T he main penthouse consisted of a vast, white-and-cream sitting area. Far too nice for the likes of us .

We weren't even throwing a wild party but were somehow managing to ruin the place anyway. Jules had already broken a lamp, and there was a stain on the sofa, by Ewan's head, that we were pretty sure hadn't been there when we checked in .

Rock 'n' roll, baby .

My nerves were still buzzing from the show, so going to sleep was out of the question. Hanging out with the band felt out of the question too. All I could do was pace laps around the broad expanse of blond-wood floor while my bandmates made for the minibar, and hope that I'd eventually annoy them enough that they'd shout at me to get out of there .

Even if I had wanted to sit down, Jules was taking up an entire couch on his own anyway. As I paced by, I knocked his legs to the floor, startling him out of a doze while on my way to the window. "Why are these open?" I grumbled. "It's dark anyway," I said, shutting the floor length curtains. "And this city has a shitty skyline ."

Ewan laughed in disbelief. "'This city' he calls it. Oy, Hudson. Did you miss the big fuck off tower thing over to the left there ?"

I scowled and craned my neck in the direction he was gesturing. "Oh," I exhaled when I saw it. "Right ."

"Right,' he says," Niall sighed from the couch where he was entwined with Reese. "You forgot about the bloody Eiffel Tower then? So which Paris did you think we were in exactly ?"

"Paris, Texas," I deadpanned, "asshole." I sighed and flopped into the chair nearest the door. "Who the hell knows where we are anymore, anyway, right ?"

"Good show though, mate," Ewan offered. "You doing something new on the vocals to 'Jaded Cage?' Because it's sort of brilliant ."

I shook my head. I honestly could barely remember tonight's show. My head wasn't in it at all. "Just trying something out," I hedged, which seemed to satisfy Ewan .

"Good thing, that," Niall broke in. "Keeping it fresh. Sucks to do the same fucking thing night after night ."

I glanced at him, hating the new lump in my throat that seemed to steal my words every time I tried to say anything to him. After every show, I'd always tried to talk as little as possible to preserve my voice, but tonight my silence felt like a lie .

Niall was stretched out on the couch with his head in Reese's lap. She was playing with her phone while idly tracing her fingers around his ears and jaw and it was a kind of easy intimacy that made me look away before the lump got any bigger .

Easy intimacy .

I'd had that .

With his sister .

The secret burned. I could feel it at the tip of my tongue every time I opened my mouth .

"Oy, what are you smiling at then?" Niall asked Reese, who had giggled at something on her screen .

"Don't be so nosy," she chided him with a light slap on the arm .

He scooted up to a sitting position and leaned into her shoulder. "No secrets," he whispered, loud enough for me to hear but quiet enough that I knew it was meant to be private .

I'd never met the woman that Niall had been with before Reese, but she'd fucked him up something awful by keeping secrets from him. Now, "no secrets," was a phrase he uttered so often it was like a tic. Almost drained of all meaning, except I knew it meant everything to him .

I stood there silently, feeling like the world's biggest shitheel and trying like hell to figure out a way to escape .

"You still standing there? Grab me a beer then, mate?" Jules suddenly said to me .

I jumped. He put his hands up like he was calming a skittish horse. "Steady on, there, big guy. What's gotten into you ?"

"Hudson's in a mood," Reese observed from her perch by Niall. She was dutifully pointing to the amusing thing on her phone .

"Am I?" I asked, smiling even though my heart was banging around like Jules on the drums .

"Are you?" she retorted with a raised eyebrow .

I knelt down to rummage for Jules' beer. "If you say so ."

"You are one inscrutable motherfucker," Ewan observed from his perch by the door .

I smiled again. Never let them see you sweat. I leaned under the airflow vent and felt the cool air on my damp forehead. "Isn't this fucking surreal, guys?" I said, hoping like hell I could get them off the subject of my squirrelly behavior .

"Being in a hotel?" Jules asked .

"Smartass," I said, shooting him a grin. "No, this playing in a different country every night thing ."

Ewan shook his head. "Not for us, mate. This is what countries are to us. It's your country that's the size of a whole bloody continent ."

"It is a whole bloody continent," Niall corrected .

"Well, yeah," I said, lifting a fist in triumph. "USA! USA !"

Reese joined in the patriotic chant while the rest of the guys booed and chucked wads of paper at me. I laughed and lifted my middle fingers and inside I breathed a sigh of relief that I was out of the hot seat .

Once the air had cleared, I hurriedly said good night, pleading my voice. Ewan shrugged and Jules waved. So did Niall, of course, but there was something odd about the way he lifted his hand .

Or maybe I was just imagining things. I had no idea any more. My thoughts were churning like clouds in a thunderstorm and I couldn't seem to hold on to one for very long .

But once I was alone in a giant, empty bed, I found one I wanted to hold on to forever. The only thing I wanted to think about. My secret. My obsession .

My Tallula .

It bothered me that she was probably well back into her semester at her university. Taking her art classes. Laughing with her friends .

Dating guys who weren't me .

Guys who could be there for her, night after night after night. Guys who were dependable. Who stayed in one place .

Guys who were the complete opposite of everything I knew .

Moving was what I knew. Moving away from Texas, our car stuffed to the gills, with barely any room for me and my sister to breathe. Driving for what seemed like lifetime with my mother tense and white knuckled in the driver's seat. She'd always hated driving on the highway, that had been my father's job. I don't think I really believed they weren't getting back together again until I saw her get behind the wheel herself .

We moved. The motion of the wheels lulling me, every few hours stopping in a different rest area in a different state as we inched our way up the coast .

It took us three days to get to New York because my mother's desperation outweighed her caution. That first night in my grandparents' house, my sister and I kept moving, bouncing like pinballs, her to my room, then the both of us to where my mom was sleeping on the fold-out couch. I was ten years old, already big for my age, and I had no business sleeping in bed with my mother, so I grabbed my pillow and lay on the floor next to her as she snuggled my sister close. When I heard the soft sound of crying, I first thought it was my sister Nikki. I reached up to the bed to pat her arm and felt my hand closed in my mother's grip. She squeezed my fingers so tight that I winced, but I didn't cry out. Nikki was crying, but silently. The sobs I had heard were coming from my mother .

With both of them so sad, there was no room for me to start crying too. I clutched my mother's hand, letting her hold it until she and Nikki both fell asleep .

The next morning she hugged me tight. "My little man," she whispered into my hair. "Thank you for being mama's rock ."

We spent two weeks with my grandparents, then shuttled over to an aunt who let us stay with her long enough for Nikki and me to get enrolled in the good school down the street. After that, we piled into a basement apartment where I amused myself watching the feet of the people passing by my head. Three months of that had my mother swearing about living like a mole, and we packed up again. When the room my mother found turned out to be located above a bar, it took us three more weeks before we ended up at a different aunt's house, spreading out in her half-finished basement .

By that time I had given up, and just kept my suitcase packed .

Motion suited me. It was why living on the road with Wreckage was the best kind of life I could have imagined. It was a dream come true .

But now I was dreaming of something else .