LAUREN

 

“Do you think I’ve been too harsh on her?”

Tyler and I were lying in bed in the small hotel, Tyler with his back pressed to the headboard, hands behind his head. He had talked non-stop about Dante. I couldn’t recall so many words coming out of his mouth in such a short amount of time.

“Who?” I asked, struggling to keep up with his train of thought. So far I had heard a summary of every word that had come out of Dante’s mouth and every thought Tyler had on those words. 

“Diana,” he said. Adjusting his position, he scooted down in the bed so he was closer to me and huddled into my side, his arm wrapping around my waist. “I always took Hamish’s word about who she was, the problems she faced. But now, when I think about it, I can only recall one specific story about her habit. And it came from Hamish. Maybe she was never as bad as I thought. Maybe I’ve blocked her out of my life for all these years because I blindly believed Hamish was telling the truth. What if all this time he was purposely trying to keep me from her so I wouldn’t find out the truth?”

He glanced up at me but I could tell he didn’t expect me to answer. His entire life had been turned upside down. It was natural for him to question everything. He was unable to lie still, his foot twitching against the restriction of the sheets, his fingers skimming my side. He only stayed like that a moment before throwing the bed covers off and getting to his feet. He started pacing the room, lip pulled between his teeth, eyes flicking restlessly.

“Why do you think she named him Dante? Why Dante? Did she have a thing for The Divine Comedy? Did she just like the sound of it?” He let out a frustrated sigh. “It fucks me off that I’ve had no say in his life. Not even an opportunity to have a say.” He stopped pacing and ran his hands through his hair, leaving it sticking up in strange places. "It was one thing learning I had a son, but it was quite another meeting him, seeing myself in him. It’s changed everything. I’d never thought about it before, you know? Never considered that I had a child out there in the world. It wasn’t even a possibility. The news of it hit me hard, but today, seeing him, meeting him, talking to him and realising there really is a part of me that exists that I didn’t know about, well I feel like I’m on top of the world. But there’s also this part of me that’s terrified. Where to from here? What does having a son mean for my life? What does having a father mean for him? How often will I be able to visit? How often would Dante even want to see me? Will he come to visit me in the city? Is there the possibility he’d ever want to live with me?” Tyler rubbed a hand over his face, leaving it covering his mouth as he let out a long breath of air. “Basically, I’m completely freaking out.” He kneeled on the bed, looking to me as though I had the answer. “I’ve never felt like this before. I don’t know what to do. I’m all excited and tight in my chest at the same time as feeling like I might be sick.” He looked over at me, his jaw working back and forth, thoughts running through his mind. “I think I might go for a run.”

Tossing the covers off and rising to my knees, I took his face between my hands, staring into the grey. His gaze flicked between my eyes, dancing from left to right. I moved closer, pressing my forehead against his and slowed my breathing. He stopped jostling. The rise and fall of his chest slowed until it matched mine and his gaze dropped to my lips.

“If you’re looking to expend a little energy, there is one way I can think of,” I said, biting my lip and releasing it slowly in an effort to show him my intention.

He rushed towards me, desperate to devour me with his lips, but I held him back, held him firm, our heads pressed together, our noses touching just the slightest bit. His eyes blurred in my vision with the closeness and I dipped my head to the side and pressed my mouth to his with the lightest of touches. The moan that escaped his mouth and bled into mine reverberated throughout my entire body. We kissed softly and gently, his mouth exploring mine as my fingers dug into his scalp, the controlled desire pulsating through us as a steady heartbeat.

The longer we kissed, the more desperate Tyler became. His hand wound into my hair, pulling me closer, forcing our mouths to collide in reckless passion. He tugged, jerking my head back as his mouth moved along my jawline and down to my neck. He sucked, moulding my flesh to his whim as my breathing quickened to panting. Teasing the lobe of my ear, he released my hair as his hands fumbled with my clothing, lifting the hem of my nightshirt up and over my head. And then his mouth was on my breasts, his attention changing from one to the other, not wanting to leave any part of me untouched. Pushing him back, I climbed onto his lap, wrapping my legs around his waist as his head dove between my breasts, his arms pulling me closer, tighter. His erection pressed against me, hard like steel, and I pushed against it, eliciting another moan to fall from his mouth.

“I needed this,” he said, his words mumbled by my flesh. “I needed you.”

Standing with me still wrapped around him, he turned and lowered me to the bed. Space invaded between us and I almost cried out at the lack of him, but he pushed down his pants, freeing himself, and climbed over me and everything felt right again. Running his hands down my sides, I lifted my hips, allowing him to push down my shorts, my underwear. Then he lay over me, every inch of me covered by his body, his cock hard and heavy between us. He rocked slowly and his hardness slid over my wetness. Reaching between our bodies, he guided himself inside. I gasped, arching as he filled me. Pushing himself in fully, he held himself in place as I squirmed, adjusting to his length and clenching around him. Gripping onto my chin, he lowered the tilt of my head so I looked him in the eye. And then he went back to rocking, slow and gentle, in and out, his gaze never leaving mine. Pushing himself further up my body, he pressed our foreheads together again, our mouths meeting in a messy fumble of passion.

He stayed like that. Slow and gentle. Rocking back and forth until my need grew. Feeling the intensity rising within me, Tyler drew back to look me in the eye again. I arched towards him, my head rolling back but he gripped my chin again.

“Look at me.” He pushed in fully and held himself there until I obeyed. “Don’t look away,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to my lips. “I want to see you.”

It was almost too much looking into his eyes. The closeness of him. The feel of his skin pressed against mine. Our connection. Sparks of desire began to burst like fireworks at the innermost part of my being. They built, rising within me until they exploded and I shattered beneath him. Forcing my eyes to remain open, the sparks reflected in his gaze, my body tight and taut as finally the fireworks subsided and I softened beneath him, feeling as though I was melting into the mattress. It was only then that he moved again. Just a single thrust of the hips and he came undone, his lip caught between his teeth, his eyes resisting the urge to roll back in his head and remaining fixed on mine instead.

When he finally breathed again, when his body softened, he pressed his lips against mine again before collapsing against me, our hearts beating in unison.

“I needed that,” he repeated as he rolled off and lay back on the bed, spent and content. He only lay still for a few moments before twisting over and laying one arm across my waist. “What about you?”

“What about me?” I repeated.

“How are you feeling about all of this?”

Reaching down, I ran my fingers over his shoulder, then up into his hair, pushing it back from where it hung over his forehead. “I think it’s amazing. I think Dante is amazing and you’re amazing and I’m so happy for you.”

A flicker of doubt passed over Tyler. “Are you sure?”

“What’s not to be sure about?”

“Well, for one thing, it’s not just about you and me anymore. I want Dante to be part of my life, part of our lives.”

“And that’s what I want too. There is no way I would ever keep you from your son.”

He sat, his back pressed against the headboard once again, his chest bare and his hard stomach on display. I resisted the urge to reach out and touch him. “Are you sure? This changes things. You never asked for this.”

I let annoyance press my brows together. “Of course I’m sure. What sort of a question is that?”

“But what about—” Tyler cleared his throat and adjusted his position so he could better look at me. “What about kids of your own, our own?”

My gaze flicked away from his. “You know I can’t have children.”

“But do you want to? There are other options we could consider.”

I laughed and got up from the bed, feeling uncomfortable with the conversation. We had only just got back together. We were yet to have any serious talks about our future and I didn’t feel like now was the time. Tyler had enough to deal with. I had enough to deal with. Dante. Diana. Claudia. Work. And goodness knows what would happen when he told Hamish.

“How about we concentrate on the son you’ve just discovered, rather than worrying about any children you may want in the future.” I started to walk towards the bathroom, finding the room claustrophobic, but Tyler leaned over the bed and gripped my arm. That familiar feeling crept up my skin. That one of being unable to move, trapped by his touch, lost in his attention.

“Talk to me,” he encouraged.

I shrugged, resisting the urge to pull against his grip which was now burning into my skin. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I want you to talk to me. I want you to tell me what you want, what you envision for your future, Lauren.”

I dropped my eyes to the ground, suddenly finding the patterned carpet mesmerising. “I don’t know.”

Pulling himself over to the edge of the bed, Tyler never let go of my hand as he sat, turning me so he could grasp my other hand and hold me in front of him. “Look at me,” he urged.

Taking a deep breath I looked into his steel-grey eyes. “Talk to me,” he said again. “I want to know what you want. Where you see us in five years’ time, ten years’ time.”

Chewing on my bottom lip, I dropped my eyes to the ground once again. Why was I finding this so difficult? Why did I suddenly feel pressured, trapped?

“I can’t have children,” I said again quietly. “And I’m not sure if I’d want to explore other options or not. Right now, all I want to do is build the company with Sadie. Make something of myself without worrying about children or anything like that. I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want…” I let my voice trail off. “I’m not sure what I want, to be honest.” Tugging my hands out from his, I sat down on the bed beside him. The softness of the mattress caused his body to dip towards mine. “Is that okay? That I don’t know?”

Picking up the hand that was now discarded on my lap, Tyler pressed his lips to my knuckles. “Yes. But just so we are clear, Lauren Greer, what I want in life is you. That’s it. I’ve got other goals, other things I want to do, want to accomplish, but mostly, all I want is you. I don’t care whether we have children or not. I just want you.”

Tears came unbidden.

“Hey,” he said, reaching out to brush a tear away from my cheek. “Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted it to be clear. I just wanted to let you know that I don’t care about any of that other stuff. After discovering that Hamish and Diana have lied to me for all these years, I don’t ever want to put someone else through that. I am in this one hundred percent, Lauren, whatever that means. Whatever our lives bring.”

The tears came in force then. I don’t know what overcame me. Maybe it was the way he was looking at me so intently. Maybe it was because I feared that his declaration was merely a reaction to the recent revelations in his life. Maybe it was because his questions were making me confront choices and decisions I had purposely put from my mind.

“Lauren?” he questioned, pulling me to him. “Did I say something wrong? I didn’t mean to upset you.”

I was sobbing. Giant breaths of air got stuck in my throat. Fat tears rolled down my cheeks. I needed to get a hold of myself but I couldn’t shake this feeling of dread.

“Lauren, tell me what’s wrong.”

Tearing myself from his embrace, I walked towards the door, not meeting his eye as I pulled a sweater over my head, threaded my arms through the sleeves and put on some shorts. “I need a minute,” I said over my shoulder, my throat tight. “I just need some fresh air.”