Jackie

“Papa!”

Charlotte ran over and flung her arms around Leo. He picked her up and swung her. She dropped her head back and laughed in delight as they went round and round. When they finally stopped, she staggered around the room in dizzy, drunken circles of delight.

Once we returned from Saturna, I took my kids straight to Brent’s place where they would go off on another holiday. I spent the night at Leo’s place, but on Monday, he had to work. Charlotte and I went to my rental house. It was empty now, but I had lots of prep work to do. Charlotte loved being helpful, so she got to join me in cleaning and painting. Later, we explored the new neighbourhood and found a colourful café with kids toys and children’s drinks. At the end of the day, we brought a pizza back to Leo’s. He messaged me to say he had to work late because he was taking the next day off. Tomorrow was Charlotte’s last day in Vancouver as well as her birthday. When he finally walked in the door, she pounced on him.

Leo was watching his daughter with the sweetest smile on his usually stern face. However many shields he put up at work or even with me, with Charlotte there was only pure, tender love.

Suddenly I felt this enormous emptiness inside me. I wasn’t jealous of Charlotte; she was a gentle spirit who deserved all his love and more. But I was jealous of that time in Leo’s life when he was open. When he fell in love with Sophie, they got married and they had their lovely daughter. It was a time when he didn’t shut part of himself off. And tears welled up in my eyes for all the people like the two of us who fell in love and then got hurt. Would we ever be the same again—open and ready to love?

Before Leo noticed my tears, I went to the kitchen. I dabbed my eyes with a tissue and took a deep breath. I swiped at the countertop with a dishcloth, but there was nothing to do here. I could still hear their voices in the next room.

“Ah, chaton, is it time for bed now?”

“No, Papa. It’s too early. I’m almost eight now.”

He laughed. “You’re an old lady. What time do eight year-olds go to bed?”

“Ten o’clock!”

“How about 8:30, with double bedtime stories?” he asked.

“And a cookie,” she said. I smiled. Charlotte would be as good a negotiator as her father one day. They both snuck into the kitchen. I crossed my arms and pretended to be stern since forbidden fruit was always tastier.

“What? Cookies at this time?”

Charlotte’s eyes widened and then crinkled at the corners when she realized I was teasing. “Papa told me it was okay.”

I smiled. “Well, if Papa said so, I guess it’s okay.”

“Thank you, Jackie.” She wrapped her arms around my hips and squeezed. I stroked her silky hair. I was going to miss her so much. My eyes met Leo’s over her head, and he was smiling. Then she took two cookies and immediately handed one to him. “So, you’ll have more energy to read. Also, I want a piggy-back ride to my room.”

Leo shook his head. “All right, your highness. Anything else? A parade of cats while you brush your teeth?”

She giggled and clapped her hands. “Yes!”

He pointed at the cat, who was grooming himself in the middle of the kitchen floor. “You’ll have to settle for Mao licking his butt.”

This only made Charlotte laugh hysterically. She was so wound up now that it would take more than two stories to get her settled down, but after all, it was their last night together. They should enjoy every moment.

It took almost an hour to get Charlotte settled down. Leo walked into the living room stretching out his neck.

“She’s a tough out. You want a beer?”

“No, thanks. I’m fine.”

He nodded, then went to the kitchen and returned with a beer and a piece of pizza. He collapsed onto the couch and stretched out his arms.

“Can’t believe she’s going back to Montréal so soon.”

I moved next to him. “You’re really going to miss her.”

He nodded. “Thank you, Jackie. The whole thing this summer would not have worked without you. I underestimated the amount of time and attention Charlotte needs.”

Like every dad ever. But I didn’t voice that ungenerous thought. The first weekend that Brent took the kids, he was almost shell-shocked afterwards because he’d never been on duty for two days solid. There was always me or his mother around to pick up the slack, so he could put his feet up and watch football for a few hours. It wasn’t that kids needed constant attention; it was that when they needed your attention, they needed it right away. It was like being an emergency room doctor on call.

“We were all happy to have Charlotte around. She’s a sweetheart. When will you see her again?”

Leo shook his head. “Depends on the schedule, but probably not until Christmas. And we only get a few days off then.”

“That’s rough.” I rubbed his thigh, feeling the tensed muscle through his navy chinos.

“What’s rough is how much she’s gonna change in that time. Every time I see her again, she’s different. And getting to know her so well this summer makes that worse. All the things she loves now, who knows if she’ll even care about them by next summer.”

He rubbed his forehead. “When I took this job, I knew it was the perfect fit for what I wanted to do. But what I didn’t realize was how tough it would be not to see Charlotte. And if Sophie moves to the States, it’s gonna be that much harder.”

I felt so sorry for Leo. His face looked solemn. I used to think he was unreadable, but now I knew the subtle signs of his emotion.

“Isn’t there any way to see her more? What if they moved closer?”

Leo frowned as he considered this. “I guess. Seattle would be better than Montréal. Depends what Sophie wants.”

“Brent and I have a clause in our divorce agreement that neither of us can move without a mediated consultation.” Not that we had plans to move, both of us were from here, and Brent’s career was in Vancouver. Just another clause my very efficient divorce lawyer had inserted. It was also my opinion that everyone catered to Sophie’s whims too much, but I kept that to myself.

“Do kids change less as they get older?” he asked. There was a plaintive tone in his voice, but I couldn’t give him the answer he wanted.

“Honestly? No. They change even more. Not only puberty, but they begin to try on new thoughts and ideas. You want to be there for that because they need guidance and rules. Sometimes kids want to rebel, but they like having a safety net too.”

“I saw the former coach with his grown daughters at the hospital, you know, after his heart attack. I saw a sense of duty, but not love. It was painful to witness.” He spoke flatly, but I could sense the sadness and fear.

I put my arms around his neck and squeezed him in a hug. “Oh, Leo. That could never happen to you. I see how much Charlotte adores you, that’s never ever going to change.”

“J’espère,” he muttered in French, holding me tightly. “She is everything to me.”

He was a wonderful dad. “Listening to the two of you tonight, it was like witnessing something beautiful. This sweet side of you is....” Again, I felt the tears rising up in me. Leo appeared tough and unemotional, but I knew what he was really like. I closed my eyes and kissed blindly at his throat.

“I love you, Leo.”

The tension in his body was immediate. It was like his limbs were replaced with steel. He loosened his grip on me, and I heard a brief sigh.

His voice was soft. “Thank you, Jacqueline.”

Thank you? That wasn’t the response I’d been hoping for. I pulled away and stared at him. “Is that it?”

His eyes narrowed. “I’m sorry. This is not the right time for this discussion. I’ve got a lot going on with Charlotte and Sophie tomorrow.”

“Discussion? It’s not a discussion. I told you how I felt, and you said, ‘Thank you.’ I’d actually call that insulting.”

Leo shook his head. “You’re being too emotional.”

“No, you’re not being emotional enough. I know it’s there inside you. Why don’t you open up to me the way you do with Charlotte?”

“I told you from the beginning, I can’t give you a real relationship and you said that was fine.” He sounded like he was quoting from an insurance policy.

“But that was months ago. We’ve been through so much since then. That night when I found out about Brent and Margaret, all our times with the kids, Saturna. The things you’ve said to me, I’ve treasured them....” I couldn’t stop the tears from spilling down my cheeks. “How can you be so cold?”

He reached for me, but I slapped his hands away.

“I’m sorry, Jackie. I do care about you, very much. But my priorities are Charlotte and my work. You think I’m busy now, wait until the season really gets underway. I can’t handle any more.”

“That’s crap. Is every hockey coach in the world some kind of monk? No! It is possible to work and have a relationship at the same time.” But every word I spoke closed Leo off more. Maybe he’d heard all these arguments before. I’d become one of the many women in his life who let him down by not practicing his Mr. Spock-brand of emotion-free coupling.

“I don’t want to go through another separation,” he murmured. He had stopped trying to touch me and was sitting slumped against the couch. His voice sounded more resigned than anything else.

“It doesn’t have to end badly,” I said. But I sounded exactly like Tristan on the day the divorce was finalized. “It’s dumb, Mom, but I thought you and Dad would get back together.” That one sentence shattered me. Because Tristan and I were these stupid optimists who hoped for a happy ending while everything around us pointed to the opposite.

But I was different now. I was stronger. I was more confident. And I was older. I couldn’t wait around in a relationship hoping that I could convince someone to love me. With crystal clarity, I saw that what I loved about him made it impossible to change him. He was a rock. He would be there for Charlotte, his family, even Sophie—always. But he gave love on his own terms. And that love wasn’t for me.

“Thank you,” I said softly.

His head jerked up in surprise.

“I’ve learned so much from you. About how to be more selfish.”

He smiled sourly. “I’m sure that many people would agree that I know how to take care of Number One.”

“Selfish is maybe not the right word. But I let people walk over me, and I kept putting other people’s needs ahead of my own. I’m trying to balance that now.” I took a deep breath. “I spent too long letting Brent prioritize business and finances ahead of me. We both love the kids, but we shouldn’t have let our relationship take a back seat to everything else.”

Leo didn’t reply to that. He drank his beer and waited.

“I know what I want: someone who makes me a priority. You don’t have room in your life for anyone else.”

He bowed his head again. I knew Charlotte was on his mind. Possibly this was the worst night to do this, but my love should be a comfort and not a burden. Besides, once I couldn’t play by his relationship rules, it was over.

I continued, “I’m not like you. I love my kids, but people are more important to me than work. I thought I could date you and not get all serious, but I care too much about you to keep going like this.”

He looked up at me and pain marred his face. He did care about me—but not enough to change.

I stood up. My emotions were overflowing this room.

“You’re way smarter than me. And you’re better educated too, I get all that. But I understand people, that’s my strength. I can see exactly what you’re doing. You don’t want to make any lasting connections or relationships that will prevent you from packing up and going on to the next job. I’m not even sure if it’s your ambition or if you’re still afraid of getting hurt like you did in your first marriage. Believe me, I understand about that pain.”

Leo sat motionless on the couch. Was I even getting through to him? “It’s like those people in the videos with the colour blindness correcting glasses I was telling you about. They put on the glasses for the first time, and they can’t believe it. They start crying and talking about how beautiful everything is. That could be you. The world could be even more beautiful if you open yourself up to caring and emotion. If you won’t even try to feel everything for me that I feel for you... well, there’s no point in us going on.”

He rose and came close, but didn’t touch me. “I told you what you could expect from me, Jackie. I’m sorry that’s not enough, but I know myself well enough to know what I’m capable of.”

“No! You only know what you are. You have no idea what you could be.”

With me. What I felt for Leo was beautiful and full of potential. I admired his strength, his intelligence, his calm. And our attraction was off the charts. But I had already been hurt enough, and I wasn’t willing to love someone again when I knew it would end up in pain. As soon as the call came from the NHL, he’d be gone and would never look back. And I deserved more than that.

So I left.