Chapter Twenty

 

Gianna held her breath as Gunnar walked inside and closed the door. “How’d it go with Nick?”

He looked around before glancing up the stairs. “You talked to her?”

“Yeah, but I’ll tell you about that later.” She reached for her glass of white wine before handing him the beer she’d opened for him. “First, tell me how things went with Nick. I didn’t hear any shouting, so I’m guessing that’s a good sign?”

“I wanted to hate him,” Gunnar admitted, settling in beside her with a heavy sigh. “But he didn’t make it easy. In fact, he made it damn near impossible.”

He tipped his head back and she turned to face him, running her fingertips through his hair when he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. “He reminds me a lot of myself at that age. He’s been through some stuff. Made him grow up too soon.”

“Yeah?” She could listen to him talk all night, about anything and everything. After so many years of living with him in silence, just the sound of his voice was a treat.

“He seems to think he knows his own mind and what he wants.” He kicked his shoes off and propped his feet up on the ottoman. “I don’t know.” He sighed. “Maybe he does. Who the hell am I to say, right?”

“So, what did you tell him about Keegan?”

“He cares about her. That much is obvious.” He turned to face her, opening his eyes. “Maybe this relationship could work to our advantage if we monitor it closely.”

“What does that mean?” He looked so tired, like he’d been through so much. Too much. She just wanted to hold him in her arms let him sleep for a week.

“If Keegan feels about him the way he feels about her, she’s not going to want to go anywhere. Home for her will be wherever Nick is. At least for a while. The relationship will run its course eventually, I’m sure.”

Keegan had told her how much she cared about Nick when they talked, that she’d never felt that way about another boy, so Gianna suspected there was no fear his feelings wouldn’t be reciprocated. “And if it doesn’t?” Gianna asked, playing devil’s advocate.

Gunnar chuckled, closing his eyes again. “Baby, she’s going to have dozens of boyfriends. How many people actually stay with their first love?”

She rested her hand on his shoulder. “I did.”

He smiled, opening one eye to look at her while he kissed her hand. “And I’m glad you did. You know how lucky I feel, knowing I’m the only man you’ve ever loved?”

“The only man I’ll ever love,” she whispered, bending over to kiss him.

“Damn, girl. Do I like the sound of that.”

They kissed until Gianna was barely resisting the urge to straddle him and have her wicked way with him. But there would be time for that… later. Right now, they needed to talk.

“I know you’re not thrilled about what we walked in on, hon. Neither am I. But they’re not doing anything we weren’t at their age. It’s normal.” Her first kiss was at fifteen, but fortunately she’d been smart enough to recognize she was too young and immature to take it any further. She hoped her daughters were too.

“I guess. It’s just so damn hard to watch them grow up.” His mouth pulled into a grim line, a sure sign he was brooding. “I wish they could’ve stayed babies forever. Given me a chance to do it right.”

“Do what right?”

“Be a parent.”

She leaned back against the cushions and rested her legs on his. “You did the best you could with the knowledge you had, Gunnar. That’s all any of us can do. No one can claim to be a perfect parent.” When he didn’t respond, she said, “Speaking of imperfect parents, have you thought any more about your mother?”

“I can’t go there right now, Gi. I just can’t.”

He did look exhausted, but she knew if he shut down and refused to talk about it, he wouldn’t get a wink of sleep. She couldn’t count the number of times she’d woken up to find him pacing the floors, claiming there was nothing wrong.

“It’s gonna be like that, is it?” She didn’t want to push him, but she didn’t want to let him shut her out anymore, either. She was so tired of that.

He seemed to think about it for a minute before looking her in the eye. “No, it’s not gonna be like that. Not anymore. Okay, so you wanna talk about it? Let’s talk.”

“How do you feel about calling her back? Have you thought any more about it?”

“No.”

She didn’t believe him. If she’d been in his position, she’d have thought of little else. “Okay.”

“Yes,” he said finally. “Yes, okay? I have thought about it.” He stared straight ahead, his fingers drumming on her leg. “But what am I supposed to do? Call her up and ask her why the hell she abandoned me? Why she didn’t care enough to come back for me? Whether she’s ever thought about me or…” He drew a shuddering breath and her heart ached for him, but she knew she couldn’t absorb his pain, as much as she might want to. “Regretted her decision. That’s what I really want to know,” he whispered. “If she had it to do all over again, would she do anything differently?”

“There’s only one way to find out,” Gianna whispered. “Call her, Gunnar. Ask her to come here. Or you go to her. Whatever you feel is best.” She’d be there by his side if he needed her to be, though she understood if he felt it was something he had to do alone.

“I’ll think about it,” he promised, drawing her in for a kiss. “I promise, I will.”

 

***

 

Gunnar lay in the guest bedroom, trying to sleep. He and Gianna had made love after the girls fell asleep, but they agreed it would be best if they slept in separate bedrooms until they were ready to make it official again. He was ready. But he had to let her set the pace.

He was too tired and wired to sleep. Physically, he was exhausted. Mentally too. But his mind wouldn’t shut down. He kept playing it out in his head, imagining what he would say to his mother when they finally spoke.

He glanced at the clock on the bedside table. 2:04 a.m. “What the hell,” he muttered, reaching for the number and his cell phone. He could live with waking her up.

It rang a few times before an unfamiliar voice croaked, “Hello.”

“It’s…” He swallowed, propping a pillow behind his head. “Gunnar.”

“Gunnar?” she whispered in disbelief. “Is that really you? Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re really calling me.”

“Neither can I.” There was a long silence before he asked, “Why’d you wait so long to reach out to me?”

“I don’t know.” She coughed so long and hard it made him wince. “Why’d you wait so long to call me back? Same reason, I bet. You were scared, same as me.”

“I wasn’t scared,” he lied. “I was pissed. Big difference.”

“Okay, you were pissed. I get that. You have every reason to be.”

“Why’d you do it?”

It was the one question he’d always wanted to ask her, but he couldn’t believe he was asking it on the phone. Gianna suggested they meet in person, but he wasn’t even sure that was necessary. He didn’t want this woman in his life. He didn’t need her anymore. He just needed answers. He needed to know why she’d abandoned him.

“I had no money. No job. We were going to get evicted from that crappy apartment. The car wasn’t running. We would have frozen to death. I didn’t want that for you.”

“We could’ve gone to a shelter. At least we would’ve been together.” And he wouldn’t have been scared out of his mind, all alone in the world.

“And you wouldn’t have had a chance at a better life. That wouldn’t have been fair to you.”

“You think what you did was fair to me?” His voice was raspy, the heartache bleeding into every word. “It wasn’t. Don’t make yourself out to be a martyr, lady. You just didn’t want to be saddled with a kid, and you dumped me on someone else first chance you got.”

“If that’s what you want to believe, I can’t stop you. But it’s not true. I loved you. Still do.”

“You’re such a liar. You don’t even know the meaning of the word. You have no goddamn idea what it means to be a parent.”

“Do you?”

Her question couldn’t have hurt any more, especially since he’d been questioning that himself. “It’s not like I had anyone to teach me.” That wasn’t true. He’d had Gianna. She’d been the best example he’d ever seen of a loving and supportive parent. Thank God their girls had her.

“Neither did I. I guess that’s why I messed up so bad with you.”

He’d always wondered why he’d never had grandparents to take him in the way other kids did. “What happened to your parents?”

“I ran away from home when I was sixteen. Old man was a drunk. Living on the streets was better than livin’ in fear of him.”

Gunnar wanted to know if he’d ever hurt her, but that might mean he’d feel an ounce of compassion for her, and he was still too angry for that. “So you learned early on how to run, huh?”

“You too, I imagine.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She couldn’t pretend to know anything about him, yet that guess hit dangerously close to home.

“Things get real and you run. That’s what we do when we’ve been beat up by life, right?”

“That’s what you do.” But he knew deep down she wasn’t alone in that.

“Your old man did it too.”

Another coughing fit was well underway, so he had to wait to ask, “He ran away from you or from us?”

“He left when you were a few weeks old. You were a colicky baby. He said he couldn’t stand the constant crying, that he wasn’t cut out to be a dad.”

Gunnar had often questioned whether he was cut out to be a dad. As much as he loved his girls, when he was half-way around the country, waiting to give everything he had to another crowd, while he’d give nothing of himself to his own family, he felt like the most selfish bastard alive. Maybe he and his old man were cut from the same cloth.

“And you never heard from him again?”

“Nope. We were better off without him if you ask me.”

I was better off without both of you. It took Gunnar a long time to realize that maybe growing up with his mother wouldn’t have been the best thing for him. Being alone in the world made him tough. It made him understand early on that he had to fight for everything he got because he’d never have anyone to give him a hand up or a hand out.

“I’m sorry, Gunnar.”

“Don’t be.” His train of thought continued, aloud this time. “I probably wouldn’t be where I am if you had stuck around.”

“Can’t argue with that. Nothing good came of my life, and if you’d hung around me, nothing good would’ve come of yours. You think I didn’t know that?”

He would never thank her for abandoning him, but maybe he did have to give her credit for knowing what was best. If he’d stayed with her, the cycle of poverty and hopelessness might have continued with him, and he never would have been in a position to meet Gianna and make two beautiful daughters with her.

“My life is pretty incredible,” he said, feeling the love surrounding him in a room that wasn’t even his own. “Way better than I deserve. So, if you ever worried about me, or felt guilty about giving me up, you don’t have to anymore. I turned out okay.”

She snorted. “Better than okay, I’d say.”

“How can you say that?” He hated it when people felt they knew him just because of what they read or saw on television. “You don’t even know me. We’re strangers.”

“That’s true,” she said quietly. “And I know you’re better off not knowing me.”

So, that’s the way she wanted it to be? Good. He wasn’t alone. “I forgive you,” he said suddenly, knowing that’s what this call had really been about for him. Forgiveness. And letting go. He and his mother weren’t going to get a happy ending. There would be no warm embraces or tears in their future. And he was okay with that. He already had the only family he’d ever need.

“You do?” she asked, sounding surprised.

“I do.”

“You… I… thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” He didn’t know what else to say, except goodbye. But before he hung up, the part of him that had been influenced by years of admiring Gianna’s generosity asked, “You need anything?”

“You just gave me everything I need. Forgiveness.”

 

***

 

Gianna was hurt and angry when she woke up the next morning and found Gunnar gone, but she knew exactly what she had to do. After listening to the girl’s chatter all the way to school, she was ready for a little quiet by the time she dropped them at the curb.

She needed to collect her thoughts, rehearse exactly what she wanted to say to him. The drive to his cottage was a short one, but when she pulled into the driveway and saw his truck parked by the door, she got a knot in her stomach.

Was she really going to do this? She was scared. But so was Gunnar. And this time, she had to be the brave one, the strong one who was willing to put it all on the line.

She jumped out of her car and ran up to the door. She thought about knocking, but bounded right in instead, afraid she’d lose her nerve if she waited even one more minute to tell him what was on her mind.

He was on the ground, ripping up old linoleum in the foyer by the stairs. He was sweating profusely, his longish hair held out of his eyes with a black bandana. “Hey,” he said, leaning back on his haunches as he wiped the sweat from his brow. “What’re you doing here?”

She glared at him, hands on her hips. “The days of you bailing on me are over, Gunnar Williams.”

“Hey,” he said, holding his hands up. “I didn’t—”

“Shut up and listen to me,” she said, pointing her finger at him. “Last night I gave you my body. My heart. My love. And this morning I wake up to find you gone. No note. Nothing.” She threw her arms up in the air. “You were just gone!”

“I needed—”

“To be alone, I know,” she cried, sidestepping the torn floor as she marched into the adjoining living room. “You always need to be alone.” She gripped the edge of the fireplace as she felt him walk up behind her. “But I don’t want to be alone. Not anymore.”

He gripped her shoulders, turning her to face him. “You’re not alone, sweetheart. I’m right here.”

“No, I’m right here. I came to you, remember? There’s a big difference.”

“Is there?” He looked genuinely confused. “As long as we’re together, does it really matter?”

His gray T-shirt was plastered to his sculpted chest, making it hard for her to remember why she was so mad at him. “It matters to me. I’m just tired. Tired of chasing after you. Tired of loving you so much…” Her lip trembled. “Even when you don’t love me enough and stay and fight for us.”

A look of panic crossed his face. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“You can’t keep running away,” she said, silently pleading with him to understand. “And I can’t keep running after you.” Her shoulders slumped as she looked at her feet. “I just don’t have it in me anymore. I really thought this time would be different. But I could feel it last night when we made love, your wall was back up again. You didn’t want to let me in, and this morning you were gone.”

“Oh my god.” He released her, staggering back a step. “I’m not hearing this right now.” He ripped the bandana off his head and used it to wipe the sweat from his face. “When I made love to you last night, I was there. Believe me. I wasn’t thinking about anything else. Just you and me.”

She knew him too well to believe that. He was distant, like something was weighing heavily on him and she knew it had to be the phone call she’d made to his mother. “You can say whatever you want, but I know—”

“You don’t know!” His steel boots fell heavy on the dusty old floorboards as he crossed the room only to come back to her again. “You don’t know what I was thinking or feeling.”

“No, I don’t! Because you won’t tell me!”

“I wanted to ask you to marry me, okay? That’s what I was thinking about when I was making love to you last night… that I just wanted to beg you to be my wife. I wanted to wrap you in my arms and stay like that forever. I didn’t want to leave your house to come back to this…” He threw his arms up in the air. “This empty shell. I wanted to stay there. With you. With my family. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be with you guys.”

She could barely breathe as her eyes locked with his. “You wanted to ask me to marry you last night?” She’d never imagined in a million years she would hear Gunnar utter those words. No matter how close she got, she just assumed that little piece of paper was something she’d have to learn to live without. She told herself if she was certain of his love, that was all she needed, but he actually wanted to marry her?

“Yes.” His voice was raw and raspy and his eyes were bright with unshed tears. “God, yes. You think those words haven’t been on the tip of my tongue a thousand times over the years? I wanted you. Forever. There was no doubt in my mind about that. I just felt so… I don’t know. Messed up. I wasn’t sure I could be what you needed.”

He’d always been everything she needed. Couldn’t he see that? “Why do you think I loved you so much, Gunnar?” She stepped toward him, touching his cool, clammy face. “Because I knew you.” She pointed to the left side of his chest. “I knew what was in your heart.” She tapped her index finger against his temple with a smile. “And your head. I knew you have a stubborn streak a mile wide and hate to admit when you’re wrong. You have a temper when you’re passionate about something and you’re afraid to lose control. That’s why you never let me see…” It was so clear to her now. “How much it killed you when other guys hit on me. You were afraid of losing control, of saying things you never intended to say in the heat of the moment.”

“I was afraid of driving you away,” he whispered, wrapping his calloused hand around her cheek. “I still am. I’m so scared of that. Is that why you came here today? To tell me that you couldn’t do this anymore? That we weren’t working and you couldn’t put up with my—”

“I came here to tell you I couldn’t and wouldn’t go back to the way things used to be,” she admitted, wishing she could wipe away the pain etched in every faint line on his perfect but tortured face.

“It won’t be like that ever again. I swear to you.” He grabbed her hands, wrapping them around his neck. “Just hear me out. Please.”

“I’m listening.” She’d never walk away without hearing him out because she’d spent half her life praying he’d eventually say the words she needed to hear.

“I called my mother last night.”

She couldn’t hide her shock. “You did? What did she say? When are you going to see her?”

“I’m not. I don’t need to.” He shook his head. “I said all I had to say. So did she.”

“But—”

“Baby, she’s a stranger to me. That’s all she’ll ever be.”

She didn’t want him to have any regrets, to realize later in life that he should have put aside his hurt and anger and gotten to know her when he had the chance. “But you—”

“Please, just hear me out.” When she pinched her lips shut, he said, “I realized something last night. That she really did do me a favor by giving me up. It may have seemed cruel, and sure, it was rough to grow up like that. But it made me the man I am.”

“The man I love,” she whispered, covering his chest with her hands.

“There’s no way I’d be where I am today if I’d grown up in the slums with her, living off social assistance, living hand to mouth. I’d have probably ended up just like her. I would’ve thought that’s what people do. There’d have been no way out for me. At least in foster care, I got to see how other people lived. A few of the families I lived with had it pretty good, and I knew I wanted a taste of that too. A better life. So I decided that’s what I would have. A better life.”

“I’m so proud of you,” she said, thinking of how hard he’d had to work to make his dreams come true.

He smiled. “You know what else I wanted way back then?”

“What?”

“A family. Of my own.”

A tear slid down her cheek as she thought of their daughters and how much they loved him. He may not have always been there, but their hearts had always been with him, wherever he went. She was so glad she’d been able to give him that gift. Their girls.

“Now I have that,” he whispered fiercely. “I finally have that. And I’m not letting it slip away again, Gi. Not ever again.” His grip on her tightened, his fingertips biting into the back of her head. “I need you. You’re my… my best friend.”

Tears spilled down her cheeks, but she didn’t care. “You’re my best friend too, Gunnar.”

“I can’t promise you I’ll always get it right.” He smirked. “In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ll screw up. A lot. But I need you there to reel me back in, put me in my place when I step out of line.”

“Gladly.”

He laughed. “Gianna, it doesn’t get any better than what we have. I know it doesn’t. When you were gone, out of my life, I was so empty. So wrecked.”

“I felt the same way,” she whispered, hoping he knew how hard it had been for her to try to move on without him.

“It’s been better though, right? Since I came here and we reconnected, it’s felt better, hasn’t it? For you too?”

“Of course it has.” How could he even doubt that?

“Good, because I need you to be happy. This isn’t just about what makes me happy, ’cause I swear to God, Gi, if I thought for a second I couldn’t make you happy, I’d never ask you this.”

“Ask me what?”

He’d danced around it, but she needed to hear the words.

“Be my wife?”

She closed her eyes and let those long-awaited words sink in.

“Please don’t say no.”

Her eyes flew open and she could have laughed at the sheer terror in his eyes. “Never.” She grabbed his face, kissing him repeatedly on the lips. “I could never ever say no to you, Hollywood.”

“Then you’ll marry me?” he asked, picking her up.

“Um, let me think about that.” She touched her finger to her lip, giggling when he spun her around, making her dizzy. “Okay, yes. Yes! I’ll marry you!”