LAUREN

 

 

I pressed the buzzer at the bottom of the elevator. I had never pushed it before, never needed to. A sound echoed through the exposed lower level of the building and the door clunked as it released in order for me to enter.

My foot tapped impatiently as the elevator rose to the top level, and I slid the door open when the lift jerked to a stop.

Tyler was sitting on the couch, face covered by his hands when I stepped into the open space. His head lifted at the same time as he rose from the couch, striding over to me and wrapping me in his arms. He breathed in deeply as I tried not to melt into his embrace.

“Thanks for coming. I know you didn’t have to,” he said when he finally released me.

“Is everything okay?” I hadn’t seen Tyler this distraught before. He wore jeans and a shirt, but the top buttons had been ripped off as though the shirt had been strangling him. Or maybe someone else had ripped them off. My heart pounded, and I internally told myself to calm down.

Taking my hand, Tyler led me over to the couch and indicated I should sit. He didn’t though. He paced the floor, hands running through his hair, eyes wild and glazed.

“Tyler please tell me what’s going on. You’ve got me worried.”

“I’m sorry.” He sat beside me. “Shit.” He ran his hands through his hair again and then reached for the tumbler of whiskey on the coffee table, throwing the contents into his mouth and swallowing painfully.

“I did it,” he said finally. “I went and saw my mother.”

So that was what it was all about. I sighed in relief. “And it didn’t go so well?” I prompted.

“She was better than I thought. Turns out she’s got things together. Jake told me she had, but I didn’t believe him.” He ran his hands through his hair again, tugging at the roots. “Shit,” he cursed. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

“At the start?” I suggested ruefully.

“Drink with me?” Tyler got to his feet and walked over to the whiskey bottle sitting on the bench.

“I don’t think I can.” My stomach twisted at the mere thought. But Tyler ignored me, or maybe didn’t hear me, and poured a shot into the glass, holding it out while he tossed his back.

He sat beside me, although he was restless. “I’ve missed you,” he said quietly. Taking my hand again, he rubbed his thumb in circles over the pad of flesh between my thumb and forefinger. Then turning my hand over so my wrist was exposed, he brought it to his mouth, kissing the tender flesh with feather-like softness.

“Tyler.” I pulled away.

“Sorry,” he said again. “I just don’t—” He stopped and started again. “Do you remember when I told you about that summer I went to stay with Mum?”

“The one where you tried to run back to that girl?” How could I forget? Even though it was years before I met him, my heart still constricted a little at the thought of another woman holding his heart.

Tyler nodded. “Well, that’s what really did it for me, the way she dobbed me into my father and he dragged me back home because she didn’t want me. I thought she wanted her life free from children, free from family so she could hide herself in whatever substance took her fancy. I found out today that’s not exactly what happened. There was a reason she called Dad to take me back. And it wasn’t her proclivity for drink or drugs.”

Tyler took my hand again, bringing it back to his mouth and pressing his lips against it. Not really kissing, just touching, like he needed to be sure I was there. I was real.

I didn’t pull away.

“I arrived at her place unannounced. To say she was surprised to see me was an understatement, but that’s the way I wanted it. I didn’t want her to have the opportunity to change her life because I was arriving. I didn’t want to give her the chance to hide. Anyway, it was just her when I arrived. She cried. She cried and she made me a cup of tea. It was awkward, you know? She sat there with these tears glistening and all I could think about was how I didn’t really know her. I knew nothing of the woman in front of me. She looked the same as I remembered. She still wears her hair in the same bob-like cut.” He indicated the length with his hands as though it mattered, as though it were an integral part of the story. “But she was nervous. She kept looking at the clock, looking at the door like she was expecting someone. I thought her dealer would turn up or something. I thought catching her unaware had worked out conveniently but only if I left in time before her true nature reared its head again. She was keen to get rid of me, and even suggested I come back later once she’d had time to ‘tidy up’.” Tyler rolled his eyes. “All these emotions just sort of overwhelmed me. I couldn’t understand how a parent didn’t want to be part of their kid’s life. All this resentment welled up again and I couldn’t help think of all the birthdays she’d missed, all the parts of my life she’s never shown an interest in. I know that Jake thinks it’s my fault we didn’t stay in contact, but all I did was refuse to go and see her. I never once stopped her from seeing me.” Sighing deeply, Tyler let go of my hand and got to his feet. “I need another drink. You ready for another?”

I looked down at the glass. I hadn’t even taken a sip. Tipping the contents onto my tongue, I shuddered as I swallowed the liquid in one gulp and held the now empty glass out for him to refill. Tyler returned with both glasses filled higher than they were before. Even though I’d only had the one, already the warmth crept into my chest and I felt myself breathe a little easier. I tossed the second back, mimicking Tyler.

“No dealer turned up,” Tyler continued. “Instead, I found myself face to face with Claudia. The girl I’d fallen for all those years before.”

My heart dropped into my stomach. I swallowed nervously, annoyance creeping up my spine over the fact that he had called me here in the middle of the night to tell me he had hooked up with an old girlfriend.

“At first, I was pleased to see her. But she was shocked to see me. She went pale, this sort of grey colour, and kept looking at Diana like they were trying to communicate right in front of me without me knowing what they were saying. It was really strange. Then this kid walked in. He’d just finished school and he dumped his bag down on the floor like he owned the place. It didn’t take me long to figure out he was Claudia’s kid. He was the right age. It also didn’t take me long to figure out that it was like looking in a mirror fourteen years ago.”

I looked over at Tyler sharply, unsure if I had heard correctly, but Tyler nodded in response to my unasked question. “He’s mine. I have a son.”

“But,” I stuttered, my head feeling like the sparks of connections were no longer working. “But the baby wasn’t yours.”

“That’s what she told me. Mum found out she was pregnant and told Dad. He then paid her this rather large sum of money so she didn’t ‘ruin my life.’ Claudia said she couldn’t refuse. She was twenty-two. She worked at the local shop, with little other job prospects and she had a kid on the way. It was a choice between me knowing and being a part of the kid’s life or being financially set up. For both her and Dante.”

“Dante?”

Tyler smiled for the first time. “That’s his name. Dante.” It was a brief smile and he wiped it away with the back of his hand, his eyes dimming again. “So when I went running back to Mum, she already knew what had happened. She knew and she supported Dad’s decision to keep it from me. I was only seventeen. I was supposed to take over the company one day, not run away to live with a girl I got pregnant.”

Tyler looked at me pleadingly, but I wasn’t sure what he was pleading for. The sparking connections of my brain still refused to work, causing thoughts to crash against the walls of my mind rather than fully form. I looked down at my empty glass and rose to fill it again, relishing the clouded fog that folded over me.

“Say something,” Tyler urged.

I poured another drink. “I don’t know what to say.” I drank and poured another. “You’re a father.”

“I’m a father,” he repeated. “Claudia pulled me aside once she realised I’d worked things out and explained everything. Dante doesn’t know. He thinks his dad was killed in a mining accident. She asked me not to say anything until she had a chance to explain things to him. If I wanted her to explain things to him.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing. I left.”

“You left?”

“After talking to her and learning all this stuff about my life that I didn’t know, I just needed to get out of there. I drove straight home, got out the whiskey bottle and then called you. I needed to talk to you. I need you to tell me what to do, how to feel about it all. I’m lost.”

Tyler had never looked so small. His dark eyes pleaded with me, his shoulders were hunched and his stance broken. I walked across the space between us and took his face in my hands. “I don’t know what to say, Tyler. You are the only one who can decide how you feel. You are the only one who can decide what to do.”

“But I need you,” he said, bringing his hands up to clasp onto my forearms as I held his face. “I can’t think, I can’t process this without you.” He tilted his head so my hands ran into his hair, and stepped closer, looking up again when he was only inches away, our breath mingling.

Fearing his closeness and my weakness, I took a step back, releasing him. “So what now?”

Dejected, Tyler walked back to the couch. “Claudia said it’s up to me. She’s content for Dante to continue thinking his father died, but if I want him to know, all I have to do is tell her. She told me to take a while and think about it, this isn’t some light decision. But all I could think about was all the stuff I’d already missed out on. His birth. His first smile. His first step. The day he started school. I keep thinking about all the things I don’t know about him. Does he play rugby like I did? Does he even like sports? Maybe he’s a musician like Jake. If Dad knows and Mum knows, who else knows? Were they just going to keep this from me forever?” With a frustrated groan, Tyler leaned back. “He looks like me. His hair’s about the same length as Gabe’s and he has this smile that reminds me of Clark, but he’s me, through and through. It’s like looking into some twisted youthful mirror. And he seemed like a good kid, you know? Shook my hand, looked me in the eye.”

“It sounds to me like this isn’t really a decision.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s yours, Tyler. He’s your son. You know your own anger at your mother for not being there for you. How do you think Dante will feel when he grows up to discover his father was alive all this time and didn’t want anything to do with him? Because he will find out. Secrets always come out.”

Tyler rested his hands behind his head, looking more relaxed and more drunk than he had before. “You’re right. As usual, you’re right. There is no way I cannot know this kid. There is no way I can just return to life as usual, knowing there is some kid running around out there who is part of me.” He sighed and a contented grin spread across his face. “Thank you,” he said.

“For what?” I replied. “All I did was listen.”

“You turned up. You came.” Tyler sat forward, moving closer to me. The effects of the alcohol were plain to see. Glazed eyes, lazy smile. “Stay?” he asked.

I shuffled along the couch, creating distance between us. “I can’t do that.”

“Stay,” he said again, removing the space I created. “Please, just stay with me tonight. I don’t want to be alone. I need you by my side, just for tonight.” He gripped my face in his hands, the faint scent of whiskey drifting over me. “Please,” he said again. Then he kissed me. And the softness and power of his lips dragged me to a place of seduction I had worked so hard to avoid. Pulling me closer, Tyler’s mouth danced over mine, our breath becoming heavy as his hands drifted down my cheeks and over my neck and shoulders, settling themselves as tangled knots in my hair. It felt so good, so natural, as though no time had parted since the last time his lips had been on mine, and yet so desperate, as though years had passed. With the whiskey clouding my thoughts and swaying my body, I tentatively lifted my hands, threading my fingers around his neck and getting entwined in his hair. Tyler moaned in a way that sent tendrils of desire shooting through every inch. My body knew that moan. My body missed the way he handled me, the way he demanded everything at the same time as asking for nothing.

Pulling away for a fraction, Tyler’s eyes fell to the opening of the dress I had hastily pulled on as his hand moved to the exposed skin of my thigh. “God, I’ve missed you.”

His words broke the spell of enchantment and brought me back to reality. “Tyler, we can’t,” I said, my words coming out as pants. “This is a bad idea.”

“No,” he pleaded. The flesh of my thigh burned under his touch. Every cell stood under his attention. Every part of me cried out for his affection. “I need you,” he whispered into my ear, his voice alone causing me to clench my legs together as desire twisted. “Just for tonight, let’s forget about everything else going on in our fucked up lives and just do what feels right. And this feels so right. I need you. I need this. I’ve had this tightness in my chest ever since you left, this compression like I can’t break free and breathe. Let me breathe. Let me be with you, near you, inside you. Tomorrow we can go back to whatever it is we’re supposed to be, but right here, right now, please be with me.”