past and how much she’d once loved him.

“Your daughters may not feel the same way though.”

Billy was a single dad too. He shared custody of his eight-year-old son with his ex-wife and knew how hard it could be to juggle both roles.

“I’m sure they won’t. They love their dad. They want to be with him.” She sighed, leaning her head against the headrest. “And they hate it here. They grew up in L.A. That life is all they know.”

“So, why’d you move all the way out here?”

“For a couple of reasons,” she admitted. “I needed to get away from Gunnar. It was the only way I could start over. And I didn’t like what that lifestyle was doing to the girls. Private schools, exotic vacations, big houses, fancy cars, privileged friends. They were becoming spoiled, entitled. I didn’t like it.”

“That’s understandable.”

“I grew up normal.” She ran a finger over her smooth, polished nail as she stared out the window at the soft glow of lights inside her house. “Working class family. Part-time jobs. Innocent fun. I wanted the same for my daughters.”

“So, how’d you get drawn into that life?”

She laughed. “Honestly? I ask myself that question all the time. I met Gunnar when I was eighteen. He and his band were on their first big headlining tour and my girlfriend and I won backstage passes. I never expected him to notice me, but he did.”

“And one thing led to another?”

She rested her head against the cool glass. “I fell for him, fast and hard. My parents were worried, but I assured them I knew what I was doing. I didn’t, of course. I had no idea the ways that man would change me, change my life.”

“Were you happy with him?”

“Sure, until I wasn’t anymore.” She finally gave up on the dream when she realized he didn’t really need her and never had. “That’s when I knew I had to leave him. I was miserable more than I was happy, wishing for things I could never have. That’s no way to live.”

“It looks like he may still have feelings for you. He seemed jealous, seeing you with me tonight.”

She laughed, though it tore from her throat like a sob. “Gunnar doesn’t have a jealous bone in his body. In fact, he encouraged me to go out with other men. He stood by and watched other men hit on me and didn’t even bat an eye.”

“Really?”

She didn’t blame Billy for sounding surprised. It was hard to believe anyone could share as many years as they had and care so little. “Really.” She tipped her head to look at him. “So, that’s why I had to leave. I decided I loved myself too much to stay.”

“Maybe he’s had a change of heart.”

“It’s too late for that,” she said sincerely. “I stopped loving that man a long time ago.”

They talked a few more minutes before Billy walked her to the door and kissed her goodnight. There were no sparks, but she didn’t expect them anymore. Sex with Gunnar had been like the Fourth of July, yet still left her feeling cold and alone after the deed was done.

“Hey,” Gunnar said when she stepped inside. “How was your date?”

“It was good.”

She set her keys and purse down on the hall table before stepping into the living room. Their home was a two-story Victorian, not too big or too small, though the girls claimed their bedrooms were the size of the closets in their dad’s house.

“You going to see him again?”

“I think so.”

She stepped out of her flip-flops and crossed the hardwood floor before sinking down on the sofa, with a full-sized cushion between her and Gunnar. She could have sat on one of the two chairs, but didn’t want it to seem she was uncomfortable being near him.

“The girls are in bed?” she asked, reaching for the remote and turning on the evening news.

“Yeah, they went up a little while ago.”

“Did they show you to your room?”

“Yeah, I left my duffle bag in there.”

A person could fit a lot of clothes in a duffle bag, which concerned her. She’d hoped he would stay a day or two, get caught up with the girls, then disappear for a few more months.

“Tell me about your life, Gi,” he said, holding a pillow against his chest. “You like it here?”

“Sure.” She bit her lip, wondering how much she should reveal. “It reminds me of Frazier Park.”

“Without the mountains.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“We could have lived there, you know. In Frazier Park. We didn’t have to live in Beverly Hills.”

“Frazier Park was too far. You said so yourself.” She’d suggested it when they found out she was pregnant. She was young and wanted to be close to her mom. He wanted to hire a nanny and stay in L.A. He got his way and she learned to settle for monthly visits with her parents when Gunnar was on the road.

“I was a selfish ass,” he said, curling his hand into the pillow. “I know that now. It was my world and everyone else just lived in it.”

She didn’t know how to respond to that. “I knew who you were and what you did when we met. I never asked you to change.”

“Didn’t you?” He tipped his head to look at her. “You asked me to be something I couldn’t. Not then.”

Not then? “Right… a husband.” A life partner. A best friend.

“I never really thought you’d leave me.”

It had taken her a long time to work up the courage, but by the time she finally did, she had no regrets about leaving. “It was for the best, Gunnar. I’m sure you can see that now. You have your life and I have mine, here, with the girls.”

“My life is empty without all of you.”

She never expected to see a glimmer of vulnerability from him. “I find that hard to believe. You still have your friends, your music, adoring fans, enough money to satisfy any desire. What more could you want, right?”

Gunnar had always been the outgoing one in their relationship. He needed to go where the action was, to see and be seen. She was the homebody who loved a good book and the occasional glass of wine. They couldn’t have been more different, which should have been reason enough for her to avoid his advances. But she was young and naïve and he was rich and famous and used to getting what he wanted.

“All of that gets old after a while.” He rested his head on the back of the sofa and stared at the original chandelier centered on the high ceiling.

“Even the music?” she asked, staring at him.

He was still ridiculously handsome with that caramel skin and those hazel eyes framed by thick, long lashes that would have made any woman envious. His long legs were stretched out in front of him, his body as tight and lean as ever, thanks to his penchant for running—to clear his head, he claimed.

“Even the music,” he confirmed, tilting his head to look her in the eye. “I’m supposed to be at home working on a new album right now. I was sitting at my piano this afternoon, staring at a photo of you and the girls and it hit me. What the hell am I doing? I shouldn’t be there. I should be here. With you guys.”

She considered feigning a yawn and ending the conversation before he could explain, but heard herself ask, “Since when do you let anything come before your music? Besides, you have commitments, right? A band to think of, a manager and record label who’ll be riding you if you don’t produce.” She sighed, getting tired just thinking about all of the demands on his time. “Then there’ll be the tour to promote the album. It’ll take you around the world, no doubt.”

“What if I just stopped, told them I was done?”

“Like that would ever happen.” She used to believe it would. She’d try to imagine what their lives would be like when Gunnar was finally ready to slow down. A nice, quiet life in some little seaside town where she’d have him all to herself, finally.

“I realized something today.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?” She could hear the edge to her voice and hated the bitterness. She wasn’t a vindictive person and didn’t hold grudges, but she couldn’t help being resentful where Gunnar was concerned.

“My time is running out.”

Those words hit her hard as she tried to imagine this energetic man, so full of life, suddenly not. “Wait a minute,” she said, turning to face him. “You’re not telling me you’re sick, are you? Please tell me that’s not why you came.”

“You’d care if I were?” he asked, reaching for her hand.

She thought about pulling away, but first she had to know. “Of course I would care. Losing you would devastate our daughters. So, is that what you’re saying, that you’re—?”

“No, I’m not sick.” He circled her palm with his thumb. “Okay, maybe I am sick. Sick of my empty, shallow life. Sick of myself.”

She withdrew her hand when thrill bumps broke out on her skin. “I don’t understand.”

“I blinked and they were teenagers.” He looked at the framed photos of the girls scattered on tables around the room. “How the hell did that happen?”

She wanted to tell him it hadn’t just happened the way he claimed. There had been plenty of tears and flu bugs, dance recitals, concerts, and birthday parties along the way. There’d been temper tantrums, hurt feelings, and broken hearts. And he hadn’t been there for any of it. No wonder it seemed to him the past fifteen had passed in a flash. He hadn’t been there to witness any of it.

“I guess that’s just the way life is,” she said, quietly. “One day you’re a kid with dreams and the next you have a kid of your own, with a whole new set of dreams for them.” She saw no reason to point out his flaws or make him feel bad about not being there for their daughters. He’d clearly come to that realization on his own.

“What do you dream for them?”

“I just want them to be happy.” She knew they weren’t happy now. They still missed L.A. and their friends, but she hoped they would one day realize she’d made this move for their sake as much as for hers. “To figure out what they’re passionate about and pursue that.” She bit her lip. “You’re a good example of that, Gunnar. Someone who went after his dreams, and made it in spite of the odds.”

He chuckled. “Not like I had much of a choice. I had no one to pave the way for me. No family who’d provide a soft place to land if I tried and failed.”

He’d grown up in the system and still bore the scars of a loveless childhood. “But you didn’t fail,” she reminded him. “You didn’t just make a living. You made yourself a legend.” There were some performers who could produce unforgettable music for a decade or less and remain in the hearts and minds of fans forever. Gunnar was one of those artists.

“A legend.” He rolled his eyes. “I make music, Gi. I didn’t find the cure for cancer. I don’t deserve that kind of acclaim.”

She’d never heard him sound so humble. He usually loved the praise. “If I didn’t know you better, I’d really believe you’d changed.”

He looked so sad her breath caught in her throat. “A man who’s never had a family can’t lose his without it rocking his world.”

“You’ll never lose Keegan and Ramsey. They love you so much. That’ll never change.”

“But I lost your love…” His eyes shone as he stared at her, waiting for her to refute his claim. When she didn’t, he asked, “Tell me, when did that happen?”

“I don’t know that it was one incident that triggered it. I think it was hundreds of little moments that added up to one big realization: it just wasn’t there anymore.”

It was the countless times he’d stood by and watched other men hit on her. It was all the nights he’d stayed late for an extra beer with the band instead of coming home to her. It was all the times she’d reached out and he wasn’t there or when he was but he’d turned away. It was all the times he’d laughed when she’d cried or rolled his eyes when she screamed. It was all the times she needed to be heard and he was deaf to her pain.

“So, you really don’t love me anymore?” he asked, sounding anguished. “I killed it? Your love for me?”

She’d never been the kind of person who could intentionally hurt another and she could see Gunnar was already struggling, so she said, “I’ll always love you for giving me Ramsey and Keegan. They’re the best things that ever happened to me.”

“Me too.” His eyes were drawn to the sofa cushion between them. “I never stopped loving you. Not for a single second. I know I was a lousy boyfriend…” He rolled his eyes. “God, that sounds so stupid when I say it out loud. It felt like I was more than just your boyfriend, didn’t it?”

“There was a time when it felt like you were my life, my whole world.” She swallowed the sudden and unexpected burn of tears that arose at his admission of love. He’d never said those words to her before. Not once. “I didn’t think I could survive without you. But slowly, day by day, I was forced to imagine it a little more. Before I knew it, I’d thought about it so much it became my reality.”

“How does that happen?” he asked, looking miserable and confused. “How do you just stop loving someone you’ve loved almost half your life?”

“I don’t know.” She inched back on the sofa, lifting her legs until they were folded between them. “It’s not like I planned it. I never intended to give up on you or our family. It just sort of happened.”

“I made it too easy for you to walk away. I get that now.”

“What do you mean?”

“If we’d been married, it wouldn’t have been so easy. It would have taken more time to work out the legalities. Time I could have used to change your mind.”

By the time she left, she wasn’t sure there was anything he could have said or done to change her mind. “We just weren’t compatible anymore, Gunnar. It’s no one’s fault. Sometimes people just grow apart.”

“Were we ever compatible?” he asked, raising his eyes to hers.

“Probably not,” she admitted. “But I loved you enough to ignore that for a long time. I always wanted two things: a nice, quiet stable life and a family. That’s it. You wanted fame and fortune and accolades.”

“I wanted respect,” he said quietly. “And love. Two things I never had growing up. Everyone thinks I’m an egomaniac and that’s why I’m such a fame-whore, but they’re wrong. I guess I’m still just that same scared kid who wants someone to love him.”

Her heart ached for the lonely little boy he’d been. Even more for the lost and lonely man he appeared to be because underneath all the false bravado the rest of the world saw, she’d seen glimpses of his softer side, like when their daughters were born. He was right there by her side, supporting her, holding her head, telling her how proud he was of her and how grateful he was for the beautiful baby she’d given him.

“Your daughters love you, Gunnar. You know that. And your bandmates. They’re like your family.”

“That’s another reason I’ve been so reluctant to leave the music behind,” he admitted. “I don’t want to lose those guys.”

“I can’t imagine that ever happening.” They were all as close as any brothers she’d ever known. “They’ll always be there for you.”

“Yeah, but those three have wives and kids. They’ve somehow managed to make a marriage work in spite of this crazy business.”

Gianna had always been a little jealous that Gunnar’s best friends had loved their significant others enough to commit to forever with them while he’d made excuses to avoid making that promise to her.

“They didn’t all get it right the first time,” she reminded him. “It’s a second marriage for a couple of them. That should give you hope. Maybe you can take what you’ve learned with me and apply it to another relationship. Avoid making the same mistakes twice. If you want someone to grow old with, you could still have that.”

“And you feel nothing saying that to me?” He sat up, staring at her. “You can sit there and talk to me about the possibility of me marrying someone else and not feel a thing?” He shook his head, looking bitter when she failed to respond. “That’s where we differ, I guess. ’Cause the thought of you being another man’s wife, when you should have been mine, should still be mine, tears me up inside.”

Gianna could barely breathe as a wave of affection for this man swept through. It’s not love, she reminded herself. It can’t be love. I don’t love him anymore. “You sound so jealous and possessive now,” she said, finally finding her voice. “But where was that emotion when I was sharing your bed and you couldn’t seem to care less about what I was doing or who I was doing it with when you weren’t there?”

“Is that what you think?” His voice was raspy when he asked, “That I didn’t care? I cared, Gi. I cared so much it ate away at me, imagining you with someone else. But I didn’t think I had the right to make demands on you. If I did that would lead to you making demands on me, demands I couldn’t meet.”

His eyes were holding hers captive when he said, “I knew you’d been more than patient with me, playing by my rules for all those years. And if I got too demanding, I feared you’d leave me if I couldn’t come through for you. That’s why I kept my mouth shut.” He leaned in, brushing his lips across her cheek. “It wasn’t that I didn’t care. Believe me, I cared more about you than I did myself.”