It didn’t surprise him that he woke up alone and Beck couldn’t even be disappointed because he was too busy feeling good about what had happened between him and his muse.

Waking up with her would’ve been the cherry on the cake. But he figured there would be plenty of time for that after he convinced her that the world wouldn’t come crashing down if they let themselves feel for each other.

The night had been as close to perfect as he could’ve imagined. They’d had sex twice before the boys woke up, then she’d been happy to talk and let him kiss her as she fed each of them. Her relationship with the boys was natural, she took to them like a pro and the boys had innate knowledge of exactly who she was. They trusted her, sought her out… they loved her.

Even though he and Jaycee had done plenty together with the boys in the past, there was something way more intimate about lying facing each other with those two tiny boys on the bed between them. Their children. Not just his, theirs. They laughed and talked to the twins together, building a bond that strengthened their love. It was family time, and there was no other way to describe it.

After the boys were back in their cribs, they talked some more, made love again, slept, woke up, had more sex, and then fallen asleep. And it had been after this that he’d woken up alone.

Beck had hoped that giving her some time to reflect on the night and her feelings would bring her back to him.

It didn’t, but he hadn’t lost hope yet. Jaycee was a complicated woman, one who relied on her emotions to guide her, and her feelings were warring with each other. Eventually one side of that war would be victorious; he just hoped it was the one on the side of him and his boys.

A week after spending the night with her, he was pushing the twins in their stroller through Mavis’ care home parking lot going toward the car. Both boys had a ball with their grandmother and had fallen asleep while he was working on his charcoal portrait of Jaycee.

A cab pulled in at the edge of the lot and he thought nothing of it until the back door opened and Jaycee got out. Adjusting his angle, he headed toward her. She was so preoccupied with trying to find something in her purse that he was right in front of her before she noticed him.

“Beck,” she said, her eyes darting left and right. “Uh… what are you doing here?” Holding up his hands, he showed her the smudges of charcoal left on them. “Right…” Leaning over the stroller he intended to kiss her, but she avoided his touch, and crouched to peek at the boys. “How is Mavis?”

Though the boys were sleeping, she stroked each of them. Wiping drool from Van’s chin with the back of her hand, she flattened Gogh’s hair. “On great form,” he said. “I think the boys tired her out… She said you were here this morning.”

“I was,” she said and pulled something from the front of her purse. “She asked for a picture of the boys and I had a client down the street, so I thought I’d drop it off.”

“I took some in for her,” he said.

“Oh,” she said, slipping the picture back in her purse and standing up. “Thanks.”

The cab had already gone, but she turned to look over her shoulder like she was expecting that it might be there. “You need a ride? We could grab some food and—”

“Look at the color in Van’s cheeks,” she said, hunkering down to admire the boys. “He looks so healthy, and Gogh is putting on weight, he’s catching up to his brother.”

Pete had told him that Jaycee had taken the week off from AD. Beck expected that she was freaked out about their night together, but seeing her this cagey made him nervous. “He’s on your milk full-time now,” he said. “But you know that, Jayc. What’s going on here? Would you stand up and look at me, please, Muse?”

Reluctant though she was, Jaycee breathed out and did as he asked. “I didn’t expect to see you here and I… I don’t think this is really the right place for us to talk.”

“Then get in the car and we’ll go home. We’ll talk there.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to go back to your place… alone.”

“We won’t be alone,” he said, adjusting the angle of the stroller.

“The boys spend most of their days in bed.”

“And you’re worried we’ll do the same?” he asked, and she sneered at him until he smiled. “Sorry. Look, we had sex, we’ve done it before and it’s never impacted our relationship. It is what it is; it doesn’t change things between us.”

“You really think that?” she asked. “Beck… we were supposed to be platonic. Friends. Nothing else.”

The corner of his lips rose. “Muse, don’t kid yourself.”

She sighed. “All it proved was that I was crazy to think I could be in your life without it becoming an issue.”

“It?”

“Our attraction.”

“So we’ve gone from love to an attraction,” he said. “Jaycee, don’t overthink this. I told you how I felt. You know how I feel, and how you feel. Doesn’t mean anything has to change between us. What we’ve been doing works. You’re one of my best friends and my life went to shit when you tried to slip out last time.”

There was more to the smile that slid to her mouth. “Fatherhood has changed you, Maestro.”

“For the better,” he said. “Guess I have a better understanding of what’s important in life now that I have the boys.”

“Which is exactly what you wanted,” she said. “For them to give your life purpose.”

She wasn’t wrong. Before the twins were born, he’d never felt settled. It didn’t matter that he’d never really moved home since he bought and fixed up the warehouse. It didn’t matter that he always had his art to keep him busy, he’d always felt that something was missing.

His kids gave him the contentment he’d always craved, but there was one component he hadn’t banked on. His muse.

“And your life, does it have purpose?” Her attention fell to the boys again and the forlorn look on her face pained him. “Come here.” Without giving her a chance to avoid him, he reached over to snag her wrist and pulled her around to him. “There’s one place you’ll always belong, you know that.”

Concern slunk into him when she withdrew her wrist from his hand and stepped back. “And when you say things like that I get scared.”

“It’s normal to be scared with something this important.”

“No,” she said. “You’re talking about going into a relationship and I’m talking about leaving one. I don’t want to lose you, but this has to stop, things have to change. The boys might be too young to understand now, but they won’t always be. When is enough, enough? When do I stop coming to the studio and taking my clothes off for you? When do we stop relying on each other for… everything? You want the boys to grow up with a healthy understanding of love and relationships, but what we have is far from healthy.”

Much as he wanted to argue, he couldn’t. Grinding his teeth, Beck tried his best to keep his cool. He and Jaycee had always had this engrossing relationship, they lost themselves in each other, and how could he explain what they had to the kids? Yes, they loved each other. No, they weren’t together. Yes, sexual energy crackled between them at all times. But no, she wasn’t their mother… except she was… though they could never know that.

“What is it you want, Jayc?”

“Space. Time,” she said. “We have to find a way to be friends without… the other stuff.”

“What about the boys?”

“I’ll bring milk for them,” she said. “But I don’t think I should be spending time alone with them.”

It looked like the idea of putting distance between them made her feel ill. He didn’t blame her. But as much as this situation was frustrating him, she was dealing with worse. Beck at least had his boys to keep him occupied, she was talking about detaching from not only him, but the boys she’d come to adore.

“And the work? The Quag?”

“All that’s left is to seal it,” she said. “You can handle that…” It took her a minute to pull herself together before she could finish. “You’ll have to find a way to work without me anyway, we both knew it was never going to last forever.” No matter how much he’d wanted it to. “You did fine before me.”

But it seemed like a lifetime ago that he’d ever managed to create anything without her there to guide him. Trying to be patient, Beck remembered how painful it had been to walk away from her in the hospital and she’d come back to him after that. All it had taken was time.

“Don’t neglect AD,” he said. “You remember what you promised.”

She nodded. He still hadn’t told her about her stake in the place. There just never seemed to be a good time to tell her. Something as simple as love had never been so complicated.

“We’ll figure this out, Beck,” she said. “I want to find a way for us to be friends, because if we can’t…”

They’d have to take the drastic measure of cutting each other out completely. “You always said we were good at compromise,” he said and reached for her again, but she pulled away. “I shouldn’t touch you.”

“When you touch me, I… I don’t want it to stop,” she said. “It’s not easy saying no to you… but the thought of losing you completely is worse. Please, Beck, let’s try to make this as easy for each other as we can.”

 

 

Not touching her wasn’t easy, but he did his best to respect her wishes. Jaycee had gone into the care home to visit Mavis and he’d put his boys into the car and taken them home.

Three weeks passed and although Jaycee still brought milk almost every day, she didn’t come into the warehouse when the guys weren’t around. They hadn’t worked. Even when he’d tried to persuade her to come into the studio, she’d refused.

Beck couldn’t deny it, he was beginning to panic. Time didn’t seem to be making a difference to her conviction. He was losing her, she was pulling away, and he was running out of ideas about how to bring her back.

It was early evening in AD when he ran down the stairs to drop off the paperwork Pete needed. There were only a dozen or so people in, but Beck hadn’t really expected anyone to be there at this time.

Crossing the floor toward the bar, he noticed Jaycee nestled on a couch in the corner with Snick. They were looking at something they had on their laps, but with their feet on the table edge and their knees drawn up, he couldn’t see what it was.

Pete met him at the bar when he got there. “Thanks, man,” Pete said when he handed him the documents, but Beck was preoccupied with his pair of friends who hadn’t looked up or noticed him yet.

“Where are the boys?” Pete asked, leafing through the pages.

“Pine’s walking them round the block,” Beck said. “Figured it was easier than bringing the double stroller up and down the stairs.” The narrow stairwell was a nightmare for the stroller and he was paranoid about marking the art-adorned walls. Given that he hadn’t planned on being here long, it seemed smart to leave the kids with his lawyer. But now that he’d seen Jaycee was here, Beck wasn’t sure what his plans were. “What’s going on over there?”

“Where?” Pete asked, and it took him a few seconds to drag his eyes from the document to follow Beck’s line of sight. “Oh, I dunno, she’s teaching him to read music, I think. God knows, they’ve been inseparable for weeks. I’ve never seen him in here so much. He takes her home every night, so least we know she’s safe.”

Beck couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Drawing his unimpressed frown around to his friend, he didn’t expect Pete would have to do a double take to read his reaction, but he did.

“And why the hell have I been kept in the dark about these secret rendezvous?”

“You’ve had the boys,” Pete said, and Beck didn’t blame him for looking nervous. “I don’t think they’re secret… Snick said he was going to talk to you about taking her out… he didn’t talk to you?”

So, his youngest friend, his accountant, his trusted advisor, was thinking about making a move on the mother of his children? It was crazy, but seeing them together was making Beck jealous; he missed spending time with his muse. He hadn’t imagined even in his wildest dreams that there could be anything physical between Jaycee and any of his friends. The idea that there might be didn’t make him jealous—it made him mad.

Snick had no right to put his hands on Jaycee, and she shouldn’t even consider letting the little prick near her. “No, he didn’t talk to me,” Beck said and spun around, ready to storm over there and confront his friend.

Except at that moment, Jaycee screamed and jumped to her feet. Everyone, including him and Snick, were shocked by her abrupt sound, but she didn’t even notice the attention she’d drawn to herself because she was focused on something by the door.

Jaycee ran across the room to another man—a ghost from her past.

Liam fucking Howell.

As if his presence wasn’t bad enough, the guy dumped a sports bag on the floor and opened his arms to accept Jaycee who leaped from the floor to launch herself at him. With her arms and legs around Howell, there was more screaming, and some kissing, and some chattering.

They carried on a full conversation while she was still twined around the guy. Why did she have to do that? Let the guy hold her like that? Beck thought of all the times he’d held her like that. About the time he’d painted her body and lifted her from the floor and carried her to their bed… the first time they’d made love.

Most of the people in the room had gone back to their business, but he was focused on his muse, in the arms of another man. It wasn’t right. Seeing her like that, it was like seeing some kind of perverse nightmare come to life. Like he’d been transported from a world that obeyed the laws of physics into a parallel dimension where nothing was as it should be.

Glancing at Snick, Beck didn’t like the dejected look on his face; it suggested his friend might have designs on the woman he wasn’t willing to share. But the truth was, Beck could identify with the expression, it was how he felt about the sight too, he was just better at hiding his horror.

Jaycee was a dynamic woman and if he’d been honest with himself he’d have accepted that it was only a matter of time before she found herself an uncomplicated relationship. Things were starting to fall into place; now he understood why she insisted on handing the milk to him over the doorstep. If she was getting closer to Snick, she would be doing her best to draw a line under their relationship, freeing her up for the next one.

Beck didn’t like the idea of her being intimate with Snick, and he was shocked that the guy could handle her. They’d always assumed their youngest friend was inexperienced with the opposite sex, but maybe that was what Jaycee liked. His innocence was simple, something she could sink into without any worries of him making demands of her, like children and marriage.

To Beck, there was a kind of sick irony that the first woman his friends and he would see Snick with was his woman, his muse… Even if she wasn’t in the studio with him, she was still inspiring him; Mavis’ wall art was about all he’d worked on recently.

Painting, creating, it reminded him of Jaycee. Anytime he tried it, he’d just go into a trance staring at whatever was in front of him and accomplish nothing. Mavis’ piece was the exception, the older woman kept him talking, and with her, he felt like he was still a part of Jaycee, even a small part.

When Liam eventually put Jaycee back on her feet, she pushed him to the wall, moving in close and chattering at a hundred miles a minute. Liam didn’t stop smiling, and he was constantly touching her face and her hair.

It wasn’t right. It felt wrong.

“Don’t do it.”

Pete’s voice behind him made Beck turn around without even trying to erase his angry scowl. “What?”

“If you go over there and beat on the guy, you’ll feel better for a minute, then Jaycee will take you apart,” Pete said, drying glasses. “You know, we knew you’d do this. We knew you’d screw it up.”

Forgetting for a minute about his muse mixing it up with one, or maybe two other guys, Beck went from angry to stunned. “I didn’t screw it up,” Beck said. Jaycee would tell him that his grump was petulance, but he didn’t expect his oldest friend to have this attitude. “We want different things.”

Pete sighed. “Then leave her the hell alone. If you’re not going to get it together then you’ve got to let her go. There’s no way you’ll ever get over her if you keep pulling her back. Yeah, I won’t lie to you, Pine and I wondered if she and Snick were up to anything, and we worried about how you’d react when you found out. But seriously, if it’s not going to happen between the two of you then you need to move on. She doesn’t owe you anything. She has every right to go on with her life and be happy; all of us have to support that, including you.”

Pete had always been the biggest advocate for him and Jaycee getting together, so it was sort of disappointing to hear him taking this line. “I’m not doing a damn thing. I’m standing here.”

“Maybe that’s the problem,” Pete said. “You never did do a damn thing. You had her Beck, she’s been yours… forever. She moved into your place more than a year ago, and we were sure she’d never move out. But you lost her. I don’t know how. Maybe she’s protecting herself and if that’s it, we can’t blame her.”

“You can’t blame her?” Beck asked. “So you blame me? You think it’s my fault we never got together?”

From the outside, it was easy to pass judgement. But Jaycee was the one who didn’t want to be a mother and he was raising their boys. He was a father now and she wanted to be free. They just weren’t compatible; they wanted different things, Beck didn’t know how many different ways he could say it.

“You told us she loved the boys. Way back when they were like six weeks old… how old are they now?”

“Sixteen weeks,” he said. Four months and they were doing so well, both were strong and developing ahead of schedule given how premature they’d been.

“We figured you had a plan, some way to make her see that she did want to be a mother, some way to bring her to you. But you didn’t, did you? It was all part of your plan to keep her away because you don’t want a damn wife.”

Beck couldn’t believe how angry his friend was. Sure, Pete wasn’t yelling at him, but he could sense real disappointment.

“Pete!” Jaycee called out as she approached the bar.

“Yeah, honey?” Pete asked when she got to them.

“I’m going to take tonight off, ok?” she said and glanced around like she was just noticing her maestro was here for the first time. When Howell had walked in, he’d received a scream and a physical welcome, but apparently his muse hadn’t even seen the father of her children. “Where are the twins?”

“Upstairs with Pine,” Beck said, disliking the neutral way she looked at him.

Jaycee didn’t smile until she looked at Pete. “I’ll come in early tomorrow, ok?”

“Whatever you want, honey,” Pete said. “Weren’t you getting dinner with Snick before your show anyway?”

She was shimmering, but apparently trying hard to contain her excitement. In his opinion, she was doing a sucky job. “Yeah, I have to stand him up too.” Turning around, she pinned her attention on Liam who was looking right back at her across the room. “An old friend came in to town unexpectedly.”

Bowing nearer, Beck was encouraged that she didn’t pull away from him. “Are you going to introduce us?”

Now she smiled at him, and prodded him with an elbow. “You and Liam?” she asked, turning her eyes up to him. “Not a chance.”

He didn’t get why that was funny or why she wasn’t ashamed to smile at him like he’d made a joke when he’d been serious. If he was going to have to beat the guy down some day, it would be polite to let his victim know who he was.

“Why not?” he asked, annoyed that she was embarrassed to associate with him.

“He’d hit you in the face,” she said and stepped away like that didn’t require any further explanation.

It did. He wasn’t going to let her say that like it was nothing. Catching her upper arm, he pulled her to him and wasn’t shy about moving in close. If this Liam guy wanted to come over and make a play for her, Beck would take the challenge; he’d defended his love for her in this spot before.

“Why would he hit me?” Beck asked. “He’s welcome to try if he wants, but I hit back.”

That wiped away her smile, and it was wrong he got satisfaction from seeing her offense. “You’re not allowed to hit Liam.”

Oh, was that it? She was defensive of the guy who’d almost sent her to jail once upon a time, but her maestro was fair game? It wasn’t that she looked angry, but she was definitely sincere. She’d be pissed if he hit Liam, but she’d stand by and let Liam hit him without stepping in?

“But he’s allowed to hit me?” She had no shame about smiling in time with her nod. Her certainty wiped out his satisfaction. Beck couldn’t understand how the guy over there from her past meant more to her than he did, the man she’d lived with, made love with, procreated with. “What the hell, Muse?”

Resting a finger on his chest, she leaned in to scold him. “Liam never made me cry.”

Ah, crap. It wasn’t that Liam meant more, it was actually the exact opposite if he was reading her right. “And I did?”

Sighing, she leaned away and looked him up and down. “Every single day, Maestro.”

This time when she walked away, he let her go. It tore him apart to see her leaving with another man, but when she was gone, he turned back to the bar and dropped his head onto his arms.

Pete was right, he’d been a bastard. Beck had never made it clear to her what he wanted. In his defense, he wasn’t sure what he wanted, but he was sure it started with Jaycee not going places with other men.