I kept glancing down. From what I could tell, I was still in my same, usual body. Same wiggling toes, with the second one longer than the first. Same knobby kneecaps, same long fingers with fingernails forever smudged with charcoal. Same sharp elbows and same freckles on my forearms. My outside hadn't changed .

But on the inside, I felt brand new .

It wasn't just the physical sensations, the sharp twinge inside of me shouting about being touched where I'd never been touched before. It wasn't the way my lips tingled or my nipples burned from being suckled and nipped .

Something was different about me .

My heart kept slamming between giddiness over what had happened and sadness that it was over. I felt like I'd discovered some kind of brand new revelation, but in a dream. Not reality .

Because the reality right now was that I was sandwiched between my mother and father as we stood shoulder to shoulder on the front porch, like drilling soldiers. The van was idling in our drive now, the driver grimly tossing case after case into the seemingly bottomless back end while the guys shouted at each other, remembering things they'd forgotten. "Here it is!" Ewan called from one of the upper stories, and I blinked and stepped back to see a boot come flying down from the heavens .

"Cheers mate!" my brother said, snatching it up and turning to the driver. "Just toss it in with the rest of the lot, yeah ?"

There was a distant sound of thunder that resolved itself into Ewan's footsteps as he tore back outside at a full sprint. Jules raised an eyebrow. "We weren't about to leave without you, mate," he observed. "Calm your tits ."

"But you were definitely leaving without me, right ?"

I was bookended by both parents, which was why I didn't turn sharply at the sound of Hudson's voice joining the mix. But I didn't need to see him to know he was there. I could feel him, and I could still feel the little ripples and quakes inside of me too .

Heat clawed across my cheeks as he stepped into view, hair still wet from his shower but otherwise unaffected by what we'd just done. So fucking unflappable, while I felt like the press of my parents' shoulders was the only thing keeping me from falling apart .

"Right, so we're off then, yeah?" Niall said, glancing at his brand new wife with a grin .

"Mr. and Mrs. Penrose," Reese said warmly as she stepped forward. My father extended his hand, but she batted it aside and flung her arms around his neck. "Thank you both, from the bottom of my heart ."

"We're so happy for you two," my mother gushed, joining in the embrace. "You take care of my Niall, now ."

"She'll do her best," my brother laughed, coming in for a hug that squeezed the breath from my lungs. "But Tally here knows better than anyone that her brother doesn't have much by way of sense ."

"We all look out for him, Mum," Ewan added. "But he only listens to Reese now so ..."

"As it should be," my mother added with a little lift of her chin. "Right darling ?"

"Your mother is right," my father said, so automatically that we all had to laugh .

"Cheers then, Tally," Jules said, hugging me and smacking me between the shoulder blades. "Be good at uni, yeah? Make it so at least one of your mother's children ends up respectable-like ."

"And let us know if any of those overeducated twats forgets his manners, yeah?" Ewan added, smacking me in the same place Jules had. "It's been ages since I've been in a proper fight ."

"Right, that's my job though, yeah?" my brother corrected, glowering as he folded me into another hug .

I stepped back before he could smack me as well. "I can bloody handle myself, boys," I reminded them all. "Don't start pissing on my leg like a bunch of dogs marking territory, now ."

"Tallula, language," my mother whispered, almost to herself this time .

"Sorry Mum," I said automatically. And turned to the last person standing there. The one who hadn't said anything to me yet .

Hudson had his hands shoved in his pockets, but when I turned to him, he shrugged them back out again. I thought he might reach for me, come in for the hug that the rest of the band had given me, and hoped like hell he wouldn't slap my back too .

But he didn't move. Instead he lifted his gaze to somewhere over my head. "Good to see you again, Tally," he said, loudly and formally, and deliberately using the name everyone else had called me. I winced. "You take care of yourself," he said .

Then he patted me .

He fucking patted me .

My disbelief robbed me of my voice, so that I could only stand there gaping at him as he followed the rest of the band down the front stairs. He patted me .

Maybe he was trying to piss me off, I thought to myself. After all, scowling at him as he hefted his suitcase - then batted away the driver who was attempting to take it from him - was a lot easier than sobbing like my heart would break. It was actually a gift, making me angry this way. Anger hid all of the other emotions battling inside of my body .

I watched him climb into the van with my brother and his bride. My mother made a small, sniffing sound and my father lifted his hand in a paternal salute .

Reese settled into the seat next to Niall, and he slung his arm over her. And I was suddenly jealous of these two people whose lives meshed together so well. Reese was Niall's guitar tech, she went everywhere with him, helping him play in front of thousands of people every night. August was their band manager as well as Jules' fiancée, and created their touring schedule so the two of them could spend as much time together as possible. And Ewan had Celia, who worked for their label and so was an intimate part of their world. I knew she flew out to be with them on tour every time she could get away from her desk. They all shared a life, each of them fitting together like puzzle pieces to complete the whole picture .

And then there was Hudson. He had no puzzle piece, as near as I could tell. And as much as I wanted it to be me, who was I to him? I wasn't his wardrobe person, or one of the drivers with the crew. I didn't understand the ins and outs of touring life. I wasn't part of his world. I was just a semi-fat university student who lived on the wrong continent from him .

Of course he had to leave. What possible reason had I given him to stay ?

I squeezed my eyes shut, then opened them again to watch him get in the van last, raising his big hand farewell. The driver shut the door behind him, then rounded to the front. "Goodbye boys!" my mother called. "Goodbye, Reese !"

They pulled away. I put my hand to my mouth to stifle the sob that wanted to escape as the van rounded the circle drive ....

Then stopped .

I watched in confusion as the door opened again and Hudson hopped out. "Hey Tally!" he called up the drive. "Have you seen my watch ?"

Watch? He hadn't been wearing a watch .

"Oh dear," my mother worried. She turned to me. "Have you seen it, darling ?"

I gaped at them both .

"Yeah!" Hudson yelled, jogging closer. "It was my grandfather's. Real sentimental and stuff ."

"Ah. No I haven't ..."

He reached my side. "Help me look?" he asked, as casual as could be .

He was so fucking unflappable that it took me a minute to understand. Slowly I turned and followed him into the house .

In two steps he had me up against the wall, his mouth covering mine in the kind of kiss that would erase all memory of him patting me. "Hudson..." I moaned, twining my fingers into his hair .

"This has to last me," he growled against my lips as his tongue slid against mine. I groaned and slid my hands down his body, feeling the play of his muscles underneath his thin cotton t-shirt. He was warm and so real and he kissed me like the world was ending .

Because maybe it was .

He kissed me for so long I almost forgot the risk we were taking. Until the sound of my mother's voice brought me back to myself. "Tallula? Did you check the poolhouse ?"

"Shit," Hudson sighed, pulling back. His voice was strained and his breath was coming fast. "So um, maybe mail a watch to me in a few days, okay?" he said. "Doesn't have to be fancy, my grandpa was as poor as dirt ."

I touched my lips and smiled at him. "Got it ."

He brushed his hand down my cheek. "My smart girl," he murmured .

"You have to go now," I told him, as he lingered .

He looked down, and then suddenly up again with his eyes blazing. "I don't want to. You know that, right ?"

I swallowed, tasting the part of him that still lingered on my lips. "I do ."

And I did .