Nate
When I finally returned to my apartment, Alissa was in bed asleep. I stripped down to my boxers and slid under the covers beside her, drawing her back against me.
Tomorrow I would meet with the other dregs and let them know I’d decided to accept Darcy’s offer. I would let them know that they didn’t have to help me, that I would handle it myself. This was something I felt I had to do. I would kill the “targets” in exchange for all our information being handed over to us. I would make the necessary sacrifice so we could all be free men. It was the least I could do for my dreg brothers. They all deserved to be free. What was four more killings when I’d already killed so many?
Would Darcy hold up her end of the deal? I had to believe that she would. Or why was I doing this?
What if something went wrong? What if I got caught? What if I went to prison?
I pushed the worry from my mind. I wouldn’t think about that now.
Alissa won’t agree with this. She’ll probably leave.
I knew she wouldn’t like my decision. But I was doing this for my dreg brothers. And for myself. If I did this, I might actually have a future. With Alissa.
I could see myself with a woman like her. For a very long time. I didn’t want to let her go. I wanted to keep her.
Forever.
She turned in my arms, slowly opening her eyes. I kissed her before she could question me, not wanting to talk about Darcy or my decision right now. Alissa let out a soft purr, her mouth melding with mine. No hesitancy. Just need.
We came together urgently, kissing and touching, our bodies melding as one. I drew it out, wanting it to last as long as possible, knowing this might be the last time I got to touch her. And with the knowledge that I might truly lose her came the truth: I loved her.
Since I couldn’t quite get those words past my lips, I showed her how I felt instead, by worshipping her body. By making love to her again and again throughout the night. After the fourth time, we fell asleep in each other arms, exhausted.
No woman had ever made me feel like this before. I couldn’t deny it any longer. I loved her. There was no other explanation. I didn’t know how I was going to let her go. But in my gut, I knew, inevitably, she would leave when she found out I had agreed to accept Darcy’s offer. Alissa wouldn’t approve. She would view me differently. I wouldn’t be the hero she’d made me out to be. She would see me for who I really was.
A killer.
She ended up finding out sooner than I wanted her to.
Alissa woke me with a soft kiss to my lips, pulling me from sleep. “Good morning.”
“Good morning.” I yawned, then drew her closer.
She smiled. She ran a finger down my nose and across my lips. “In case you haven’t guessed yet, I think you’re hot.”
I chuckled. “Back at you.”
We stared into each other’s eyes. That connection that had been growing between us was sealing us together now, having grown stronger with our physical bond. I felt as if she was a part of me now, like the roots of a tree, an extension of me, always connected, needed for survival. Without those roots, the tree would die. Without Alissa…
I shoved the thought aside. The idea of being without her was too painful to even contemplate. I couldn’t think about that. Not now.
She hesitated a moment, then asked, “Did you make your decision?”
Shit. All thoughts of happiness faded. She was about to learn the truth.
I sat up, not wanting to see her face when I confessed. “Yes.”
Silence. Then she sat up next to me. “Are you going to do it?” A hint of worry laced her words.
Her perception of me as a hero was about to be destroyed.
I sighed, refusing to look at her. “Yes.”
“You are?” Her voice sounded small, shocked. Had she been so certain that I would turn Darcy down, that I wasn’t really a cold-blooded killer?
“But, you’re a hero. Not a killer.”
My heart pinched. At last, I turned to face her. “You’re making me out to be something I’m not. I’m no hero.” Then my words turned defensive. “You have no right to judge me, Alissa. You don’t know what my life was like. I’ve never been free before. You take your freedom for granted, so you can’t understand. If I do this, I will have a chance at freedom for the first time in my life. A chance to know my sister, my family. And the other dregs can be free. How can I say no to that?”
“I’ve been a prisoner, too,” she whispered. “I know what it’s like to be held against your will, forced to do things you don’t want to do. Yes, I hate Romeo and Enrique and all their thugs, I hate all the horrible things they did to me, but that doesn’t make me want to kill them. I agree they belong in prison, but murdering them…?”
I sighed. “I wish I could have prevented what happened to you, but I’m not the superhero you seem to think I am.”
She grabbed my hand, holding it tightly. “You don’t have to do this. You can find another way. How do you know you won’t be tearing other families apart? What if the men you kill have wives, children? What then? How can you live with that?”
I rubbed a hand over my face. “You don’t think I haven’t thought about that? These men aren’t good men, Alissa. They were a part of something horrible, something they want to keep doing. If I have a chance to stop them once and for all, how can I say no? In every war, there are casualties. Darcy wants me to kill the shareholders, not their families. So the innocent won’t be harmed.”
She pulled back, obviously stunned. “Is that how you justify the killing? By not harming the innocent? Don’t you know that killing a woman’s husband, a child’s father, is harmful? You don’t think their families will be affected by their deaths? Their murder?”
Goddammit. “Face it, Alissa. I am a killer. It’s what I was trained to do.”
I leapt up from the bed. Frustration swelled inside me as I paced across the room, then came back, pausing beside the bed. “You have to understand, I might get to actually have a life if I do this. I might actually have a future. These men are evil. Killing them won’t even bother me.”
“It will bother me,” she whispered. “The man I know, the man who saved me and who now owns my heart, he’s a good man. He’s not a violent killer. And I believe that with every fiber of my being.”
I stiffened. She made me want to believe in her fantasy. But I wasn’t that man. He was nothing more than fantasy.
“Then maybe you should leave. If you can’t handle me the way I am, if you can’t accept me for who I am, then you should leave. Go now, get the fuck out.” I jerked my arm toward the door. “You seem to be under the misconception that I’m a hero. I’m not the man you think I am. I have to do this, Alissa. I have to. If I don’t, I will probably regret it for the rest of my life.”
Her filled with tears that pulled at my heart. Goddammit. I jerked away, unable to witness her pain.
She slid out of the bed. “You don’t have to kill,” she whispered. “You can find another way. There’s always another way. You can’t let Darcy control you.”
She walked into the bathroom and slammed the door.
Shutting me out. Refusing to listen anymore.
I was losing her.
I’d just found her, and now I was losing her.
The knowledge rocked me like an explosion.
Piercing my heart.
If I went through with this…
If I killed those men for Darcy…
I would lose Alissa forever.