Jackie

I walked in the house and kicked off my sandals. They echoed hollowly as they clattered to the floor. The utter emptiness struck me. No Hannah or Tristan. Even Minx was hidden somewhere. She was not happy about the mess of labelled boxes and rearranged furniture that had taken the place of the comfortable home she was used to. Who could blame her? I wasn’t happy either. I was used to walking into a home that felt like a comforting hug instead of a reminder of everything I still had to do.

It was ridiculous to feel this upset about Brent and Margaret. We’d both moved on. I wasn’t pining for him; I had lots of new things going on in my life. So why did I feel like this? Was it jealousy? Did I want to get married again? Or was it finding out by accident? Like I didn’t even matter.

I needed to destress somehow. It was too late for a run. Maybe a hot bath and a cup of tea? My go-to solutions, but they didn’t feel like enough right now. I put the kettle on anyway.

Tap. Tap.

The gentle knock startled me. When I looked outside, Leo was standing on the front porch. I unlocked the door.

“Did I forget something?” I asked.

He shook his head. “I did. Can I come in?”

I hesitated. I wasn’t in the mood for entertaining. Or sex either, I’d made that clear. “Leo, I’m sorry. I don’t have the energy tonight.”

Leo closed the distance between us and wrapped his arms around me. “It’s not about sex, Jackie. I can’t leave you alone when you feel so lousy.”

Something broke open inside me. I’d respected the distance that Leo put between himself and others—everyone but Charlotte. We were going out, we were having amazing sex, we were having fun, and he was always supportive and helpful. But for the first time, he was offering a real part of himself.

I leaned my head against him and let his strength flow through me. Leo was full of certainty, and that was exactly what I needed now. We stood there for a long time, until the kettle’s whistling interrupted.

“Why don’t you get ready for bed? I’ll bring you a cup of tea.”

The angular lines of his face softened when he smiled. I put a hand up to caress his cheek.

“Thank you so much.” As much as I struggled to be independent every single day, being taken care of was a huge comfort. The big surprise was that Leo was offering.

I pulled on a simple satin nightgown in a warm coral colour. I brushed my hair and took most of my makeup off, but not all. No point in scaring Leo with my natural state of naked mole rat.

Leo tapped on the half-open door and walked in with a cup of tea. His gaze raked over me. “Jesus, Jackie, I’m only human. Maybe you can put something on, on top?”

I laughed. He was making me feel better. No matter what Brent did, it wasn’t like I had completely lost it. I pulled on a thin patterned robe, and sat down on the edge of the bed. Leo handed me the tea and I took a sip. He had added milk and a little sugar.

“How did you know exactly how I like my tea?” I wondered.

“I have normal powers of observation.”

He sat down beside me and rubbed my back. “Jackie, you know what a special woman you are, right?”

I shook my head. “I’m not. I’m... just a regular woman.” I remembered how I had struggled to figure out where to go for our second date, the one where we did something I was really good at. I was good at many things—being a mom, cooking, decorating, painting, being a friend—but I wasn’t really good at anything. Like being a wife. That was a role made up of so many parts and if you failed at one of them, the whole marriage could fall apart. I wasn’t educated enough, rich enough, charming enough, or ambitious enough to keep Brent happy. And I wasn’t even smart enough to figure out exactly what went wrong. A tear trickled down my cheek. Why did I feel like crap when Leo was right here beside me being so sweet?

He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer. I put my tea on the bedside table and leaned against him. Tears were falling freely now. “I’m such an idiot,” I sobbed. “I know I should be over Brent now. And I am! It’s just....” My voice trailed off.

Leo smoothly maneuvered us around until we were spooning on the bed. I was encased in his arms now. He didn’t say anything, but he held me tightly and let me cry. Finally I ran out of tears. I wasn’t cleansed but I did feel better. And how did I look now? I grabbed a tissue and wiped my eyes. An alarming amount of black came off. Was naked mole rat better than wet panda?

“You want some more tea?” Leo asked.

“It’s okay.” I sniffed. “I’d just be reloading my liquids so I could cry more.”

He chuckled softly. “Your sense of humour is back. That’s a good sign.”

His arms were still tight around me, and I nestled my head into his shoulder. “Thank you so much for this. Don’t you have to get home soon?”

“I texted Noelle, and everything’s fine. Relax and stop worrying about me. I’m exactly where I want to be.” Then he kissed me on the cheek, and I smiled.

“You feel better now,” Leo said.

“I do. Nothing like a good cry.”

“Yeah. Jackie, I want you to listen to me, okay?”

I nodded.

“You’re an amazing woman. You’re beautiful, funny, talented, and smart. I don’t understand what happened before, and it doesn’t really matter. But I want you to stop putting yourself down.”

“I don’t,” I protested.

“You make it into a joke, but you do. I don’t know your ex, but it’s pretty clear that he didn’t support you enough.” He paused. “When I walked into the room here in Vancouver, the guys were so beaten down. They took so much abuse. My job is to build them up. Confidence makes you play better, while insecurity brings you down.”

“That’s just hockey,” I scoffed.

“Hockey is like life,” Leo replied. His voice was full of conviction. “It’s a microcosm of everything in life—goals, challenges, setbacks—all performed in front of an audience in a compressed time frame.”

I turned around so I was facing him.

“Is that what I am to you? A project you need to build up? Is that why you’re being so nice?”

Leo scowled down at me. “How can you even ask that? Do you think all it takes is a few compliments and everyone’s fixed?”

“I guess not.” I was being a brat, but I couldn’t help it. I was still so down.

“People aren’t stupid. I can’t bullshit the players and give them participation medals. The only way to build confidence is to tell them the truth—what they did right on the ice. And how they can do more things right. Nobody gets better unless they believe in themselves.”

Although he sounded more like a coaching seminar, Leo’s conviction was comforting. Did I just need to believe in myself more? I tucked my head into the crook of his neck and kissed him.

Leo continued, “If you could see what I see, what everyone sees. You’re special, Jackie. And your kids are great; you’ve been a great mom right through your divorce. And the knack you have for making a home where everyone feels comfortable... it’s huge. What would have happened with Charlotte if you weren’t here?”

“I guess,” I murmured. “It’s not a big deal.” Women everywhere were being good mothers and making homes.

“I’m not an expert on divorce, but in my own life, it wasn’t about personality or fault. It was because I wanted a career and a lifestyle that Sophie didn’t want. So can’t you accept that Brent leaving may have had nothing to do with you, and everything with him?”

I inhaled the earthy scent of Leo. “But that would mean I don’t have any control over my life. That nothing I do changes things.”

“There are big things that we cannot change. No use to push against the ocean.” He cradled me tightly. “To let those things beat you down and make you feel less, that is wrong.”

I trembled. I could feel tears filling my eyes but not falling. Leo was so strong. It felt good to be able to relax in his arms and listen to his ideas.

When we first met, Leo had been so honest about how much he could offer me. But the longer we went out and the more our lives became enmeshed, the more I felt for him. With all the differences between us, I never felt like we would get to this exact moment: where his kindness touched my heart. We were more than a casual relationship. Because once we brought our kids into the mix, we had opened ourselves up to real trust and caring.

I opened one eye. Coffee, must have coffee was the only thought running through my brain. I was sleeping on the wrong side of the bed and realized why. Leo had tucked me into bed last night. He had been so sweet and tender. Just as he’d offered, all he’d done was hold me and make me feel better. And he’d waited until I fell asleep before going home to Charlotte.

And that was what relationships should be like. Someone who made you feel better about yourself, and not worse. Right now, there was a ton of energy running through my body. I got up and hopped into the shower. I belted out a little Salt-N-Peppa as I loofahed myself. As the foaming bubbles cascaded down my body, I felt good.

In the morning light, I could hardly remember why I had been so upset last night. Thank God I hadn’t let it spoil the party. Sure, Brent was a huge dummy, but it wasn’t directed at me. He was so self-absorbed that he didn’t realize that hearing about his engagement might be painful. In fact, almost everything that Brent did that hurt me wasn’t intentional, but he would continue to do these things if I didn’t stop him.

First off, I called Carole, my real estate agent. “Carole, I know I’ve been pretty indecisive, and I apologize for that. I’ve decided that I’m going to move on the rental in East Van. But the good news is that I’m also looking to buy a fixer-upper in East Van. Sharon and I want something we can renovate to sell. So, if something like that crosses your desk, let us know.”

Then I made all the arrangements for the rental house. Tomorrow, I’d book the moving company. Done. Decided. Yes!

I went downstairs and looked at the six paintings I had completed already. I needed two more before the show in October, but I’d have a little time once we were moved into our new place. Even in the dim light, they shone to me. The paintings were full of colour, energy, and something more—emotion. Everything that I had been feeling in the past few months, all the tension, the joy, and the regret that I’d been feeling was all laid out on the canvas. My artistic breakthrough had come from one sunny day when I allowed myself to feel something real. When I stopped trying to be the perfect wife and mother and instead became messy me.

The afternoon was filled with sorting and packing. By the time Brent brought the kids home, I was ready for him. I waited until Tristan and Hannah were in their rooms.

“Hey. The boxes I told you about are all set to go.” There were now five boxes of his junk in the basement.

“Oh, okay. I’ll come back sometime this week and get them.”

“Sorry, you’re going to have to take them now. We’re moving everything into storage this week, and it’s a hassle to have them here any longer.”

Brent wore his long-suffering look. “Fine. I know what this is really about anyway.”

“I don’t think you do. This is about the fact that I’ve asked you three times to take your stuff, so it’s time to take it.”

“And it has nothing to do with finding out that I’m engaged to Margaret? It’s not like you told me you were dating now. He’s kind of young, isn’t he?”

“Brent, let’s not do this. If I were doing something serious—like getting married—I would tell you. But I’m sure you don’t want to know whenever I go out on a date.”

“It looked like more than that to me. He had his hands all over you.”

I held up my hand. “Stop! I’m trying really hard not to argue with you.”

I moved closer to him, and my voice softened. “Brent, we were married, and we have two amazing kids—that’s never going to change. And you know what? I’m always going to care about you. I hope that you and Margaret will be very happy. But I would really appreciate hearing big news directly from you.”

My calmness lowered his defences. “I’m sorry, Jacks. It just happened. We talked about getting married, but we haven’t bought a ring or anything. Margaret’s fussy about jewellery, so she wants to choose it herself. Anyway, it was kind of unofficial, so I was surprised to hear her introduce me that way. She feels competitive with Amanda Richardson for some reason.”

“Okay. That’s good to know.” It was an excuse I was willing to accept, whether or not it was true.

“And I’ll admit I was being a jerk tonight. Thanks for being so understanding.”

He raised his hand towards my cheek. For one alarming moment I thought he was going to kiss me, but either my expression or the existence of Margaret and Leo put a stop to that.

“Show me where the boxes are, and I’ll put them in the car.”

I helped him take everything out. He slammed the trunk and smiled at me. “So, are you serious about this Leo guy?”

“Brent, as I said, if something serious happens, I’ll tell you. Until then, my personal life is my own business.”

He pouted for a moment, then grinned. “Well, tell him from me, he’s a lucky guy.”