LAUREN

 

Shutting the door behind me, I walked out into the night. There was a single lamp post on the road outside the hotel. The rest of the street was deserted. Hugging myself and willing some warmth back into my body, I walked along the edge of the road, staring down at the pebbles of gravel beneath my feet.

This wasn’t fair on Tyler. I was here to be his rock and yet I crumbled at the mere mention of children. I had blocked the memories out for so long, shoved them to the back of my mind and now they had come flooding back. The reason I had felt such guilt. The reason I had crumbled when that little life was lost was because I used to think I didn't want children. I remember the first time I voiced it. I was fourteen and my mother had scolded me. She had yelled and told me that children were a gift from God and I should not shun His gifts. She told me I would change my mind. But I didn't. Even when I fell pregnant, there was that little voice in the back of my mind reminding me of those words that I had uttered all those years before. And then, when that little life was taken, I knew it was my fault. My punishment.

Another sob caught in my throat and I fell to my knees. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know if I wanted to try for a child in the future. I didn’t know if I wanted to try other options, if I wanted to face the heartbreak of being refused at an adoption agency or the stress of finding a surrogate. I wanted to be his. I wanted to be a step-motherly figure to Dante. I wanted to run my company. I wanted to be an aunt, a sister, a daughter and one day a wife. But I didn’t know if I wanted to be a mother. Even saying it within my head had swells of nausea crashing through me.

Would Tyler still want me? Would I be enough?

As if he knew the thoughts racing through my head, I heard footsteps crunching over the gravel. He didn’t say a word as he lowered himself to the ground and sat beside me.

“Lauren?”

His fingers brushed my hair away and I lifted my tear-stained face. He was so handsome it hurt. The cold wind of the night danced over his skin causing goose bumps to erupt. His dark hair fluttered in the breeze. His eyes locked on mine and he took a deep breath.

“Lauren,” he said again so quietly it almost got lost in the night. “Everything about my life has changed. This news, it’s made me look at things differently. It’s made me realise that I don’t want to waste a minute with the people I love. You are everything to me, Lauren. I love you. I want to spend my life with you and there is only one thing I can think of that will show you how serious I am.” He took another deep breath, a wide smile transforming his face. “Lauren, will you marry me?”

Shock sliced through me. “No.” The word was out of my mouth before I could stop it, like a gush of air.

“No?” Tyler repeated, his eyes still locked on mine.

I blinked. Once. Twice. Now was not the time to be discussing this. Not when we had only just got back together. Not when Tyler was on this strange high. Not when I wasn’t.

“You don’t want to marry me?” There was hurt in his tone.

“No,” I said again as my heart started to thump. The word just kept coming out with no explanation. I swallowed. “Yes. No. Maybe.” I stumbled to my feet. “It’s not supposed to happen like this. You’re not thinking clearly, Tyler. We’ve only—”

“I am thinking clearly.” Tyler got to his feet, his hands reaching out to grasp my shoulders. “Everything makes perfect sense. I want you. I need you. There is no doubt in my mind I want to marry you.”

My head shook of its own volition. “Tyler, please no, not now. Not with everything that’s going on. We’ve only just got back together. You’ve just discovered you’ve got a son.”

A frown passed over his expression and his hands dropped back to his sides. “You don’t want to be with me?”

“Of course I do,” I rushed to assure him. Nothing was going right. My words weren’t coming out right. Why did he have to do this? Here? Now?

“We can be a family. You, me and Dante.” Tyler was pleading.

“And I’m sure Claudia would be really happy about that.”

“Is that what this is about? Claudia? You’ve got to know I have no feelings for her. Not in that way. In fact, the only feelings I have for her right now are resentment for keeping this from me for so long. You are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. You are the person I love.”

Waves of panic began to wash over me. Trying to sort out my thoughts was like wading through thick syrup, they slid around my mind, never solidifying. “I can’t think.” I started to walk away but Tyler turned me to face him.

“What is there to think about? Do you not love me?”

“Love you?” I laughed and it sounded a little hysterical in the darkness of the night. “Love you?” I said again. “Tyler, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. But you don’t mean this right now. You’re in an emotional place. You—”

“You’re the one who walked outside after starting to cry. Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling, Lauren. I wanted to let you know that none of this, Dante, Claudia, none of this changes how I feel about you.”

“We’ve only just got back together,” I started to say.

“And yet I know I want to be with you forever.” He was firm.

I continued, ignoring him. “It was only weeks ago that you were so jealous of Gabe that we couldn’t be together.”

“I’ve changed.” He took a step forward.

“So quickly?” I scoffed.

Tyler’s jaw tightened. “You don’t believe me?”

“I—I—” I reached a rock on the side of the road and slumped down to sit on it. “I’m scared, Tyler. When Derek left me, I had to rebuild my life from scratch. There was nothing of me without him.” I took a deep breath and looked up to where he glared down at me, the light of the moon illuminating him like a halo. Silently I begged him to understand. “I can’t go through something like that again. I promised I would never put myself in that position again. And then, when you—”

“So that’s it? You’re just never going to trust anyone?” Lowering himself to the ground, he crouched on one knee in front of me. “I’m not Derek, Lauren. I’m not Gabe and I’m not anyone else you might fear I am. I won’t ever desert you. I won’t ever leave you like he did.”

Closing my eyes, I swallowed the knot of panic in my throat. “You already did once.” I looked up at him and saw the pain flood his features. I rushed to continue before my strength left me and I found myself submitting to everything this man wanted. “I don’t know if I want children, Tyler. I might someday, but I might not. I know that might make me selfish, but I can’t put myself through something like that again. The guilt…”

“I want you, Lauren. Just you. Only you.”

Every part of me wanted to surrender. Every part wanted to whisper that one little word. Yes. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Not yet.

Taking my face in his hands he pressed a kiss to my lips. “All you need to do is say yes.”

I placed my hands over his. “I can’t,” I said, pulling his hands away. I couldn’t say yes simply because he wanted me to. It had to be because I wanted to. I wasn’t ready yet. And even though he didn’t agree, neither was he. He was too hopped up on life. Too drunk on the knowledge of his son. “Not yet,” I whispered.

And then I walked into the night and left him on one knee, crouched at the side of the road. I stumbled down the strip of gravel on the roadside, aware of the solitary figure I was leaving behind.

I loved him.

He loved me.

Shouldn’t that be enough? Shouldn’t the choice be simple?

But it wasn’t. Not for me. Not for him. He wasn’t thinking clearly. He wasn’t remembering the way he used to feel, the way he might still feel when confronted with Gabe. He wasn’t thinking of the rumours that would be whispered at our wedding.

I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t even know where I was, but I needed to get away. I needed my thoughts to stop tossing around my head, nauseating me.

I’m not sure how long I wandered. There was no fear of being lost, there was only one road. A couple of cars drove past, their headlights cutting across the tarseal. Someone stopped and asked if I was okay and that was when I turned back. Tyler would be worried.

Having forgotten to take a key with me, I knocked on the hotel door. It swung open immediately and relief flooded Tyler’s expression as he pulled me close.

“I was worried.”

“I know,” I said against his chest. “I’m sorry. I just needed time to clear my head.”

He pulled me back at arm’s length and studied me as though I’d been away a long time and he’d forgotten how I looked. His eyes scoured my body as though looking for injuries and it occurred to me how I must have looked to the man on the road who stopped to ask if I was okay. I was dressed in shorts and a baggy sweater. My hair was wind-tossed and knotty. My feet were bare.

“Here’s the thing,” Tyler started, but I stopped him by pressing my lips to his.

When I broke away he smiled. “What was that for?”

“To let you know I love you. You know that, right? You know that—” This time it was Tyler who cut off my words with a kiss.

“Yes,” he said after slowing down our tangled lips. “I know.” He smiled against my mouth. “So does that mean you’ll say yes?”

I pulled away. “Tyler.” He looked so hopeful. “I can’t.”

His smile fell. “I don’t understand,” he said. “You say you love me, you say you want to be with me but you’re still saying no.”

“I’m not saying no,” I replied, looking into his eyes and pleading for him to understand. “I’m saying not yet.”

He nodded. “Okay then.” He forced a smile. “Not now. I can live with that.” Reaching for the door, he pulled it open again. “I think I’ll just head out for that run now. I need to clear my head.”

* * *

He woke me with a coffee. The scent of it hung heavily in the air and I stretched.

“Morning beautiful,” Tyler said and I heard the cup getting placed on the table beside the bed. “You ready to get up?”

Finally opening my eyes, I looked over at the clock. “It’s early.”

Tyler smiled but it was tight, forced. It didn’t reach his eyes. I didn’t know what time he had returned from his run. I had fallen asleep after an hour of waiting for him to come back.

“Dante’s game starts in an hour. I don’t want to be late.” His voice was flat.

Frowning, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and sat up, grabbing the coffee from the table and bringing it to my lips. It was hot, a little bitter, but just what I needed. I inhaled its aroma and looked back up at Tyler.

“I thought I wasn’t coming.”

“Why not?”

“Because Claudia said so.”

“She did?”

I nodded and took another sip of coffee.

“Huh.” Tyler looked confused, as though he couldn’t recall the conversation and got to his feet. “Well, I want you there.” Then he looked back at me. “That is if you want to come. The weather is not all that nice out there. Raining.”

“I’ll come,” I replied, stifling a yawn. “I’ll just jump through the shower first.”

I showered quickly and threw on some clothes. Jeans, a sweater and the boots Tyler had given me for the worksite all those months ago. Tyler was quiet on the ride there. If he caught my eye he would smile but it was another of those forced ones. I knew our conversation from the night before was weighing on his mind. It was weighing on mine too. But I didn’t know what else to say. How do you act once you’ve turned down a proposal?

We arrived at the field and Dante waved us over, introducing us to his teammates, a smile plastered on his face as he called Tyler his dad. He had inherited Tyler’s height. At fourteen, he stood almost as tall as his father.

The rain was only a light drizzle but I shivered with the cold as the little droplets stuck to my hair.

“Here.” Tyler shrugged out of his jacket and draped it over my shoulders. I hadn’t thought to bring one.

“Morning!” Diana called cheerfully as the boys left to warm up by running around the field.

“Mum.” Tyler nodded in her direction quickly before training his eyes back on Dante.

Diana froze, her eyes searching out mine. I could almost see the thoughts racing through her mind. She walked over and stood close. “Did he just call me mum?” she asked beneath her breath.

“I believe he did,” I replied, warmth spreading within me at the brightness of her smile.

Diana tugged her jacket and hugged her arms around herself. “And how are you today, my dear? Sleep okay in that horrible wee motel?”

I wanted to reply that my sleep was wrought with worry. That I woke feeling stiff and sore and sick. But instead, I smiled and replied, “I slept fine, thanks.”

“You’re here.” Claudia’s voice sounded behind us. I knew it was directed at me, but it was Tyler who answered.

“I said I would be.”

Claudia narrowed her eyes, flashing a look my way but then went to stand beside Tyler. “I had thought that you would spend some time with your son today. Alone,” she emphasised.

Tyler didn’t even look at her. “He looks good out there, doesn’t he?” He nodded to where Dante ran around the field with his teammates, each of them running to an unheard beat, their footsteps thumping in time.

Claudia pulled her jacket tighter. The wind had come up and blew her hair around her face. Droplets of rain splattered onto the ground. “He’s a good player,” she said. “Like his father.”

Tyler laughed coldly. “You never even saw me play. You barely knew me at all.”

She lowered her voice, but not enough that I couldn’t hear. “I would have liked to.”

He turned to look at her then. “You never gave me the chance,” he said coldly. “To know you, or our son.”

“Tyler, you know that—”

“Yes, I know,” he cut her off. “You were young and single and didn’t have a penny to your name. My father’s offer was too much to say no to.”

“He made me promise not to contact you. He said if I ever did, he would take everything away. My house, the allowance, Dante’s trust fund.”

Tyler left her side and came to stand by me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “Warm enough?” he asked.

I smiled and nodded, huddling into his side. Tyler was acting as though nothing was wrong, that our conversation wasn’t on replay in his mind but he couldn’t quite pull it off. His arm was too tense around my shoulders. His actions too stilted.

“Have you told him?” Tyler asked, looking over my head at his mother.

“Who?” she asked, feigning ignorance. But you could tell by the tightness in the set of her chin, she knew exactly who.

“Hamish.”

“No,” Diana shifted a step away. “I thought I would leave that to you. I know I’ve interfered enough in your life for someone who hasn’t been present for most of it. I’d like to change that.”

Tyler’s jaw rocked. “Thanks.”

The bell sounded, the boys walked onto the pitch and the batsman knocked his bat against the ground, ready for the first ball to be bowled. Tyler released me, stepping closer to the sideline, his eyes locked on Dante.