Chapter Eighteen

Gunnar watched Gianna walking down the rickety old dock toward him, and like a coward, he wanted to run the other way. He didn’t want to hear what she had to say. If his mother was dead, he didn’t want to know. If she was still alive, but didn’t want to see him, he didn’t want to know. If the number was a fake, he sure as hell didn’t want to know. He’d carried that number around with him for so long—his last remaining tie to her. He wasn’t sure he was ready for Gianna to cut it.

“Well?” he finally asked when Gianna slipped her arm through his and leaned her head on his shoulder.

“I talked to her.” She slipped something in his pocket and he knew it was the number. His link to the past.

He processed that bit of news. Gianna had talked to her. His mother was alive. And he knew how to reach her. It was as easy as dialing a few numbers. “And?”

“The ball is in your court. She wants to talk to you, but understands if you don’t want to talk to her.”

She was giving him a choice now? He’d needed one when he was four. “How did she sound?”

“Like she’s had a rough life, I guess.”

They stared out at the water and Gunnar could barely hear her breathing. “But she’s not sick or anything?”

“No.”

“What else did you find out about her?”

“She never married or had any more kids.” She paused to let that sink in. “And I think she said she works in a diner.” She kissed his bicep through his T-shirt. “She said her boss taught her to use a computer just so she could keep track of you… and your family.”

“She knows about Ramsey and Keegan?” he asked, feeling his chest tighten.

“Yes. I referred to them as her grandchildren and she said she didn’t think she had the right to call them that.”

“She doesn’t,” he said fiercely, clenching his teeth. “Your mother is their grandmother. The only one they’ll ever have.”

“Babe, there’s one more thing she asked me to tell you.”

“What?” He wasn’t sure he wanted to know, but it was too late now.

“She said she’s sorry… and that she loves you.”

He swore softly as he broke free from Gianna’s grip. “Goddamn her! She doesn’t know the meaning of the word love. She was the one who was supposed to teach me how to love!” He didn’t realize he was crying until Gianna was standing in front of him, brushing away the tears on his cheeks. “Instead, she taught me how to hate… and be guarded… and scared.”

“I know,” she whispered, kissing him until their tears mingled on their lips. “But you don’t have to let that define your life anymore, Gunnar. You can let it go.” She threaded her hands through his hair, kissing him passionately before murmuring against his lips, “Just let go.”

He needed her, but he refused to make love to her when he was looking for an escape. She’d been his escape far too long. From now on, when he was with her, it would be because he wanted to show her how much he loved her, not because he was craving someone to love him.

“It’s okay,” she whispered, guiding her cropped jacket over her shoulders.

“No, it’s not okay.” He wanted her more than anything, but not with memories of his past distracting him. “You deserve all me, Gi. And that’s what I intend to give you from now on. But right now I’m just reeling.” He grabbed his head. “I can’t even think straight.”

“Then don’t think,” she said, inching her hands below his shirt. “Just feel.”

“I can’t do this to you again. I won’t.”

Her hands stilled and a flash of fear crossed her face. “What are you doing to me?”

“Using you to escape this…” He pulled his T-shirt away from his body. “This dull ache in my chest. This pain. This…” He dropped his head, sucking in a breath. “Agony.”

“Gunnar,” she said, holding his head between her hands. “When you love someone, you’d do anything to ease their pain. But I can’t even pretend I’m being selfless right now because I want you. So. Much.”

It would have been easy to turn away from any other woman in that moment, to lose himself in a bottle or even a song, but nothing compared to the solace Gianna could provide. “I just don’t want you to think I’m taking advantage,” he said, letting his internal struggle seep out in the fierce grip he had on her.

“You’re not.” She looked up at the dilapidated cottage. “Come on, let’s go.”

There wasn’t a single surface in that abandoned place where he could make love to her the way he wanted to. He’d have to break it to her when they got inside, but before he could, she was taking his keys and unlocking the door.

“Gi, I—” His mouth went dry when she hung her coat on a row of pegs lining the wall.

She kept her eyes on him the entire time she slid the thin straps of her long, cotton dress over her shoulders. She stepped out of it, hanging that too on the peg. “You were saying?”

He shook his head. There were no words as she stood in front of him in a gray lace strapless bra and panties. No words. And not a single thought in his mind other than how much he wanted her.

“You’re incredible.” Not only beautiful, but intuitive. She knew better than he did what he needed.

“So are you.” With a small smile, she raised his T-shirt over his head and reached for his belt buckle.

“You deserve a nice big bed.”

She grinned as she pulled his belt free and went for his button and fly. “We’ve had hot sex in a bed plenty of times. It’s been a while since you’ve taken me up against the wall.”

He groaned as he kicked his jeans off and backed her against the wall, pinning her with his body. The kissing was frantic, desperate, their hands exploring each other’s bodies in a futile attempt to get their fill. His tongue seared her neck, drawing helpless little moans and whimpers from her as he ventured further, unfastening her bra with one hand while caressing her with the other.

His mouth sought all of her hot spots intuitively and was rewarded when he heard her breathing become shallow, as though she were holding her breath, anticipating what would come next.

He didn’t disappoint. Sliding her silky panties down her legs, he looked up at her, completely mesmerized. She was his fantasy. Every night she’d shared his bed and he’d taken her for granted. He hadn’t realized the incredible gift he’d been blessed with when she gave him her love so freely, but he got it now. And he intended to make good on his promise to treat her right this time. Starting now.

His touch was feather-light at first, but that didn’t prevent her from crying out as though he’d lashed her. Her hands were fisted in his hair, guiding his head, not that he needed any. It was all intuitive and he was getting as much from this as he was giving her.

“Gunnnarrrr….” Her whispered pleas drove him on, making his hunger for her insatiable as he took her higher and higher. He felt her legs tremble as her release rocked her body.

He jumped up, grabbing her before her boneless body melted to the floor. He chuckled as his lips trailed over her shoulder, giving her a minute to collect herself.

Her lips eventually found his and her kiss was so erotic Gunnar could barely contain himself.

“Let me make you forget.” Her eyes held his while her meaning registered. She didn’t just want to make him forget that phone call. Or his career. Or their tumultuous past. She wanted to make him forget who they were. Parents. A famous singer. A lost son. And go back to being who they were when they first met and were full of hope.

“How do you always know exactly what I need?” he asked, brushing her hair off her face. “Even before I do?”

“Because I know you.” Her eyes teared up as her hand covered his heart. “I know what’s in here, what’s been in here all along, begging to break free. You don’t think I knew you loved me all along? You don’t think I could feel it every time you made love to me?”

He rested his head on her shoulder as his throat thickened with unshed tears. She deserved so much better than him. He felt so broken; he didn’t know if even her love would be enough to help piece him back together again, but he was too selfish to let her go. Because without her, he didn’t stand a chance.

Her small hands trailed over his body, finally claiming his shaft in a firm grip that had him sucking in his breath and clenching his fists in an attempt to rein it in.

“Lose yourself in me,” she whispered, guiding him closer, teasing both of them with the proximity of the connection they craved. “Let me lose myself in you.”

He held his breath as he entered her. Pregnancy was no longer a concern since he’d had a vasectomy after Ramsey was born and they’d been each other’s only lovers for the past fifteen years. It seemed like a lifetime to Gunnar, since his life didn’t really start until he met her.

“You feel amazing,” she murmured, resting her head against the wall. She gripped his shoulders when he propped her up, her legs wrapping around his waist.

She was tiny and the position allowed him the access he needed to take her to where she was silently begging to go. He tried to restrain himself, but she felt unbelievable, clasping onto him so tight that he feared letting go too soon.

“Give yourself to me.” She looked love drunk as her moist lips parted, urging him on. “This time, you have to give all of yourself to me, no holding back.”

Her words opened the floodgates and he unleashed all of the pent up emotions that had been building inside of him for a lifetime. Anger. Fear. Sadness. Love. Passion. It was like he blacked out as his conscious mind shut down completely, allowing his body to lead the way, for the first time ever.

Only her satisfied cries brought him back to the present and he slowed, concerned he’d gone too far, pushed her too hard.

Her self-satisfied smile put his mind at ease, and the tiny pulses still rocking her pushed him over the edge too. His breathing was labored from exertion, but that didn’t stop him from taking her mouth in a possessive kiss that seemed to go on for hours.

When they finally broke apart, he whispered, “I love you, Gi.”

She smiled. “I know you do.”

“No, I mean I really love you.” Saying it now made him wonder how he’d managed to hold those words back so long. Now they seemed to spill from him without warning, and he knew he couldn’t contain them even if he wanted to. His love for her was a part of him, that best part, and he planned to make sure she never forgot it.

“You’re mine, you know.” She curled her arms around his neck, resting her bent elbows on his shoulders as she thrust her hands in to his hair. “I’ve shared you with the rest of the world too long. I’m done sharing.”

He grinned as he let her down gently, making sure her legs weren’t too wobbly to support her weight when her feet hit the floor. “I’m good with that.” The idea of belonging to someone else had never sat well with him. Just as the idea of claiming Gianna as his own never came to fruition. Not because he didn’t want the world to know she was committed to him. He wanted that more than anything, but he foolishly told himself you could never lose something you’d never really had.

He shook his head at his asinine thoughts as he handed her the clothes she’d left on the peg before reaching to collect his from the ground.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” she said, watching him pensively. “And don’t you dare say nothing. I can practically see the wheels turning.”

“I was just thinking that I was my own worst enemy. I let my own crazy thoughts dictate my actions, and as a result, I almost lost the best thing that ever happened to me.” He kissed her. “You.”

“We had to go through this, you know.” She bit her lip. “Things couldn’t have gone on the way they were. It was killing both of us.”

He pulled his T-shirt over his head before refastening his jeans and belt. “So, you always knew I’d come after you, huh?” He grinned. “How could I not, right?”

“I didn’t know for sure,” she said, fastening her bra before pulling the straps up and over her shoulders. “I just knew that if you loved me half as much as I loved you that you would.”

There was still something eating away at him. Before he would have tried to ignore it, but he didn’t want to do that this time. If he and Gianna were going to have a real relationship, built on honesty and trust, he had to know. “You said you stopped loving me. When?”

She stepped past him and reached for her jacket, clutching it against her chest. “That’s a difficult question to answer. There are different kinds of love, right? There’s passionate love, where you can’t get enough of the other person, and there’s companionable love where you’re content to share your life with the other person. Then there’s love borne of friendship and mutual respect.”

“Dammit, Gi. Don’t even think of putting what we have in that category.” He scowled. “I definitely do not want to be in the friend zone.”

“For me, it moved through all three phases with you.” She smiled, touching his face. “In the beginning, I was on cloud nine. I couldn’t believe I was sharing my life with the Gunnar Williams. It blew my mind that you chose me.”

“Oh yeah?” He grabbed her by the waist, tugging her body against his. “Well, it blew my mind that you chose me.”

She stared into his eyes as though she’d been transported back to another time. “Then the girls were born, one right after another almost, and I was so busy, so caught up in being a new mom. But I never lost sight of how lucky I was that you were their dad. That was that contentment phase.”

He was happier than he’d ever been when the girls were young. Their little faces lit up every time he walked into the room and they ran to him and reached out, begging to be picked up. It made him feel ten feet tall.

“Then, as the years went on and they got older, the problems in our relationship became more apparent to me.” Her eyes darkened with sadness and he hated knowing he was the reason. “Or maybe it was just that they didn’t need me as much… and I realized you didn’t either.”

“That’s not true.” The words sounded gritty, forced, because they were forced. Past the lump in his throat. “Don’t ever think I didn’t need you.”

She shrugged. “I still cared about you and wanted to make it work, but one day I realized I was only staying because I liked and respected you, because we had so much history and you were their father. It wasn’t because… we couldn’t live without each other anymore.” Her eyes captured his, her voice low when she said, “I wanted a man who couldn’t live without me.”

“You’ve got that, Gi. ’Cause I can’t live without you and I don’t ever want to try again.”

Tears spilled down her cheeks and she sniffled self-consciously. “You know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that… that you can’t live without me? For so long it felt like our relationship was so one-sided because you wouldn’t tell me what you were thinking or how you were feeling. Now I finally feel like the scales have tipped and we’ve found our balance.”

“I couldn’t agree more.” He kissed her as the smile spread across his lips. He couldn’t help it. They were going to be okay and that made everything in his life look better. “So, now that we’ve got that settled, why don’t we call and check in on the girls, then meet up with your friends at the inn for a drink?”

“Are you sure you want to do that?” she asked, looking concerned. “Don’t you want to talk some more about that call or—”

“No, not tonight.” He turned, linking her hand through his as he brought it to his lips. “But before we go, I want to give you a quick tour.” He chuckled. “And believe me when I say it will be quick. There’s not much to see.”

The previous owner had left the utilities on, so at least he was able to turn the lights on as they moved from room to room.

First, he showed her the living room with wall-to-wall windows that overlooked the lake. He pointed to the stone fireplace, which extended from floor to ceiling. “I think that’s my favorite feature.”

“I can see why.” She looked up. “But I love these high ceilings too. Makes it feel so much bigger than it actually is.”

“Is it crazy to you that I’d buy a tiny place like this, after living in our house for so many years?”

“Not crazy at all.” She released his hand to put her arm around his waist, tucking her hand in his back pocket. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but that big mansion never felt like you. This does.”

He couldn’t agree more. He’d bought that house because he could afford to and he thought that’s where guys like him where supposed to live. But a place like this… it was the kind of comfortable little home he’d always prayed for when he was a little boy.

“I know how much you love your house and I do too.” He didn’t want to rush their reconciliation. They had plenty of time to make it official, but in the meantime, he intended to spend as much time with her as he possibly could. “But in addition to this serving as my studio, eventually, I thought it could be our hideaway too.”

She smiled. “Our hideaway. I think I like the sound of that.”

“Well, the girls are getting older now. I know how much they like to have their friends over so they can hang out, and let’s face it, they don’t always want their parents to be hanging around.”

“True.”

“So, this place would give us some privacy and them too.”

“You just have to be careful about giving teenagers too much freedom, Gunnar. I trust them, but I still feel the need to look out for them too.”

That was one of the many things he loved about her, the fact that being a good mom was her top priority. “Agreed.” He led her down the hall to a small kitchen and separate dining room. “I’m thinking I may take this wall out, make the kitchen bigger with an eating area since there’s no need for a formal dining room.”

“That makes sense.” She looked at the thick, painted moulding circling the room. “That’s what I love about old houses. They just don’t build them like this anymore, do they?”

He’d always thought new was better, but standing in the midst of this little house, he could almost feel the love and hear the laughter of the previous residents. “No, they don’t.”

He led her down another small hallway, pointing out a bathroom in desperate need of a renovation and three small bedrooms, one with a three-piece bathroom. “That’s the master,” he said, pointing to the bedroom with the bath. “It’s not very big, but I guess it’ll do.”

She giggled, grazing his abs with her nails. “It’ll fit a queen-size bed. What more do you need, right?”

He growled before kissing her neck. “Keep looking at me like that and we’re going to have to find another flat surface in this place.”

She turned into him, looping her arms around his neck. “As enticing as that offer is, we should probably head out now if we’re going to pass by the inn on our way home.”