Jackie

“Fuuuuck. Are those rat droppings?”

Sharon and I looked down at the worn floorboards.

“Maybe someone was eating raisins?” I suggested.

We were looking at yet another potential candidate for our flipping project. This was a former rooming house in Strathcona. It had been chopped up into a maze of rooms, and the main decorating theme was post-apocalypse.

She hooted. “Now I’m never eating raisins again. Seriously, Jackie, you are as optimistic as fuck. I’ve never been through houses with anyone like you. All I can see is the work that we’re going to need to bring the place up to code.”

“But there’s so much potential.” I said. I’d always been able to visualize how things could be. I didn’t know if it was a gift or a curse. “If we opened up these walls, you’d have a wonderful open concept living/dining room.”

Sharon trudged over and knocked on the wall. “Yeah, it sounds a little hollow, like this was added later.”

“And there’s a nice back yard with that beautiful maple. Put a patio and some plants in and add sliding doors in the kitchen to let some light in.”

“Ka-ching. I’ll have to cost out all your ideas. Look at these floors, Jackie. They’re so damaged. They’re a gorgeous fir, but it looks like someone drove a rototiller through here. I think we’re better off with the place we saw in East Van.”

I nodded. That home had been in a lot better shape, and Sharon figured that a lot of the repairs we needed to make were cosmetic. It needed a new kitchen and two new bathrooms, but the house was in good shape and it had a new roof. Besides, if the real estate market did crash—fingers crossed for not—the kids and I could move in instead. We’d be staying in the same neighbourhood.

We thanked Carole for showing us the place, then hopped into Sharon’s truck and drove off.

“How you doing, kiddo?” Sharon asked.

“I’m good. I’m over it,” I told her.

Splitting up with Leo had been rough, but I’d bounced back quickly. It was over a month since I’d walked out of his place, and I’d been busy the whole time. Getting the kids settled into their new home and new school was a big task. And my project with Fiona had started, so I really had zero time to mope or reflect on all the what-ifs. Another good thing was that Amanda’s new condo was delayed, so I didn’t have to work with her and hear all about the Vancouver Vice.

“That’s good. No man is worth more than a week of crying. Brent’s got the kids this weekend, right?”

“Yup. I’m going to work on my paintings for the show.” My art exhibition was coming up. Sharon had rigged up the lighting for my basement studio, and I’d been painting my head off. The only problem was that I kept changing paintings that were supposed to be done.

“Listen, Marco’s having a bbq tonight. You want to come by?” Sharon’s voice was too casual.

“This isn’t a fix-up, is it? I hate that stuff.”

“No, of course not.” She kept her eyes on the road, so I knew she was fibbing.

“C’mon, Sharon.”

“Okay, Jesus, Jackie. You need to go out and have fun. Get back on the horse.”

“Who’s the horse?”

“One of Marco’s friends. Apparently he saw you at my parents’ anniversary party, and he thinks you’re cute.”

“No. Not interested.”

Maybe I was afraid of getting hurt again, or maybe I still thought way too much about Leo at night. I longed to feel the strength of his arms around me again. I missed his confidence and certainty. Still, that was the problem—he was also certain that he didn’t need a real relationship. What would it be like to be so sure of yourself?

“Look, it’ll be a nice dinner. Gina is a good cook. And there will be a bunch of people there, so it’s not one of those obvious fix-ups. If you don’t like him, you don’t even have to talk to him.”

I wasn’t going to like him. How creepy was it when someone had noticed you, and you didn’t even know who he was? “I can remember you telling Marco not to fix me up with his poker buddies. Why the change?”

“Fuck, I don’t know. I guess I’m worried about you. You seem okay on the outside, but your insides aren’t really happy.”

“Like a blissful bladder? Happiness is overrated.”

“Okay, that really doesn’t sound like you. You’re usually all sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows.”

But it was reality. I had a ton of things to be grateful for. Hannah and Tristan had both eased into their new school with barely a ripple. They had new friends, the teachers were great, and I had met some nice parents too. I had the rental house fixed up the way I liked it. Brent’s alimony payments meant that I could manage my part-time jobs and be there when the kids got home. So I was content. Maybe content wasn’t the same as happy, but I couldn’t expect fireworks all the time.

“You were the one who complimented me on waiting for a decent guy instead of going out with anyone who asked,” I said. “I’m going to find someone in my own way.”

“Your own way? The odds of running into another naked guy at work are pretty fucking low. You at least have to try.”

I shook my head. Right now, I didn’t want to go out with anyone who wasn’t a French-Canadian coach of a local AHL team.

Sharon growled. “Okay, here’s your choice: either come to the bbq tonight or sign up for online dating.”

What kind of horrible choice was that?

“Jackie.” Marco wrapped me in a bear hug. “Great that you could come.”

“Thanks for having me,” I replied, instead of the truth: Your sister forced me to be here. As my little rebellion, I hadn’t bothered to fix myself up at all. I was wearing jeans, a white shirt, and zero jewellery. I didn’t look unattractive, but I certainly hadn’t tried hard.

Marco’s girlfriend Gina hugged me too. “Jackie, it’s been so long. Come on in, and I’ll get you a drink.”

We went into the massive kitchen, and I recalled the conversation I’d had with Sharon about why Gina and Marco had never gotten married. Was this what happened if you never had the conversation about what you really wanted? You got to keep playing house. Was Gina happy? She’d never been married or had kids, and now it was probably too late. Was it enough to be Marco’s girlfriend and not even his fiancée?

Maybe I did the right thing by telling Leo how I felt. I had agonized over my big mouth for so long. But it would have been much, much worse to pretend I didn’t love him just to maintain some kind of relationship. To have to make love to someone and never have moments of true tenderness afterwards would be torture. I had a rush of relief. I’d been honest, and that was the right thing to do.

“What are you smiling about?” Gina asked. She handed me a wine cooler. I felt a little sorry for her. She shouldn’t have been such a doormat with Marco.

“Oh nothing,” I said. But it was something. Ironically, coming here made me happier for a completely different reason. We went out to the backyard where a raucous game of bocce was going on. It was only men playing, something that Sharon was already complaining about.

As I chatted with Gina, I noticed a man staring at me. He was big and beefy, with gold chains gleaming in his dark chest hair. And I could see this because his shirt was unbuttoned nearly down to his navel. He flashed me a grin and then a slow wink. Damn it, Sharon! This was someone you thought could make me happy?

“Hey, Gina, you got some food over there?” he called out, and then he started walking towards us.

Instinctively, I backed away, only to step on the toes of someone behind me.

“Ouch,” said a low voice. I turned around to see a tall man with reddish brown hair and tortoiseshell-rimmed glasses.

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” I looked over my shoulder and Mr. Goldchains was still advancing. “Could you do me a big favour and pretend you know me?”

“Well, uh, sure.” He agreed, then raised a puzzled eyebrow. “How am I supposed to do that?”

“I don’t know. We could talk and laugh, you know, like old buddies.” I smiled up at him and put a hand on his arm.

“Ha, ha, ha.” His chuckle was totally forced, and we both laughed in response.

“You’d make a horrible spy,” I told him.

“Luckily I’m an accountant, so that’s never been a problem for me.”

“Really? You look like an accountant.”

He sighed. “Story of my life. I wish I looked like a spy. I wonder what a spy even looks like.”

“James Bond, of course.” I took a surreptitious peep over my shoulder and found that Goldie was now talking to Gina. Whew. “Okay, thank you. I think I’m safe now. You can go back to whatever you were doing.”

“What exactly is going on?”

“Ugh. It’s a long story. You know Sharon, right?”

“Sure. Marco’s sister and the terror of the Zennaro family.”

I laughed. “You do know her. Anyway, she forced me to come to this bbq because there’s some creep who wants to be fixed up with me.” I shuddered. “I hate that stuff, and I’m trying to avoid him.”

When I looked back at my new friend, he was blushing furiously.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

His mouth twitched and there was a short silence. “Gotta be straight with you here. It’s me. I’m the creep that wanted to be fixed up with you.”

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I thought it was that man over there, the one with the gold chains.”

He chuckled. “Lou? Sorry, Jackie, but he’s not that into you.” He lowered his voice. “Lou has a little crush on Gina.”

My eyes widened. “What? Marco’s girlfriend?”

He nodded. “He thinks Marco doesn’t appreciate her enough. I don’t think it’s anything real. If she were suddenly available, he’d probably run a mile in the opposite direction.”

That made sense too. There were a lot of men who liked things that were unattainable. But this crush flipped my view of Gina. She had options. I sighed. “Life is complicated.”

“Yeah.”

There was an awkward silence. I had to readjust my thinking about him too. This guy wasn’t unattractive and he seemed nice. And I felt bad about insulting him.

“Can we start again?” I asked.

“Sure,” he replied. “But once again, I’m not quite sure how we do that.”

I held out my hand. “Hi. I’m Jackie Wagner.”

He reached out with a warm, firm grip. “The name’s Bramley. Sid Bramley.”

I laughed loudly. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Sharon watching us with a smug expression on her face.