Leo

“Okay, chaton. We have to leave in fifteen minutes.” That was something I’d learned from Jackie: the early warning system. Saved a ton of fuss.

She looked up from her breakfast. “Is Jackie coming to the Aquarium?”

“Uh, no. She has to get her new house ready for the movers.” I hated lying to Charlotte, but she would be really upset to know we had broken up. The news could wait until she went home and got back into her own activities and friends. Time and distance would make Jackie and her kids less important.

“Jackie is definitely one of us. And so are Hannah and Tristan. Isn’t it funny that I was afraid to meet them?”

“I think you’re not afraid of so many things now,” I reassured her. Charlotte had grown in confidence this summer, and I was proud of her.

“I can’t wait to see what their new place looks like when it’s all fixed up. Tristan said he’s going to get his own hockey mural.” She finished her cereal in the bowl I’d painted for her—from that evening with Jackie. Every goddamn thing in this apartment reminded me of Jackie. I put the bowl in the dishwasher.

“I’m coming here at Christmas, right?”

“Yeah, for sure.” I didn’t have my schedule yet, but this time I’d get my mother or a sister to come out and help take care of Charlotte. We’d manage somehow, we always had before.

“Papa, you’re going to be lonely here when I’m gone.”

I hugged her. “Always. I always miss you whenever we’re not together.”

“You should keep Mao. He can keep you company.” Her eyes were wide and hopeful. “You’re not going to return him, are you? He’s really happy here.”

“Well....” What was I going to do with a cat when I was gone on long road trips? He was supposed to be a temporary thing. If Sophie wasn’t allergic, I’d send him home with Charlotte. “Maybe your grand-maman can take him or something. I really can’t deal with a cat.”

“Papa.” She began to sniffle. “You can’t take him back! What if they give him to a mean family?”

Mao sauntered in at that moment, and Charlotte ran over and hugged him. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. “Poor Mao.”

“Okay, I’ll figure something out. Don’t cry, please.” I stroked her hair. It was wrong to give in when she cried, but her tears broke open something deep inside me at a time when I was already feeling vulnerable.

I’d hardly slept last night. I kept seeing Jackie’s face—tearful, twisted with pain—all because of me. I tried to comfort myself with my usual rationalization: no commitments were the rules going in. But things had been different right from the moment I met her. And it wasn’t only how attracted we were to each other. We meshed together in so many ways. It was easy to relax with her and easy to confide in her. And I liked taking care of her, being a comfort to her. That’s why seeing her in pain and being unable to do anything cut like a knife.

It was my fault. I knew from the moment I saw her how easily she would get attached. I should have kept my distance. Or not gone out with her once I understood her nature. But I couldn’t resist. The way she put her heart and her vulnerabilities right out there was appealing to me. We were so different.

Even her brokenness had been appealing. Maybe I should be congratulating myself. I had pushed her to be more confident, and now she was confident enough to know that I wasn’t enough for her. She needed someone who could give her a real future. That was exactly what she deserved.

Mao squirmed away, so Charlotte stood up. Her tears had stopped the moment I promised to keep the cat.

“Okay, go brush your teeth and wash your face,” I told her.

There was a knock on the door. At this time in the morning?

“I bet it’s Jackie,” Charlotte exclaimed and ran to open the door. That was exactly who I thought it might be as well, and my spirits rose.

“Oh hi, Sharon,” my daughter said. “Is Jackie with you?”

“Hi, pumpkin. No, she’s not.” Sharon was wearing coveralls and a big smile, which disappeared the moment she saw me. “I need to talk to your dad for a moment.”

“Okay.” Charlotte disappeared into the bathroom.

“Hi Sharon. How’s Jackie?” I kept my voice low.

Anger sparked off Sharon. “How the fuck do you think she is? Look, I’m just here to pick up her suitcase.” Sharon crossed her arms. I opened the closet where I had put Jackie’s overnight bag. I had hoped she’d come and get it herself.

Sharon reached into her pocket and pulled out a crumpled envelope. “She wanted me to return your key.”

I nodded. “Okay. Thank you.”

She rolled the suitcase out the door, but then turned back. “You’re a total piece of shit for hurting her. Jackie’s been through enough crap without something like this—from the first man she trusted since Brent.”

“I know. I know.” Sure, I’d reacted automatically when I heard her say the same words other girlfriends had said to me. But the difference this time was how real it all was. When Jackie hurt, I hurt too. Yet I wasn’t ever going to lead her on. I couldn’t give her everything she wanted.

Sharon searched my face. “You’re not the total robot I thought you were. Do you understand exactly what you’re losing here?”

“I know,” I repeated. Jackie was a million different women all wrapped in one. If I were going to settle down again, she would be exactly what I wanted. But now was not that time.

“It must be nice to be able to throw away what other people struggle for years to find,” Sharon concluded and then left.

Sophie arrived at our apartment after her workday was done. Charlotte went a little crazy when her mother walked in. She hugged her and insisted on giving her a complete tour of the place.

“It’s quite nice,” Sophie told me. “Much nicer than your other places.”

“Jackie decorated it,” Charlotte piped up. “That’s why there are colours and artwork.”

“I see,” said Sophie. I wasn’t sure what she thought of Jackie, but it didn’t matter now.

“It’s her job,” I explained. “That’s how we met.”

“Interesting,” Sophie replied. “Because it doesn’t look like an interior designer’s work. More like a personal home.”

“Yeah, that’s actually her job: furnishing places on a budget. She’s not an interior designer or anything.” It was embarrassing that I didn’t even know what Jackie’s job title was. I had taken her for granted in so many ways.

The three of us headed out for dinner. We drove to a Chinese place that Charlotte loved where we could watch the chef make noodles. It was Hannah’s favourite place, so naturally it was now Charlotte’s favourite.

Charlotte chattered away about the sea otters we saw today, and Sophie told us about her exciting sailing voyage. I realized it was the first time the three of us had gone out to eat in years. Before there was too much drama and bitterness, and I’d resented the way our marriage had ended. And perhaps she resented how much of the childcare she’d had to bear while I was free to pursue my career. Sophie was always complicated. But now maybe we could move past all that.

We drove to Sophie’s hotel. They were leaving in the morning, and I had Charlotte’s suitcases in the trunk. When we turned around and looked in the back seat, Charlotte was fast asleep. I took off my jacket and laid it over her.

“She’s had a busy time the past few days,” I explained.

Sophie smiled. “All this time together, I think it’s made you a better father.”

“I hope so. I thought I was a good dad before, but I wasn’t really doing any of the hard stuff. Everything that you’ve had to do all these years.”

Sophie shot me a look of surprise. “Wow. Merci.”

“She’s a great kid, that’s all on you.”

“Well, to be truthful, my mother and yours have helped a lot.”

She was in a great mood, so I decided to roll the dice. “Sophie, there’s something I want to ask you—just to consider. I know that you and Wes are trying to figure out where to live, and I’m wondering if there’s any possibility it could be here.”

Her brow furrowed. “Ici? En Vancouver?”

I nodded. “Yeah. You guys are opening a hotel here, right?”

“Oui, mais...” She turned the idea over in her mind.

“Or maybe, if you have to live in the States, it could be Seattle. Things are booming there, I’m sure there are hotel jobs.”

“What’s this really about, Leo?”

“I want to see Charlotte more often. She changes so much between visits, and she’s growing so fast. I want to be there for her all the time.” Sophie’s expression was unreadable, but at least she was listening. “I know it’s a lot to ask of you. But maybe it could be good for you too. If she was with me more often, you’d get more time alone with Wes. And if you guys have kids too....”

She frowned. I didn’t mean that Charlotte would be neglected, only that blended families need extra attention for all the kids.

Sophie shook her head. “Alors, why am I even considering this, as soon as we move here, you’ll be back out east.”

“No. I can promise you that if you move here, I won’t move for at least three years.”

“Mais, how can you promise that now? Especially when you’re so close to the NHL. What if Montréal called you?”

“Why would I go to Montréal if you and Charlotte were here? The biggest appeal is going home to my daughter, not my family or friends.” Our eyes met. “I’m changing, Sophie. I’ve seen the future, and I don’t want to be that lonely guy who put his job ahead of everything. I’m sorry I never realized this earlier.”

I paused and was shocked to see her eyes shining with tears. I patted her hand. “I get it now. I should have consulted you more before I accepted the job in Shawinigan. I was an ass.”

Sophie tilted her head, listening hard.

“But this new organization I’m with, I like them. They want me to coach the AHL team, but if it works out—and I’m gonna make sure it does—I can stay here and move up into their NHL organization too.”

I wasn’t giving up on my career, not after everything I’d already sacrificed. But I had realized that proving my team loyalty was important too. Staying in one place would be valuable to my career in the long term.

“Is all this about Jackie?” Sophie asked.

I shook my head and looked out into the city lights. “We broke up. I haven’t told Charlotte yet because I know she’ll be unhappy.”

“C’est dommage.” Sophie replied. “I liked her. Why did you dump her?”

“It’s not like that.” I hesitated. It felt like a betrayal to even talk about Jackie so soon. “Merde. It’s complicated. I compartmentalize everything. I wasn’t willing to give enough of myself.”

“Ahhhh.” Sophie nodded. “Well, that might be my fault. I know I hurt you, Leo. I hope you can move past that someday. You’ve always been so... chimérique.”

She used a word which was hard to translate, but it was how I used to be. Young, idealistic, and foolish. Pretty much the opposite of what Jackie said last night. Perhaps it was a part of myself that I’d locked away for protection.

One thing at a time.

“So, will you think about living here? Near me? And maybe I could have Charlotte here on alternate weekends whenever I’m home, and one evening a week.” Like Hannah and Tristan.

“I’ll think about it and discuss it with Wes. Much depends on my immigration status and if I can work in the U.S.”

Sophie was back to business now. For a brief moment, we were back to being two crazy kids, so much in love, and blessed with a beautiful baby. But we’d never discussed so many things. I’d assumed that she understood what my coaching career would entail, and she’d assumed that I valued her career equally.

“Do you think if we talked more, we could have made it work?” I asked.

She smiled. “You’re such a romantic, Leo.”

That wasn’t really an answer. It didn’t matter anyhow. We’d created Charlotte, and that was enough.