I leaned over and fiddled with my phone, turning it so the tinny speakers were pointing towards the pool. "That better?" I asked .

Niall was bobbing next to Reese, laughing at something she had said while I was finding the right playlist .

"Oy!" I called to my brother. "Is that better, then ?"

He barely glanced at me. "Sure is," he mumbled, then dove under the water and did something that made Reese yelp .

"Oh my fucking Lord," I groaned, letting my head fall back on the chaise .

"Sickening, isn't it?" Hudson asked. He was a few chaises over and I hadn't realized he was watching until he spoke up. I shielded my eyes with my hand and looked at him for the first time since I'd landed. "I swear it's a good thing I like them both, because if I didn't I'd feel compelled to push their heads underwater." He leaned forward and grinned. "At least then they'd have to come up for air once in a while, right ?"

I gaped at him and then laughed because sure enough, Niall and Reese were making out again. "Has it been like this the whole tour?" I needed to know .

"This is actually pretty tame," Hudson sighed, glancing at them and then looking away. "For them. But add in the other two..." he gestured over to where Celia was planted on Ewan's lap, and then lifted his head towards Jules doing something to make August shriek with indignation. "And... Yeah," Hudson finished .

"So glad I made the trip," I deadpanned, flipping to the next song on my playlist. "Anyone care that I'm changing this?" I called out. "Anyone? No? Good then ."

Hudson laughed and stood up. "Want to get out of here ?"

I froze and licked my lips. He cocked his head, and the expression in his blue eyes made my heart start hammering in my throat. The thought of spending time alone with him after... after... it was almost unbearable, but when he looked at me like that it was all I wanted .

I still wanted him. Even when the reasons I shouldn't have him were piling up at my feet. My hand went to my belly automatically .

Of course Hudson saw, and my heart sank when I saw that happy glint in his eye. "Sounds good then," he said, then raised his voice louder so everyone could hear. "Hey! Stop sucking face for a minute and listen up. Tallula and I are heading out ."

Niall's head turned so fast I wondered if he'd broken his neck in the process. "You're doing what now ?"

"You are all in happy couple land," Hudson said, planting his feet. "And it's frankly annoying as fuck, isn't that right, Tally ?"

I glanced up at him, wary. He was wearing a loose white button down shirt. Two days in the Italian sun had burnished his skin like he'd been polished .

He was still too much, of that I was certain, but in the way that museums are too much, and sometimes send you reeling because of the beauty inside .

He was overwhelming in every sense of the word. Including what he said next .

"I think we should get the hell out of here so they can all just fuck and get it out of their systems. What do you say?" He glanced at the watch I'd sent him, now occupying a place of honor on his wrist. "You guys have two hours, okay? We're heading to a cafe ."

"Two hours is not long enough, mate," Jules hooted, to an eyeroll and giggle from August .

"Whaddya say Tally?" He was calling me Tally. Not Tallula, not Lulu. Nothing private .

Maybe it was safe. And frankly, watching my brother paw his new wife was getting old. "Fine," I said, standing up, careful not to wince. "I feel like I'm at a grade school dance and everyone is snogging in the corner except me ."

"You never went to grade school dances," Niall said .

"That you know of!" I laughed, sweeping past the pool

Hudson held out his hand, gesturing for me to pass. "After you ."

"Such a gentleman ."

It was an elaborate act for everyone's benefit. He didn't touch me so much as run his hand in the air past my body, but it was enough to send a shiver up my spine. Being alone with him was a gamble, but it was also something I needed to do .

Because I needed to tell him .

The cafe he'd found hugged tightly to the steep curve of the cobblestone street. The sun was high in the sky, almost too hot, the same way it had been the day we picked flowers for the wedding .

I wondered if he thought about that as much as I did .

We ordered, him in gestures and nods, me in my school-girl Italian. Then he leaned back and sighed. "Thanks for being my cover. I really did need to get away from all that cutesy shit ."

I laughed a little. "You don't do cutesy shit ?"

"Different when I'm the one doing it .

I laughed again and sat back, letting the waiter set down my espresso. Hudson watched me with wide eyes as I lifted it to my lips. "What?" I asked, lowering it .

"I'm not trying to be a dick ."

"Now there's a set of words that never lead anywhere good ."

"I know. But I thought caffeine wasn't good for the baby ?"

There it was. Ice chips formed in my veins, and my hand started shaking so bad I had to set the cup down. Hudson watched me with growing alarm as I set my hands on the table, spreading my fingers. "Hudson ."

"Yes?"

I took a deep breath. The ache in my belly, as if it sensed its moment, sent out a pang that made my fingers curl for a moment before it let go. "I lost it ."

His mouth opened in a question he never asked, because the reality of what I was saying caught him first. He leaned back and looked away from me, the muscle at his jaw ticking and jumping. I held my breath as his fingers went to his mouth and he blinked a few times, because if Hudson - unflappable Hudson - started crying then I feared I'd start too and then never stop .

But he took a shaky breath and recovered himself, though his eyes still shone bright when he finally leaned in and reached for my hand .

"I'm so sorry," he said finally .

I felt the tear track down my face and wondered when I had started crying. I didn't even feel it. The tear just slipped past unbidden. "I don't even want it," I choked. "But now that it's gone ..."

"I know." His voice was low, husky. "I'm so sorry this happened to you. I would have been there." He looked up from where he was stroking his thumb across my wrist. "I can still be there," he said. The pressure of his thumb sent sparks up my wrist. "What do you need?" he asked, low, like he was already reading my thoughts .

I shook my head. "I always know," I choked. "It's always so clear to me what I want, what I need. But now it's all muddy ."

"Is it?" he asked. Gently. But more firmly than any man had ever talked to me before. I looked up at him .

He stood up. And before I could say anything, he was over me and his hands were on either side of my face so that the whole world was made up only of the blue of his eyes. "I have not stopped thinking about you for one single goddamned moment of this tour. Every night I play in a haze because I can't put my heart into the music the way I need to ."

"Why not?" I squeaked .

He took a breath. "Because I left it with you ."