Jackie

“Mom, do you have a boyfriend?” Tristan asked me at dinner Friday.

I managed not to drop a casserole dish full of macaroni and cheese right onto the dining room floor, because that would have answered the question with a bang.

“Why are you asking me that?” I hedged.

“I was over at Wyatt’s, and his mom asked me about your new boyfriend.”

Well, eff you very much, Wendy. Why would she not ask me a question like that directly? Then I remembered guiltily that I had turned down several requests from her to go out for coffee or a run. Between packing up the house and doing the paintings for my show in the fall, I’d been too busy.

The fact that she knew was no surprise. The first time Leo had parked his car in front of my house, she probably ran his plates or something. She was Block Watch and TMZ all rolled up in one ankle-booted package.

“I have started dating.” This wasn’t exactly how I’d pictured breaking the news to the kids. Hannah pretended to be absorbed in pouring water. There was a short silence as everyone helped themselves to dinner.

“Who?” Tristan finally asked.

“It’s Leo Gauthier,” I answered.

“Whoever that is.” Hannah was in full-throttle sarcasm.

“He’s the hockey coach whose apartment I decorated.”

Silent chewing greeted this remark.

I could tell that Tristan was done with the topic now, but Hannah looked upset. So after dinner, I went to her room. I knocked on her door and waited. The old knock-and-walk-in was forbidden now.

“Come in.”

She was sitting on her bed with her laptop open. Minx was snoozing next to her. I sat down beside them.

“How’s the homework going?”

“Good, I’m almost done.”

“Listen, I need to make a website for my paintings. Do you think you could help me with that?”

Hannah eyed me with a mix of suspicion and excitement. She loved being the expert, but she must have been wondering if this was a bribe. “Will I get paid?”

“Paid? Well, I thought you could give me pointers. You have a website, don’t you?”

“I have a Tumblr page. It’s probably not what you need.” She closed her laptop. “I guess you don’t want to spend money, right?”

“Right. It’s something that the gallery lady suggested that I have, but I’m not expecting to make money or anything.”

“I’ll check into your options,” Hannah answered. Then she made a little note in her glittery blue planner. Hannah was more organized than me. She stretched out on the bed, rubbed Minx’s fat belly, and then the purring began.

Time to broach the big issue. I cleared my throat. “I’m really sorry about the way that whole dating thing went down. I wanted to tell you properly, but I didn’t feel like there was any rush.”

“It’s no big deal. But it is a double standard.” She rolled onto her back. Her eyebrows were knotted in a frown. “If I went out with someone and didn’t tell you, you’d have a fit.”

“That’s completely different. I’m your mother.”

“It’s not different. If you get to have a private life, I should too.”

I frowned. Hannah liked to argue, but she knew that these two things were not parallel. “A young girl needs guidance because the things she does have consequences for the rest of her life. I’m responsible for you.”

“I’m mature enough to know what’s right or wrong.”

“I know you’re mature, and that’s a very good thing. But adolescents go through a lot of hormonal changes, so that affects their judgment. I’m not saying that you’re not going to make good decisions, only that it’s good to have a back-up system—that’s me.”

“Look who’s talking about hormones,” she muttered.

“What does that mean?”

“You and Dad are the worst.”

Ouch. Her comment hit a nerve because I had been feeling more like a hormonal teenager than myself lately. Empathy won out over anger though. Poor Hannah had to see both her parents going out with new people. Should I offer not to date? But giving her control over my love life wasn’t the right thing to do either.

There was a long silence. I put my hand on her shoulder, and I could feel the tension. Finally, she mumbled something about “her turn.”

“What’s that, sweetheart?”

“It’s supposed to be me! I’m supposed to be the one going out and instead I have to deal with you guys acting like teenagers.” She burst into tears.

“Oh, honey.” I rubbed her back as she buried her face into a pillow and sobbed.

“It must be hard for you to have to deal with all this,” I said.

She nodded with only the back of her head visible. But I was pretty sure that this wasn’t about me dating.

“Is there anything else bothering you?”

She raised her head and I pulled her up against me in a fierce hug. She hiccupped. “I’m a freak.”

“You’re not.”

“I am. You don’t know. All my friends at school are so into guys. They’re always talking about which guys are hot. I pretend I like someone, but it’s all fake. I’m a total phony.”

I squeezed her even tighter. I felt upset and helpless at the same time. “It’s completely natural not to be interested in boys yet. You’re only twelve.”

“But so are my friends,” she wailed. “I’m a freak and there’s something wrong with me.”

“You’re normal.”

“What would you know? You used to be one of the popular girls.” She said that as if it were a crime.

“Again, don’t compare yourself to anyone. You don’t know how they feel in private. Sure, I had fun in high school, but I went through a lot of tough times too. Everyone does. Everyone feels insecure.”

Hannah groaned. “Lindsay and Jenna don’t. Their lives are perfect.”

“You don’t know that.” I stroked her hair. “Sweetie, everyone develops at different ages. There will be years and years for you to like guys. Be interested in whatever you want.”

We sat there for a long time with the only sound an occasional sniff from Hannah. Then Minx stretched out and fell off the bed, which started both of us giggling.

Maybe it would be better for her not to hang out so much with Lindsay and Jenna. I’d noticed they’d been dressing and wearing makeup like they were a lot older. But that would be up to her.

Thanks to Wendy breaking the news, it was time for the kids to meet Leo. The hockey season was over, so his work schedule was more flexible and we could make plans.

I was a little stressed about it, but Leo calmed me down. “Why don’t we do something active and fun?”

“Like what? Too bad it’s May and there’s no more skating on Grouse Mountain.”

“We could go biking,” he suggested.

“Sure. Or how about mini-golf? Tristan loves mini-golf. And then we’ll go out for dessert after.”

Of course, Leo turned out to be a fabulous mini-golfer, which impressed both Tristan and me. Tristan was excited to meet a real, professional hockey coach and peppered Leo with questions.

“Do you ever get to meet the Millionaires players?”

“Well, sure. Next season, players will be going up and down between the Vice and the Millionaires all the time.”

“Wow, so you’ll be coaching NHL players?”

Leo laughed. “I’ve coached a few guys who have made it to the NHL. The job of the AHL is to prepare guys for the show.”

“Wow, cool. Maybe you can give me some tips too.”

“Sure. Also, you know Chris Luczak, right?”

“Of course! He’s the best captain the Millionaires ever had.”

“Well, he’s my boss,” Leo said.

“Your boss! You see him every day? Does he yell at you?” Tristan’s idea of a hockey boss seemed to be tied up with this year’s hockey coach.

Leo laughed. “Well, not so far.”

“Wow. That’s so cool.”

“Your mother’s met him too. We went out to dinner together.”

Tristan gave me a look of utter shock and betrayal. It was like I melted down his Legos, sawed his skateboard in half, and forced him to eat a vegan dinner—all at once.

“You met Lucky Luczak and didn’t even tell me?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize what a big deal he was.” Also, that was when I wasn’t even talking about Leo, so explaining the whole evening was impossible. All the more reason to tell your kids right away, I guess.

“Mom.” Tristan shook his head.

“It’s your shot, Mom,” Hannah said in an aggrieved voice. She was clearly reserving her judgment about Leo. That was fine with me. All I wanted was for the kids to get to know him a little. It was bound to be complicated for Hannah, who was thoughtful and sensitive.

But when we went for ice cream afterwards, I was pleased to see Leo making an effort to talk to Hannah. He asked her about music and then listened attentively to her answers. She always complained about not getting enough respect around our house, so she appreciated the audience.

Leo seemed like the perfect man. I had to keep reminding myself not to get too involved. He had warned me. But still, if we continued to go out for a year, how could we not get more attached?

“I like him, Mom,” Tristan said as we drove home. “Imagine getting paid to coach hockey. He’s in good shape too. Did he ever play in the NHL?”

“He played professional hockey in Europe. But not in the NHL.” I looked across at Hannah. “What do you think?”

She shrugged. “Better than Margaret.”

There was a silence and then she added, “You’re definitely in a better mood since you started seeing him. You’re not on our backs all the time. So that’s worth something.”

Faint praise, but I’d take it.